4 Years Of Pain

Hey everyone, I wanted to let you all know that I’m still here and am ok, however a lot of things are going on in my life that I’ve been losing control over and am having a hard time coping with it. I want to explain my situation as best as I can, so this might be a bit of a long read.

4 years ago I experienced something pop inside my throat while eating pizza in bed, it startled me and it hurt to the point I had to stop eating because swallowing was painful. After the incident, I felt sore in the right side of my throat for a few days, I was starting to worry I damaged something, but thankfully the pain eventually went away, and I was able to eat again without much trouble… sort of… I remember I began feeling a tug in the back of my head and eyes, but it didn’t hurt, it just felt… not right. My jaws eventually began to clench and grind in my sleep, which led to developing a painful TMJ disorder that I still currently have and struggle with today.

One day I noticed I had wisdom teeth poking out the back of my gums, so I thought, maybe that was the culprit, but I didn’t consider that maybe it had something to do with that pop incident I had previously that year, at least not yet, not until I got insurance and had all four of my wisdom teeth removed. After removing them, I didn’t feel much of a difference, I still felt tightness in my head, face, neck and upper back that made it hard to sleep at night. I went to see my doctor and told him everything I’ve been experiencing, even about the time I had that weird pop sensation in my throat, but he didn’t really seem concerned about it and just prescribed me a muscle relaxer that I would start using for the next 2 to 3 years. The medication helped me cope with the pain and let me sleep, but I could still feel a tug or tightness of the muscles in my head and neck. The pain would even come back if I stopped taking the medication. I dreaded maybe it was damaged due to letting my wisdom teeth overstay their welcome but found light in the thought that maybe it wouldn’t get any worse now that they’ve been removed. I was wrong…

For the next year or two I was still able to create content, but I’ve been slowing down as the pain increased, I couldn’t sit at my desk for long periods of time or focus on anything, let alone working on large, animated projects all on my own. I’ve been going to a chiropractor for the whole year now and it helped my posture some, but I still felt this uncomfortable sensation in my throat, as well as nerve pain on the right muscle going down my neck, shoulder and arm. I finally had it, and went to see a nose, throat and mouth specialist to get a CT scan scheduled this year, thinking perhaps it had something to do with my sinuses, because I do have sinus problems since birth. I told them everything I was dealing with, and the whole pop incident like before with my doctor, and I requested that they feel the right top side of the soft pallet just behind the molar, where my tongue could also feel a lump that moves whilst the left side felt more structurally solid. She noticed it was moving when comparing to the other side, and I was so relieved that a doctor has confirmed an oddity that’s been driving me crazy for so long, not just once, but twice after seeing the CT specialist when they finished scanning my skull. Another confirmation that something was wrong was the CT scan itself. They found a structural dislodgment of tissue that’s not supposed to be that way and could be causing inflammation in the nerves in my head and neck. I felt like I was getting so close to finally feeling normal again, though doubt rules my mind, not wanting to get my hopes up, as I did before when I thought removing my wisdom teeth would make me feel relief. I can’t say 100% that we’ve Identified the cause of my chronic head and neck pain, but it’s a great clue, because it’s the area where I felt that pop before all this happened. I am scheduled to see an oral specialist on December 16th to discuss potential surgery, and maybe I can finally recover and feel like new again.

My worse fear, however, is that after the surgery, I continue to feel this pain, and that I will be stuck with it forever. If that happens, I might have to consider looking for full-time work, as I wouldn’t be able to do animations as much, or at the very least, I’ll have to lower my quality/detail to decrease the time sat at my desk. There have been some issues with my posture and wrist that have been feeling pain too, but I’m not sure if that has anything to do with what’s going on in my head. Hopefully it’s nothing a little exercise can’t fix.
My mental health has been affected by this issue too, falling into many pits of depression due to this debilitating pain. Whenever I try to climb out of one, I fall into another. There have been a lot of times where I contemplated certain things I’m not proud of, I felt lost, alone, behind, like a failure.

All of you that have been supporting me even when I’ve been absent, I can’t express how thankful I am, though guilt tears me apart thinking about it, you’ve helped me survive. I have lost a lot of support from some, and I don’t hold anything against you if you have, I completely understand. I want to make a comeback one day to earn your support back, but it’s important I take care of my health so I can do just that. Right now I’m working on updating my resume and looking for work, maybe getting back out there can help with stress and posture. I’ve even thought about going back to school, but I’m so overwhelmed and scared of failure, considering I didn’t finish my first two years of college over a decade ago. Man, time flies… it’s been starting to scare me.

Anyways, I’ll try to keep everyone updated on the issue, and perhaps work on small animations on the side until I can get this sorted. Thank you for reading if you got this far! Foxy out.