An interview with myself

I decided to conduct a brief interview with myself.

Please bear with me. And with me. One of us asks ridiculous questions, and the other tries to answer them from the bottom of her sweet heart. 

Q: Hello, Emily EW. I am delighted that we have finally met.

A: The pleasure is entirely mine, Emily.

Q: Please tell me about yourself. What is your background?

A: What is my background? Do you mean like my ass?

Q: No, that's the backside. I'm talking about your background, like where you're from...

A: - because we have similar asses. Do you realise we're the same person?

Q: Look, Emily, if you're not going to take this seriously...

A: I am, I am... so you want to see my backside? 

Q: For God's sake!

A: Okay, fine. Sheesh. My background is apparently Germano-Slavic. 

Q: That was not my question, but anyway, is Germano-Slavic a real thing?

A: It is now. 

Q: Fine. Do you only draw and write about fat?

A: Yes. I tried to get into serious stories, but the protagonists all got so fat in the middle of the book that they couldn't fit into their space suits, so the story was a serious flop. I always end up there, no matter what I do. It must be the air.

Q: When did you realise you were into this?

A: Into writing?

Q: No, into this whole fat thing. 

A: Ever since I was a child. I remember standing on the beach, playing in sand and thinking to myself, "Where does that fascinating big belly on that fat girl over there come from, and why don't I have one?" I had to have been quite young at the time because everything was so big and tall.

Q: Did you want to be fat as a kid?

A: Yes, I was absolutely captivated by fatness, but the idea that you get fat by eating food somehow escaped me. "One more spoon of goulash, Emily, and I'll let you play with the cloth pins," my grandmother would chase me down the hallway with a spoon in her hand. She also weighed me once a week to see if I had gained any weight. 

Q: Did you?

A: No. I was faster than my grandma. She was a big woman and couldn't run that fast and would get stuck in the doorway. 

Q: So you were thin, but some of your family was fat? 

A: Hell yeah. Grandma was enormous, and her sister was even bigger. And my older 2nd cousin weighed around 400 pounds. I recall her sitting on the chair with her huge thighs almost ripping her skirt apart. I was transfixed. At that time I was as thin as... well, whatever thin is these days. A pinky? A whistle? My bank account?

Q: I have to say that this is no longer the case.

A: Oh, you are so kind.  During my university years, I discovered that I was suddenly perfectly capable of growing my own fat ass. To my pure delight, the genes caught up with me. 

Q: So you are planning to get big, like your 2nd cousin?

A: I saw photos of my grandmother and her sister when they were my age.  They were both just plump. My ass is probably already bigger than theirs was back then. So the answer is obvious. I'm going to end up looking like them sooner or later. The added bonus is that the idea of me growing huge makes me horny as fuck.

Q: You pretty much answered my next question.

A: Good. 

Q: Do you think it's weird?

A: What? Your questions? Nah, I had worse.

Q: No, I mean this fat obsession you have?

A: Weird? People have many other desires that make them extremely horny, but they rarely understand why. All of the options out there are strange in some way and not at all in others. It's how the universe runs its experiment. I don't make the rules.

Q: Experiment?

A: The universe has no idea about the outcome, just makes sure for every pot there is a lid.

Q: I'm not sure I follow, so let me just go to the next question. Why are all of your characters in your writing and drawings female?

A: First, I believe that girls are designed to get fatter and fatter and it makes them sexier.  Second, I don't know how to write male characters. I have no idea what men do amongst themselves. Is it just hockey or swinging their 2 feet long dicks? Or perhaps both? 

Q: They talk about girls.

A: Like, "Look at that one, her ass has as many horses as my uncle's tractor." Or, "Lads, take a gander at that chick; you could eat sausages and sauerkraut from her bulbous tits and sharpen your shillelagh between her super-fat thighs."  Am I getting close?

Q: I see. Perhaps it is best for everyone if you avoid writing male characters. But why don't you draw them?

A: I tried, but like the girls I'm always making bigger and bigger, I'll just keep stretching the guy's dicks until I have to use only a very wide document. That would be highly inefficient on the internet. Who wants to see a 3000 x 50 pixels image? 

Q: Unless the men lay down. Then you can use a very tall document and it is easier to scroll.

A: True. That never occurred to me. Perhaps I can have them lean at a 45-degree angle so that their dicks run diagonally across the page. This would allow me to stick to Internet-friendly formats. Thanks for the idea, Emily.

Q: Or perhaps you should avoid drawing male characters at all cost.

A: You started this. That's exactly what I've been saying to you. 

Q: Tell us about your writing process. You started a few novels but never finished them.

A: My writings have the same problem as those dicks. I just keep stretching them indefinitely. I want my characters to get bigger and bigger, but I don't want to say goodbye when they can't fit through the doors any longer. 

Q: You can write wider doors.

A:  Of course I will. But every story must come to an end at some point, which I despise. It's similar to finishing the last piece of chocolate cake. You really want to stuff your mouth with it as soon as possible, but you know there won't be any left and you'll be so sorrowful. 

Q: So you're not going to complete your stories?

A: Emily, you're such a discourteous punk. I am. But now I need to start reading them because I'm not sure what those 40-odd chapters are about. Or how fat they all are right now. These are genuine concerns. 

Q: I see I hit a nerve. Do you take these stories personally? Are they autobiographical in any way? 

A: Of course, they're all self inserts. A main character who has a genetic predisposition to grow beautifully fat, but initially denies it, but ends up that way anyway, loving it, and wanting to get even bigger? That's my middle name.   

Q: You frequently mention funnel feeding in your stories. Is that something you've done as well?

A: Certainly! I need to understand what I'm writing about. No, seriously, the idea of incorruptible fattening turns me on like hell. Put a tube in my mouth, fill it with heavy cream, and there is only one way out of it. I'm going to get fat as fuck. I even created a small device that screws onto the top of my huge 75 oz bottle. I had it 3D printed at work. It worked flawlessly.  Years of technical drawing were not in vain.  I'll look into the schematics for you, Emily. You'll enjoy it.

Q: No, thank you. What did your coworkers say?

A: Being this pretty has advantages because no one takes anything I say seriously. So all I have to do is speak the truth.
"What exactly is this thing, Emily?"
"Ah, just a small device that I screw onto a bottle and then funnel feed myself a 2000 calorie milkshake in the shower until I can barely walk. The big tube goes here, and a small, tiny tube goes all the way to the bottle bottom, allowing air to enter when the bottle is turned upside down. It's brilliant."
"Fine. If you don't want to tell me, then don't." 

Q: Let's get back to your writing. Do you intend to write in a genre you've never written in before?

A: I'm a sci-fi fan who wants to write a wg sci-fi story. I had already begun it, and while I enjoyed the plot, I realised I was becoming overly serious. It's similar to how I want to do whimsical and funny art but end up obsessing over each fat roll and how hot the characters look. 

Q: How long does it take to create an artwork? 

A: Days. I frequently obsess over trivial matters. I was redoing an older picture last night - Clair, walking out of Adephi sorority, with a beautiful and juicy ass, looking back at camera through her shoulder, with a strong backlight. And at 6 a.m., I realised I was still messing with a small plant growing in the cracks of the stone walkway, which would be invisible in any normal resolution. I had been doing that for the last 30 minutes.  I think I could get fatter faster in real-life than I could draw it. 

Q: Do you accept commissions?

A: To get fatter?

Q: No, to draw, silly. 

A: Ah, that would most likely kill me. It takes me days to make art for myself. Imagine doing that for someone who is paying for it. I'd be horrified if every pixel was not the correct shade. 

Q: Do you prefer drawing or writing?

A: I prefer writing because it allows me to express my ideas better, but as you audaciously pointed out, drawing allows me to at least finish some ideas in a matter of days. 

Q: What if you become too big to draw or write?

A: I'm not sure how you envision this working, but I'll play along: I'll open an onlyfans account and then get even fatter. I'll even work with you on a collaboration, locking you up and funnel-feeding you until your ass is bigger than mine. 

Q: That's very kind of you. Anyway, that's all the time we've got today because I need to pickup my glasses from Costco. So, thank you, Emily, and see you later.

A: Hey, could you buy me two cartons of heavy cream while you're there? I might check to see if my funnel thingy still works. 

Q: Sure. I'm guessing 35% based on how your behind barely fits on the chair.

A: Absolutely. Is there even another kind?