189 - Ayaka Tōjō’s Resolve⑦ - Part 1

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Still in my pajamas, I sat on the living room sofa, blankly watching the morning news show.

Mom brought me a cup of tea.

“Here, drink this to wake up.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

I accepted the cup and gently blew on it.

The rising steam swayed and dispersed, making my reflection on the surface ripple.

I took a small sip.

“Tastes good.”

As I slowly enjoyed Mom’s tea, Ryota appeared, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

“Huh? You didn’t go fishing with Haruto and Dad?”

“Nope. I stayed home.”

“I see…”

Still half asleep, Ryota gave a lazy reply. Mom smiled warmly.

“Ryota, wash your face and brush your teeth.”

“Okay!”

Ryota followed Mom to the bathroom.

Today, Haruto and Dad had gone fishing early in the morning.

They invited me along, but I deliberately turned them down.

Because of what Mom told me yesterday:

‘What does it mean to get married? What does it mean to become a family?’

I wanted time to really think about that, away from Haruto.

Right now, I’m fully aware of how much I love him.

Whenever I’m with him, my thoughts are completely filled with Haruto.

Everything inside me becomes dyed with feelings of I love him! I adore him!

So today, I decided to stay apart from him and face my own heart carefully.

The three of us—Mom, Ryota, and I—ate breakfast together.

Rolled omelet, spinach and fried tofu in broth, kinpira burdock, and miso soup with wakame and tofu.

I picked up a piece of omelet with my chopsticks and took a bite.

“Mom, your omelet’s delicious.”

“I’m glad. Thank you.”

Lately, I’ve been eating breakfasts made by Kiyoko or Haruto, so it’s been a while since I’ve had Mom’s cooking.

Her food really is delicious…

As I thought that, I took a bite of the kinpira burdock, and happiness filled my mouth.

“Ah… wait, did Haruto make this?”

“Fufu, that’s something Haruto-kun prepared and left for us earlier.”

“I thought so…”

I grew up on Mom’s cooking, so of course, I love her food.

But Haruto’s cooking feels like a different kind of special—comforting, like it wraps around me and fills my heart.

That’s what his food is to me.

While I was slowly savoring my breakfast, Ryota suddenly shouted after glancing at the clock.

“Ah! The Kamen Rider show is starting!”

“Finish your food properly and say thank you before you watch, okay?”

“Okay!”

Following Mom’s rule, Ryota ate neatly until the end, clapped his hands together, and said, “Thanks for the meal!”

Then he hurriedly cleaned his dishes and ran to the TV.

As I watched my busy little brother, I turned to Mom.

“Hey, Mom?”

“Hmm? What is it?”

“Raising kids… it’s really hard, isn’t it?”

“Of course. It’s very hard.”

“Yeah…”

I remembered when Ryota was just born—his tiny body could fit in one hand, yet his cries echoed through the whole house.

He couldn’t tell day from night back then, crying nonstop even in the middle of the night.

Mom and Dad were constantly sleep-deprived.

I tried to help by cooking or doing chores, even just a little.

While I was recalling those tough times, Mom smiled softly.

“But when I had Ryota, you helped a lot. And now, with Haruto-kun and Kiyoko-san around, things are so much easier.”

Hearing her say that with a smile made me blush, and I turned my gaze toward Ryota, who was focused on his show.

“But back when I was born, it was just you and Dad, right?”

“That’s right. It was very tough then.”

Mom spoke with a distant look, as if reminiscing.

“Everything was a first for both me and Shuichi, and we didn’t know what to do. Every day felt like a struggle.”

Her gentle expression carried a touch of nostalgia.

“For the first month after you were born, my mother helped, so it wasn’t too bad. But after that, it was one challenge after another.”

“Grandma helped you?”

“Yes, but she couldn’t stay forever, you know?”

Mom’s family lives far up north, in a snowy region—not an easy trip.

And Dad’s family is far away too, so visiting means taking a train or a plane.

“What was the hardest part for you?”

“Well, probably not being able to sleep. In the beginning, I had to nurse every two or three hours.”

“Yeah, I remember you waking up at night for Ryota too.”

“Exactly. And putting you to sleep was tough too. You loved being held, and every time I laid you down, you’d wake up and cry again.”

“Really?”

Of course, I don’t remember any of that.

Hearing stories about myself as a baby always feels kind of embarrassing…

“Ryota always fell asleep easily, didn’t he?”

“That’s true. After all the struggles with you, I was prepared for Ryota to be the same, but it was completely different. Even siblings can be worlds apart.”

Mom said that with an amused smile, looking between me and Ryota.

“…Hey, Mom? Did you ever regret having kids? Or… getting married?”

I asked the question nervously.

Mom looked at me, smiled gently, and shook her head.

“Never. I’m who I am today because I married Shuichi and met you and Ryota. But…”

She turned her gaze toward Ryota as she continued.

“Sometimes I wonder what my life would’ve been like if I hadn’t gotten married—if I’d lived alone. A life without Shuichi, Ayaka, or Ryota.”

“…And when you imagine that, how do you feel?”

“It scares me. That life might have been freer, and I could’ve done whatever I wanted. But no matter what I did, my heart would probably feel empty—like something was missing. A colorless, tasteless life, always searching for meaning.”

Then Mom smiled at me warmly.

“So, thank you, Ayaka, for coming into our lives.”

“Th-thank you…”

Ugh, so embarrassing.

Is she teasing me again?

I glanced at her. Hmm… she was smiling, but not joking. She really meant it.

It made me happy—so happy—but also made my face burn with embarrassment.

Trying to calm myself down, I sipped some now-lukewarm miso soup.

“Phew… So, you’re glad you fell in love with Dad, right?”

“Yes, I am.”

“Do you think… I could become like you and Dad? With Haruto?”

When I asked softly, Mom smiled gently.

“You know, a married couple starts as complete strangers who fall in love and decide to live together. Since you come from different backgrounds, you’ll find all sorts of differences—how you season food, how you fold laundry, when you wake up and go to bed, how you spend your free time. So many little things.”

Mom spoke kindly, yet with a serious, thoughtful tone.

“I believe marriage is about facing those differences together.”

“Did you and Dad have that many differences?”

“Oh, tons. We actually agreed on very few things.”

“Really…”

I always thought Mom and Dad were in perfect sync—like the ideal couple.

While I was thinking that, Mom chuckled softly.

“Having many differences isn’t a bad thing.”

“It’s not?”

“No, because sometimes it’s those differences that draw you to each other.”

“I guess so… But what if there are unpleasant differences?”

“Then you talk about it. Maybe even argue a little. And try to fix it.”

“And if it can’t be fixed?”

“Then you give up—and just stop looking at that part.”

“Eh? You give up…?”

I tilted my head in surprise.

Even though a couple spends their whole lives together, they just ignore what they don’t like?

Mom smiled again, gently.

“You know, Ayaka, it makes me happy that you see my and Shuichi’s relationship as good. But Haruto-kun isn’t Shuichi, and you aren’t me. Haruto has his own thoughts and feelings, just like you do. Every couple has their own ideal form of love. Ours, and yours and Haruto-kun’s, might be completely different. So, it’s fine to admire us—but don’t let that ideal trap you, okay?”

She finished with a warm, knowing smile.

“To stay together with the one you love for a long time, it’s very important to find balance between your ideals and reality—to stay flexible and accepting.”

“Balance between ideals and reality…”

I repeated her words softly, letting them sink in.

So far, I haven’t found anything I dislike about Haruto.

But if we got married and lived together every day, would I start to notice some things?

Though we already spend half our time together now…

Maybe living as just the two of us would be different.

As my thoughts spiraled, Mom made a suggestion.

“That’s my way of thinking, but why not hear from someone else too?”

“Someone else?”

Who else could I talk to about something like this?

If I asked Saki… we’d probably just get lost in thought together. That might not be so bad though.

While I was thinking, Mom smiled.

“What about talking with Kiyoko-san? She’s more experienced in life, and I think you could learn something meaningful from her.”

“Oh, Kiyoko-san… Yeah, you’re right.”

Mom was probably right—talking to Kiyoko might help.

But asking her about marriage would basically mean admitting I want to marry Haruto…

Still! I should just make up my mind and go see her.

“I’ll go visit Kiyoko-san later.”

“Alright.”

With my heart pounding nervously, I finished the rest of my breakfast.