Tips for Baby Strippers

I know I shouldn’t apologize for breaks in productivity because I am not in fact a robot, but I still feel a bit of guilt for taking an impromptu week off from Patreon. I’ve been mentally occupied with relentlessly editing my grad school admissions essay and preparing for a talk I just gave to the adorable baby angels at Pomona College’s Women’s Union. Aside from that, there’s work, Strippers United, the stripper strike, a weekend trip I took to see the Grammys, and finally a sickness that knocked me off my feet starting Friday night. In all honesty, I’ve never been good at communicating my needs or taking time for myself. My toxic trait (or trauma response) is saying “yes” to everything and worrying about the consequences later. So that said, apologies for not communicating. Thank you for sticking around and supporting me.

After nearly six years dancing, it can be hard to remember my time as a baby stripper. However, I got a request from Kay for more tips for baby strippers, so I thought I would dig into my archive of knowledge and share some useful insights to everyone embarking upon their journeys into the underworld.

I know this may seem obvious, but make customers earn your trust. It’s easy to dismiss the ones who are visibly broke, who try to haggle or complain about prices, but there are some more insidious kinds of customers that you should be wary of:

The conspicuously wealthy patron. Maybe he’s covered in luxury logos, or he has his Maserati keys out on the table for you to see. Maybe he has giant gold chains with diamonds glittering in the club light. Maybe he’s more conservatively dressed with a plain white button down, slacks and dress shoes, but he tells you immediately that he has four houses, owns ten companies, and makes thousands of dollars every hour. Maybe she’s just in clean sweats, but has stacks of ones on the table. I’m not suggesting you avoid these people, but I am suggesting not to assume these rich people will spend on you just because they say that they can. In my experience, these people are bluffers. They wave money in your face only to cling onto it for dear life while wasting your time, stringing you along with the promise of a payoff. They may tell you that they’ll spend if you come home with them to party, swim in their pool, or take a ride on their yacht. In the end, these people seldom spend money, and if they do, it tends to be significantly less than what they initially promised. I’ve been strung along for hours by these conspicuously wealthy assholes, only to be tipped a hundred dollars or some other small amount that pales in comparison to the time they’ve wasted. Many rich people got rich by being penny pinchers. They nickel and dime every transaction and keep every receipt. This mentality bleeds into their actions as strip club patrons. When dealing with this kind of customer, it’s important to make the sale in ten minutes or less. They will try to keep stealing your time, suggesting if you wait just a little longer, and a little longer that they will eventually buy such a long expensive room with you and “take care of you,” but what they consider to be an “expensive room” and a “great tip” may be a lot less than what an actually expensive room and great tip is at your club. Don’t be afraid to walk away. You can, for example, do a soft walk away and say something like, “I wish I could hang around, but my manager will get on me if I don’t sell dances. Flag me down when you’re ready, sweetie.” If this customer decides to purchase a dance with you, be sure to find a way to talk about the tip you would like. I’ve had rich patrons buy a $350 dance and only tip me $20, or worse, nothing at all. I tend to work the tip-talk around the extras I offer (which can be anything: if you’re at a no-touch club, it could be for the privilege of rubbing a buttcheek). But you can get creative. You can ask for a 20% tip, since that’s pretty customary across service industries. You can lightly shame them, saying something like, “Can you afford a $50 tip, baby?” If they under-tip, you can say, “Normally, people tip me $100 for that dance, but I understand if your wallet is hurting.” Because conspicuously rich patrons are often the cheapest patrons, it’s important not to take it personally if they pull some cheap bullshit. It’s not your fault. It will feel less painful if you avoid wasting too much time working on them, so once again, try to keep these interactions under 10 minutes (or the length of like 3 songs).

Rich customers who spend and promise you the world. Most customers will promise you anything and everything when they’re bussy whipped, and at first it may seem that they will in fact follow through with those promises. I’ve had customers offer me trips, designer shopping sprees, a downpayment on a home, to pay for college, investments, even equity in companies, and while I have received a few of these things, most of the time these are empty promises. It is so important as a baby stripper not to put all of your eggs into these dubious baskets. I’ve made the mistake of believing clients and gotten myself into dangerous situations, expecting customers to keep their promises. I went out to New York City hoping some man would pay me, only to be stiffed and sexually assaulted. In all honesty, part of looking into grad school began as the result of a promise made by a rich man to pay for my tuition who has since ghosted. In the end, I’ve decided to pursue it without his help, but I won’t downplay how it fucked me over. As a baby stripper, or even as a somewhat optimistic sex worker, it’s important to stay grounded. Only trust the money in your hand. Promises are cheap, and customers in love or lust tend to make a lot of them. Many customers will spend a lot at the beginning of a relationship, only to gradually diminish what they pay or completely ghost unless you fulfill whatever fantasy relationship they’ve imagined. Unless you have the time/energy/freedom to have sex with daddy, go on vacations with mommy, and be a part-time live-in sugar baby, you will very likely not see the big promises turn into realities. And even in those situations, sugar parents tend to spend less as they become more comfortable with you. There are always exceptions to this rule, but it’s best not to bank on those exceptions. Always have a plan in case promises fall through, especially if these promises involve you traveling or entering into other risky situations. A plan is not a friend who *might* be in town who you *might* be able to stay with. A plan is a booked hotel room, or a friend that you know for a fact will give you a couch to crash on. Make sure you can afford to leave, regardless of whether or not you’ve gotten paid. Always communicate where you are and the important details of who you’re with to someone you trust (or to your social media if you don’t have people). Do not bet your assets. If a patron expects you to pay to get somewhere: to park, for the Uber ride, etc. don’t trust it. Customers should at minimum pay for your transportation costs. And finally, don’t assume a customer will ever actually buy you anything expensive or pay for your college. You need to have a backup plan, because even if they start off paying your tuition, all it takes is one fight or for them to meet another hottie for your relationship to dissolve, and for you to be left in financial ruin.

There are plenty of customers who are absolute angels, who will take care of you to their best ability. I’ve been lucky enough to have had a few, and in my experience, they’ve been quiet and unassuming. Not all of them have been wealthy. Most of them would not consider themselves to be wealthy, even if they make hundreds of thousands annually. I meet one of these people maybe once or twice a year, and even in these situations, there tends to be a point where they reach their limits. Sometimes it takes a year or two before they start reigning in their spending, sometimes it only takes a few months. I have been lucky to have a few long-term supporters like Danny, who have been with me for more than a few years, but I think those have lasted because they’ve been sporadic encounters, rather than weekly visits. It’s important not to count on patrons for financial stability. The best way to be a financially stable hoe is to be an agile, adaptable hoe. Refine your finesse techniques. Develop your particular brand of beauty and seduction. Cultivate your self-love. Make sure that you’re a well-rounded person with plenty of charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent – i.e. the modern day courtesan, because personality sells. I’ve had to adjust significantly since I lost contact with many of my customers due to the pandemic. Instead of having a steady stream of income coming from regulars, I’ve had to convince slews of strangers to spend money on me. I’m slowly building back a base, but I’ve had to make peace with the reality that nothing is promised.

Resilience is something you learn in this industry. I thought I was resilient before becoming a stripper, but I had no idea how much cruelty I’d have to learn to endure. It can come from all directions. Sometimes it’s a shitty manager making remarks about your weight, other times a customer might turn their nose up at you and wave you away without a word. The worst might be when another stripper makes a snide comment about your stretch marks or some other thing that makes you feel insecure. This happens across many industries, especially entertainment and hospitality, and it’s shitty but inevitable. I don’t have a magic solution to dealing with rejection or getting a raw deal when you were promised your lucky break, other than to say that shit happens and you’re never alone when you feel low. For every high point I’ve experienced, I have had to deal with a million instances of being jilted. Not everyone responds well to commiserating over a negative moment, but there are many people who enjoy venting and who need to vent as much as you do. I know this is easier said than done, but try not to take any of it personally. Surround yourself with people who validate you. And maybe think of it like any other sales job: for every nineteen “no’s”, you’ll get one “yes”. Boiling rejection down to a statistic like that will help you to distance yourself from it, and you might even find that you’re more willing to shoot your shot as you countdown to that inevitable “yes”. I’ve made the mistake of convincing myself that I shouldn’t talk to certain customers because the negative self-talk monster tells me “they would never pick a dancer like me,” only to watch said customers purchase dances with strippers who look just like me. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, but even the best players miss the hoop from time to time, so like try your best and that’s good enough. I hope you’ve enjoyed my basketball metaphor. I’m sure you can tell I watch all the sports. Games, ball, scores, I got them all, baby.

I’m going to try to continue coming up with tips and tricks for sex workers. If you have any topics you’d like to suggest, please send me a message. I’ve been writing this blog for over three years now and it can be difficult to come up with new things to write about every week. I love a prompt, so please prompt away! Also, let me know if this was helpful to you or if you related. Would love to get more feedback. I know I’m not the best at social media engagement because I’m an anxious hermit when I don’t have my tits out, but I do read your messages and I try to create content with y’all in mind. So please, comment, like, send me a DM, and have a lovely week.