(Male-only Version) Jamie Gets Even: A What Would You Do? Story (Part 2)

I've written several What Would You Do tribute stories, envisioning a spinoff where a wilder version of the show somehow finds its way to late night TV. This is the latest installment!

After the show went to break, stagehands worked quickly to free the guys from their devices. They came armed with towels, which was especially helpful for Austin, who kept trying and failing to get out of the chocolate vat on account of his slippery hands.

They were taken to the showers backstage, and Jamie got to change out of his jockstrap and back into his street clothes. He was allowed to keep the jockstrap. He quickly threw it in the trash, where it would join whatever was left of his friendship with Austin. It was worth it, he thought.

During the break, Marc caught a boy in the crowd laughing boisterously about all that had happened. Marc found this amusing but kind of over the top, and wasn’t about to let him get away with it. He conferred with a producer offstage. There was a lot of head nodding.

The show came back from commercial and Marc became his typical cheery self, as if he hadn’t just sentenced two mostly innocent people to devastating public humiliations just minutes earlier.

“We’re back on What Would You Do, and we had so much fun during our last game. But I’ll tell you what” – he started to amble up the stairs into the audience – “not nearly as fun as this young man here.

“Hi, what’s your name?”

He seems taken aback by being called out, and looks very apprehensive to having been cornered.

“I’m Vinny, hi…”

“Hi Vinny, who are you with today?”

“Um, this is my friend, Mitch.” He points to the guy seated to his right.

“Great!” Marc exclaims. “Well, why don’t the two of you join me onstage, yeah?”

The audience applauds. This cannot be good, and both of them know it. Mitch looks especially frightened, as he’s by far the more shy of the two, now being roped into something he had nothing to do with whatsoever. He only tagged along today as a favor to Vinny. Nevertheless, the two college seniors reluctantly join Marc on stage, where the stools, carts, and buckets are all still set up, though most of the pie mess all over the stage has been wiped away.

Vinny is an attractive redhead with flowy auburn hair. Today, he’s doing his best Ken from Barbie impression, with a checkered pink-and-purple tank top and glossy, slim-fitting pink pants.

Mitch is Vinny’s childhood friend, and he’s visiting from Nashville, where he’s a cheer captain at the local university and a fitness instructor at the on-campus gym. He’s a tall, well-built blonde, wearing a cross around his neck, a sky blue workout tank with the school logo emblazoned on it and cerulean blue joggers.

Marc explains why he brought them on stage. “So I spotted you during the commercial break, Vinny, and you were just laughing, laughing, laughing … that last game was pretty funny, huh?”

Vinny is still giggling. “Yeah, it kinda was, haha…”

“Well, since you found it so hysterical, we’re gonna have you two play the same game, what do you think about that?”

The crowd raises its collective voice in anticipation. Are more people about to get it?!

Mitch is technically in his school uniform and really would rather not be put on TV playing a silly game that was rigged when it was played 10 minutes ago. “Can we not, please? We’re sorry, it was an overreaction!”

“Naw, I’m sorry Mitch, this is happening, whether you like it or not.

“So here’s how it works. We’re gonna give you your very own What Would You Do-branded jockstraps! And when we come back from break, the two of you are going to play as one team. Mitch, you’ll put the pies on the stool, and Vinny, you’ll sit on them and move them to the buckets across the stage.

“You’ll have the same 45 seconds as last time, except since Jamie was able to transfer three pies, you have to get four.”

The two men throw their hands up in disbelief, and the crowd murmurs. This will be a real challenge for them.

“But listen. There was nothing but bragging rights on the line last time. So if you win, we’ve got a wonderful, very clean prize pack for the two of you that you’re really going to enjoy. But if you lose, we’ve got a different prize pack for the two of you, and I can assure you, it will definitely NOT be clean. Any questions?”

“Seriously, can we please not do this?” Vinny pleads. “We’ll do anything…”

“Okay, sure!” Marc says sarcastically. “If you like, we can skip the whole thing and just send you to one of our lovely pie devices for you to experience, would that be better?”

Both guys vehemently decline.

“In that case, let’s take a quick break to let you guys change into those lovely jockstraps, and we’ll be right back!”

The show goes back to break, zooming in on Mitch and Vinny’s stunned faces. This escalated so quickly, and if it goes anything like the last time, they don’t stand a chance.

They shuffle offstage to get changed, and this time, to keep things moving, Marc brings them back right away.

Right after an ad for a premiere of an upcoming Comedy Central special ends, the show returns from break with a shot of Mitch and Vinny’s bare asses. The camera work makes them look larger than life. With any luck, in just a couple of minutes, both of them will be covered in pie. Both men look completely embarrassed, both for themselves in their current state of undress, but also for each other; as just friends, they’re seeing way more of each other than they really care to.

Marc says, “We’re back here on What Would You Do with Vinny and Mitch, and they’re about to play our pie sitting game!

“Gentlemen, you know the rules. Vinny, you have 45 seconds to get 4 pies from this stool to that bucket using only that big bubble butt of yours. If you do, we’ve got a wonderful prize for the two of you. So let’s get you set and ready!

“On your mark! Get set! GO!”

Cheers erupt as upbeat music starts up. Mitch sets down a pie and Vinny tentatively plants his meaty butt in it. He never fully sits down, really only letting his butt kiss the pie before lifting up and starting to go. The pie lifts off the seat but only makes it a few inches before splattering at Vinny’s feet.

“SIT ON IT!” Mitch commands. He’s not going down on account of a halfhearted effort like this from Vinny.

Mitch places another pie on the seat. This time, Vinny squashes it, sending cream deep up his butt and causing him to squeal just like Austin did. He stands up and penguin walks across the stage, making it almost halfway before the pie slides off and hits the floor.

Exasperated, he comes back and tries again. Valuable seconds tick away as his ass flattens another pie. This one sticks and Vinny tiptoes his way across the stage to drop it in. He’s incredibly embarrassed to be doing this, but tries to keep his composure and avoid an ending that would be even worse. He returns to the stool where he drops anchor into the next pie.

This one sticks as well, and he feels like he’s getting the hang of it. He makes it to the buckets and shimmies the plate in, right as Marc shouts.

“20 SECONDS!”

Vinny picks up the pace, now running back to the stool where he plops himself down onto the next one. This time though, he sits too vigorously, and slides off the stool and onto his butt on the stage floor. Vinny wants to laugh at himself, but with time running low, Mitch urges him to hurry.

Vinny gets back to his feet. Mitch places another pie down, and notices a lot of cream building up on Vinny’s backside. Mitch takes it upon himself to run his hand across Vinny’s ass. The cameras all too eagerly catch it: friend grabs handfuls of friend’s shapely bare bottom.

But Vinny isn’t expecting this, so he starts to sit, and Mitch can’t get his hand out of the way fast enough. Vinny sits half on the pie and half on his friend’s hand. The pie won’t stick!

An exasperated Mitch tosses the pie aside, grabs another and this time lets Vinny do the work himself. He has the hang of this sit-and-trot thing, but time is running dangerously low. He drops the third plate in the bucket when he hears the audience counting the time off.

FIVE! FOUR!

Vinny sprints back as quickly as he can.

TWO!

PLOONK! One last smoosh of ass into gooey pie.

BUZZ!

“That’s it!” Marc shouts. “Time’s up!”

The crowd is buzzing in anticipation. Both guys slump their shoulders. They know they’ve only got three pies in the bucket, and now they’re going to pay dearly for it.

“Well, by my count, you’ve got three pies, and that’s just not enough, so Robin, I’m gonna need more pies, bring me more pies please!”

Robin wheels out even more pies – it’s like a conveyor belt back there – and is met with even louder cheers.

Marc turns his attention toward the audience.

“Can I get a couple of volunteers? Who would love a chance to pie these handsome young men?”

Unsurprisingly, tons of hands go up. Being in a party town, there are so many smoking hot guys and girls in the crowd, but Marc is looking for a different type. He loves the idea of ordinary guys getting revenge on attractive guys who would otherwise never give them the time of day. He picks out two young dudes, probably underclassmen in college. One is very skinny and awkward-seeming, and the other is taller and heavier and is wearing glasses. They join Marc and the guys up front.

“Can you introduce yourselves?”

“I’m Ethan,” says the slender guy.

“David,” says the taller guy.

“Great, and have either of you met Mitch or Vinny before?”

They nod no.

“Well,” Marc says, “In that case, you’re about to get very well acquainted. Robin, let’s give these nice gentlemen a couple of pies each, please.

“And on the count of three, I want you to show these guys what happens if you make a scene in our audience. I need you to really let ‘em have it, okay?”

They both nod in agreement and approach their targets: Ethan eyeing Vinny, and David measuring up Mitch. In no situation would Vinny or Mitch probably ever give them any attention whatsoever. No situation except for this one. Mitch pleads with David, trying to use his charm to talk this awkward-looking guy out of pieing him. It doesn’t work. He smiles wide and mimics juggling the pies as if to mock him.

“On the count of three!”

ONE! TWO! THREE!

THOONK-THOONK! Vinny and Mitch get clobbered, their heads jerking back from the sheer force of the hits. Blueberry pie filling, pie crust and Cool Whip spray out toward the audience, but the guys get the worst of it. The guys swirl the pies around their faces, their hair getting tangled worse and worse with every revolution, until both boys slide the pies up into their victims’ hair, where they come to rest atop their heads. Vinny is frozen in stunned shock, Mitch claws at his once luscious blonde hair to try and get as much slop out of it as he can. Sticky blueberry filling tumbles down both of their bare chests.

Then, both men put a hand on their guy’s wide hips and spin them around so their asses face the cameras. The cameras zoom straight into their targets, and the boys do not miss.

There’s an audible THUNK as Ethan plows Vinny’s big butt, sending butterscotch pudding and whipped cream deep into his crack.

David does the same, bracing himself with one hand on Mitch’s firm stomach before slamming his vanilla pudding and cream pie right into its target. Bullseye.

Both men shout in pain, or perhaps embarrassment. The boys rub the pies around their butts like they did with the pies to their faces, before finally letting them go. David takes his now-empty pie tin and gives Mitch’s ass a couple of love taps before dropping it on the ground.

The audience is eating all of this up. So much carnage in just a few short minutes.

But Marc isn’t done with them. Vinny was the primary offender, and he wants him to know it.

“Now Vinny,” he says, “Since it was you that found the last game so hysterical, you know what we would find hysterical?”

“Please don’t,” Vinny pleads.

“Take off that jockstrap, will you please?”

HOLY FUCKING SHIT! he wails off-mic.

Owing to its increasing cultural cache, the show recently gained permission to use an edgy punk song whenever contestants were made to strip. The loud riffs of The Donnas’ “Take It Off” played over the PA as the crowd cheered until their chants coalesced. TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!

The crowd eggs Vinny on until he finally relents. His thumbs hook around his pie-splattered jock, and pulls them down until his cock and balls are totally free of them. He feels a coolness around his groin that drives home the point that he is now totally nude in front of this entire crowd.

Marc is taken aback. “Wow, Vinny. Why didn’t you tell us you were packing? We need another pie, can I have another pie?”

“Seriously, just stop with the pies!” Vinny shouts, his hands doing their best to cover his ample privates. Marc is on a roll now, as Robin hands it to him.

“Now Mitch, I want you to take this. Vinny, hands behind your back, please.

“Vinny roped you into this, and that was really unfair. And he lost the game! And now look at you, all covered in pie! On the count of three, why don’t you tell him how you feel about all that?”

Mitch takes the pie and sizes up his target: his friend’s dick.

ONE! TWO! THREE!

Despite not having any carnal desire for Vinny, Mitch realizes the predicament that Vinny has forced him into, and that is all the motivation he needs. Mitch rears back and lets Vinny have it.

Vinny’s moan is so loud that it echoes off the studio walls, while red syrup and strawberry cream explode in every direction. He bends over after taking the hit, as any man would upon getting smacked in his nuts. Mitch makes sure to rub firmly and sensually all over his partner’s trimmed, naked crotch. He pulls the pie tin away to reveal the damage: Vinny’s privates have been completely demolished. Whipped cream and pie filling slowly slide off in massive chunks. His shaft hangs limply as the cream starts to melt.

Marc walks between the two of them and nudges them forward to face the cameras.

“Well, that was just delightful,” Marc says, as the guys turn their attention to him. Both of them continue to claw at their faces, trying to pull as much pie mess off themselves as they can.

“But I don’t think that was enough. You know what would be even more delightful for you two?”

A pregnant pause as the tension in the room suddenly rises. Marc points at each of them individually as he sentences them to their final punishments.

“Vinny, YOU’RE going to the Pie Slide, and Mitch, you’re going to the Pie Coaster!”

The crowd is absolutely eating this up. Mitch is heard shouting, “I hate rollercoasters!” But his pleading falls on deaf ears. Robin and Marci emerge to escort the two to their torture devices. Each of them climbs a ladder to their respective seats: Vinny to a simple padded seat with a backrest, Mitch to a more ornate gaming-style chair with armrests that he gets secured into at the wrists and the waist.

Marc goes over to get rid of Vinny first. He’s about 10 feet above the stage floor, looking down a long straight track into a massive cream pie, complete with a small red ball in the center: the cherry on top. Written on the giant pie itself, in bold, blue lettering, are the words FINISH HIM.

Two cannons are positioned about halfway down the track, one on each side, aimed at the spot where his face will be. He knows he’s about to get shot with something, then get his body dumped in the pie; he just prays whatever gets blasted in his face isn’t rank.

The next thing Vinny knows, he hears the audience counting.

ONE! TWO! THREE!

His seat starts to roll down the track, slowly at first, then picking up speed. He sees the giant pie and its mocking message rapidly getting closer, getting bigger, and then it’s lights out as the cream guns shoot their contents directly in his face: a double blast of even more chocolate syrup. It blows his auburn hair back, coats his already pie-covered face, and adds another layer of color to the red and white splattered all over his crotch.

Vinny is stunned, but only long enough to hear a CLANK as the chair reaches the end of the line. He feels himself weightless, but only for a second, as his cock and balls flop helplessly in the air. In that split second, Vinny prays this landing doesn’t hurt.

SPLAT! Another corny sound effect plays as Vinny belly flops into the massive pie, his whine silenced the moment his naked body hits the cold cream. He hits it so hard that he practically disappears under the surface. He slams through the blue frosting letters and churns up gobs of whipped cream. Then, also something totally new: the cream is only the topping for a base of chocolate pudding, which Vinny’s body sinks into and which joins the Cool Whip in spraying out of the pool. The thick pudding acts like a hug around his dick. He immediately feels his arousal.

As with every other victim of the Pie Slide, when his body comes to rest, the only thing anyone can see is his muscular ass, still covered with pie mess from his earlier spanking.

Vinny truly has been finished.

With his ears plugged shut with pie filling, Vinny really prefers just laying face down in here for the rest of his life, but slowly he musters the courage to lift himself up and show his face.

Like every other person on this show whose body has ever been violently tossed into slop — or had slop violently tossed onto them – Vinny emerges a blubbering mess, his body smothered in black and white, his mouth wide open with pie dribbling out. A camera zooms directly in on his messy cock, which is once again fully at attention. Vinny repositions himself to take a seat in the pie, sees the camera, and quickly covers his nuts with his hand. But it’s too late; the audience points at it on the screens above the studio showing the video feed. Their schadenfreude is palpable.

As he claws the pudding and pie out of his eyes, he sees a camera in his face, capturing the complete humiliation of this moment. But the cameraperson quickly leaves, and Vinny realizes that Marc has turned his attention to Mitch, who is about to face an extreme punishment of his own.

The Pie Coaster was perhaps the least messy device on the original What Would You Do, but in this iteration, like many of the other devices, it has been improved to maximize the victim’s “experience”:

• The bumper car that afforded contestants protection has been replaced with a gaming-style padded chair, leaving the victim completely exposed
• The helmet-with-visor has been replaced with absolutely nothing
• The original pie, which was fake but for a small “window” with cream in it, has been expanded to allow the victim’s entire body to get smothered
• Like the Pie Slide, cream guns have been set up along the track, this time between the two paper barriers that the victim rips through
• The larger-than-life pie that the victim slams into is rigged with two traps on the other side, each one set to release sequentially when jostled (i.e., as soon as Mitch smashes through the pie)

Mitch can’t see the cream guns or the booby traps on the other side of the pie, but having just seen what happened to Vinny, he knows he’s about to get it good.

10 feet down on the ground, Marc chides him for his line of work. “This is what happens when you’re a Tennessee Titans fan on this show. On the count of three!”

ONE! TWO! THREE!

Mitch shivers in terror as the Pie Coaster rumbles forward and descends down the first hill. He tears through the first paper barrier as the crowd yells “WHAT WOULD!” At that exact moment, the cream guns come into view and blast him with (what else?) more chocolate syrup. Mitch, who is terrified of roller coasters, even small ones like this, screams as his face gets blasted and his hair gets smothered. Like with Vinny, the runny chocolate slides down to his crotch, where it instantly turns the shiny silver material dull.

Just then, he rips through the second paper barrier. “YOU DO!” shouts the audience, and as he opens his eyes, he sees it coming frighteningly fast: the giant pie. CLOONK! is the sound as his entire body plows straight through the massive dessert.

His body is smothered, his figure slamming right through the cream filling and turning him into an ugly shade of yellowish-white. First, his legs. Next, his barely-covered crotch, the What Would You Do logo on his jock immediately buried in slop. Then his muscular chest and torso, the off-white cream replacing his perfectly-tanned skin from his shoulders to his hips. Then, his cute face, the smile that cheered on the Titans during football season, a warm, welcoming sight at the reception desk of the fitness studio, now reduced to a featureless mound of white. And finally, his blonde hair, his favorite part of his body, clobbered with blueberry pie, pummeled with chocolate syrup, and now smothered with whipped cream.

Like everyone else, Mitch is in stunned shock. His seat climbs a steep slope to stop his momentum, and with his body in a prone position at a 90-degree angle, the first of the two booby traps releases.

He doesn’t even have time to brace himself before a full-sized vanilla buttercream sheet cake, decorated with a red bullseye, flies down from the heavens and smashes straight down onto  Mitch’s body. The cake is frosted to do maximum damage, and it does just that: it explodes all over his face, chest and torso the moment he reaches the apex of the slope.

OHHHH moans the crowd.

His mouth drops wide open for what seems like the hundredth time. He rolls backwards through the tin side of the pie, climbs up the track on the other side, before once again moving forward through it and getting another face full of pie. With his momentum slowing, he reverses back through and takes a third creamy facial before finally coming to a complete stop on the tin side of the pie. Chunks of cake and globs of whipped cream slide off his body and onto the floor.

But just when Mitch thinks his horror ride is over, the second trap releases: it’s a pair of 5 gallon buckets. They dump their payloads all over him, showering him from his head to his knees in a deluge of goopy green slime.

He yelps one last time. The slime is cold! His ordeal is finally over, but he's a multicolored mess from head to toe, a thin strip of fabric all that’s left of his dignity. The new and improved Pie Coaster has destroyed its first victim.

Beneath all the muck covering his head, Mitch hears Marc asking for one final round of applause. He thinks he hears him mocking him and Vinny one last time, but it doesn’t matter at this point.

When he sat in the waiting area, he saw the Wall of Shame, and saw Jamie on it. Then he saw Jamie clean, in real life. How happy he was to see Jamie experience joy, even if it came at the expense of his ex-boyfriend. He seemed to have it coming anyway.

But now, all Mitch and Vinny could hope for is that same sympathy from the audience. The same audience that cheered when they got their asses spanked by two girls they’d never met. The same audience that wanted to see their bodies get thrown into and smashed through ridiculously large pies.

Do the viewers at home look at him the same way? As a piece of meat? What would his coworkers think? Will his personal life be ruined the same way his face and body was today? The same way Jamie’s was?

This is the new What Would You Do. Ratings through the roof. Entertaining as hell. As long as you’re not the unlucky one getting picked to play.