Non-Scale Victories

Author’s Note: This is a blend of discussing personal troubles, academic discourse, and random ramblings about the desire to gain a lot of weight. It’s less of a story, but I think many of you will find it relatable and find some of the concepts discussed slightly erotic. I mix academics with sexual desire in this piece. I’ll get back to some normal bonus content soon. I also highly encourage you to interact with the text in the comments below. 

Non-scale Victories 

Media and amplified voices tell us bodies of size, particularly fat bodies, should be avoided at all costs. Despite these efforts to shame far people and whip them into shape, gainers and feedees attempt to put on weight. Whatever your or your partner’s reason for trying to turn calories into piles of blubber, many of us have dysmorphia. There are terms for eating disorders and body dysmorphia for those who feel too fat for society or feel like they need to gain a lot of muscle. In particular, I think of the term bigorexia to describe the feeling of never being muscular enough no matter how hard one works. 

However, I’ve never personally heard of a medical or cultural model to describe this feeling for gainers. You know what I mean. The extreme ones who want to eat themselves to immobility or even death, the reason many of you subscribe to this Patreon. Gainers often feel like they will never feel fat enough and experience body dysmorphia as well. Some may piggyback off this idea of Bigorexia. At one time, this is the connotation I used to put my feelings into concrete language, but the more my desires grow, pun intended, the more I think this term doesn’t meet my expectations. I believe there is not an inclusive term for gainers because in many cultures, particularly in American culture where the country is getting heavier, one isn’t supposed to want to get fatter on purpose.

Regardless of what one calls this phenomenon, I often find myself feeling bad about myself when I can’t make the number on the scale increase, even when I give it my all. I know many gainers are the same. Stalled progress takes the fun and sexual thrill out of gaining. We doubt ourselves when we stuff and stuff ourselves when little payoff. We tend not to post as many pictures because it feels like we will disappoint ourselves and everyone we want to share our progress with until we can make substantial progress. 

The reality is some gainers don’t put on weight easily. Our metabolism, financial situations, and societal expectations are forms of biological and social control over us. If only we were all born in an environment with the right biological and social composition to pack on weight easily like the super morbidly obese people we watch on television. I believe the correct term for the response of struggling to gain weight is “hella devastating.” Let’s get that printed in a Sociology textbook. All of this is to pre-face that while we can’t all gain a massive amount of weight in a short time, we must be gentle with ourselves because many gainers find this to impact their mental health negatively. 

Sure, we love numbers. It’s fucking erotic for many of us to outgrow scales and see a high number. Good god, I get it. I cum until my heart feels weak whenever I read articles of men being trapped in their house under their weight or watch the fatties struggle on My600lbLife. Some find it sad and tragic, but I crave the first 30 minutes of the episode, especially if they fail on their journey. The quantitative data gets me rock hard. Seriously, I feel weak in the knees and my heart pounds until I almost feel nauseous whenever I hear about men hitting 700 pounds or more. The closer to 1,000, the more I feel like my cock will spray like a fire hose. All I can think about is someone weighing me and seeing those numbers for myself. Then, I also ask myself, will that be enough? Will there ever be enough for me? There’s never enough.

It’s all about the numbers, but as I’ve said, numbers can also be devastating when they aren’t as high as we want them to be or think they should be. It’s emotionally draining because our progress isn’t linear, or in this case, a skyrocketing arrow. Numbers can change easily due to factors like muscle weighing more than fat, bloating, water retention, and more. We see the scale go up and down. Sometimes we need to feel fat and remind ourselves how much progress we’ve made, even if we aren’t at our final goal. Breaking goals into management smaller SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time manageable) goals is one method, but gainers often make these goals also about numbers. 

I propose that we start emphasizing small victories more regarding fatness as opposed to only the numbers on a scale. We must begin to celebrate non-scale achievements, which are small every day wins with our waistlines. The concept is most commonly used in weight loss circles. I asked myself what it would look like if gainers capitalized on this term and flipped the script. Yes, we can continue to use numbers because that’s fucking hot for some of us, but for others, it’s about how they feel about the way they look. I, like many gainers, often forget about the facts surrounding what we’ve accomplished. 

Fortunately, there are so many little milestones we make that we can use to remind ourselves how far we’ve come when we get disappointed at the scale. Many of us do these without feeling accomplished because we are obsessed with more. I’ve come up with a few that you might be able to celebrate achieving or to make a SMART goal for yourself that doesn’t necessarily require piling on 700 pounds. However, some may need just a little bit more growth, which is why I indicated we could make it a goal that isn’t necessarily about a number.

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• Put on a pair of pants that are getting tight. Hell, even put on a pair of pants you've outgrown. We tend to keep these things for awhile until we sort out what to do with them. You probably have something in your closet. Try them on. Notice they are tighter than when you bought them. You may even notice a muffin top accented by your jeans. From a personal experience, now my pants don’t get as tight, and I’m not buying pants as often. Sometimes I feel down, but then I remind myself that all of my pants are elastic in the waistband. I tell myself I’m fat enough to need elastic, and that’s why I don’t have to buy a new size of pants every few months. My waist size was 44 inches pre-pandemic, but with my fat man pants, I can still squeeze on my size 40 pants. 
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• Do this with your shirts too. There are many things you can do with your shirts. You can always find something small in your closet. I have a lot of department shirts from undergrad. Sometimes I put them on because I know they will go above my belly button. I also notice my XL shirts are usually a no-go, and now my XXL shirts ride up easy with movement. I’m slowly replacing my closet with XXXL shirts to give myself room to grow. Yet, sometimes when I want to feel fat, I put on a shirt one or two sizes too small and wear it all day, even in front of my housemate. You can also try popping some buttons with your old dress shirts. It will make you feel fat AF if you can make a button fly across the room. 
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• While we are on the topic of clothes, as you get larger, start shopping in the Big and Tall section. Even if you only need an XXL, I was shocked to find out many places consider XXL as plus size. I’ve had this experience at both Kohl’s and JCPenney. Fat boy clothes are expensive, but clothes are usually on sale at these stores. Pre-pandemic, I had to go up to XXXL in dress shirts for a conference in Nashville (which is a story all on its own; go to Nashville if you want to be treated like a fat King). I bought five dress shirts for about $100. I revel in the fact I’m finally at the 3X stage. I’m tall, so it’s always been a little devastating to see guys who are not even 300 pounds wearing shirts bigger than mine. I seriously cherish the fact I’ve finally made it.
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• As a final note on clothes, DXL is expensive. They have some nice stuff, and honestly, most people could shop there, even if you’re not a whale yet. It’s excellent preparation for what is to come for your waistline. My housemate and I go together. He calls it destination fat man. We make a day of it. There’s a steakhouse and a McDonald’s in the parking lot. I like to stuff myself silly at the steakhouse, go shopping for clothes, and get a McDonald’s drink in that order. I usually take some selfies in the changing room at DXL of my belly. Then, on my way home, I stop across the street at the Cheesecake Factory and pick up some decadent slices to take home for dessert. It’s a fun day for a gainer. Maybe I’ll find someone to do it as a romantic date with public belly rubs and kinky deathfeedist talk. If I have to leave my house at all, that’s the way to get me out. 
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• Many individuals who practice mindfulness will tell you the practice is all about being fully present and aware of where we are and what we are doing. Tune into your body and how you feel, especially after doing something physical. Take the time to feel that maybe you’re getting more out of breath than you once were. Channel that feeling of losing your energy. Notice how your muscles or joints feel a little different carrying new weight. Remember when you could do more without feeling this way. I’ve noticed that I can’t stand as long as I could before, my knees feel like bone grinding on bone, my muscles ache, and I’m out of breath doing basic things. It’s painful, but also incredibly erotic. I used to hike up a hill every day to class from 2012-2016. Now I struggle to stand to teach my students in a class that only meets for an hour. My students look at me while I become breathless, just standing and talking. I’m not even 350 pounds yet. I rejoice in this every class period I teach. 
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• Find a food that you can gorge on as a meal or even a treat you can snack on. Can you pound down McDoubles? Does a dozen Krispy Kremes make you cream? Feeling uncomfortably full isn’t just a way to pack on the pounds. It’s a disgustingly good feeling because of the pride you feel when you can eat a lot: that and all the chemicals bouncing around in your piggy brain. I’m not a big snacker. I am a pretty picky gainer with a ton of odd food preferences, and I have to be in the mood for something specific to snack. However, I like to load up on calories in my full meals and add chocolate chip cookies for dessert. If I pair it with two glasses of whole milk, I’m in bliss and eat way more than I thought I could. Just try to find something for you that you won’t get tired of the flavor. When I manage to eat a big meal, I feel proud. Like, shit, I really ate all that!?
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• There’s nothing like feeling uncomfortable in a “normal” seat that makes me feel like a blimp. It’s uncomfortable while it’s happening, but feeling like a burden in small spaces is a source of pride for many gainers as well, and a source of distress for obese people altogether. Many spaces are contested for obese people. You can tell if you belong or not by how accommodating space is for your size: airline seats, stadium seats, theatre seats, and the availability of seatbelt extenders and bariatric seating. These are just a few things that indicate who a space was made for to enjoy. Even 50 pounds ago, I felt like I spilled over seats into other people’s laps. Now I just say sorry and move on because I take up even more space now. 
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• Booths can be the worst in terms of comfort, but an excellent indicator that you’re growing more than you think. I prefer booths when I go out to eat, but they are a pain. At most restaurants, either the tables or the chairs are screwed into the floor. Sometimes they both are, which means it’ll be poking into your belly. My belly usually gets squished a bit. My housemate is heavier and much shorter than me, and I swear at Chili’s, his tits sit on top of the table! Generally speaking, you look and feel fatter in a booth because of the restrictions. Another thing that one may celebrate is breaking a chair at a restaurant. 
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• I don’t go to Amusement parks or the Zoo anymore. People find it sad when they realize I live a mile from the Zoo, and I work a mile from an amusement park, but I’ve not been to either in years. One reason is that I’d rather be at home in an air conditioner without exerting myself so much. Many of the others are because these places are not designed for fat people. Let’s start with amusement parks. Even when I moved to this city and hit 275 pounds, I struggled. I’ve never been to Disney World, but the running joke is the people are so big they are all on scooters. I believe it. The walking involved is fucking terrible. Also, is it just me, or do many parks have low weight and size limits? The last park I went to, there was an issue with trying to get the bar down on my lap. My gut wasn’t even that big. I was expecting a couple hundred more pounds before it would be an issue. Thanks, Universal. Go to an amusement park and realize how out of shape you are when you feel too healthy as a gainer or death feedee. You’ll be doing the walk of shame. The alternative plan is to sit your fat ass down and eat your way through the theme park. 
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• The last time I went to the Zoo, I was miserable. Just like with amusement parks, it’s a lot of walking in the fucking heat. Several indicators can remind you that you’re getting too fat and unhealthy for your own good. Count how many times you need to rest after your feet pound the pavement. How our of breath do you get? Buy a souvenir cup with unlimited refills. I guarantee you’ll swell on that soda. I stopped several times for refills, not to get my money’s worth, but because I needed relief from the toll on my body from the exhaustion. I was the only one out of the four of us who needed to stop. It was an embarrassingly erotic time with my graduate school friends.  
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• While I usually don’t condone comparing yourself to others, doing so can be useful as a barometer between you and thin or fit folks. You don’t know how out of shape or massive you are because you get used to your feelings. However, you’re probably not as typical as you might feel. Feel accomplished every time you’re the biggest person in the room. If you’re in a wedding party, you’ll notice how big you are in a line-up of slender friends. At family reunions, relatives who haven’t seen you since your latest weight gain may notice and make comments. The longer you go without seeing someone, the more dramatic your growth will seem. My dad always thinks I look like I’m the size of a house because I only see him once a year, even if I’ve only gained 30 pounds. If you’re the type to dabble in online dating, it’s always fun to see your date do a double-take when you show up, feeling fat fished. 
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• Ultimately, in any of the social situations above, your weight will come up. Some people make a big deal of it and are incredibly overt about how they think you’re a pig with no self-control. Others will be covert and participate in fat talk. Fat talk is a sociological concept in which two or more people make negative comments about their bodies. It reinforces the belief that thin bodies are attractive and ideal; it serves the function of social control. I’ve learned from personal experience that a lot of individuals who participate in fat talk are usually thinner than I am. This suggests that fat talk isn’t just about those participating in the conversation, but also about highlighting how fucking fat they think you are in a covert method. That always makes me feel accomplished as it’s essentially saying they don’t want to end up as fat as I am. 
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• As someone into the extremes of obesity, we will finish with some extreme examples. Most of these tend to happen at higher weights and over time. I think of the decline in mobility from struggling to walk unaided to needing a cane to use a scooter or wheelchair to get around. Hopefully, that will eventually lead to complete immobility. There will also probably be times you go to the doctor or generally realize you have health issues. Some obese patients struggle to fit in the hospital gowns provided or outgrow equipment like blood pressure cuffs and MRI machines. I look at my health and mobility issues and treat them like trophies. It started as developing SI Joint dysfunction in my lower back, making it hard to stand or walk for long periods. Next, my knees began to hurt all the time. Then, my feet started to feel like pins and needles, sometimes feeling like I was stepping on glass. Yes, these things hurt, but they also turn me on and remind me of what I’ve done to myself, even when the scale stays stagnant.

That’s a lot of obesity-related stuff to celebrate, right? It’s not even the tip of the iceberg for your titanic body. I’m also happy to help lift you fatties up. Just send me a picture telling me you need a pick-me-up, and I’ll find something to compliment about your body. However, it is often more rewarding to notice these things and be mindful of them. Live them and appreciate your accomplishments in the moment, so they mean more to you. It’s an easy way to stay motivated when the needle on the scale doesn’t move. Little things matter; don’t forget to celebrate! What are some non-scale victories you have? Feel free to comment below. I know my posts don’t usually get a lot of comments, but I think it would be fantastic if we built community by inspiring others to keep up their gains through these challenging times.