Session 𝓢eventy-Three

Session 73:
"The Opposite"

⨳ ⨳ ⨳

My vision was blurred, my crying messy and silent as I tried my best to navigate down the different hallways.

But I genuinely had no idea where to go.

I was lost, and I felt like I genuinely couldn't breathe.

My chest hurts—there's this ache every few seconds.

I also feel really dizzy.

Maybe I should've eaten those stupid fancy hors d'oeuvres things.

Now I couldn't stomach anything, even the thought of eating made me nauseous.

I just wanted to crawl under a bunch of covers and never come out.

I felt guilty for leaving Monroe all alone back there.

No matter if she might've... removed yet another person.

I can't think about that right now.

It makes the room spin worse.

I don't think she killed Talia.

Or at least I tried to convince myself of that.

Then I kept thinking about the Maricel thing.

I'm still coping with those stupid nightmares.

I'm not sure how much more I can take before I break.

Or maybe I'm already fucking broken.

Because even I know I couldn't actually leave Monroe.

She could kill millions of people, and I still wouldn't find the strength to detach from her.

I genuinely deteriorate without her.

I... I can't live properly without her.

Her reaction to Talia wasn't the best, but maybe it's because she didn't kill her.

Or she's upset that I found out...

I quickly shook my head, determining that I shouldn't let myself spiral further.

I focused on trying to navigate through the large estate, praying that I would eventually recognize the hallways of the west wing.

Forty minutes.

It took me forty minutes of walking in circles before I finally took the right hallway.

I nearly broke down crying the moment I laid eyes on the familiar hallway where our room was.

I rushed past the different doors, stopping by the familiar wooden door and twisting the gold handle.

I slipped inside the dim room without hesitation, kicking off my heels with a shaky sigh.

My brows naturally furrowed, noticing her familiar silver dress on the floor.

Then I processed the sound of the running shower.

I hesitantly walked toward the bathroom, gently pushing the cracked door open.

Steam flowed out immediately as I walked into the foggy bathroom, sniffling a few times as I glanced around.

Except Monroe wasn't in the shower.

No.

She just silently stood at the sink with her back to me, entirely naked.

It was a little... unnerving.

I wasn't sure what was going on or when she got back to our room.

Then again, I was lost for a while.

I stepped back when Monroe suddenly turned around.

Her eyes didn't meet mine, signaling that she was still buried in her mind.

I tried not to flinch when she reached for my arm, gently guiding me to turn around.

I didn't know what else to do but comply and let her take care of me like she always does.

She always fixes me in the end.

I just need to let her.

It was terrifyingly silent as she unzipped my dress, the only sound of the shower echoing.

It was like the last hour hadn't even happened.

I remained stiff as she undressed me, carefully pulling my curly hair up into a bun.

Then she guided me toward the running shower, which I assumed she ran for us both.

She was waiting for me?

I blinked a few times as I stepped inside the glass shower, my puffy eyes aching and my head starting to pound.

The steam helped a little.

I drew in a deep breath when I felt her gently grab my shoulders, stepping into the shower with me.

I walked with her as she guided us toward the hot water, grabbing one of the wash cloths and soap that she began preparing.

I openly analyzed her, taking in how calm her expression was.

She hadn't spoken a word, yet I knew so much was wrong here.

But I went along with it.

I let her wash me from head to toe, and I helped do the same for her.

We silently washed each other's faces, her eyes still not bothering to meet mine.

There was this suffocating tension between us, but for once, speaking felt worse.

Living in this silent limbo was weirdly calming.

We weren't acknowledging what really happened, and it almost made it all feel fake.

Like it never existed as our reality.

I honestly forgot the better part of the evening by the time we finished showering.

Monroe lathered lotion all over my body while I made sure to apply lotion to her velvety smooth skin as well.

Then we silently brushed our teeth, standing entirely naked in front of the mirror.

I didn't bother getting dressed.

I just climbed into bed with Monroe, subtly putting a pillow down between us as a silent way of insisting on space.

I noticed her pause for a moment, eyeing the pillow I angled between us.

She didn't move for seconds on end, silently staring at the pillow acting as a barrier.

I purposely laid down and faced away from her, not wanting to acknowledge anything tonight.

I just needed a moment in my own bubble right now, and Monroe seemed to respect that.

I felt her shift in the bed, lying down as I continued to face away from her.

It was the worst feeling ever.

Lying in the same bed, yet feeling so far away from each other.

My puffy eyes felt so heavy that all I could do was close them, but my mind still raced with so many thoughts.

Internally, I fought my own inner voice, insisting that Monroe didn't do it.

Her reaction was just...

She was caught off guard.

But then there was another voice that challenged every point I made about it.

I even began thinking back to instances when she mentioned Talia, now piecing together how she always talked about her.

It was always in... remembrance?

Then my brain would insist it was just guilt.

She felt guilty.

Or maybe not, I don't know.

Monroe wasn't who she was now—maybe she didn't have anything to do with her death.

My thoughts drove me insane.

I tossed and turned for what felt like hours on end, until I decided to leave my thoughts alone and stop fighting them.

I laid there, suffocated by the darkness and heavy silence, slowly drifting asleep.

The next time I blinked my heavy eyes open, my head was pounding and my eyes felt puffy.

Bright daylight seeped in around me, warm covers layered on top of me.

The warmth of her body was pressed against the back of mine, cuddled perfectly against me with her arms around my waist.

Her hands were under the baggy shirt I didn't remember falling asleep in, one pressed against my stomach and the other cupping one of my breasts as usual.

My breathing was calm and soft, staring ahead out of the tall windows that overlooked the perfectly green grass and endless woods.

I furrowed my brows, a realization dawning on me.

Or last night, specifically.

I remembered the event, meeting Eliza, how I played the piano.

Then Clarisse—how she mentioned Talia.

Talia is dead.

I unconsciously stiffened, glancing around the room as last night came back to me.

I confronted Monroe, and she broke down.

We both broke down.

I remember running off toward the bedroom where she already awaited me.

We took the hottest shower, yet I felt so dirty.

I still feel so fucking dirty.

I remember falling asleep after that, but I put a pillow between us, and Monroe was on her side of the bed.

How did we get into this position?

I suddenly turned my head to the side, analyzing her face nuzzled into the crook of my neck.

Monroe looked peaceful.

Her breaths were soft, and her face entirely relaxed.

Normally, I would've fucking swooned over a sight like this.

But now, all I can think about is Talia.

Monroe is still carrying on like last night never happened.

She's holding me like I don't feel suffocated already.

I need to get out of here.

I let out a soft sigh, realizing I'm quite literally tangled with her body.

I hesitantly reached under my shirt for her hand cupping my breast, attempting to guide it away.

I stiffened when she shifted against me, stirring from her sleep.

I carefully let go of her hand, allowing it to fall onto the bed in front of me instead.

That's one step closer.

Sort of.

Her arms are still wrapped around me.

Even her face is nuzzled against my neck.

I'm not sure how I plan to make it out of this bed without waking her.

Maybe I just need to rip the band-aid off.

I'll pull away fast and hope for the best.

Because there's no way I'll be able to guide her face away from my neck without waking her.

I need to at least guide her arm away from my waist and then pull.

I pursed my lips tightly together, carefully reaching for her arm draped over my waist.

Monroe stirred slightly again, but luckily, I was more successful this time around and removed her arm entirely.

Then I pulled away.

Or attempted to pull.

I gasped when I felt her grab my waist, firmly pulling me back down to the bed.

Was she awake this entire time?

I drew in a series of deep breaths, trying to calm myself down.

But her actions startled the fuck out of me.

"Monroe," I hesitantly said as she held me even closer than before, "I'm going to get up."

Silence.

That's all I was met with.

Monroe didn't say anything.

She just nuzzled her face back into the crook of my neck.

I tugged against her, but her arms only tightened around me.

"I want to get up," I emphasized, struggling more against her tight hold that didn't loosen.

I drew in a series of deep breaths, tears burning in my eyes as I reached for my chest.

"Monroe, you're hurting me," I tried my best to say, sobbing when the tightness around me grew worse, "I-I can't breathe."

I cried harder, tugging and jerking as I gasped for air.

"Ro," I forced out, my vision blurry with exploding spots, "You're going to suffocate me."

"You're next, mija."

A scream burned in my throat from Maricel's familiar echoey voice, grasping for anything around me.

But suddenly there wasn't a bed.

Monroe wasn't here with me anymore.

I was drenched in darkness until—

I gasped, my eyes snapping open as I panted for air.

Sobs fell from my lips as soon as I registered her hovering over me, squeezing my eyes closed as I reached for my aching chest.

"I-I," I cried out, turning on my side, "I can't breathe."

"Liberty," Monroe said, grabbing my hand in hers, "Squeeze as hard as you can."

I cried harder as I squeezed her hand, drawing in shallow breaths.

"It hurts—please make it go away," I forced out weakly, squeezing my eyes tighter shut.

"Squeeze five times, Liberty," her familiar voice guided me, making my hand tighten around hers a few times in a row.

I couldn't begin to count right now.

My cries were breathless, my chest burning like someone had lit a match inside of me.

"Now open your eyes," I heard her say, making me shake my head.

"I'm scared," I whispered, squeezing her hand tighter.

"Open your eyes, darling," Monroe repeated.

Weak sobs vibrated in my chest, opening my aching eyes without looking over at her.

"Liberty," she calmly said, making more tears burn in my eyes.

Especially when I glanced over, meeting her stare through the darkness around us.

It made me squeeze her hand tighter, trying to forget every detail of the nightmare I just had.

"I would never hurt you, Liberty," Monroe softly whispered, eyeing my face with furrowed brows, "Never," she emphasized.

I wondered if I was sleep-talking.

God, that's so embarrassing if so.

I shook my head, unable to formulate any words in response to what she said.

She hurt Maricel.

She... might've hurt Talia.

"Liberty," Monroe spoke again, gently cupping my face in her other hand, "I had zero involvement in Talia's death."

My bottom lip trembled, letting out a series of relieved breaths from her clarification alone.

All my walls crumbled around me before I could process it, reaching out for her.

"I'm sorry," I weakly whispered, hugging her to me, "I'm so sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay, darling," she softly whispered, letting go of my hand to lie down beside me and hug me against her bare body. "Just breathe for me."

"I-I thought because of Maricel," I whispered, "And then your reaction, I just-I thought... I'm sorry."

"Liberty, it's okay," Monroe said, her voice holding so much reassurance. "This all caught me off guard. I couldn't explain it how I preferred, but I don't blame you for being scared."

I sniffled, burying my face in her bare chest as I clung to her.

"They won't go away," I forced out, soft cries vibrating in my throat as I drew in deep breaths.

"What won't go away, darling?" Monroe softly asked me.

"The nightmares," I said, squeezing her closer to me for security, "They won't go away—she's always there, Monroe."

"Who, Liberty?" she said, caressing the back of my head, "Maricel?"

I sniffled, "Yes," I whispered brokenly, "Please make them go away—you fix everything for me."

I heard Monroe softly sigh, "I can only help you outside of it, darling."

More tears burned in my eyes, "I just want to sleep again, please," I forced out.

"My sweet girl," Monroe whispered, burying her face in the crook of my neck, "I'm sorry I put you through this, darling."

"No, I don't care," I whispered, shaking my head, "You'll fix me—you always do."

"Liberty," she said, pulling back from my neck to meet my stare through the darkness.

She was silent for a moment, her eyes trailing my face with so much concern behind them.

"I care that my actions triggered these nightmares for you," she emphasized, tilting her head as she met my stare again, "You need to care too. Hold me accountable, Liberty."

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

Genuine confusion, processing her words.

Hold her accountable?

She... had to remove Maricel.

I blinked a few times, unconsciously tapping my hands against her back when my breathing felt painful again.

"Mommy," I whispered, running my hands up her back.

"Monroe," she corrected me, staring so deeply into my eyes, "Say my name, darling."

I remained silent, openly staring at her face for a moment.

It felt like my brain was still catching up with everything around me.

"Monroe," I whispered with furrowed brows.

"Your Ro Ro," she clarified, not once glancing away from my stare.

My lips twitched up, "My Ro Ro," I sighed deeply, my body relaxing entirely as I admired her beautiful face, "You're so perfect, baby."

Monroe shook her head, "I'm not, Liberty. I made a mistake and now—"

"You don't make mistakes," I quickly cut her short, cupping her soft face in my hands, "You... you protected us."

"At what cost?" Monroe whispered so softly, " I broke you. You're in denial right now, Liberty."

A smile grew on my lips, "You'll fix me," I confidently whispered.

Monroe sighed weakly, leaning down to bury her face in my chest.

"I don't want to break you," she said, her words muffled against my chest, "I don't want to cause you nightmares, Liberty."

I remained wordlessly silent, unconsciously caressing the back of her head.

"I..." Monroe trailed off hesitantly, "I'm the one who needs to be fixed," she determined softly.

"Baby," I softly whispered, hating how upset she sounded.

"I don't want to be like them," she forced out, drawing in the deepest breath, "But that's all I know, Liberty, and I'm sorry."

"I'll teach you better then, baby," I quickly reassured her, "You're not them. You're warmer and so much more caring, Monroe."

She remained silent for a few beats, the air around us stilling. 

"I want you to teach me," she admitted, exhaling deeply, "I don't want to make you spiral like this. I only want to—"

"Fix me," I unconsciously finished her sentence as I hugged her even closer, focusing on the feeling of her naked, warm body against mine, "We fix each other, remember?"

Monroe hummed weakly, "But I can't fix you like this. I can't be there for you. I can't get you."

"You always get me," I quickly corrected her, "Always, Ro."

Monroe remained silent for a moment, drawing in a long breath before exhaling.

Then she lifted her head from my chest, meeting my stare with the most broken look in her eyes.

All I wanted to do was hold her and never let go. 

"They killed her," Monroe suddenly said, her face visibly crumbling into nothing but despair once she said the words aloud.

I contemplated whether her eyes had gotten glossy or if it was just really dark.

"It was the first time I had been close to death," she continued, drawing in a deep breath, "I never knew how my parents handled issues until Talia."

"My baby," I whispered when tears grew more prominent in her beautiful blue eyes.

I've never witnessed her cry before.

The sight alone broke everything inside of me. 

"I can't do this," Monroe whispered, burying her face in my chest.

"We don't have to do this, baby," I assured her, hugging my arms so tightly around her.

"I don't want you to have nightmares of the unknown," Monroe said, her words soft and muffled against my chest, "I want you to know the truth."

I let out a sigh, feeling conflicted about what Monroe wanted and what I thought she needed.

I'm not sure if she should talk about it right now, even if it means enduring more nightmares. 

"Talia was my patient and first arrangement, as you already know," Monroe continued before I could say anything, pressing her ear against my chest, "I didn't know what boundaries I should've had, or the contracts that I needed drafted."

I remained silent, allowing her to continue at her own pace when she pleased.

"Boundaries are very important, Liberty. I learned that lesson far too late," she whispered, letting out the deepest sigh. "I poured too much into Talia. I even let her touch me intimately."

I hummed, recalling that Talia was the only other woman who gave her pleasure. 

I hated the idea of anyone touching her like I had. 

"But I never grew attached. I was emotionally unavailable," Monroe briefly explained, taking another moment of silence before she whispered—

"Talia was the opposite."

I remained silent, processing this new information.

I guess I always imagined Talia was different to Monroe.

She said Talia was different, but I misread it all.

Talia was only different because she was the first.

Monroe didn't know what boundaries to have or how to navigate an arrangement.

Things were deeper, yes, but only for Talia.

"I understood why she grew attached, Liberty. We had spent two years in this arrangement, and many lines were blurred," Monroe continued, her voice growing softer, "She reacted just as I expected when I cut our arrangement," she whispered, drawing in a deep breath, "Except she went into a deeper manic state. She went public with the details of our arrangement."

My brows immediately raised, "Oh my god," I whispered, already in pure disbelief that these details touched the light of day.

Wow.

"My parents had the articles removed from every search engine that existed," Monroe added, letting out the deepest sigh before she said—

"And next thing I knew, Talia was dead, overdosed on pills that I never recalled her using. They claimed she was mentally unstable."

I pursed my lips into a frown, "I'm so sorry, Monroe," I whispered, caressing my hand up her back as I held her as close as possible.

"They blamed it on me, Liberty," she forced out, "They said I should've controlled Talia better. It was all on my hands."

"No, they did this, Monroe. Not you," I emphasized, hating that her parents put her in that awful predicament.

This only adds to her controlling tendencies, especially with Maricel.

Monroe didn't want another repeat of the Talia situation.

Wait.

She was... when she said she was protecting us, or me, she really meant it.

She was protecting me from her parents.

God forbid, Maricel really did talk to a reporter, and Monroe's parents caught wind.

They probably would've killed me just to tie up loose ends.

They basically instilled this fight-or-flight mode in her, except it was to the death.

Her parents genuinely made her like this.

"God, I'm so sorry, Monroe," I forced out, squeezing her so close to me with hope that I could take this all away from her.

"I don't want to be the villain," she whispered, drawing in a series of deep breaths, "But that's what it takes to protect you, and I despise it. I promise, I do, Liberty."

"I know, baby. I know," I assured her.

"Maricel was going to cause the same thing," Monroe frantically whispered, "She was going to make them... take you away from me."

I nuzzled my face into her neck, pressing the softest kisses to her skin, hoping she could feel my support.

"It was between you and Maricel, and I chose you. I will always choose you," Monroe said, sniffling in a way that made everything crumble around me.

"I'll always choose you too, baby," I whispered so softly, tears burning in my eyes as I let out a deep sigh, "It's always you."

Monroe hummed weakly, her tears wet against my chest as she held me tighter to her. "You're the only one who gets me."

Her words were so unbearably vulnerable.

Like she had felt alone with all of this for too long, lost in the darkness that her parents caused. 

It made more tears grow in my eyes that I squeezed closed.

"You're the only one who gets me, too, baby," I whispered to her, tears slipping from my eyes as I softly kissed her neck again.

"I can't let you go," Monroe insisted, "I never will."

I hummed, "Never," I assured her.

I couldn't see her face, but god, was this the most vulnerable I had ever witnessed her.

I just wanted to wrap her up and never let her go, especially with her crying in my arms like this.

All I could feel was this urge to protect her from everything I could.

Especially her evil parents.

They've truly messed her up, and I'll never let it happen again.

I won't let them put her through anything again. 

God, this all makes sense now.

Monroe had a breakdown from me even meeting her parents or being forced to stay at this estate.

After the Talia situation, I see why she didn't want me near them.

She was scared they would take me from her.

God, so much makes sense now.

Monroe even hated the idea of discussing her life in New York.

I'm sure she left after everything happened with Talia, and it was traumatic enough to make her handle arrangements differently.

She even lived her life differently.

I see why she was so closed off.

This all genuinely broke her.

We definitely need to get the fuck out of New York and never come back here.

"Let's leave tomorrow, baby," I suddenly whispered against her neck, gently scratching her bare back.

"We should go to the races for Eliza," Monroe determined, making me smile slightly.

I really liked meeting one of her friends.

"We could have everything packed beforehand and drive to the tarmac after it's concluded," she suggested, earning a soft hum from me.

"Sounds perfect," I murmured, nuzzling in deeper to her neck.

The loud sound of my stomach growling was enough to make me fake a cough, hoping to cover up the embarrassing sound.

But Monroe seemed to hear it against my efforts, given that she pulled away from my chest.

"We never had dinner," she said with furrowed brows, her puffy blue eyes trailing my face, "Jesus, you haven't eaten in hours, Liberty."

I quickly shook my head, "I'm fine, I promise," I tried to assure her, but Monroe had already sat up from the bed.

"We need to get dressed," she determined, quickly slipping out of bed, "We'll go make food."

I smiled as I laid up from the bed, "Or we can go grab something—maybe get out of this evil place."

"Anything you want," Monroe said as she trailed over to the closet, focused on getting dressed.

I slipped out of bed and followed her towards the closet, getting dressed with her so we could take a breath outside the estate.

Monroe pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a quarter-zip while I wore a pair of black leggings and one of her long-sleeve t-shirts.

The hallways were creepily illuminated with no one in sight.

The only sounds were our quick footsteps as Monroe led us toward the garages.

Yes, as in plural.

There were numerous garages lined with shiny, waxed cars, all different luxury brands.

Monroe grabbed the keys to the shiny black Porsche.

It looked cute and fast, which meant we would get our food quicker.

Luckily, it was only a little past one in the morning, and there was a McDonald's still open somewhere nearby.

I swear I was so excited the entire car ride, trying to plan what I wanted to get.

Even if it didn't necessarily matter—Monroe ordered us so many different things, wanting to ensure I ate well.

Her approach actually worked since I wanted to try a bite of everything.

I swear I was in food heaven, and I felt so good now that we had our serious talk.

Monroe felt closer than ever.

We felt closer than ever.

The entire drive, we never let go of each other's hands.

It was a complete contrast to the start of our night—it made me feel grateful to make it to this point with her.

She trusts me.

She... chooses me.

"It's good, right?" I said, dipping another fry into the McFlurry as Monroe chewed the bite I gave her. 

"I think so," Monroe murmured with furrowed brows. 

I laughed softly, analyzing her perfect face, "You think so?" 

"I can't tell if I like it," she clarified better, parting her lips for another bite, "I need to try again." 

I smiled widely as I slipped the ice cream-coated fries into her mouth, my legs draped over her lap. 

"Maybe another bite," Monroe hummed as she chewed more. 

I chuckled softly, "You totally like it, don't you?" I asked. 

Monroe's lips twitched up into a subtle smile, "It's decent," she said in the most nonchalant way, making me laugh again. 

"You're so cute," I murmured, grabbing more of the salty fries in my lap and dipping them in the McFlurry I held. 

"I like it when you feed me," Monroe whispered as she parted her lips, taking the bite of fries I prepared for her. 

"I'll do it every meal if you ask me to," I didn't hesitate to say, my eyes dragging over her perfect bare face. 

I would honestly do anything she asked me to, but I think we both know that. 

After tonight... or this entire trip, I want to do something special for her. 

I want to ask her to be my girlfriend. 

We can be official without this weird, unlabeled thing we have going on. 

I'm not sure what I'll plan yet, but it needs to be thoughtful. 

I also need to tell her about the Sarai thing, but we've definitely had enough seriousness for tonight.

I want to enjoy this moment with her. 

"Let's try this," I said, grabbing the plastic spoon in the McFlurry, coating my lips in the ice cream. 

"Oh god," Monroe murmured when I leaned in for a kiss. 

"Come on, Ro Ro," I said, puckering up my coated lips as I leaned in closer. 

Monroe shook her head as she eyed my lips, "Adorable," she said, making me smile so widely. 

Especially when she pressed her soft lips to mine, running her tongue across my ice cream-coated lips before slipping inside my mouth. 

I hummed softly as I reciprocated the deep kiss, the sweetness of ice cream melting between us. 

I basked in the warmth burning between us, now pressing soft, repetitive kisses to her lips. 

It made Monroe chuckle in the most beautiful way, staying still for me as I kept kissing her over and over again. 

This is truly one of the best nights we've had in New York so far.

Everything is always okay when it's just me and her. 

Once we get back to Seattle, we'll be able to be us again, finally. 

And she'll officially be mine.