Session 𝓢ixty-Six

Session 66:
"The Real Fix"

⨳ ⨳ ⨳

After finishing my second breakfast of the morning with Zion and Sarai, we all headed off to our classes.

Luckily, Zion shared our usual Wednesday class, so it always went by really fast.

Today's lecture was all about notes and reviewing an assignment that I completed weeks ago online.

The perks of being in a hybrid class are that I can finish a lot of it ahead of time.

All I really needed to worry about was exams or any last-minute assigned homework.

"When are you leaving tomorrow?" Zion asked as we walked out of the lecture hall.

I shrugged, "I'm not sure yet," I admitted.

I only recalled Monroe mentioning we were leaving Thursday and staying until Sunday.

I wasn't really keeping up with the times, plane tickets, or even hotel accommodations.

Monroe was handling it all, I think.

"So you're going with mystery girl?" Zion just had to ask, making me smile slightly.

I hummed, spotting Sarai waiting over by the doors that led out of the building.

Perfect timing.

"Sarai!" I immediately called out, smoothly shifting the focus to her.

Sarai smiled immediately, waving at us both as we approached her.

"Hey, babe," Zion said, briefly kissing Sarai's lips as he ran his arm around her waist.

"Hey guys," she happily said, glancing over to me as we walked out of the school building, "How was class?"

"Great, it went by so fast," I murmured as we walked down the sidewalk. "How was yours?"

"Decent. Luckily, my professor cancelled my next class, so I'm free for the day," Sarai said, making Zion purse his lips.

"Damn, maybe I can cancel my study group," he said, reaching in his pocket to grab his phone.

Sarai laughed, "No, babe, go to your study sesh. I'll hang with Libs," she insisted, making me nod in agreement.

I didn't have any plans until the evening with Monroe.

"But then you're going to do fun stuff without me," Zion pointed out as he unlocked his phone.

"Oh, you'll live," I sarcastically said, nudging his arm as we continued down the sidewalk, "Go to your nerdy study group and we'll meet you after."

"I'll bring you food from wherever we go," Sarai offered, earning a dramatic sigh from Zion.

"Fine," he mumbled, leaning down to briefly kiss Sarai's cheek, "I'll catch up later."

"See ya," I said, jokingly waving him off.

Zion only rolled his eyes. "I love you guys," he said as he let go of Sarai's waist, turning down one of the other sidewalks.

"I love you," Sarai told him.

"Love you," I added in a soft murmur as we continued down the sidewalk going the opposite way of Zion's.

"We should totally go to that one deli," Sarai suggested, making my eyes go wide.

"Oh my gosh, I forgot all about that place," I murmured with a growing smile, "We haven't eaten there in almost a year."

"Zi will definitely be happy when I bring him his old sub order," Sarai laughed, making me nod a few times.

"I could devour my usual Cajun chicken sub right now," I said, suddenly envisioning the familiar sub in my head.

It was heavenly.

We constantly ate at that deli at least three times a week.

"Also, I wanted to uh say," Sarai suddenly, making me glance over to her as we continued down the sidewalk, heading away from the university toward the nearby deli. "I'm not trying to rush you to say anything."

My face unconsciously softened, "Sarai," I said, hating how this was eating her up inside, "I know, trust me. I feel bad for making you lie to Zion."

Sarai shook her head. "It's seriously your business to tell. I think Zi will be fine even once he finds out," she said, letting out a deep sigh, "I just don't lie to him about anything ever, so that's why it feels off to me."

I nodded immediately, "Yes, of course. I know it's really hard," I didn't hesitate to agree. "I'm hoping after this weekend, I can tell him."

Sarai nodded, "Yes, and hopefully we can meet her maybe," she said, smiling slightly at me, "Well, informally... since I met her as your therapist first."

I laughed slightly, recalling their brief introduction, or how Sarai complimented Monroe's voice after hearing her speech.

If anyone else would've complimented anything about her, I would've lost my shit, but it's Sarai, so it's totally different.

"I'm not sure what she would be open to yet, but we'll discuss it soon," I decided to say, not wanting to make any promises on Monroe's behalf, "She's very... reserved, but once you break through that barrier, she has the most incredible personality."

Sarai's smile grew, her dark eyes trailing my face, "She sounds really nice, Libs," she said, lightly nudging my arm.

I pursed my lips, not wanting to smile like a literal idiot, "Yeah, she's my favorite," I murmured, but immediately scrunched my nose up, "I sound so corny talking about her, ew."

Sarai laughed, "No, it's really refreshing to hear. It's clear she makes you happy," she said as we turned down a different sidewalk, "Be as corny as you want, honestly. I get the feeling."

A smile immediately grew on my lips, "Really? Because I have so much I want to say," I whispered.

I haven't exactly had anyone to talk to about Monroe, so even discussing her openly with Sarai made everything light up inside of me.

"Lay all the corniness on me," Sarai joked with me as we walked down the street.

"Okay-okay so," I murmured, smiling wider as I thought about Monroe, "She has this thing with being neat and keeping everything organized, and I think it's the cutest thing ever. Sometimes she visibly reacts whenever something is out of place, and the way she stalls or looks over to me makes me smile like an idiot, Sarai."

She smiled slightly at my words, but I wasn't even close to done.

"Or when she's ready for work in the mornings and wakes me in her work clothes with her hair and makeup done," I murmured, envisioning Monroe's beautiful face in my head, "I can't even describe how she looks in words, but sometimes it feels like I'm waking up and I'm in another dream."

"Awwww, Libs," Sarai said, finding my words to be cute.

"Oh my gosh, and she cooks so good, Sarai. I think I manifested a chef into my life—she even had culinary training growing up," I said in disbelief, shaking my head at how lucky I am right now.

"You definitely manifested that," she didn't hesitate to agree, "And you've also been cooking and stuff. She's definitely been rubbing off on you."

I smiled wider, "I know, right? I'm totally getting better in the kitchen," I happily agreed, "I swear she's taught me so much."

I honestly feel like I've learned a lot from Monroe in such a short amount of time.

Even sexually-wise, she's taught me... a lot.

"I'm happy for you, Libs," Sarai said with her usual smile.

I gently grabbed her arm to loop with mine, "Thank you, Sarai," I murmured, smiling even wider as we continued walking to the nearby deli.

It was only a few more blocks away, and luckily, it wasn't too busy.

Lunch hour had sort of passed since it's a little past three, so it was perfect.

Sarai and I took our time eating and conversing since Zion would be in his study group for another hour.

She even ordered Zion a sub right when we were leaving, so it would be fresh for him.

But unfortunately, once we made it back to campus, it was time for me to head back to my place

I wanted to shower and change, and I also planned to pack an overnight bag.

Monroe kept things there for me, but I always feel bad for using them.

Seattle traffic was insane, considering the light rain and rush hour.

I grew so bored in the standstill traffic that I decided to call Monroe, hoping she was between patients.

I listened patiently to the line ring, counting the rings as I eyed the soft patter of raindrops on my windshield.

"Hiii," I spoke as soon as she answered the call, my smile widening as I stared ahead.

"How's my sweet girl?" Monroe's smooth voice echoed so perfectly through my car.

"Amazing," I didn't hesitate to say, "Aside from the traffic I'm sitting in," I casually added.

"You should be focused on the road, darling," Monroe pointed out, making me roll my eyes to myself.

"I can focus and talk to you," I told her, still not moving in the still traffic. "How's work?"

"Tasking. I've been preparing for these two days of absence I'll be taking," Monroe briefly explained, "It doesn't help that it's last minute, but I've managed to rearrange my patient's appointments."

"That's good, right?" I asked.

"Yes, darling. I also handled your therapy situation," Monroe murmured, making my brows furrow. "But I still have some files to go through over the weekend."

"Wait," I said, confused by what she had previously said, "What do you mean about my therapy situation?"

"We've established that you can't go to Dr. Kincaid anymore," she briefly clarified as I focused on the traffic ahead, "I'm also off limits now, so I sent over your referral."

I frowned, "But I don't want a referral," I sighed, hating the idea of trying yet another therapist.

It gets to a point...

"Liberty," Monroe said, her voice growing much more serious with me, "A therapist would be very beneficial for you, especially right now."

I rolled my eyes. "This is because I make myself throw up, isn't it?" I asked, hating that she was making this all deeper than it needed to be.

We found a better solution.

I'm going to stop.

"Made, as in past tense. You don't do it anymore," Monroe corrected my previous words, suddenly letting out a soft sigh, "Let's not discuss this over the phone, darling."

I hummed, but didn't contribute anything else to our conversation.

I just stared forward at the traffic.

I really don't want to do therapy all over again.

Anything but that, please.

I never even wanted therapy in the first place.

"How has your day been, beautiful girl?" she asked me when I remained silent.

"Good," I murmured, pursing my lips together.

"Tell me about your day," Monroe said. 

I let out a deep sigh, hating that her words made everything grow warm inside of me.

It feels like I can never be upset with her.

"Just class, really, and then I got a sub for lunch," I said, subtly skipping the Sarai part.

Mostly because I didn't want to lie to her further, so at least if I avoided the topic, it would make it a little easier.

Monroe's going to remember every single time we've discussed Sarai, and the fact that I never revealed that she knew about us.

I know she'll remember it and bring it up when I tell her.

"Yes, you did lunch with your friend," Monroe said, making me freeze in my seat, glancing at the digital screen displaying the call,  "Sarai," she clarified. 

Internally, I was freaking out a little bit.

Until I remembered that she always has eyes on me.

"There's no point in asking about my day if you're getting reports on it," I pointed out.

"Did lunch not go well with her, darling?" she asked, completely disregarding my previous words.

"It went amazingly. The food was great too," I corrected her assumption with furrowed brows, "Why?"

"You didn't seem open to bringing it up, is all," Monroe murmured, and I knew it was not a good sign that she noticed that.

"Right," I whispered, unsure what to say to that without digging my hole deeper, "You really need to stop watching me like this, Monroe."

"How come?" she asked with genuine curiosity, "You're mine to watch, are you not?" 

I blinked a few times. "Well... yes?" I sighed, unsure how to explain this better to her, "But uh, most people don't watch other people, especially when they're in a... romantic situation together," I awkwardly said, having trouble with my words.

Whether it was describing our current predicament or explaining that normal people don't do this.

But that would mean Monroe isn't normal, and she's perfectly normal to me.

Better than normal, actually.

I don't want to say she's less.

"I'm not most people," Monroe determined, making me purse my lips together, "Having eyes on you makes me feel sane. I always know where you are, what you're doing, and if you're safe, darling."

"I know, baby," I whispered softly, "But I could always text you or share my location again," I offered. 

"No," was all Monroe said.

There was nothing else she contributed.

No explanations or further disagreements.

It was just a no.

"It's very cute that you care this much about me," I suddenly whispered, hoping that I didn't upset her.

I'm not sure how I'll diffuse this conversation if she is.

I suddenly glanced at the road when the car in front of me finally inched up more, making me lightly press the gas to move forward.

"I wasn't trying to upset you, baby," I said softly, letting out a deep sigh, "I know it gives you reassurance to have eyes on me."

Silence.

That's all there was aside from the soft rain against my windshield.

I couldn't see her face, so I wasn't sure if she had mentally checked out of this conversation or if she was still processing.

Probably both. 

"I obsess over you, Liberty," Monroe suddenly admitted, her voice lowered and soft, "If I don't know where you're at or if you're okay, as soon as I think about you, I would lose my sanity."

I remained wordlessly silent from her confession alone, processing her heavy words.

I forget she has... tendencies.

"I get you, Ro Ro," I reminded her, softening my voice, "Watch me all you want if that keeps you sane, baby."

Monroe sighed softly, "It would keep me very sane, darling," she murmured as I inched up further in the traffic.

"Then that's all that matters," I assured her, "I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now."

"My adorable girl," Monroe said so softly, making my face grow warm, "Go to my house instead. I'll open the gate for you."

I blinked a few times, "But I need my overnight bag. I planned to pack one tonight," I explained. 

"That's the last thing you should worry about. I keep everything for you, darling," Monroe reminded me as I inched up more in the traffic.

"I know, but I always feel bad—I have my own stuff," I whispered.

"Yes," she murmured in agreement, "At my house."

I let out a deep sigh, "Monroe."

"Liberty," she mocked with the same tone. "Go to my house, darling."

I remained silent for a moment, not wanting to give in for the point of it.

But I also knew she would make me give in regardless.

"Fine," I suddenly mumbled, inching up more in the traffic.

"You can do better than that, Liberty," Monroe just had to say, making me roll my eyes to myself.

"Okay," I corrected my previous words, feeling my face grow warm, "Mommy."

I heard her hum in approval, "Good girl," she calmly praised, making me grow even warmer. "I'll see you soon. Make yourself at home as usual, darling."

I nodded, "Okay, I will," I murmured before we briefly hung up.

Then I was back to being bored in traffic, which I sat in for another twenty minutes.

After that, I got off at the nearest exit to drive over to Pioneer Square.

I always enjoyed driving through Monroe's neighborhood.

It's so... historic, but in a preserved way.

It feels calmer here.

Upon pulling in front of the gate, Monroe had it opened for me.

She also had the garage door roll open for me, which I walked through before pressing the button to shut it again.

Then I entered her familiar house, glancing around the open kitchen and dining room.

I was always used to being here alone in the morning, but never around this time.

Normally, I would just come over once she's home from work.

This feels a little odd, but kind of nice at the same time.

Monroe trusted me enough to just let me come over whenever, which felt like more progress to me.

I didn't want to mess any of that up, so I made sure to be careful.

I left my shoes by the door and carefully grabbed a glass to fill with water.

I didn't leave anything out of place, and if I moved something, I put it back exactly as it was.

I wasn't really that hungry, so I just drank some water and sat at the kitchen island for a moment.

I felt like a weirdo sitting there, looking around her kitchen.

But I just wanted to bask in this moment.

I didn't even get on my phone.

Well, for a moment.

Then it started buzzing, so I picked it up.

But as soon as I read the caller ID, everything around me faded.

My hands felt tingly, and this massive knot grew in my lower stomach.

It felt like I couldn't breathe.

I just stared at her contact for a moment, letting the call ring.

Until finally—

I pressed my thumb on the cold screen and swiped to answer.

But I couldn't get any words out, even as I pressed the phone to my ear.

I was stuck frozen, waiting for her to speak first.

"Liberty," my mother's familiar voice flowed from my phone speaker to my ear, "What is this referral situation that I'm hearing of?"

Everything sank inside of me, realizing that's the only reason why she's calling.

She thinks there's a problem with my therapy that could possibly mess up her image.

Technically, this could mess up her image, but she doesn't realize what the real situation is.

Either way, this phone call is about her.

Not me.

Never me.

"I didn't click with anyone in the office," I forced myself to say, clenching my jaw as I stared down at my lap, "Just wanted to try other options."

"You're not using your credit card again," she pointed out, "This is clearly your way of acting out. First the credit card and now therapy," she sighed, making my irritation deepen.

I also wanted to cry.

Why does she have to be like this?

What did I do to her to deserve this?

"My life doesn't revolve around you, especially not after you abandoned me at that restaurant," I mumbled, trying to force my voice to be strong and steady.

I hate her so much. 

"Abandoned?" my mother emphasized distastefully, "You're a fully grown adult who caused a scene at a nice restaurant, Liberty. I had no intentions of sitting there while you tried to guilt-trip me over his death."

I forced a bitter laugh, but it came out weak, "You still can't even say his name," I said, shaking my head as annoying tears burned in my eyes, "You act like it's dad's fault that he got cancer and died."

I swallowed harshly, my words echoing in the air around me.

It made my tears grow worse and my throat tighten unbearably.

I don't talk about him aloud very often. 

"This is all you wanted," my mother determined, "You always act out in some kind of way, and guilt-trip me with instances like this. I'm no longer giving in to this narrative you hold over me."

"You realize you're the only one using the term guilt tripping? I mean, if the shoe fits, wear it. You must feel really guilty," I mumbled, letting out a deep breath with hopes of calming myself back down. "And there isn't a narrative. This is all factual, Maris. You left me with nannies growing up, you don't take genuine interest in my life, and you only use me when it benefits your image."

"Liberty Junia—"

"Just call me whenever you need something again," I cut her short before she could finish cursing my full name.

I knew I had struck a nerve by using her first name or calling her out on her bullshit, but I don't care.

I'm so over this.

I'm so over her.

All she cares about is her stupid fucking image.

I should've known she wouldn't actually leave me alone.

She claimed she would at that restaurant, but the moment she thinks her image is at risk, she has to insert herself in my life again.

"I'm done with this disrespect, Liberty," she had the nerve to say, making my grip tighten around my phone, "I fund everything you could possibly want, and you still have the nerve to act spoiled and ungrateful. I'm done with it."

"Then be done and just leave me alone like you said," I rushed out before I could think any of it through, "Leave me alone, please."

I hung up the call before she could say anything else, throwing my phone on the marble counter.

I wanted to scream as loudly as I could until my throat felt sore.

I also wanted to cry.

Maybe feel something other than this.

Anything.

I unconsciously glanced at the fridge, drawing in a series of deep breaths.

But the tears had already escaped my eyes, and my chest feels so fucking tight.

Don't do it.

You said you would stop.

You told her you would stop.

I glanced away from the fridge, squeezing my fists so hard that my nails pinched my skin, and I felt tingling in both my hands.

I slid out of the tall chair without a further thought, leaving my phone on the counter and walking upstairs.

But not to the familiar bedroom with the recurring forest green and gold.

No.

I chose her main bedroom instead.

A place I haven't been in days.

I tugged off the blazer of hers that I wore as I entered the bedroom, messily folding it and setting it at the end of the bed.

Then I pulled the tank top over my head, sniffling as I slid off the jeans I wore as well.

I folded both pieces of clothing, setting them on the bed before sliding off my underwear and the bra I wore.

The cold air nipped at my exposed skin, yet my body burned with this irritation growing into an overwhelming fire inside of me.

And all I could do was cry.

Even as I walked to the end of the bed, lowering down to the cold floor.

I folded my knees beneath me and wrapped my arms around myself, trying to calm my crying down.

But the feeling of my arms wrapped around me made me break down worse—sobs burning in my throat as I squeezed my eyes shut.

I hate her so much.

She always ruins everything for me.

For once, I felt so good.

Just for a second, I didn't feel broken anymore, and now I'm reminded of how truly weak I am.

I feel so pathetic, really.

I just want to eat—I want to throw up over and over again until my lungs burn and I can't breathe.

I want that pain.

I buried my face in my hands, sucking in deep breaths of air as more tears escaped my eyes.

I told Monroe I wouldn't.

I really don't want to let her down.

I never want to let her down.

My soft cries echoed around me as I kept my face buried in my hands.

I felt stupid for kneeling on the floor, entirely naked, waiting for her to fix me.

I didn't move an inch for endless minutes.

I just waited, silently crying with my face buried in my hands.

Eventually, I lifted my head up and stared forward, my tears dried, and nothing left behind.

Not even inside of me.

I just felt... drained, refusing to move.

Even when the echo of the garage opening rattled through the house.

Or her familiar heels clicked against the floors a level beneath me.

I remained sitting on my knees, folded beneath me, staring forward as I waited for her.

The clicking of her heels was gone, which I knew was from her sliding them off.

I knew Monroe was already aware of where I was.

There's no way she doesn't have cameras in this house.

So I sat patiently for her, waiting and listening intently.

Soon, I could hear her soft footsteps down the hallway.

And then—

There she was, emerging into the bedroom.

She wore the same outfit as earlier, a dark blouse and dress pants.

But her usual slippers were on her feet instead of shiny stilettos.

Her silky brown hair was down, framing her face that was twisted with concern and confusion.

Especially as she walked closer, eyeing me on the floor by her bed.

She didn't say anything.

She only bent down to my height, gently grabbing my chin to align my stare with hers.

Everything resurfaced the moment her blue eyes sunk into mine.

The phone call, my spiral that I tried to fight, or sitting in silence for minutes on end. 

It all flashed in my head all over again. 

Monroe let go of my chin to gently cup my cheek, her eyes trailing my face in observation.

Her thumb softly caressed my cheek, sending waves of relief through my body.

I could feel myself physically relax under her touch, finally feeling somewhat grounded again.

"What do you need from me, Liberty?" Monroe suddenly asked me, breaking the heavy silence between us.

I stared silently at her for a moment, processing her words that felt so unbelievably reassuring to hear.

Seconds passed, but Monroe was patient with me.

She waited for me to answer her question. 

"I... didn't make myself throw up," was all I managed to say, my voice lowered and weak between us.

"I'm proud of you, darling," Monroe said, trailing her hand down to my neck that she openly eyed.

Specifically, all the hickey's staining my tanned skin.

I let out a deep sigh, soaking in her genuine words.

It felt so nice to hear them.

"This is progress, Liberty," Monroe whispered, reaching her other hand up to gently tuck some of my curls away from my face.

I nodded, knowing this was good.

I didn't do it.

I didn't binge eat or throw up.

I fought it for once.

"Can you help me?" I suddenly whispered.

Monroe traced her fingers along my bare collarbone, "Always," she didn't hesitate to say, "I get you, darling."

Her words made everything crumble inside of me, nodding rapidly as I reached for her hand at my collarbone, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

"You get me," I whispered back, leaning even closer to her.

Monroe nodded, her darkened blue eyes burning into mine, "Mommy's going to take care of you now," she whispered so softly.

Then she leaned down closer and softly kissed my forehead.

My shoulders sank, everything relaxing inside of me at the idea of some kind of release.

A real feeling that will subdue this heaviness.

I leaned down past her face before she could say anything else—

And pressed my lips to one of her slippers, briefly kissing her shoe. 

"Thank you," I whispered before pulling away, leaning up to meet her stare again.

Monroe gently cupped my cheek again, "Thank you for allowing me to, darling," she emphasized, staring so deeply into my eyes.

My face grew warm from her words, feeling so happy that I did the right thing.

I made progress.

This, right here, is the real fix.

The kind where Monroe breaks me and puts me back together again.

Only better than before.

This is what I needed all along.