Checking In 0.18.2, Round 3

Hey y'all, sorry for the lateness of another check-in, so this one will be a bit longer than normal.

Hormones kicked my ass from like, the 5th to the 13th. I ran out of Aleve (naproxen sodium) and got crippled from back pain and arm pain and I was a lot less productive in that period than I am used to.

I've still got some back pain and hot flashes (I don't know why my cycle is being this fucky this time), but I managed to put in a solid 7.5 hours today with only 30 minutes of a break for lunch and basic chores like cleaning my cats' litter box, unclogging two drains with drain cleaner (they were already kind of shit when I moved i n but shaving and showing seems to have made slow-draining water standing water), and dishes.

But I'm not going to lie, the loneliness and isolation of living on my own has started to get to me. In a time when I really needed people to talk to, more drama with yet more people who I thought were my friends only for them to closely mirror the actions of previous moderators and people who couldn't accept that I wasn't trans like they were ended up shrinking my friend group as they joined a side server I got blamed for being unable to stay in due to PTSD about this specific thing that triggered a panic attack and this utter feeling of dread.

This really got to me more than I would like to admit with new cuts being layered over old scars. I've had more than one night where I couldn't sleep because I was crying because I was so sad, frustrated, and upset that there's a developing pattern where I can't make close friendships with trans women without everything going to shit and being thrown under a bus. I know I'm a bit of a stubborn jackass, that I can be weirdly aloof, and that for all my skills in writing I sometimes drop the ball in big ways when talking to people because I have to think on the spot instead of having time to be eloquent, but despite close friends who stuck around telling me I wasn't to blame, I've been a common variable.

Yet despite my worries and how this is eating away at me to the point that I've just hung out in an empty voice chat for a whole day doing nothing but playing Civilizations V (which I got back into since it's turn-based and I can play with a fucked arm) and desperately hoping someone would join so I could have someone to talk to, I figured out while talking to my best friend about this that my "red flag" detector is kind of just... not developed, which makes sense given who I was raised by and me normalizing their toxic behavior (and that's yet another "Zach and CaptainCaption" overlap for the board...)

Either way, the fact of the matter is that I am less productive than I not only expected to be but need to be because of loneliness and depression, but unlike much of 2023, I'm trying to get professional help and actually talk to my psychiatrist beyond asking for Adderall XR refills (my shitty insurance won't let me fill 90-day supplies so I have to do 30-day ones every month), because the way days are blending together and how it's getting harder to get out of bed isn't sustainable nor a good sign, and as cute as they are, my cats are not enough.

Since Prozac now does nothing for me and I've since realized that Effexor might be to blame for my extreme exhaustion for all of middle school, high school, and college (I got knocked on the floor and fell asleep while talking to someone in the early afternoon when I started it up again), I've gotten on the antidepressant Wellbutrin, but I'm only 5 days into taking it and it'll be about 2 weeks before I can tell what it does, but it's at least not been negative so far (but me having energy to excitedly yap about stuff again is a good sign).

I've also gotten on another antidepressant called Trazodone to help me sleep (and not be a sleeping med that almost kills me). I'm probably going to develop a dependency on it and time will tell if this is going to mess with my CBS or future medication, but with how hard it's been for me to sleep and how little even more extreme solutions like dropping a few thousand dollars on a Tempur-Pedic mattress have helped (it at least fixed my back pain and shoulder pain from sleeping), I need it.

Honestly, my apartment is kind of... not the best. The location in Atlanta is great, there's a lot of diverse and good food around, and it's so convenient being 0.6 miles from a grocery story, but the walls are thin, my neighbors are noisy, and half of them are escorts or prostitutes. I didn't vet this place enough before signing my lease, and I've been rewarded by running away to some of the things I was trying to escape: extremely loud music and hearing people have sex.

One weekend a few weeks ago, my neighbor played music so loudly that it shook my headboard of my bead and I felt in physical pain in my ears and jaw; it went on from 8 PM to 12:30 AM, and I was utterly shocked that the people in that unit were able to talk to each other over that music. I filed a noise complaint through the official channels of the apartment and it seems to have stopped in the evening (I still get woken up at 7:30 AM by it), but when I can hear people from the other ends of the building, there's only so much I can do when I can't plug my ears at night due to sinus pressure issues that cause extreme pain if I try for more than 45 minutes.

At least my headphones (beyerdynamic DT 880s) finally truly falling apart on me after 8 years of various repairs to the clamps and wires meant I had an excuse to buy closed-ear headphones (beyerdynamic DT 770s) instead of replacing these semi-open ones (and being lame and replacing it with the same thing like I did with my totaled car, replacing a dark blue 2014 Honda Accord Sport with a dark blue 2021 Honda Accord Sport), so that should hopefully limit the noise to the point that I won't hear quite as much from my neighbor below me who is watching something loud enough to make the floor shake.

I guess that's my queue to get to the mail lockers and check if my package is there, huh?

Okay, the headphones seem to be good. I'm not a huge fan of how the cups echo around my ears, of how it makes it hard to monitor my cats, or how deafens my keyboard because I put a ton of work into making it sound pleasant to my ears, but I guess this is better than the alternative.

It's really just all been about compromises in my life. I needed to get the fuck out of that abusive home, so I compromised and moved to the first semi-acceptable place I could afford that would accept me. And now I'm paying for it with lousy neighbors, a sheet rock extension for the loft that I can just tell isn't at a right angle from a mere glance, a kitchenette that is too cramped, mail that gets stolen (and that I only have three days to pick up once delivered before it gets chucked by the staff), and an apartment that's falling apart.

My bathroom ceiling cracked when I was showering during a rainstorm and it took maintenance half a week to get to it, and they only fixed the ceiling and not the underlying issue with either a roof leak or a pipe leak. I was afraid to shower for a whole week in case the ceiling broke again, but the dysphoria from not shaving got bad enough that I had to. Thankfully, nothing happened, but when I found out one of my cats has been rolling in the paint dust that got left everywhere and then licking himself, I had to spend over two hours deep-cleaning the bathroom to make sure he wasn't getting poisoned.

Also, the toilet in that picture keeps running, even when the valve is shut off. I had to use paracord to hold the stopper up using the weight of the lid and then I have to let it down to fill the tank every time I need to flush.

I'm getting into cooking (or "back into," depending on whether or not you consider that dream canon to my memories), and I'm not a complete disaster with it, so that's a rare CaptainCaption W.

I'll get pics of this place for a Friday Update about my workflow some day, but it's not fully set up yet and I need to keep working on that update instead of yapping and feng shui.

Speaking of which... despite the slower progress of the last two weeks, I have still made progress on the update. It's maybe not the "light" update I thought it'd be as I have to account for 4 potential major route differences, but I'm liking the writing.

As an example of those variants, Samantha attempts to have a bit of accountability about whooping Z's ass during the pipe bomb incident when they were 7.

With fully_hatched (yes the variable used to be called "fully_cracked" but I am done contributing to that rhetoric), Zoey is fully blunt with her mom that she can't forgive that, but she does understand that she can't just ignore the problem.

And she tries to keep a dialogue of communication open.

With partially_hatched, Z (I know it says Zoey but it's still at least an nb Zach) calls out their mom for being manipulative with this apology.

 And that dialogue doesn't happen.

With partially_repressed, Zach is a lot blunter with calling out his mom.

Which causes Samantha to put her walls up.

But Zach isn't having any of it.

And finally, with fully_repressed, the gloves are off.

And Zach just totally loses his cool.

(Zach's hair is supposed to be short here but I forgot to do that since I only lazily swapped variables for the screenshots.)

I'll let the code speak for itself.

zmom "So, just how different is it?"

if z_reaction_to_mom_secret == "fully_hatched":

    z "It's so much better than the old one!"

    z "Way less constricting, I feel like I can breathe in fully without wincing, and there's plenty of support."

elif z_reaction_to_mom_secret == "partially_hatched":

    z "I mean, I guess it's more comfortable?"

    z "I'm still not happy about it though."

elif z_reaction_to_mom_secret == "partially_repressed":

    z "It's better than the one you shoved me in, that's for sure."

    z "I still don't like that I'm wearing this, though."

else:

    z "{b}It's fine, thank you.{/b}"

    z "Actually, it's {i}not{/i} fine, but I can tolerate its necessity because I must."

zmom "I meant your body, not the bra, but I suppose you answered that question too."

And then I'll let me speak for myself.

Wow, Author's Notes that aren't just me yapping but actually about development! Wild!

Don't worry; that's there too, as I was talking about the research on Portland, OR that I do for this visual novel and how it's funny my sister went on her honeymoon to the other Portland.

Then it's off to the races/yap city.

Seriously though, it's a racist as fuck Ku Klux Klan religious site. This rant goes into detail about its deep roots to the Klan, like how the property, original carver, and person who pushed for the idea initially were all active Klansmen.

I think I make a good point here?

And this wraps into how Confederacy worship just replaced the Klan over time as the latter became a less socially acceptable outlet for overt racism.

I don't know... this rant is more relevant to how Zach and Keisuke exercise on an exposed rock with Rocky Butte, so it shows up there too.

Speaking of those two... I am 100% without question resuming their writing the second this update drops (ETA probably 2 weeks). The swimming pool sex HCGs need polish on my end, but we're also replacing the Keisuke Day 2 mall CGs with stuff that's actually commissioned.

Source: Libido Soft's Zannen na Ane to no Love Comedy

Once again, TiltSHIFT takes the lead or... y'know what? Y'all know what I mean. Credits to him, and ETA on this being done in like, maybe 3 days?

The sex scenes after are arguably some of the most important in the VN, as they are the point of no return with Zach giving his (her? since there's a female body?) virginity to Keisuke. That's a huge moment for this bisexual genderfucked idiot who hasn't realized either part yet, and it deserves the TLC I gave that Britney Day 3 yuri topping scene.

Before I go... I have made a discovery for headcanon (fuck you I'm the author so it's just "canon") as it relates to their future kids.

I've mentioned how Veldora Tempest is just their chuuni son (with superpowers)...

But I've found their chuuni daughter.

Waitwaitwait, hear me out! I have good reasons why Grace Howard from Zenless Zone Zero is just Zoey and Keisuke's daughter:

• Black hair, red eyes (but not as red as Zoey's).

• Ponytail and sidelocks, but shorter than Zoey's.

• Uses weird eye protection and wears them as part of a style.

• Wears a sports bra with a front zipper.

• Still has large boobs, but they're not massive.

• More fit than Zoey (Keisuke being a dad would lead to that), is conventionally attractive by almost every measure.

• Complains about heat/has issues with temperature (Zach melts in hot weather, Zoey is not as good with cold weather as she used to be and has a hard time adjusting).

• Has "Frosty Cold Iron Witch" as part of her mythos, a title given to her by a simp.

• An absolute tomboy yet still motherly and overtly feminine.

• An utter dork.

• A very talented engineer who hurts herself from overwork.

• Obsessive, narrow-minded personality.

• Personifies inanimate objects and talks to them.

• Makes her own devices, which are her most cherished possessions.

• Takes apart things owned by other people as a base instinct and gets in trouble for it.

• Clearly has a older dead male relative she idolizes.

• Works at a construction company, likely has a union membership.

• Attacks with construction equipment (I always pictured yandere Zoey using an industrial blowtorch or other tools instead of a cliché knife).

• Is primarily evasive and good at debuffs rather than being a full-fledged attacker (aka, how Zoey dealt with bullies and what the ice queen voice does).

• Builds pipe bombs, gets in trouble for violating explosives safety rules she wrote.

• Throws pipe bombs (there's no way that all of Zoey and Keisuke's kids won't wind up being competent baseball/softball throwers).

Also the game ain't bad, even if the combat is a bit shallow and yeah it's a fucking gacha and those are kind of just evil. Still, it actually got me to laugh really, really hard with a few lines from Grace and the funny construction workers, which proves that Mihoyo can have good writers... but not on Genshin Impact.

Well, until next time, folks!