Why Don’t You Marry Yourself?

While I was at my "rock bottom" I was with someone. At the time he didn't get it, and maybe I didn't either but I was specifically looking for safety and protection. Those are the two things that to this day keep coming up in my therapy sessions as the things I chase.

The things I've never had.

I grew up with an alcoholic father who, while I wasn't diagnosed - I feel knew that I was "off". Or, maybe he just thought he was getting everything he wanted or doing everything right by getting married and standing by my mom when she had me. Either way, I simply wasn't his "cup of tea" and from a very young age I knew that I was "unwanted".

I questioned that my entire life - why they had me. I knew I was a surprise pregnancy but something in me always thought, I should have been an abortion. Until, last year when my mom told me the story about how I was meant to be an abortion. She was young, her and my dad weren't married and at the time she got pregnant had no plans to marry. Her parents were worried for her, unsure of my dad and just didn't want her to have that much uncertainty starting off her life as an adult. So, an appointment was made. It wasn't until the day of that my mom decided differently and chose not to show up for the abortion.

And then, she ended up marrying my dad because it was the "right thing". They moved in together and had me....but that just made everything harder. Thus, no safety, no protection....there was love but moreso from my grandparents who I spent a lot of time with since my dad abruptly quit this job sending my mom back to hers quickly after she had me.

Fast forward to this past year - I've been diagnosed with Autism level one but moves to level 2 when under stress. ADHD, PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. My whole life turned upside down when at a very stressful job I lost alot of my cognitive functioning making me unfit to work. My body just gave up. It reached a level on constant stress so high that it chose to shut down.

Since then it's been a ton of therapy, group therapy, yoga retreats, wellness retreats and currently TMS treatments. During this period....again all I wanted was a safe place, protection and the freedom to be who I am. The person that exists under all my masks, my true self.

And so I brought up the potential of possibly getting married. To which, he rolled his eyes and said "Why don't you just marry yourself?"

We broke up not too long after that. There were many reasons, that comment not specifically one of them but it definitely bruised my heart. Though, he has said from the beginning that marriage was not for him due to his parents messy divorce and current state.

I knew that going in. Only, it wasn't really about the "wedding", the papers, it's not about mixing finances....it was about someone choosing me for once. I've been engaged multiple times but even in the end, no one has chosen me. No one has really stuck around in a close way. And at my worst, I did want that. I wanted to know that he wouldn't leave or brush me aside. I wanted to know that after all I've done for him, for us (our relationship very much worked because of all I gave to it), when I was down......I just wanted him there to give me safety and protection so I had the freedom to let go. The freedom to not need to be in charge of everything, to explore, to be messy, to be raw, to find myself and live as myself - my true self.

That's what birthed the "Why don't you just marry yourself?" photo project.

Theme: Self-commitment, healing, and autonomy
Concept: Self-portrait series in wedding dresses across seasons, paired with vows to self

I've shot 3 of these, wrote 3 sets of vows through my healing journey. I have 3 or 4 more to go and I have plans to take one set every single month until October. I invite you along on this project. I'll be sharing the portraits with the vows one by one and will add the artist statement to the dashboard.

I hope you're all well and enjoying the nice(r) weather.

(The photo above is an outtake of a set that I did this month.)