My biggest secret since 2020

I couldn’t start talking about this for a very long time, and even now it’s still difficult for me, but as I made the decision to share my story, here it goes.

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In the fall of 2019, I rented an apartment in Berlin where the mirror was opposite the window, and when I looked at myself in the mirror, the sunlight was shining through my hair. And unexpectedly for myself, I realized... that much more sunlight was passing through my hair than before. That’s how I found out I was starting to lose my hair.

At the beginning of 2020, specialists gave me a bunch of cosmetic products, I learned what scalp peeling and rub-ins that stimulate hair growth were. However, there was no result; the hair continued to fall out.

I cut my hair shorter, and no one noticed my hair thinning. I started looking for a clinic where I could get a more serious treatment prescribed. By summer 2021, I had spent an insane amount of money on tests, supplements, and procedures. I memorized my entire medical history. I was given painful injections into my skull every month. Only to find out by autumn that none of it helped, and my results had even gotten a bit worse.

At the same time, overall, my tests showed I was perfectly healthy, and the hair loss was simply because it was time. It wasn’t the fault of the photo shoots, or some hidden illness, stress, or vitamin deficiency.

It turned out the clinic I was going to was a scam and a money trap. By early 2022, I accepted my fate and started cutting my hair shorter every year.

All this time, I continued working actively as a model, so I bought red wigs, fake hair pieces, foam shapes to create the illusion of volume. I did gentle teasing. I colored my scalp, which was becoming more and more visible in the parts, with eye shadow.

I was afraid of hairdressers, who were sometimes hired for photo shoots, and always offered to do my hairstyles myself because every hairdresser inevitably said something obvious about the amount of my hair.

I edited my photos in Photoshop, visually increasing hair volume and covering the parts.

I felt uncomfortable when I had to pose with lighting from behind because it was unbearably obvious how thin my hair was. I felt uncomfortable when I had to pose in the wind and it revealed my bald spots.

Yet, at a regular person’s level, my hair looked “tolerable.” I just remembered that once I had three times more hair, each strand thicker and holding a style perfectly. Comparing myself to my past self caused a lot of negative emotions.

And then a miracle happened. I came for a check-up with a new dermatologist at a private clinic to check my moles, because the dermatologist was included in the paid services package. And we accidentally started talking about hair. The doctor looked at my test results from 2-3 years ago and said that the information that I was forbidden mesotherapy was incorrect. Meaning, the previous clinic prescribed me all useless procedures but talked me out of the one that could actually help.

We are approaching the happy ending of my story. I hope it will be the happy ending :)

In September 2024, I had the first procedure done, and already in October noticed new hair growing back. For the first time since 2020! Hope returned to me that I could once again grow my hair just below my shoulders and not worry about sunlight shining through them. And even though my hair are still very thin, the fact that thinning has stopped makes me very happy and confident.

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I decided to share this story now because no one is perfect — especially in modeling. No one walks into this industry with flawless features, and even those who seem to do, it takes an enormous amount of work and care to maintain that image. Often, the reality behind the scenes is hidden because people want to preserve the “magic” of natural beauty.

But real beauty isn’t just about perfect hair, skin, or appearances. It’s about being honest with yourself and others, about embracing vulnerability, and about finding strength even when things feel out of your control.

I want to say thank you to everyone who supports me genuinely. I deeply appreciate every comment and story shared. But please, don’t try to convince me that I never went bald or that my hair was always perfect — I’ve heard that a lot, and it doesn’t help. What truly helps is kindness, understanding, and sharing experiences that remind us none of us are alone in our struggles.

Hair loss taught me many things — patience, resilience, and most importantly, self-acceptance. Yet I’m hopeful about regrowing my hair and reclaiming part of what I lost

Wish me luck :)

Photo by Ewa Cwikla (and yes, it was a wig)