What was happening in my soul that year

ph https://www.instagram.com/i.kedzierska_photography

One of the most important things in creative work is that spark of energy, that inspiration and motivation you can see in someone’s eyes. When I started modeling, I was full of it. I didn’t need to sleep, I was ready to model anytime someone wanted me to. I had so many ideas, and I trusted every photographer who said they could bring them to life. I knew what my goals and ambitions were, and I was getting enough compensation for my work—both in money and social media exposure.

The downside back then was my insecurity. I didn’t have anyone to convince me I was good enough at what I was doing, even though my instagram account was full of likes and comments.

Years went by, and I’ve learned to recognize my value. My insecurities don’t torture me as much anymore. But after a few years, that energy, motivation, and inspiration started to fade. I figured it was normal, especially since so many of my colleagues in the industry felt the same way.

The last couple of years have been especially tough for art models. Instagram’s been cracking down on nude art posts but doesn’t seem to mind sexually suggestive ones. A lot of models, including me, lost their accounts, along with their client base and years of memories.

Then there was COVID, which made traveling and mental stability harder. And now, with the war in Ukraine and inflation, travel costs have skyrocketed, but we can’t raise our model rates enough to keep up. Plus, everyone’s talking about “the problem with Ukrainian models.” I’ve always supported them, but I understand how it affects the whole industry.

(If you’re not sure what I mean, I can explain more in a separate post.)

Last year, I seriously considered changing careers—or, to be honest, I just sat staring at my laptop, feeling lost and not doing much of anything to change my situation.

I started therapy around that time as a way to deal with my "30-year-old crisis" (which is definitely worth its own post, lol).

I went into therapy expecting it to help me find the courage to leave full-time modeling and move into something else, maybe keep modeling on the side. I also wanted to come to terms with changes in my appearance—losing hair and gaining kilograms over the years.

Now, a few months later, the results aren’t what I expected.

Instead of finding the courage to leave, I found a new reason to stay. :) A big part of that came from applying for a U.S. talent visa, which made me look back at all my achievements. It helped me realize that my work really does have value, even if the day-to-day shoots don’t always feel that exciting.

Another thing that helped was slowing down this summer. Thanks to some really generous supporters, I had my basic living costs covered, so I didn’t have to take every bad job just to make ends meet.

And while brainstorming, planning, and talking to so many creative people, I realized there’s still a lot I want to do in the visual arts—like writing books, exhibiting my work, exploring new modeling genres, acting, teaching, giving lectures, and more.

Now, I feel more motivated than ever to achieve as much as I can, before my visa expires or before I decide to settle down and start a family.

I’ve also learned to really appreciate how unique and fulfilling my lifestyle is. Even though it comes with challenges and risks, I know a lot of people would love to be in my shoes.

And the biggest surprise? I’ve started to like how I look now, even though my therapist and I barely talked about it after the first session. I still don’t know why, but I’ll let you know if I figure it out. :)

So I’m really happy that I didn’t have to finish that post I’d been drafting since winter called “Burned Out as a Model,” and instead, I can focus on writing something like, “Getting My Driver’s License, Because It Looks Like I’ll Be Driving to Castings and Gigs a Lot.” :)