Gathering QUESTIONS for If the Emperor had a Podcast EP2!

My emperor, I am a Basilisk operator in the Imperial Guard currently stationed on the Hive World of Ashek 2 in Segementum Pacificus. My post is rather uneventful (not that I'm complaining) given that the only real action this world sees is the occasional out of the loop chaos cult gurgling up from the under hives being put down almost as quickly as they come up, as their insane delusions keep them from seeing how abhorrently out matched they are, thinking their vile gods will somehow give a few dozen emaciated cultists at a time the strength to take down millions of stationed troops. It makes for good target practice anyway. But this is all besides the point. I've listened to your last three vox cast publicaes, and heard some rumours come out of the Imperial palace from some time before. Over a year before actually, but they've since resurfaced now that you're able to speak to the Imperium again. Namely, your proposed tolerance for certain Xenos races. A question you answered some time ago (allegedly, please forgive me if I'm wrong.) was regarding why you hate Xenos races so much. And your reason wasn't that you hated them because they were different from humanity, but because minor alien empires weren't worth negotiating with during the Great Crusade. And all the major Xeno powers just happened to be vile with goals detrimental to Mankind's quest for a galaxy free of war, poverty and elitism. The one possible exception you considered making was for the Tau, who share our goal of a prosperous future (even if they are a bunch of cunt face ninnies who hug cover like an overgrown manchild hugs a body pillow). But what about allying with a race that wasn't so obscure and cowardly? Namely, the Orks.... I know the very thought must be infuriating my glorious overlord, but please read on and humour me for but a moment. The Orks are hardly a unified race, so it would be easy to pick out any desierables among them. The ones I'm thinking of are of the Blood Axe tribe. The Blood Axes are one of the six major Ork tribes that infests the galaxy, but are MUCH different than the rest. They learned from us. Being the first of the Orks to come into real contact with humanity, they've incorperated many human and "un orky" methods in their life. They negotiate rather than bellow, they trade rather than plunder, and they think ahead rather than screaming headlong into the fray. They've also incorporated stealth, sabagote and even tactical retreat into their methods. They've even fought for the Imperium on numerous occasions as mercenaries. They do this mainly out of self interest, primarily so they have the option of trading with rogue traders and daring imperial governors to liquidating their otherwise worthless loot into deadly imperial wargear to unleash on their foes. But to me, that doesn't change the fact that they're a tremendous asset (as long as they have something to fight.) Many far flunged and out of touch system already deal with these Orks in such a way, but would it not be beneficial to have these orks fighting the for Imperium on a more official and wide scale level? Not just for a supply of meaty cannon fodder, but a capable of source of support troops to go along with our elite infilitrators and commandos. Obviously they won't match up to the ranks of the Officio Assinarum, but having a dozen troops capable of following one on his missions is much easier when they literally grow out of mushroom patches instead of having to be born, raised and trained from one of our Hive worlds. I'm eager to know what you think. Kindest Regards, Jonathen Tores.

Sounds like the rogue air conditioner repair man from "Brazil"

Paul Calhoun

Dear Emperor of Mankind, I am but a humble handyman on the hive world of Nova Penocia, and I have a very troubling predicament. Recently, my hive city was rocked by numerous riots carried out in your decree of Taco Friday, against the forces of Lord Adorable. I’ve been very busy repairing numerous hab-blocks within the lower sections of the hive, when a few days ago I had a most peculiar incident. My team and I were called into a particular hab-block to fix up a poor old man’s, who supported Lord Adorable’s Taco Tuesday claim, and had his apartment in it smashed including the destruction of his walls. However, when I arrived at the apartment, I found all the walls fixed, and a strange yellow ghost man who resembles your son Rogal Dorn, standing in the apartment. He did not say anything but simply vanished after seeing me. Now, I’ve heard that all hab-blocks have mysteriously repaired, and fortified with extra walls about the place. As a result, me and all the other handymen of my world have been out of a job ever since, and have been struggling to make ends meet. In addition, we all wondered who this mysterious figure was. That was until we heard your podcast publicae, “The Last Church” when Lord Adorable, mentioned wanting to have Sanguinor-like manifestation, “The Adorbidor”. My question to you my Emperor, is what should we do about this “Adorbidor” who keeps running us out of a job. Sincerly, Zakarias Waterhouse

This probably isn't as well written so you may want to do some editing but I hope you enjoy it:

My Lord Emperor, could you kindly bring back Kitten? I think Adorable misses him.

My Glorious Manperor, my co-worker and I have heard that when your sons were young, you and Magnus held conversations telepathically. If you wish to divulge, what were they about?

My lord emperor,many thanks for your return. Here is my question. As a blood angel,and former member of the deathwatch, I was once assigned to a mission that paired us up with a chapter of silver armored space marines. During our joint mission I asked them of which legion they originated from,they repsonded only that their chapter arose from the emperors gift. I am hopeful that you can shed some clarity on this matter.

Elliot Luke Grace Wilson

Dear Mr Manperor of Mankind, If your goal was to ultimately turn mankind into a race of godlike psychic beings like yourself, then why would you bother with the long and arduous task of reuniting, reeducating and finally evolving humanity? I only ask this because you have been able to create higher forms of humans such as your sons from the very beginning. Wouldn't it just have been simple to just make millions of them of them and let all the regular humans you came across die out? Yours humbly, Cook VII of the Necromunda Citizen Recycling Plant

Dear Manly Manperor, my name is Gideon Quill from the world of Arcadia. I hope you had a good thanksgiving on the Golden Throne with Rogal and your custodians. Pleasantries aside, there is something that has been plaguing my home planet. We have not been able to discern which is the superior dessert. Your guidance is needed in determining if cake or pie is preferred. Brother and sister has flight each other as we descend into fighting that is worse than when our civil war over which day the taco should be consumed on. Please guide us through this horrible time before our planet drowns in blood from the stub guns and lasguns we have unleashed on each other. -yours, Gideon

RocknRolla

Oh Glorious Savior of Mankind, The question I would ask is a humble one, but it is of most importance to my humble self. Why did you hide the truth about Choas from the Imperium at large, but more specifically your Sons? Would it not have made sense to instead give them (and the rest of us) a full breakdown on why Choas is so bad and horrifying? After all, most of your normal humble servants cannot even peer into the Warp on their own (outside of dreams, of course), and the few who can are usually so unprepared for it that their minds shatter and collapse just trying to understand the very nature of this outer realm. Your sons -by and large- may have fared better, but only because they were imperfect clones of yourself; even then, so many fell to the dark temptations of the vile Choas gods because they were unprepared to deal with those vile, twisted reflections of the human psyche at its worst. Loyally Yours, Tyler Tourk (last name pronounced "turk" for whoever reads this to his Imperial Glorious-ness)

yes

GUYFUN

Penned by Servator 3467. [10:15:23] Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Sexy, [10:15:45] I am Sister Carletta of the Sacred Rose. And a member of one of the few orders of Sisters of Battle that hasn't died of liver poisioning! [10:20:22] What was I saying... Oh yeah! We got those calenders! Let me tell you my hand has cramped- [10:21:45] Sister Carletta what are you doing!? [10:22:30] Fuck off I'm writing a letter! [10:23:05] No! [10:35:16] Okay that's taken care of... ah crap it's still recording... might as well. [10:36:45] Oh Glorious Man Emperor I am Sister Bethaney and I humbly ask you something that has troubled me for some time. We are to keep you in our thoughts at all times and crave you as only a woman may crave a man. But, what I ask is if it is wrong for us to crave someone such as your glorious Son's. For they are well your sons and while not you they are still your magnificent creations. Other sisters have asked if desiring ones such as your Custodies is wrong, while I am unsure if they are like those mutant grandsons of yours... I know of sisters who still wonder at the possibilities of how far from the tree they may go. [10:40:45] Should such craving be acceptable... may I humbly ask... for more calenders? Perhaps swimsuit editions? The astropath that links to terra would like Magnus but that seems a bit heretical, if so I will happily execute them! But this does not mean our thoughts will stray from you glorious Man Emperor! But we wish for more calenders. [10:43:54] With faithful love and service, The Sisters of the Sacred Rose. [10:53:23] Crap this servator is busted again it wont stop writing down what I say.... I just kick it right? End of recording.

Most Beloved Man Emperor of Mankind: With you being the most knowledgeable being in the universe and also the most loving of fathers, could you answer but a simple question regarding your most esteemed son The Lion? Was it his fault that his Legion, the Dark Angels; and more so his Brother in Arms and surrogate father Luther betrayed his ass? I mean, sure Luther felt jealous and ALMOST IGNORED an assassination attempt, BUT in the end he reflected and saved him even confessing to Jonhsnon. And what did he did in return? Banish him AND a bunch of innocent unknowing Dark Angels to the Astartes equivalent of a Desk Job. Forever your loyal subject FuckTheLion the XIII

Abel Soto

Dear Emperor of Mankind, My lord, we know that you like Taco, but can you tell me what do you think about Jellies? For me, these jelly bears are one of the greatest things in the whole universe (you are in the first place of course my lord). Could we put them as normal supply for the Imperial Guard? I’m sure they would give a nice morale boost for our soldiers on the frontlines; I know they woud for me. Your humble servant, Captain Stukov, 48th Void Crows. PS. Why that Adeptus Custodes hates the “boy” so much? He only helps spread words of our glorious Emperor across the galaxy. Me and my squadmates belive in you boy, you can do this. Don’t worry about that Custodes, he is just huge asshole.

Captain Stukov

We love you papa alfa

GUYFUN

Dear Emperor, Isha's cute. You gonna hit that?

HalfTangible

Anathema- I mean, My Emasculate Emperor, I've been curious ever since you brought the question up during your second Q&A session with Magnus and the Silver Dollar that ain't worth a cent: What kind of brain cancer DO you prefer? Sincerely, Definitely not Tzeentch

HalfTangible

Emperor of Terra, Our Lord and Master of Mankind. I must know, if the Templars of Black are so aggressive... are the Templars of White calm and gentle? My fellow Kataphraktoi are very eager to play some blood games with them. -Yours truly, Prefect Valerius Maximianus, Agamatus of the Ten Thousand.

PapaKPsBodyPillow

Dear almighty Sigmar. I am aware of the dangers of writing this question to you as the witch hunter have been sniffing around the dirty shithole hamlet i call home. but i must know...... are the "Skaven" real? -yours unworthly, Rieger stumpfkopf

Jimbob

Father. I still fucking hate you. And tell that Mundane Mahoosive Mustard Mammaried Motherfucking Miscarriage I am coming by to take his other fist. -#4

Codeine Radick

OI, YA GITZ! IZ WUZ WUNDERIN… WOTS DA SNEEKYEST BOY U'VE GOT? IZ PRETTY SNEEKY MESELF, AN I WANTED TA SEE IFFN I COULD TRY TA LIL DED ARD SNEEK KONTEST. IZ IS REAL SUBTLE AND FINK I WOULD WIN KUZ U'Z IS ALL A BUNCH OV GROTS. OINKBANE DA SUBTLE

Oinkbane da Subtle

Dear Corpse-Emperor: Just wanted to let you know that unlike the living ash trays, we plague marines have no intention of letting you take our preciously putrescent primarch, Lord Mortarion. He's ours, and you're just jealous that you can't put up with your insufferable existence the way he does. Get your own Warp-induced pseudo-immunity to death and decay. Much love and mucus, Captain HURGLK *splattered in vomit and pus* the Fecund PS: Here's some more Phantom Itching courtesy of Papa N (we're not-dying to see if it works on your Mechanicus guys, what with their entire bodies being basically prosthetic). You're welcome. PPS: Uriah's cooler.

Adrius Frostglare

Oh Emperor of Mankind: I write this from the front lines of the Iliad Sector, where war has waged since the days of the Great Crusade. Back then, your son Sanguinus complemented the beauty of one of three local planetary rulers. Since then, the sector has never known peace. As a humble soldier, I ask this question: which one of the rulers did Sanguinus complement, thereby apparently making her, to borrow a colloquialism from the sector, his "waifu"? Sincerely: Guardsman Hector Atreides, Armagedon 318th Steel Legion

WeedLovingUxion

To Omnissiah, where are the toasters you promised us? This waiting is getting ridiculous. -Irate techpriest, Imperial Palace, Terra.

To the Excellency that is the Master of Mankind, I write this in the foreknowledge that I may be subject to harsh discipline by my superiors in the Chapter, but I find myself disillusioned by my Chapter's implied dark past. I am drawn from the Chapter known as the Dark Angels, former storied First Legion of the Legiones Astartes. During our ascension in the ranks, the stories behind us come ever more detailed, more clearer. Some stories tell of a great betrayal within our own battle-brothers, not of the Horus Heresy, but within our own Legion. Others still tell of a secret our superiors hide from us, vaguely guiding us for their own ends of which they will not immediately tell us. Even more troubling is accusations that our Chapter attacked and destroyed a Black Templar vessel (I apologize on behalf to High Marshall Helbrecht for this incident). Many of us were told that the vessel was destroyed in combat with an enemy force and lost with all hands, but these rumors imply that our own Chapter was responsible. In your glorious omniscience, are the Dark Angels guilty of something? What is it they mean to hide from us? Are these transgressions forgiveable by yourself? -Sgt. Duriel, Dark Angels 6th Company

My most glorious Omnisiah, I as a tech priest have worked tirelessly in your name to maintain the glorious technology you so nobly granted unto us but there are strange things going on in Mars... I fear Archmagos Belisarius Cawl is hoarding strange and dangerous technology, I once even overheard him BLASPHEMOUSLY claiming to be changing the very method of creating the Astartes! Surely such deviation is a danger to your Imperium, I would have informed the ordo hereticus but appear to have fired them. Oh please my great machine lord, what should we do about such foolishness that threatens to corrupt your very sons? - Your faithful servant Godeke Quintus

MrCultist

Oh Glorious Master of Mankind, I write to you as a humble servant from the venerable Space Marine Chapter of the Raven Guard seeking your wisdom and judgement. My chapter has for a long time now fought a legal battle with those demented Black Templars you choose as your topic on todays transmission. Our strife lies in the obvious fact that they stole our Black Armor and white heraldry Design protected by the laws written down in the holy book of judgement. [See Passages 780102 to 797203] No matter how many passive agressive letters we write they just won't react to our proposed redesigns! We are at a loss how to handle such irreverent ignorance. Though it's not only them who disregard Copyright claims submitted by our order. Even our fellow first founding chapter the Dark Angels named their second company the "Ravenwing", how can this thievery and injustice be ignored!? How should we protect our brand oh Lord? In eternal servitude, Cawrius Cawrax 2nd Company Raven Guard Chapter

CawCawMarine

.........I....feel....only.....pain....and.....anger...... -Rubric Marine #3127.

Kamen Astartes

Dear Man Corpse-Emperor, After several of our Sorcerers Divining and confirming some of the events you mentioned concerning our Primarch's...relocation, possible allegiance changes, and seeing The Changer of Ways getting poked by a giant sword repetitively, some of us has decided to at least stay neutral in all of these until our Primarch calls upon us to ether repent or curse your Corpse out of existence. That being said I felt sending this report on the effects of this 'Taco Rebellion' has had on the Warp and its Demonic inhabitants. Currently there has been several battles occurring all over the immaterium involving these Tacos and while many of us think it's just the demons reacting to the emotions of everyone over these Tacos, the fact the Chaos Gods themselves are somehow involved with this makes us think there might be more going on then a simple 'Taco High'. The Daemons of excess seem to agree with the Emperor with Tacos as the pleasure eating such as tasty treat after suffering for a week of work. The Daemons of Decay seem to think Taco Tuesday is right as it gives though who feel like there life is slipping to rejuvenate themselves. The Daemons of Tzeentch keep switching the day they like, more then likely to fuel the fighting, though many are also saying something about Pancake Mondays which hasn't changed since this started. The Khorne Daemons are attacking everyone while shouting 'Turkey Leg Tuesday' while slaughtering everyone, possible due to Turkey legs being both easy to eat and beat over someone's head. Please resolve this situation in the materium soon so the warp can go back to its normal chaotic nature as seeing demons of great power fighting over food feels very out of place here. Sincerely, BloodKnight of the Thousand Sons Hoping this version of my Question works better for this.

l3loodKnight

TO DESIGNATION: Man-Emperor of Mankind, Omnissiah FROM DESIGNATION: Tech Priest TB347 //BEGIN INQUIRY This unit desires to know, Omnissiah, what is your opinion on the research into better and more improved plasma weaponry. There have been concerns about increased casualty rates in units equipped with plasma weapons. It seems that while vile and heretical, the xeno known as the Tau have managed to create effective plasma weapons that do not spontaneously detonate. Will you, mighty Omnissiah, bless me with the knowledge of way to fabricate better plasma weaponry? //END INQUIRY

Matteo Cantelmi

BAAAAAAAAA Also, did the enginseer try to deliver that plan as a disc and where did she put it? As a techpriest, I've often wondered where in the glorious structure a TM is inserted in order to maximize how well the maneuver is transferred. I'm partial to TM 49 to snatch the tacos straight from the heretics' mouths.

Paul Calhoun

Dearest Manly Man Emperor of Mankind As I lead my Guardsmen from 20 miles behind the front line to put down these You Damned Taco Rebellions, one of the cog boys (I think he [or she, I can never tell under all those damn robes and tentacles and metal bits] is an enginseer, or tech intern or something suitably lowly), one Designation TM 39, has come to a most logical conclusion to bring a swift and efficient end to this, name each day of the week after one of these.... uhhh... how do you pronounce this Darling? "Mex-I-Can" foods, except Wednesdays, those will be named Wonton Wednesdays, it is believed this will please all sides in this argument as long as we execute Sister Beehive as well. Did you get all that Darling? good. Yours sincerely and faithfully, Lord General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett Fry, VC, KCB, DSO, of the Praetorian 1914-1918. dictated but not read.

Field Marshal Fry

Dear My Manly Manperor, I have heard that many famous people in history before you rightfully claimed your title have actually been you, guiding humanity as we flourish. I must ask, who are some of these people that were actually you? Your humble servant, Nux.

Nux

If the emperor know what actual interspecies diplomacy is, and the eldar can mannage to don't fuck up a trade deal or agreement witout backstabbing their allies... +It is involving soul stones so NOPE it will end badly. And I doubt that the emperor learned from his mistakes.... He never learn... That is the difference between the eprson I was and him. I still doubt that ultra marines can out dance harlequins..... Before the G man himself answer your question, I would give it a no. But I am no one to decide. I am just abusing of my perception power to sent you this letter in the hope that your rethink your life chocie and choose to send another more usefull proposition. It is probably in vain. The revanchist.

Darth Revan (The first one, and unique one)

Dear Witch-Corpse-Emperor and Company, I have been informed by Overlord Trazyn that o this day you will be hosting High Marshal Helbrecht, who I have heard has quite a history with that prick Imotekh. Please inform him that me and my fellow Lords and Crypteks are very pleased by his Crusades against Imotekh and he should do more of them. Currently I have bet 500 Eldar soulstones on High Marshal in the next fight, please do not disappoint me as the sound they make when you pop them is most satisfying. ps. Our Overlord is a fan of lord "Adorable" and his "Jokes" and asks if by any chance he has any about Necrons. All of galaxy will bow before His magnificence, Lord Hori of Nihilakh Dynasty --------------------------------------------------- Im still Salty about Szarekh and his lack of staff/halberd/scythe. He should be able to teleport it in if he was threatening someone, though he works without it if he was just talking like he was with Dante. He probably wanted to be as "nonthreatening" as highest ranked Necron can be.

Hori

Dear Manly Man Emperor of Mankind, I have idea for getting you off the Golden throne of Terra. It involve a few phases to this monumental undertaking. Phase 1: Find an elder craftworld and force/trade them to give us a few planets worth of their soul stones. Phase 2: Get the Ultra Smurfs and a few dozen psycher marine chapters to travel the galaxy in search of your missing soul shards than trap them in the soul stones. Phase 3 Bring the stones back to Terra with as many powerful psychers as the Imperium can get to you. Phase 4: Have lord Magnus as well as the Psychers form a giant psychic feedback loop of energy to help mesh the shards back together with your main soul. Phase 5: Have the psychers perform mass suicide to create a new body for your reformed soul to now inhabit. Phase 6: Pacify/Exterminate all who would attempt to stop mankind from asserting its rightful place in the galaxy. Please my lord let me know if this plan has a chance of working.

Lord Zero

P.P.S : It is I, the Revanchist, yesyess Revan-boy again, wasting your precious time. You don't need to answer this one nor show it it would be humiliating for me. If you were wandering what my back story was, consider this : You are the pinacle of human evolution, despite ebing in your wheel-chair you haven't been surpassed..... A great chaos strom is coming toward your imperium of yours, and you realize that the only thing that might save your imperium, is to get ready, to be full retarded religious BS Non sens, to shell the mind of your population with venerating the emperor, and you task spectral you to do that, to organize crusades aginst your own imperium in order to get it mroe religious, you creat mroe legion of space marines, a bit unstable like thunder warriors, you want to get rid of them after the storm.... Then the psykers of the newly formed SM legions deem spectral you to be too much of an atheiste and manage to back stab him don't ask how let's just say he was busy fighting the chaos god... Then the chaos gods slvage the soul of spectral you, then spectral you is reborned as new amnesic greater daemon, then spectral you kick the ass of the fanatic part of your imperium, ascend to god hood and claim aving found redemption, he is deeply digust by his career as fanatical loyalist, back before his essence served another personality. But his memroeis are coming back and he is starting to realize that chaos might not be the greatest thing ever so he kinda leave in search of who he really is. Meanwhile in the imperium spectral you have dealt a great blow to your fanatics armies, but the new unstable zealous SM legions are still here destroying and wrecking your fine imperium, you designed them, but their mere existance have now become a disaster, the sacrifice you made where just in vain. Then there is another chaos major invasion and spectral you have his personality split in one trouzillions other you fighting each other, siding with every single faction, trying to start up warband in their garage etc etc etc.... Then you do not what happenned the emrge togather and then make one with the warp I guess? IT just like if Matt Ward started to get good at writting (by Matt Ward standards) but did not retcon all his bad shit and lack inspiration, because erasing all this crap was going to ages ages, so he took some weed to make the inspiration come back. And then GW decide to make a cameo out of you, by showing the golden throne on a random under ground base hidden in asteroïd at the end of a shoddy video game, so you wake-up in an era where the imeprium has become a multi species republic, fighting against the tau who have become fully religious and xenophobicetc etc.. And you just go like wuuuuuuuttttt?? But since chaos is gone you are gud to go and you don't want to deal with this nonsens so you just leave to a place with actually some good narrative still going on. Because ta this point you don't care of what happen to terra, you are out ! Welp something truly horrible happenned to me. Immagine if that happenned to you dear "Emperor" Immagine that everybody remember spectral you and you, you have just been forgotten, and what spectral you have done is just total nosense. How would you feel?

Darth Revan (The first one, and unique one)

i like turtles :)

lol32

To the Mon-Keigh known as 'The Emperor of Mankind' and his brethren, Greetings, lesser life forms. I shall attempt to keep this missive short and simple, lest your primitive minds be torn asunder by the vast intellect of the Asuryani. Please do not take this as a slight against yourselves, but rather, as a statement of fact. I mean you no ill will. Recently I have been studying the archives concerning your 'human' race, and I must say you are quite a fascinating species. It is a fortunate coincidence that your galactic broadcast has been so forthcoming about the history of the various factions within your territory, and I have listened intently and with great curiosity to the meanderings of this 'Lord Adornable' and his improperly dressed colleagues while taking notes on which topics to seek out in due time. The debate between yourself and the Chaos preacher was a particularly delightful exchange. During my time both listening and studying I have seen a great many concerns expressed for your lack of a physical form. Clearly your mortal body has long since fallen into a state of perpetual decay, and is thus unsuitable to carry out your will upon the visible universe, but what of an alternative? Your grasp of Eldar technology was, at one point, quite impressive, indicating a familiarity with our ways. Thus, the question I pose is one that I am surprised has not been brought up yet: why have you not transferred your consciousness to a Wraithlord, or something similar? While I've no doubt such a thing would be impossible for most of your kind, it is clear that you are exceptionally gifted in psychic prowess. Surely a construct of wraithbone would be a preferable alternative to sitting upon a glorified seat in unending agony. Sincerely, Spiritseer Aro'wyyn, Craftworld Iyanden

Drefsab

My Lord Emperor. I have often heard it said that your son, my gene-father Sanguinius, had more of your traits than any of his brothers. Is this the case, and if so, would that make the Blood Angels and their successors the closest any Astartes could be to you? Brother Astramael Blood Angels Sanguinary Guard

Greetings and salutations mighty omnissiah. I hope that this message reaches you and your court in good humor and health. I hail from the planet Cyrus Vulpa in the Calaxis sector and word of the conflicts arising over whether or not Tacos should be consumed once a week has made it even out here near the Fringes. I offer my suggestion humbly, oh great one, that those who wish to consume the taco more than once a week observe Sancho Saturday. A day where a larger soft taco is served. So that on the final day of the Terran week one can reflect on your works as one completes their tasks without the need to prepare a meal, subsiding on the packed proteins and complex carbohydrates of the previous day. As a member of the ordos Genetors I can safely confirm through much experimentation that many of those loyal to you may do such without risk of starvation. And if they do not observe the day of fasting it shall only prove to aid the imperium at large by allowing a increase in production do to loading their bodies with extra calories to meet quotas that their superiors strive to set. Forever following in your path, Genetor Extremis, Manchius Wrenchin

Bulk

Oh Glorious Emperor of Mankind, I am currently stationed on some piece of shit planet of little consequence battling a Chaos incursion, and have been presented with a rather distressing conundrum: Namely, a member of the Xenos known as Eldar (The non-spikey ones). It all started when they randomly appeared and demanded to assist us with the usual purging. Anyway, I'm rambling... One of them just won't leave me alone! She (I think it's a she) just follows me around like a lost child and keeps trying to get me to touch her ears and various other things! I'm scared and confused, my Lord! What should I do? Signed, Guardsman Ren Decart

Dear Emperor of Mankind, I am but a humble administrator within the beaurocracy of the agri-world Iax located in the Ultima Segmentum, within the realm of Ultramar and home to your sons The Ultramarines. I am happy to report that per your word, the official taco day of our world has been firmly set to Friday, as you have so commanded. All those who were opposed to this decree have been reported to the local authorities, arrested and summarily executed as your word is law, while this has caused sadness that such a thing had to occur we are comforted by the fact that your word has been successfully upheld. Ever in your service, Administrator Sellius Fabrillus P.S. While our world is grateful to them for their protection, we would humbly request that you tell your sons to turn off or at least turn down the volume of their constant fervent chanting, as we can hear it clear from Macragge itself.

Mars Project

Re: The Emperor. Despite being an avid listener of these voxcasts, I must admit, I'm rather perplexed by your personal guards' current state of undress. Are you certain that their current predilections are not part of some abominable Slaaneshi plot? And if so, how? P.S.: By the way, I think that some chapter managed to 'acquire' their armor, on some voyage to Terra. You might want to look into reclaiming that, at some point, and your guest should probably check his armory too, in case anything of his got 'borrowed' lately.

acroPhobia

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN. IT IS GOOD TO BE HUMAN AND NOT A ROBOT NECRON. I WISH TO INQUIRE, WHEN WILL THE NECRON CODEX BE RELEASED? THE TESSERACT VAULT IS TERRIBLE FOR ITS POINT COST AND I WANT IT TO BE BUFFED. THE MODEL IS SO COOL! SIGNED, A REGULAR HUMAN.

Bob Kyne

Oi humie big boss! . When iz youz lot gonna talk about when boss Kommizar Yarrick and da Back Templar beakies krumped dat git Ghazghkull'z boyz on armageddon! Dat waz my favorite scrap. Lotz of daka and executionz. . Kommizar Gritgutz sanctioned xenos attached to Inquisitor Sofía of ordos xenos. . Scribes note Gritgutz is not actually a commissar oh glorious Man Emperor. My Mistress just has us call him that to keep him quiescent. That, as well as the explosives fitted inside his cranium.

brotherthat

Sup Emperor-Man.... Your People of Somewherestain would like to know... what does the fox say?

Rune Jes Rasmussen

Dear Walking Factbooks, Why are the Black Templars so fucking mad? Like, there's the standard fervor a Space Marine will show when engaged in combat, and then there's the walking Geneva Convention Violations that are the Black Templars. They fight and act in a manner that makes Angron look like a mewling kitten in comparison. Did Dorn pick all the angry kids or something to be on the Black Templar team when it came time to break up the Imperial Fists into Chapters? I'd like some insight into this, if that wouldn't be too much trouble. Sincerely, A not as pissed off Space Marine

Cotton

Dear Lord Adorable. Across the many vacuums of the warp and space I could almost swear to hear the baby screams of Peturabo at times , cussing and throwing fits towards you. Please , if you could , why -is- his super babby hate on so hard for you? Faithfully Yours , Mcgee

A LEMON

Ave Imperator, since everything the human populace imagines becomes a reality in the warp, is there a God-Emperor of Mankind in the warp, as opposed to our Man-Emperor of Mankind? Are you siphoning your power from the warp manifestation? May the light of humanity never fade, Citizen 715517

I have almost no clue on WH80K lore, so I'll pose this question: How do several religious cults inside the Emporium coexist without instantly proclaiming holy war on each otehr? I saw a fair bit of cults, like the female Inquisitors one, the Inquisitors one, many of the chapters, this Black Templars (whatever it is) is obviously a cult. They all go on great tangents about how they're the most righteous, and they're all separated for great stretches of time, and they all have multiple societies that are entirely in thrall to them, but they still shy just short of a civil war? Even if they all agree on the obvious (in-universe) dichotomy of Chaos versus... something (order? doesn't look like), which shows quite evidently in empirical evidence of sprouting tentacles, they would still instantly find reasons to secede or plan coups. And if there is some established hierarchy between these cults, pray tell how it is upheld. If the Inquisition has the manpower, clout and panache to put down any separatist fundamentalist movements inside the space marine / imperium ranks, then it should have had disbanded all these cults long ago, replacing them with normal units under a doctrine. If it can't do so because of the historic prominence of these primarch cults, what does it even do. Please advise.

AyeBraine

And yes the two cardinals are Lanipator and Takahata101 of Team Four Star fame, I asked them when they were doing an Con last month.

Ed130 The Vanguard

My glorious Emperor, thank you for having your guardian 'Custodisi?' read out my question, while you were rather vague simply having it spoken in your presence has proven to be a powerful weapon in the Cardinal Conclave ever since they forbid the use of bolters as debating tools. Unfortunately between the 'Slaaneshmas' incident and your previous voxcast there has been an upsurge in Chaos worship. Not helping the new Inquisition and Ecclesiarchy is that there is little agreement as to what constitutes Heresy when worshiping the Man-Emperor as strange 'Man-cults' have sprung up, such as the one which worships the human skull and modified pleasure covens which toe the line but don't actually worship Chaos (we think). I must now ask of you, what constitutes Heresy in the Veneration of Mankind and Yourself? Your ever faithful servant: Cardinal Bucephelus XI of Gathalamor PS: While most of the Conclave remain silent in the 'Great Taco Debate,' I can confirm that Cardinals Lanipator and Takahata V are part of the 'Tuesday' faction.

Ed130 The Vanguard

O My Glorious Spiritual Liege The Grossly Incandescent Man-Emperor Of Mankind! I send this missive to you to humbly beg for your Most Wise counsel! Earlier on, in Your divine wisdom, You've said that close combat and giant ostentatious displays of wealth and power are the most glorious things in the universe, and yet I find that my chapter tends to shy away from both. Indeed, we mostly sit behind cover and fire our ranged weaponry at the enemy, while taking special care to see the enemy, but remain unseen by it. Unbelievable as it may be, we even paint our armour into drab colours that allow us to further blend into our surroundings, as if we were guardsmen or scouts! I do not know if our behaviours is contrary to your wishes, however, for it also leads to us suffering relatively very few casualties, and You have also stated that you dislike it when Your servants waste away Your resources and men. Please, My Lord, I beseech You, enlighten this loyal weapon of your wrath is he should spend less time sneaking in camo and more time charging in bright, primary colours! - Forever Your servant and warrior, A Raptors tactical marine.

Rangu; Void-Father, sire of the Forgotten One; my Emperor. Thy name is hallowed among my Void-Brothers of the Carcharodons Astra, as it should be. For ten millenia we have stalked the outer dark, banished to the fringes of your light, and that of the homeworld, Terra. Though I am a mere scout, barely blooded, unworthy of a voidname as of yet, I wish to ask for my brothers this question: Are the Edicts of Exile overturned? It was said that until your return, we were given remit unbound to set about the traitor, the alien, and the renegade without mercy; to harrow them in their places of strength, as it is written within the Mythos Angelica Mortis. We hunt still, urged on by Lord Tyberos, the Red Wake, yet I find myself restless amidst the rumors – nay, the news – of thy reemergence. I’ve considered sending a message for multiple cycles now, finding myself unable to rest and meditate within the cryocells, and despite my elders brushing it off as a mere rumor, I believe in your return. Mere voidsickness will not stay my hand, and I have paced the halls, and meditated with the sleeping Greats for a good time now. So I ask once more: With thy return, Void-Father, are the Edicts of Exile overturned? Are the Carcharodons Astra unbound from our endless crusade beyond the fringe of thy light? While my brothers and I await your response, we shall prepare for the coming hunt. Kia orrae, Rangu. Glory to the Imperium, and death to the enemy. ~ Omeca-Six-Six, Scout of the Carcharodons Astra Tenth Battle-Company.

Can i purge with you and your kin

nat3.desperles

To his Mighty Majesty the Emperor of Mankind My Emperor, glory be unto you. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to help this poor mind settle, regarding a question that has bothered it for a while now. Why can't Space Marines breed? Now, before anyone around you comes to any conclusions, I would like to hastily stress that this question is not produced from any Slaaneshi provocation. I am wondering this, because the Astartes' inability to breed takes a great benefit away from the Imperium. If your angels were capable of fathering offspring, wouldn't them mixing themselves with the general populace help hasten humanity's evolution as a species, resulting in higher quality soldiers for your cause to be born in great numbers? Them not being able to do so makes it seem like quite the tactical mishap, and as we all know, you are incapable of such things, so I am sure you did not design them with such intent. But that still begs the question, why? If the rumors that normal women have been able to bear your own offspring, then surely it wouldn't be an issue to do so with that of lesser beings(when compared to you)? Or is this a defect with the process of making Astartes into what they are? If so, couldn't you have fixed it with your "OP PLZ NERF" powers? I would like to thank you with the utmost humility a mere man is capable of, for the time you may have dedicated to my...#showerthoughts. I eagerly await the coming podcast, as to see whether my words have been deemed worthy enough to grace your presence. (And in the case they are, to Zefa Squad - THE EMPEROR IS READING MY MAIL! SO I HAVE TECHNICALLY INDIRECTLY HAD A CONVERSATION WITH HIM! GET BENT YOU BLASTED SHMUCKS!) Ahem. Once again, thank you, and have a splendid day! With respect Gluteus Fabius An Imperial Guard on his lunch break

To the Illuminator of the Astronomican, Greetings to you, my lord, and your companions in this crusade to destroy the ignorance of ours. I'm the current heir of one the most influental houses of Navis Nobilite. I spent my entire younghood in the luxurious seat of our House, secure and isolated from rest of the Galaxy. While I do work as a Navigator now, my father ensures my ships are the most secure one in the galaxy and my suite is the most secure one in the ship. But all this protectionism his was broken a year ago; I was forced to travel through the so called fire room of one of your blessed ships. What I saw there was terrible truth of our Imperium; all these men, all these "serfs" was working under conditions almost unimaginable to me. I heard they were talking about the ship like it is their entire universe, I saw one serf casting the remains of the other into the furnace as he was crushed under engines of the ship just a moment ago, I saw the Tech-Priest electrocuting a serf just for touching his robes with his greasy hands. All of them were literally living in their own filth. I have been thinking of all these people since then, not just the ship serfs but also the factorum serfs, the hive worlders, the mine serfs, just all of your serfs. Even the servo-skull scribing these words was once over the shoulders of a poor man. Oh, the Emperor of Mankind, although I understand the necessities of all this, is there a way to let them live at least bearable lives? With regards from your servant Abakerazum W. Belisarius of House Belisarius

To da Warboss of 'Umizes, Heard 'ur Boyz in da Black Templar like to go 'round the galaxy stompin' thingz and makin' a big ruckus. Big ol' fleetz filled to the brim with fighty Marines forever and always lookin' for a new scrap. Dat soundz like a Waaagh to me and da Boyz! So uz tell dem Black Templars to go sod off! Dats our thing! *transcribed from mangled audio file discovered in meteor wreckage augmented with repurposed Imperial cogitators and Orkish propulsion systems*

Jack Ponder

My great Man Emperor of Mankind. My name is [REDACTED]. I am a captain of one of the infamous Black Ships, the Final Destination. Each day, new psychers are are loaded onto my ship as it passes through the void. I understand that both my role and theirs is essential to the survival of the Imperium and that their sacrifices are needed to power the Astronomicon. I have heard whispers from the crew that you absorb their souls. Perhaps you could ease the minds of the crew and those to be sacrificed: What does a human soul taste like? Does it taste like Grox burgers? Are souls filling? Regards Captain [REDACTED][REDACTED] PS. Sorry if my name is [REDACTED]. Need to pass this through Inquisitorial Adblock

Renegade Pizza Guy

Dear Lord Adorable/Primarch Progenitor, Can you please explain to this humble servant how is it that we come from the same gene-father, that being you, even though they are rather more emotional and less measured as you are. An additional question to our Lord-Emperor, what was our role going to be if we had successfully conquered the entire galaxy? Would have been a garrison force or would be discarded? Yours, Sergeant Grim Volkner, 5th Company, Imperial Fists

Diego Flores

Mighty and Noble High Marshal of the Black Templars, I am taking time off from my duties to write this letter both to satisfy my curiosity on what I consider to be a very disturbing and concerning issue and to hopefully implore either your chapter or the Munitorum to send reinforcements as my chapter is currently under seige by the T'au, their allies and Daemons I have heard tales and legends of your chapters many exploits and acheivements purging those foul xenos and heretics that plague the birthright of our Imperium however among those tales I have noticed some very disturbing inconsistencies. My concerns regard the actions of your Templars, or rather their inaction under Marshal Marius Almarich during a rather disturbing incident when a coalition of survivors from Cadia (which also included a crusading force of Black Templars) and Eldar broke into the Temple of Correction on Macragge and awakened the noble Primarch of the Ultramarines, Roboute Guilliman. As much as the return of a Primarch (although not our own genefather Corvus Corax) is a cause of much celebration, the actions of your Templars are troubling as they were actually escorting and ensuring the safety of the foul xenos. My question is this, why didn't the Black Templars under Marius Almarich not simply slaughter the xenos outright which is, I believe, part of the Black Templar's decree to cleanse the stars? Also I would hope to request for some expediency in the issue regarding reinforcements as we are running low on both men and ammunition, although we do partake in melee combat and view such combat as honourable. Raven Priest Malachi Drosk, Chaplain of the Ebon Ravens 2nd Company

Dear High Marshal Helbrecht, i was always wondering why the Black Templar put their neophytes already in Powerarmor, every other chapter sends their neophytes to scoutcompanies (besides the space corgis), but not the Black Templars. How does it comes to it?

All-Seeing Omnissiah, We of the Planet El'Gee have recently unearthed a most glorious thing - an STC fragment! It details the construction of this box covered in dials which, when we complete the rituals of activation and transrotation, removes the moisture from our garments and grants them a pleasing warmth. To our dismay, it appears to consume a quantity of servo socks, the percentage of which increases the more socks we place in the marvelous box which we have named Roper's Rectangular Re-un-moisturizer in honor of our first high Magos. We are considering an expedition - a novice wearing twenty pairs of socks will be placed within the box and then the rituals will be observed. We believe that the heat must be taken from some source far away and that there is some entity which is taking socks as tribute. We fear that perhaps it is a laundry daemon of some kind, though we also suspect xenos or even some variety of machine spirit we have never encountered before. That would be exciting! However, as you, the Omnissiah, are taking questions, we felt it prudent to consult your wisdom before possibly opening a gate into the Warp and having a novice sucked through into a foul den of hot and dry chaos. Our question is this: Do you know where our socks go when they are placed in the dryer but do not return from it? Yours in techo-worship Enginseer May Tag Planet El'Gee Whirlpool System PS. We just found a knob which switches the box's conceptual geometer from analog to digital, and the entire thing disappeared with a screech. We've built another one in a color the STC says is more pleasing (white rather than blue) and placed a rune of non-disturbance on that knob, but if you also know where our blue box has gone, we'd be very happy to send a mech crusade to go fetch it back.

Paul Calhoun

Dear Menperor, What do you think is the origin of the pylons discovered on Cadia before its destruction in the 13th black crusade? Why do you think they where even there? Do you think there are more installations similar to the one on Cadia out there and do you think that their effect of creating a sort of Gellar field could be replicated to for once and for all purge Koas from the galaxy? With respect, Tersius Septus

Ogunst

Wondrous Omnissiah: Query: if the Thousand Sons DO repent and return to the Imperium, would you truly forgive them? Continuation: i honestly doubt the Space Wolves would be amenable to that. there is such animosity between them, i am certain that conflicts would inevitably spring up across the galaxy. how would you go about dealing with this obvious issue. Ending: i appreciate whatever knowledge you reply with. thank you in advance. Arch-Magos Orion

High Marshal Helbrecht of the Black Templars, there have been a few... Inconsistencies in the information available on your venerable chapter, fouling our records; could you possibly rectify this? Do you, or do you not, worship the Manperor of Mankind or simply consider him a great man? Is your chapter codex compliant in terms of numbers or do you tend to greatly exceed it? And do you find yourself willing allies of imperial psykers or barely unable to restrain the urge to purge them? -Adeptus Administratum

Kami-Kaze

To Governor Aldernis of the Planet York's Rest I have completed your commission you asked for of that cute voxhailer surf on the Emperor's Most Holy Voxcast. I will make sure that the pornoslates are delivered to your population with great discretion. Regards SexualYeti Pornoslate Artist

SexualYeti

Oh mighty Marshall Helbrecht, slayer of heretics, killer of xenos, why do you guys get along so well with the Sisters of Battle? Is it due to sharing the same hobbies (burning heretics, killing heretics, and murdering heretics)? Or is there some deeper connection at work? Have you been helping them over their crisis of faith? Yours sincerely, a random guy

David Rodoy

Dear Emperor of Mankind, please answer your humble subjects query: How can it be that you sought to lift mankind out of the darkness of old night but still left fat noble families and slavery untouched during the great crusade? Aren't these curses against such a noble goal?

Oh my most alluring Marshall helbrecht. What is the music of choice that your Templars listen to while Assaulting an enemy position. Sincerely, _a random mechanicus guy.

Oh my most splendid and beautiful Emperor, your most glorious presence has has inspired me to do good within the Imperium! and thus I have taken up on the craft of an artist as to express me love for you and all! please accept this newest piece of artwork that I have made for you my Emperor -secret admirer ;) <a href="http://imgur.com/a/8mg1g" rel="nofollow noopener" target="_blank">http://imgur.com/a/8mg1g</a>

Aidan

Dear Manperor of Makind, what IS the deal with airplane food? - Jerrianus Seinfeldii

ThePich