On Comics, Cartooning, Death And Money (File Under Advice, Satirical)

Found this nonsense filed with actual comics career stuff and it's dated but maybe it isn't too dated except for a reference or two. It made me laugh, so it might make you laugh, too. 

One upside to a career in comics -- no matter what your income is -- is that it's very unlikely that you'll die violently (Unless it was by your own hand, of course). Personal safety is practically assured when you spend most of your life sitting in a room, losing track of time, losing your eyesight and losing the use of your hand. Look how many cartoonists live to be wrinkled old prunes -- it's amazing! Carl Barks was, what, 150?

Being a lifetime shut-in means the world can't harm you, or even affect you if you avoid the news. Doing comics for a living is like slipping into a personal mylar snug that keeps you safe for decades as it snuffs out your social life. Think of your studio as a low-cost Panic Room. No sun means no skin cancer. Cars can't hit you. No chance of life-threatening STDs as long as you stay focused and chained to the board. And best of all, if you don't make any money, you can't die in a freak boating accident like Max Gaines. Boating accidents are for rich people, like Coppolas. Not you, baby. You're safe at home, dry as a baby's powdered ass, doing comics about life!

So, you might not make any money, but you won't pay much in the way of taxes, and, again, I can't stress this enough, you'll never die in a boating accident. If you really need to make money, just run up your credit cards and refuse to pay anything back. What's the worst that could happen? You can do comics in prison if you're caught and sentenced, hell, you'll get fed and have a social life forced on you, so big deal. And if you get away with it, you'll have the dough to make comics about how you got away with it.

Whatever the case, dare to dream, keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the ramen noodles.

P.S. Don't forget, store-brand frozen peas and corn perk up ramen husks for just pennies! And onions are quick and E-Z to shoplift! That's one to grow on, and knowing is half the battle!