Upsetting Day: Marie Osmond Collector Dolls Challenge

I challenge you to Dolls. I'm looking to build an elite team of doll hunters. We will purchase all the most menacing dolls for sale on Etsy and eliminate them. However, for budgetary purposes, we'll need to make sure we're only eliminating the dolls that are plotting something and not regular, unhaunted dolls. That's phase two. For the purposes of this training exercise and entrance exam, we will be using Marie Osmond's Collector Dolls: The First Ten Years.

I'm pretty sure that when Marie Osmond was a child, she was bitten by a haunted doll and transformed. She is a human/haunted doll hybrid, and her only goal in life for several decades was to put more haunted dolls into the world. She hocked dolls on QVC, was the grand marshall of a parade celebrating her dolls at Disney World, and she has the chilling distinction of being the first human on the cover of Doll Reader Magazine. Personally, I think she did this so if people Google "Marie Osmond human?" this fact is what will come up. If Doll Reader says she's a human, who are we to dispute it?

Marie has designed and sold so many dolls. I'm going to put them into categories, show them to you, and you'll tell me which of them is plotting something. The first category is dolls that look smug, like they've stolen all of your little tarts when you weren't looking. I know this is difficult, but I need everyone who doesn't have a cult-like devotion to this task to leave immediately. We are a righteous cause seeking holy knights only. Look at these dolls who are smug, as if they've stolen all of your little tarts when you weren't looking, and tell me, which one is secretly plotting something?

All three of these dolls are smug little bastards who are judging you. That much is obvious. Only one of them is also plotting something. Which of these dolls must be eliminated? Is it the one with the craziest eyes? Seriously, who designs a doll with eyes like that? Someone wanted to look at that face all the time. They said no, no, don't make normal eyes. I want her eyes to be enormous and manic. Is it Baby Marie who is definitely judging you for the amount of tarts you had before she took them? Or Glinda the Good Witch, except she's clearly not good this time. Go ahead, make your guesses.

The answer is A. That doll's name is Lindsey. They only made three hundred of her, if you can believe it. She is a collector's item. A fun fact about Lindsey is that she is responsible for something called the spaghetti factory massacre.

Let's move on to the next category, dolls with teeth. Why, why, why do I have to look at doll teeth? You might be wondering. It's because Marie wants you to, and she's in charge now. Look closely. Which of these dolls with teeth also has a human consciousness, and it is foul.

I should have been more specific and said these dolls have visible teeth. All dolls have little porcelain teeth, and they are quite sharp. They're usually just hiding them behind a smug little smile. Do you think there's a reason all of the dolls with teeth also have red hair? Does Marie hate redheads, or love them and want them to have mouth weapons when they attack? What am I doing? There's no point trying to understand a mad woman. Which of these dolls should you attack? A.) The stupid looking redhead and his sister, B.) The stupid looking redhead in a bunny costume, or C.) The stupid looking redhead.

That's correct, it's B. That doll's name is Kristi, and she has committed insurance fraud, violently. See, Marie Osmond? Redheads can accomplish things other than having frightening teeth. How are you doing so far? I've got 37 spots on my doll crime fighting brigade, and only 30 of those are not for people bait. So make sure you try real hard on this next one. The category is dolls who are suspiciously ecstatic to be dolls.

That's correct, B and C are working together! Don't let them swarm you. Never let them swarm you. That's the number one rule of hunting dolls.

If you've made it this far, you have pretty good doll fighting instincts. Let's do a lightning round. Sometimes the dolls move quickly and you have to make a quick decision, so smash or pass, this doll that's regretting all of his life decisions.

Pass, he's fine. That's the exact amount of existential dread that a doll should be experiencing. Show no mercy, let it live. Your suspicion is warranted, though. A doll in disguise as another doll should never be trusted. However, in this case, he's merely hiding from his own dread, which is good!

Oh no, you've found a nest, a haunting Victorian nest full of dolls so sick they own their own dolls. A doll's doll is doubly cursed. Did Marie Osmond really think someone would willingly bring this into their house for enjoyment?

You're doing so well. I have hope for the future. I'm filled with the energy of Marie Osmond in her doll teeth era. That means it's time to show you some truly sick shit. You've seen a doll who has a doll, and a doll disguised as another doll, but have you ever seen a doll, dressed as another doll, dressed as a beloved cartoon character? This exists, and I warn you, it's exactly as upsetting as you imagine. Don't flinch. That's part of the test.

Yes, that's two dolls dressed as Raggedy Ann, dressed as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Yes, above them are two more dolls dressed as Raggedy Ann pushing a wheelbarrow full of smaller Raggedy Ann dolls, and they are pissed off about it. I said don't flinch! Marie is layering the dolls now. They're getting stronger. Soon they might be too strong for us to continue fighting, but we'll never end our holy crusade. Not even when faced with old dolls.

The least threatening thing about most of these dolls is that they are babies. We cannot let the dolls reach maturity. Grandma Rose is one of the most violent dolls in this book. She comes with weapons, and I don't mean her garden tools. She will deploy that grandbaby on you without a moment's thought.

What happens to a grandbaby doll that's been used as a projectile against doll hunters? Apparently, people still find it adorable because Marie has made a whole line of dolls simply called "injured". You've passed all of your doll identification tests and dealt with the horrors I brought upon you well, so this is your final question. Can we trust these injured dolls? Especially the one with somehow both a bullcut and pigtails?

Correct! Never trust a doll. It's just like the nursery rhyme we were all taught as children. When in doubt, smash all dolls about. You've taken to the training well. Your reward is this doll. Yes, run away. That's the appropriate response.

I know that was difficult, but now that you've seen the terrors of the world, you know if you have what it takes to become a doll hunter, or if you're merely the doll hunted. It was a tough, upsetting day, but you made it through, and I promise, nothing like that will ever happen to you again. You're safe now. Wait. What is this arriving at my doorstep in an unmarked package? No. CURSE YOU, MARIE OSMOND!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: ObsoL33T, the kind of guy that would certainly tell you if he was secretly a haunted doll, right? Legally I think he has to. Like by law. Are dolls bound by the laws of human though? Shit I actually don't know. Ok stay right there, I'll look into it and let you know what I find out.

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