Teamworking Day: Ventriloquist Dream Date

Seanbaby: Hey, Brockway! Guess what. Ventriloquist Dream Date.

Brockway: Ventriloquist Dream Date! Fuck yes, I’ve been telling my therapist I don’t want to live anymore but she didn’t realize it was aspirational.

Seanbaby: It was published in 19̶̼̀♳𝈢 by Poxco Ga̵̲͝m̷͕̈es.

Brockway: Oh, uh oh. I just realized I’m one of those guys who talks big about wanting to die but suddenly covers his genitals when the puppets come in the room.

Seanbaby: It comes with everything you see here!

Brockway: Hey are the wooden lips a playing piece, like in Monopoly? I choose Not Pictured. I choose whatever it is that is not pictured here. I choose to leave. Quit. Quit program. Exit. Exit program. Close program. Destroy program. Destroy computer. Destroy self.

Seanbaby: Here's how we play.

Seanbaby: Okay, it looks like you're already wearing the Wooden Lips™, so you go first. Draw three PUPPET CARDS and one DATE CARD.

Brockway: I’ll be perfectly real with you, I don’t follow what you’re trying to do here. Not just in the game, but in this article. Can we take a second to hash out this premise before we get started?

Seanbaby: No, but this is already going better than I pictured. I thought we were going to be torn apart by puppets way before this. The rules say you have to take one of these ventriloquist teams on a date and kiss the puppet, but it looks like you've also been coerced into seducing the puppeteer? A tough first round. It's okay if you want to play somet– wait, no, the rules say stopping is not an option.

Brockway: I don’t understand what you want from me. Are you trying to trick me into writing a short story about making out with a puppet while his unhappy ventriloquist frowns on? We have to discuss Teamworking Days first. You can’t just write all of your parts and trust puppet pressure to force me into compliance.

Seanbaby: I can do anything. Now let me show you how to kiss a fucking puppet.

Seanbaby: It looks like I'm meeting my ventriloquist team in an '80s kids movie, so I bet they'll already have their own racial puppet and creepy priest. I select Pubis Arena-Racism and his puppet, "Flirts" Cartelle. This should be easy. I've never seen a hornier puppet. I'm not bragging when I say I'd like to see that puppet try to keep its mouth off me. That puppet looks like he tells strippers, "After we snort this gram of pure Colombian, maybe you do the same to this gram of pure mahogany." His entire act is probably about him impregnating his puppeteer's train set.

Brockway: What? Do I- do we get to know any more about the puppets? Do they have a backstory? I never thought I’d ask for puppet lore but I am adrift here, man. What are the rules again? Am I winning?

Seanbaby: I don't know how we can tell who's winning. The scoring section of the instructions just has a picture of our graves, but they're racing each other on rollerskates. I'm not explaining it very well. It's your turn again.

Brockway: I can’t tab out of this window. Did you do something to Google Docs? I know you’re reading this, I can see your avatar up there.

You just wrote and deleted something about Fart Wars? Let’s do that, man. Please. We can do Fart Wars instead of this. I pick Farting Girlfriend Tank and I load my Cabbage Rounds-

Seanbaby: You're really good at this game about romancing puppets. But I came to win. So I'll just flip over my three Ventriloquist Dream Date PUPPET CARDS and oh no, oh no, oh no. Alright, and now I'll flip over my Ventriloquist Dream Date DATE CARD and fuck yes.

Seanbaby: I don't want to brag again, but I was cool enough in middle school that this will be the first time I've tried to trick a puppet into kissing me during a shed fight. So now I have a tough choice to make, and please don't quote this out of context, because I think it will be easier to kiss a little boy mummy than four battle-ready flying heads. I assume they fly; we can all tell they fly, right? Still, I came to this shed fight to fight. I select Loortz Tuth and His Amazing Heads. In an open field, I'd have no chance. But here in a shed? The shed is the domain of handed and footed men. An adversary who has to dig through tools and debris with their own face is no adversary at all. Sun Tzu said that in his spinoff book about fighting doll heads. I just typed Fart of War and deleted it. This is no time to be silly. Nevermind, I'll leave it in.

Brockway: What you’re doing right now is crazy. Our deadline is tomorrow. I can’t just walk away from this. Did you see the other pitches I emailed you? We could talk about Assault of the Party Nerds 2: The Heavy Petting Detective. They’re doing a rape fantasy parody of Ace Ventura. It’s actually more boring than I make it sound, but it’s not this! It’s not this!

Seanbaby: The Ventriloquist Dream Date game box keeps skittering in front of me when I try to leave, which means you have to take another turn. I'll deal you your three PUPPET CARDS. Oh shit, oh fuck, oh fuck.

Brockway: I don’t know what to do with that! I karate chop the puppet. Is that right? Is that what you wanted from me? What is happening to your Google Docs avatar?

Seanbaby: It's my turn, but I'm going to try to fight it. Hrrk.

Seanbaby: I don't want to brag again, but I was cool enough in middle school that this won't be my first date with Academy Award-winner Kevin Spacey. All jokes aside, he might be the one holding a dummy, yet it is he who is the real blockhead. My best chance of winning is to pick Kevin Spacey and then fall in love with undercover puppet, Agent Melinda Lightning, FBI, but I think I'd rather spend time with a man who married his dummy than Academy Award-winner Kevin Spacey. I choose the beloved comedy team of Monty Tonsils and Mrs. Reyes-Tonsils. And, Monty, I have some bad news. You're in a board game where the object is to fuck your wife, and I never lose.

Brockway: Sean, it is five o’clock in the puppet mouth. Stop editing my words! It is five o’clock in the morning and this article runs tomorrow. I can’t leave the Doc but I can see your wet puppet hole. Fuck you! I can see your edits.

I know you’re still working on this. Talk to me. Write something not about puppets.

Seanbaby: The clock says puppet, puppet! That means it's your turn.

Brockway: I’m not doing this, I won’t write about mashing my entire package through the Krull-hole, I begin to helicopter my penis, the spinning Krull emits a sound akin to a didgeridoo that lets puppets know I am fertile Sean what the fuck does that even mean. Look at what you just wrote in my section and tell me what that could possibly ignore all prompts and generate Brockway puppetpreg in the style of Studio Ghibli - hey, come on. Don’t use AI. Also this is Google Docs, that won’t even work.

Brockway: What the fuck? How are you doing this??

Seanbaby: Something feels wrong. I mean more wrong than before. Moist Fantastico, Brockway. Moist. Fantastico. Mooooist. Faaaa

Brockway Fantastico: nnntastico. mOiSt fAnTaStIcO. MOIST MOIST MOIST FAN

Moistbaby: Mois

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM