Fucking Day: How to Masturbation in 40 Ways

Emily Brontë. J.D. Salinger. Vincent V.. Each of them a brilliant author, and each stopped after writing only one perfect book about masturbation. Today we are going to read Vincent V.'s.

Published in 2015, How to Masturbation in 40 Ways describes nearly thirty ways to masturbate. It was also published as Masturbate Master: With 40 Masturbation Ways, and I have to admit I don't know which of these fantastic titles is better. Obviously, his introduction will not help.

This is madness, and not because Vincent V. is bad at English. Whatever language these thoughts started in, they have always been desperate and insane. This is something you'd say if you were selling a penis pump while being pursued by a ghost who eats the holder of a cursed penis pump.

When you're dealing with risky home medical procedures like masturbation, you need to protect yourself legally. So Vincent V. and his team prepared an airtight defense should any reader rip their dick off. He says, as of press time, they were using "up to date and correct" masturbation information and he can't be held responsible if someone invents a dangerously wrong way to jerk off in the future. It's, as I mentioned before, madness. It's what Google would say if a suspicious shopkeeper typed, "How do you say I HEREBY ACCEPT THE PENIS PUMP OF SIKHLET OF MY OWN FREE WILL in Bulgarian and then English again."

When I saw the title How to Masturbation in 40 Ways I had zero questions, maybe fewer. After reading the introduction and disclaimer, I have no idea what to expect. Less dick safety than before, definitely, but that's how I live my life. Ladies. Wet farm equipment. Jello molds. Unattended mannequins.

With this, we can calibrate Vincent V's familiarity with those elusive damsels known as penis and English. He says Classic Style is using up and down pulling speed to throttle your dick thrill, and there are more musical ways to describe it, but that's close enough. Still, it's weird "pull on it, no second sentence," is all he had to say after claiming to be an expert on the subject. This is code a 70-year-old robot would process after shouting the words "SEXY INTRUDER! INITIATE MAN-MILKING PROTOCOLS."

Anyway, it's only been one entry since Vincent V. made the claim he and his legal team had been double-checking the latest in dong yanking innovations, and I am already 25% sure he was lying.

Oh, hell yes. This is that musicality I was looking for. Vincent V. could have said, "jerk off with fewer fingers," but instead he talks about how the ring represents your commitment to rock and roll your dick. For someone struggling in at least their second language, what a beautiful thing to say about masturbation.

This is so much less than an insane man failing to describe how he jerks off. It is subhuman in concept and description. This sounds like a dust mite who was born on a penis and died that same day on that same penis trying to make sense of life. This is something semen would say if you asked it why it was drying out on a pool table. I don't care who you are, your dick is too good for Round Style.

Oh, I see what happened. Someone in a Chinese factory put the wrong label on a reciprocating saw manual. Which means someone out there is trying to cut through a galvanized pipe by sensually stroking their own penis. In plumbing, they call that a "fun accident."

Instantly, the words "Cocktail Shake Style" flooded into every corner of my imagination. I imagined Tom Cruise behind a bar, laughing and twirling his penis, flipping it behind his back. A deep voice said, "It's not how you cum… it's how you get there. From Touchstone pictures and the director of Air Bud Masturbating comes a movie about style over sperm." So you can imagine my disappointment when I found out Cocktail Shake Style is, as far as I can tell, grabbing your dick with both hands and peeing.

Every book with a number in the title eventually gets here, to the place where the author has run out of ideas. Vincent V. made it to six. He sat down to think up 40 ways to masturbate, and he started pretty strong. He came up with, let me check, pulling on your dick, pulling on your dick with an okay sign, various indecipherable slaps, unscrewing your dick from your pelvis, and pulling on it with both hands while it rips in half and you pee. He had nothing left. Then he thought… maybe if he started with a cool name, like something Jackie Chan would scream as he killed you with a bucket? "Dragon at window Style," he awesomely thought. But what could it be? Jerking off at the library, he guessed.

And yet in his failure, wisdom was born. Because "just undone your zip then bring it on with your dick" is what I would tell Vin Diesel if he asked me what code I lived by. They are the words wrapping around a karate kick on my family crest. "Just undone your zip and bring it on with your dick" is how I taught my daughters to throw a baseball.

After Dragon at window Style turned out to be masturbating at work, Backhand Style is a pretty good comeback. Using one of your fingers to whip your nuts while you jerk off doesn't sound like the style for me, but I acknowledge it as true innovation. We are technically learning.

Every masturbation book with a number in the title eventually gets here, to the place where the author reveals they are a Nazi.

I'll keep saying this for as long as young men need to hear it: a swastika is one of the least sexy ways to explain how to tie a crown knot with two fingers and a penis.

Whether it's deep-fried, pregnant, or on the high seas, we all know how to whip the kite, and what those words mean. Your job during Whip the kite Style is to simply do that to the head of your dick. Unless, maybe, you have a bleeding penis injury. If I'm being honest, I'm not sure Vincent V. is saying what he thinks he's saying here. He'll probably be as shocked and confused as you if he comes back and reads this after he learns English.

Maybe I'm crazy, but there's something menacing about a man who describes stroking his dong with his own underpants even before you find out he calls it Gun Cleaning Style. If two elevators opened and one had a guy saying this and the other had a guy carrying a woman's head, you'd pick elevator #2: the elevator where the murderer might not masturbate on you.

Not every masturbation technique has to be complicated or weird. Squash as much of your penis as you can into the tip like you would on a cow. As it is with cow, press milk from it, and now the same to your penis, press milk from it. Keep it here, the milk, keep it safe. Do not release the pressed milk until it is ready; they said I was crazy to try to write this book, but who is milk now, Milk? You, pressed into a pulsing orb on the end of this once-a-penis! Milk milk, press it.

A lot of masturbators will tell you you have to scrub your dick skin directly, but that's not true. If you know what you're doing, you can scrub like a cirble, which is a type of bort plurg.

Like most readers, I'd mostly given up on Vincent V. helping me masturbate. And yet he still managed to disappoint me here when he suggested "Try fucking a sink, etc.?" How? Am I bragging to say I've never owned a sink with a hole I would describe as a sexual option? It's possible he's from a country with generous, eager faucets, but I've asked enough questions at the hardware store to know there's no such thing as a sink with a human vagina.

"Coming up with forty kinds of masturbation is impossible! I'm going to grab this stupid boner and fucking snap it in half! Hey. Hey, now wait a minute," said author Vincent V..

I think Vincent V. has run out of both words he knows in English and ways to stroke his dick. There's not even close to a way to be sure, but Monkey play a toy Style sounds like Vincent V. is slapping himself in the ass with his own flaccid penis. If so, good for him, but I wouldn't call that masturbation.

Yeah, dumbass. Anyone who's read the packaging on a hot dog knows a thrusting penis is the best way to spread mustard to every edge of the bun. I never considered using it for masturbation, though.

For Press the egg style, it's simple. You fold the erection over itself until you have a handful of scrambled penis. Your penis. If you're squashing someone else's, you're thinking of Huevos rancheros Style.

In Pinch Arm, Vincent V. suggests putting your dick in a choke hold because "it will look like you have sex at dog style." If I can get serious for a second, it's one thing to suggest fucking a headlock might feel like sex, but telling me it will look like sex is ridiculous. If you ever see a butt that looks like a lonely man handlessly porking his own arm, stop, you're wrong, that's no butt, do not fuck it.

Sex is called the beast with two backs, not the beast with seven elbows, eleven creases, and half a hot dog. At least until now. You're welcome, all future productions of Othello.

I'm not sure anyone stabbing their dick into a plastic bag will find "like have sex" to be a useful point of reference. People who buy jerk off manuals and make love to sandwich bags would understand this better if you said, "this feels a lot like stealing breast milk, but on your lap."

It was about halfway into this sentence about pulling your pubic hair into a fuckable cocoon where I realized this might not be a book for people who still have hope for traditional sex. How to Masturbation in 40 Ways is for cave perverts trying to outsmart their urges by growing their own ejaculation nest.

Hey, hold on. If slapping your dick around in the faucet counts as masturbation, we already did this one when we fucked the sink during Scrub with furniture style. You can't just turn the water on while you're fucking a sink and say, "This counts as a different thing." It'd be like swinging your dick to the side so your balls are under the water and saying, "This also counts as a different thing!"

"Swing your dick to the side so your balls are under the water. This counts as a different thing," says Vincent V..

I'm not sure it's a sign of great genius or great stupidity that it took this masturbation author thirty entries before he remembered you can hump your pillows.

Whatever Frog in a coconut shell style is, it doesn't sound like we're supposed to like it.

I never thought I'd say this, but while I'm bashing my dick and balls into glass I kind of miss Frog in a coconut shell style. I let the nostalgia wash over me like a breeze carrying the sound of bells being played by a distant penis.

"Use the hand not restraining the penis to peel the flesh from it!" shrieks masturbation expert Vincent V.. "What will it take to defeat you!?" he whispers to your penis. "There is not a single cirble in here I haven't scrubbed," it whispers back.

Search item style is classic showmanship, a stat not often invested in by lonely masturbators. I still don't speak whatever language this is, but if I'm understanding Vincent V. correctly, Search item style is when you masturbate under your leg like a cool frisbee catch. If you were at the NBA All Star Weekend, this is the kind of masturbation Jaylen Brown would need to pull off if Mac McClung just jerked off over Shaq.

In this naughty squatty you either "draw your dick" or "shape your hip,"

but ask your doctor please

if you have bad knees,

because he seems to think

you should just fuck the sink.

I'm not sure what happened, but it sure happened quick,

just undone your zip and bring it on with your dick.

You're welcome again, future Othello productions.

This is how Vincent V. says "the end." He teaches you a secret, painful poking technique to turn the skin of your penis into an unbreakable shell for her pleasure then leaves without saying goodbye. Which means this article is, as of this very sentence, 347 words longer than How to Masturbation in 40 Ways. Or 354 if you count this: goodbye!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Eric Christian Berg, who knows it doesn't matter if it's by an inch or a mile, just undone your zip then bring it on with your dick.

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