Nerding Day: Dial H For Hero

In the 1960s, a child could find a flamethrower in his deceased uncle's storage shed and become a superhero. He's Flame Thrower Boy now! Jimmy Heat died when he inherited the title from his uncle, who died way less metaphorically in a terrible fire! That is essentially the origin story of Robby Reed, the child superhero in Dial H For Hero.

Robby fell into a cave where he found a magical rotary phone dial that turns him into a superhero when he dials the word hero. He stole some space garbage, and now he uses it to fight crime. He doesn't get to pick which superpowers he has, though; it's just random. Maybe, perhaps, an adult could find the setting that allows you to just be Superman, but Robby Reed isn't going to ask for help and get grounded for fist-fighting the devil with the powers of human starfish, tugboat arms or pelican army, and only a handful of nerds alive know if I'm making those up*.

* I'm not.

Robby doesn't have one superhero name. He often becomes several heroes in one comic, and each one is given a new name based on their powers. Are they good names? No. They're names like King Kandy, Mighty Moppet, and, oh yeah, The Human Starfish. The dial is more the star of the story than Robby. House Of Mystery is an anthology series that also frequently starred Martian Manhunter. So we're talking about a character who was the opening act for Martian Manhunter. Yikes.

If you're concerned about the child fighting supervillains, don't be. This issue he's taking on a man named Rainbow Raider whose power is rainbows. This isn't The Flash's nemesis Roy G. Bivolo, who also has rainbow powers and is named Rainbow Raider; this is a different, worse, guy. I'll let him explain.

Our villain's job title is inventive crime chief, which I guess is how you put "mob boss" on your LinkedIn profile. He, too, has stumbled on an artifact of enormous power, but at least he's tweaking it a little to make it his own. After being blasted with his ray, he has the ability to turn different colors, and each color gives him a different superpower. Why? I've given you as much information as I have. Don't ask questions. Just watch this man be gay and do crimes.

The Rainbow Raider's master plan is to commit seven crimes that net him a million dollars each, enough money to buy a house in L.A. maybe, but it was a lot of money in 1966. Plus, it was very on theme, which was more important to our inventive crime chief. Who can stop this man with mystery crystal powers? Only a child with mystery rotary phone powers. Let's hope he gets a good spin on the power roulette wheel this ti– oh, no. Oh, shit.

Balloon Boy Vs. Rainbow Raider does seem like a fair fight. It's tough that the hero dial not only gets to pick Robby's powers, but also his costume, and it sucks at that job too. If you're going to make him be Balloon Boy, don't proudly put double b's on his chest. It looks like he's advertising his bra size. Come on, hero dial, you nerd!

We should probably also address the fact that Robby's catchphrase was sockamagee. I guess every other possible combination of letters in the human language was taken. Dial H For Hero was created at a time when all boy adventurers needed a dumb thing to yell while adventuring, and somehow, we landed on sockamagee for Robby. Hasn't this child been through enough?

Robby as Balloon Boy descends upon the robbers from the sky, and they are surprisingly not intimidated at all by the menacing presence of a boy whose power is balloon. What is he going to do? Waft away with them on a gentle breeze? People love that shit. Robby has not thought about this, and also, The Rainbow Raider has turned yellow, which means his power is now draining power from stuff, including electric fences and round boys.

So Robby couldn't even drift slowly away if he tried. His only chance is to change back into Robby and gaslight The Rainbow Raiders henchmen.

They fell for it! The child ridiculed them into stopping their hunt for Balloon Boy. "Who would believe in a Ballon Boy?" He asked. Only a whimsical idiot would hunt for such a thing. Go frolic in yonder field, you muppets. Robby is safe, but The Rainbow Raider and his two much more threatening henchmen with regular guns are still on the loose.

Robby needs to change into another hero, and fast. Unfortunately, he's thwarted by his number one nemesis, the fact that his dial sometimes doesn't work right away. Sometimes you have to blow on it like a video game cartridge. The mysteries of this advanced alien technology are many, and stupid.

Robby has to take a bus to the scene of the next crime. The dial didn't provide a Batmobile or even a driver's license. We cut from our hero waiting for the bus to an ad for an all Clark Kent issue of Superman. This is not a bit. If you're reading this comic, DC thinks you're the kind of person who probably thinks Superman sucks shit but would love to know more about what mild-mannered reporter Clark Kent is up to.

Robot Clark Kent? Fireman Clark Kent? Caveman Clark Kent!? No Clark Kent!? They thought of all of 'em!

Now that the dial has had its midday siesta, it's ready to go again. This time Robby becomes Muscle Man, a jungle hunk, sockamagee! This seems like it would be a way more helpful hero than Balloon Boy, but honestly, I think Balloon Boy did better. A now green Rainbow Raider uses a slowdown ray and some poison gas to nearly kill Muscle Man. At least Balloon Boy ran away real fast. Muscle Man only barely manages to live. At this point, I think we should just let the villain be gay and do crimes. He seems happy, and he's only stealing from rich people anyway, which, fun fact, doesn't count.

Muscle Man manages to crack a window and save his life, but so much time has passed that he's fairly certain The Rainbow Raider has already committed his blue and indigo crimes. Before he left, he villain monologued about how his final crime would be nabbing a golden idol. Muscle Man can't fly, so Robby decides to take another spin on the dial and see if he can get a hero who doesn't have to take the bus to crime.

Why does the dial make every superhero wear a onesie? Anyway, Radar-Sonar Man first forgets how to see, then flies to the site of the giant golden statue where The Rainbow Raider is there and looking violet as hell.

Violet obviously means he's able to shrink things, like, for instance, cops, or a giant golden statue, down to travel size. Radar-Sonar Man is about to fight him when he suddenly pulls out his ace in the hole, the final, secret color of the rainbow– invisible!

Luckily, Radar-Sonar man doesn't need sight to kick The Rainbow Raider's ass. The dial has finally picked the perfect superpower on only the third try! It's almost too good to be a coincidence but also not good enough at all.

Since the guards can't see the Rainbow Raider, they won't accept this gift of nothing from an eyeless space thing in a onesie and Flavor Flav clock, so Robby has to stand around awkwardly, waiting for The Rainbow Raider's powers to fade. You can really see how people of this era thought that technology would be crappy and slow forever. Even if aliens could create a magic superhero dial, or a genius could invent a rainbow death ray, they couldn't possibly imagine these things without glitches or wait times. That was too unbelievable.

We end the story with Robby gazing upon the wonder of a peaceful rainbow, which I think is to reassure the reader Robby doesn't have rainbow PTSD from the time he battled the danger rainbow. "Don't worry, no children were harmed in the making of this comic" is basically what this final panel is trying to say. Can you really come up with the catchphrase "Sockamagee" without having some level of brain damage, though? Sockamagee, the end. Actually, maybe we should check out the next story in the comic, "Marco Xavier, Martian Manhunter's Ally!"

Nah, I think we're good. Sockamagee, the end again!

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Autumn Armstrong-Berg, whose crime storm will never end, no matter how many rainbows you see.

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