Fucking Day: 200 Proven Ways and Places to PICK UP GIRLS!

Pick-up artist books are the best. The authors are always an impossible combination of stupid and condescending. They explain how to hunt women as if they're confused, easily tricked animals, but for an audience who in their very loins know that's not true. They never tell you how to fuck well because that's not the point, and you probably won't, so in the end these books end up being instruction manuals on how to act human when greeting strangers, written by psychopaths for the lonely. Oh no, when I put it like that it sounds sad.

I usually cover my favorite chick hound author, Don Diebel, who has written and rewritten the same book on making your virginity society's problem since the '80s. Today we're looking at an all-new author, average-looking Steve Pell. I don't know if that's an insult or a compliment. Those are his words. He doesn't include a photo in either of his books, and he literally credits himself as "AVERAGE-LOOKING STEVE PELL."

In 2002, average-looking Steve Pell published 200 Proven Ways and Places to … PICK UP GIRLS! By an AVERAGE LOOKING GUY Who Has Dated Well Over 2000 Women Over 100 Women Interviewed Tell How They Can Be Picked Up. Most of the words in that very long title are a lie, but we'll get to it.

The book, 2PWAPT…PUGBAALGWHDWO2WO1WITHTCBPU, was self-funded through a now defunct predatory vanity publisher called 1st Books Library, probably because Steve was not a proven author. In fact, his main qualification was telling people, "I have dated over 2000 women in my lifetime."

2000 women is… hold on a second. I have something important to say before we start.

Okay, 2000 women is a nonsense statistic, a childlike lie. Those are Mötley Crüe numbers. Assuming you took weekends off, that would mean meeting a woman and booking a date with her every day for eight years, and somehow never, after eight record-shattering years, fucking a woman who wanted to do it a second time. And yet average-looking Steve dedicated his book to those women:

Average-looking Steve opens by saying, "Dear faceless objects who definitely don't exist, you mean more to me than anything I have in my life." Also, average-looking Steve, I notice the 2000 women have now been "slept with" instead of only "dated." Those words are not interchangeable in this context. All I'm saying is it's suspicious to change foundational details while we're still doing the origin story. You can't be like, "slept with, or talked to, looked at, read about, whatever… the 2000 of them is the important part, guys."

Yeah, average-looking Steve, most people find it hard to believe you slept with 2000 women. If you showed most people 2000 pictures of you sleeping with women they would find it hard to believe. It is simply not possible to believe, and that's before you make it much, much less possible with the time scale of your origin story. What's it called again? "STEVE PELL by Steve Pell"? I love it. Let's take a look:

Average-looking Steve begins with a story about him being the most popular boy in high school who made a pact with his best friend, the second most popular boy, to never go steady with any girl yet still date as many as possible. The age the author claims to be puts him in high school in the early '80s, an unfortunate time to come up with the idea of "let's fuck everybody." And as you might imagine, trying to bang everyone in a closed community where everyone can see and talk about what you're doing did not go well. So average-looking Steve graduated with a crushing loneliness and asked a random friend from his past to marry him. She said, sure, some day.

He joined the air force, which went about as well as his high school poontang rampage, and the wedding never happened. So in his own words, he's 21-years-old, and by my count he is already at 1 women dated, and maybe 0 women slept with.

Next, he… oh my god. Average-looking Steve goes on a long time. Let's skip through some of this…

Okay, here's what we know: average-looking Steve is crushingly boring. He worked at a shoe store and sold carbon paper. This must have been hard since carbon paper had already been obsolete several years before he took the job, but when 2000 women won't return your phone calls the lonely nights can stretch into decades. I'm sure he's not a much older man writing a fake biography. After all, this is the story of a guy who never found success and brags about leering at women. Who would invent a biography this sad, pathetic, and dull? A madman!? Driven insane by horniness!? Absurd.

Anyway, after reading all eleven pages of "STEVE PELL by Steve Pell," I crunched the numbers, and being very generous, we still have about 1997 of the 2000 "dated" women unaccounted for.

So after fifteen pages of dedications and backstory, average-looking Steve is explaining how books work. And his explanation is "the first part is to get you ready for the second part." I have to be honest, average-looking Steve, it seems like you're stalling.

Lock the door and gather pictures of women? Are you trying to… average-looking Steve, what are you doing here, buddy? Is this a technical manual for picking up babes? Because it sounds like you think we're about to jerk off and call it a night. Is this what you think "dating" is? Did we fucking solve the puzzle of you before we left the fucking introduction*?

* No.

Earlier, you might have thought I was doing a bit when I said that giant wall of text was the official title of the book, but it really is. The top of every odd-numbered page prints the book's title, and it's:

Over 200 Proven Ways and Places to PICK UP GIRLS By an Average-

Looking Guy

Over 100 Women Interviewed Tell How They Can Be Picked Up

There are no rules against having 26 words in the name of your book, but it does suggest that in addition to never having sex with a woman, the author of this woman-catching book may have also never read a book.

So it looks like "Getting You Ready for Part Two" is mostly a pep talk. Average-looking Steve has talked to women, and they all conclude: average-looking guys are not only the smartest and wealthiest, they have the most imagination and climaxes hold on, what was that third one? They have the most imagination? That's a weird compliment for a group of real women to agree on. I'm sure it's nothing.

Oh, average-looking Steve. I'm not sure anyone has ever accidentally confessed as hard as this. I'm starting to think you are not a 39-year-old fuckmaster, but an elderly virgin who grew up in a time before pornography. And this is not a wild guess. I'm basing this on how your first bit of dating advice is to imagine having someone in your life, if only for one night. Which isn't wisdom. That's a grandpa trying to remember a Rod Stewart song.

And to be clear, this is Steve's endgame, not a technique. You're not sexually fantasizing about a stranger to gain a psychological edge on her when you finally introduce yourself, like how disarming I will be when I meet Salma Hayek. Steve, this is advice on how to jerk off to girls you saw, and you did not need to invent that.

We're still in Part One, getting you ready for Part Two, so we need to go over "SPENDING TIME ALONE." Like we did before, and before that, what you want to do is get alone, and think about women. And look, writing can be hard. Especially when you've chosen to write as an expert on something as broad as the most ordinary thing possible. Even with real things, a lot of "self-taught" "experts" don't know they don't know anything until they try to share the secrets of their success. "Do what I, average-looking Steve, did! Be alone and wish women were there! And with my help, you can too!"

Average-looking Steve knows you're not always going to have time to decide if someone would be a good fit for you romantically before you desperately ask her out. He is a grovel for sex first, look at the woman later kind of guy. But! If you are lucky enough to have time to look at a woman before your rejection, try to size her up. Can you tell if she's smart? Is she wearing a bra? If you decide she isn't, congratulations. You've just taken your relationship with this woman to its completion. Another notch on your bedpost, average-looking Steve style! So let's see, we covered being alone, masturbation, masturbating alone, watching strangers and their boobs. What else… what else… oh!

W-weather! It's… listen, there's no rush. Maybe it's better to wait until these clouds clear up before we ask anyone out. I'm seduction expert and 2000 woman-fucker, average-looking Steve Pell, and I'm n-not stalling! I love t-talking to ba– to all the babes!

Before we begin our very tested and extremely successful ideas for picking up girls, have you considered keeping a diary? I hate this advice because it suggests there's a cursed notebook out there filled with entries like…

"June 10th: sat at bus station for six hours and a wife said hi (yes-bra) on way to bathroom (ANOTHER SECOND BASE)."

"June 11th: did not get the above average-looking Chipotle cashier (yes-bra) but I imagined I did, and then pictured sex. (3 STARS (OUT OF 5) DATE)"

"June 11th: woke up with guesses for her name to try tomorrow. Sherry? Karen? I hope no-bra."

"June 11th: I woke up and hoped no-bra again."

Average-looking Steve is now just describing average-looking Steve's worst traits to us. I know he can't make a boring job sound exciting because I watched him fail at it for eleven pages. And what is this goddamn advice? "Think a lot about women and the fantastic times you can have with them?" What? "I worked at a shoe store" doesn't become a great story if you say, "I worked at a shoe store and masturbated more than you'd think. No, listen. This place had a guy in it who jerked off all the time– me. I have a million stories like that."

So, God help you, you are now armed with all of Steve's tools to go out in the world and pick up girls. Let's move on to Part Two: PICK UPS.

Let's start with an easy one– just women wandering around outside, available and vulnerable, hoping each passing car is the one with a single man in it. Mostly nude, if you're lucky. I'm not sure what this means, but in trying to imagine the most basic idea of a woman, average-looking Steve seems to have described "Worried Prostitute (uncredited)" from any crime procedural.

So when you drive past these slow street girls with revealing clothing and darting eyes, you can't hesitate. Average-looking Steve says you'll lose them if you circle the block too many times. No really, he says that. He suggests screaming out the window at them until they get in your car, presumably for the night of their lives, and that's enough, right? We're done. I've proven my point. This person has never, fucking ever, met or kissed a girl. What a frivolous endeavor it would be to look at these other many examples from his book:

Average-looking Steve thinks you can tell when a girl reading a book wants to stop reading and fuck because the book will have something about sex in the title. There's not a nice way to put this, because that's the kind of thing a dumb fucking idiot might think. Is she reading Wet Stories For Dentist Waiting Room Tramps? Then you're in. But if she's reading Stuck Up Farters or a biography of Yemil Vaginosnap, the inventor of the penis clamp? Try another babe, pal!

Most of average-looking Steve's advice can be summed up with "try to bang every single woman you come across at all times." He got this idea when he was looking for an apartment and after meeting with several women, realized some landlords were women. He decided, right there and then, to try to have sex with them. And here's what's crazy– he claims it worked!

Despite his ordinary looks and outrageous lack of charm, our author met a landlord and immediately threw her on the carpet and fucked her flesh off, laughing hysterically during and after. And then, like all people who did real things that happened, he said "I hope this true story helped you."

Helped me!? Helped me what? Avoid rug burns on my balls? Yes, exactly that? Okay!

I don't know if he got the apartment, because average-looking Steve thinks adding details to a lie makes it more believable, but never adds the right ones.

Every woman reading this just gasped. The idea of a pussy vagrant flagging down drivers with a sign is such an unthinkable start to a relationship that most people seeing it wouldn't consider a second motive other than murder. At best, at best, you would think this man was hoping for the aluminum cans in your car. No woman has ever said, "Oh, if only that sign said FREE UNWANTED PENIS rather than AUTO PARTS SALE."

Every woman reading this just gasped again. Taking an ad out in the paper for kidnapping victims is not a seduction tip. That's how the No Trace Lady Strangler taunts police.

Some of these tips are more like anecdotes. "RELIGIOUS GIRL–PICK UP" is a believable, long, and believable story about a woman in a cult who, after months, agreed to have sex with average-looking Steve if he pledged his life to her and her religion. It's definitely, definitely the kind of move you'd expect from someone who, by my math, would now have to sleep with a new woman every 9 hours (and then never again) to get back on pace to reach 2000 sex partners by age 39.

Fellas, you know the best part of pious girls? Their leaders will tell them to sleep with you to get you to convert to their religion. And here's the best part– when you're done all you have to do is betray them and their God. I do it all the time, I hope this true story helped you.

So next time a "Religious Girl" asks you to have sex, give it a shot! But not every hookup will be as easy as a hot girl seducing you under orders of the Pope and then forgetting about you. Let's talk about something more advanced. The complicated dynamics of a throuple.

Average-looking Steve pretty clearly doesn't know what sex is or what path a person might take to get to it. He has almost word-for-word said his romantic life is entirely imaginary. So the fantasy of having not just one fucking, but two fuckings at the same time, is so profoundly otherworldly it has crystallized into something beyond description in his mind. He imagines it's not merely the sexual thrill, but the spiritual bond a threesome shares… the life-changing post coital conversations! Dear God, threesomes are so beautiful… they simply must be if average-looking Steve yearns for them so!

He claims he's done this "at least fifty times" which again, is a stupid number which goes beyond the confines of sexual conquest. If you've had this much group sex, you're in a weird fetish community and you'd be writing a book on getting rid of adult diaper rash, not begging girls to get in your car. But here's a special treat. It's average-looking Steve Pell, with no sexual experience or people skills, trying to picture how a person might really have sex with two girls at the same time:

First, you start a psychological campaign to convince both women you're dating that you like them equally. If you do like one more, you must not show it (his italics, not mine). Then, you invite them over to your house at the same time and start groping them. Trust him, he's done this over fifty times (my italics that time). The next step is to turn the lights down, but off is better because, and this next part is key, you keep groping them. I'm not saying it wouldn't work. I'm only saying there can never be seduction advice dumber or more basic than this. The moment you hear about the idea of having sex with two women at the same time, this would be your first try at imagining it.

You're not going to believe this, but average-looking Steve came up with the idea of claiming to be a photographer and asking to take nude pictures of women. It takes him three pages to explain this idea.

Average-looking Steve doesn't mention having any kids, but he does suggest going to parent-teacher conferences to see if anyone there is interested in sex. I mean, it's worth a shot. Divorced mothers love a childless stranger lurking in their kid's classroom, and nothing gets a lady hotter than staying late at her job at the elementary school.

Most guys don't know this, but the key to picking up a big busted girl is not mentioning her boobs. Talk about anything else, like her honkers or boobs. Her ba-boing, boobs! This is harder than I thought it'd boobs.

Average-looking Steve claims to have interviewed hundreds of women for this book, which may be another lie, because if you asked 100 women the kind of guy they're looking for, fewer than zero of them would say, "Unsolicited Advice Stranger." Average-looking Steve probably got confused when all of them put "GAS STATION" as their favorite place to meet men. Not everyone is great at analyzing data.

This next story never happened much harder than any event could conceivably never happen, but I think we can learn a lot from it.

You might be too young to remember this, but before we had podcasts, people stuck in traffic would have to pass the time by watching the woman in the car in front of them abandon her vehicle to have sex with a stranger in the other car in front of them. I'm not sure what readers of

Over 200 Proven Ways and Places to PICK UP GIRLS By an Average-

Looking Guy

Over 100 Women Interviewed Tell How They Can Be Picked Up

are meant to take from this. Ask all women for sex, all the time, at any cost to your dignity and their comfort on the outside chance they're insane? Sure, for sure, yes. Average-looking Steve makes this point many times. But something about this fantasy became extra real to him. Instead of assuring you it was true, and turning it into a useful lesson about rug burns, he ends it like this:

He's calling out for the imaginary woman he fucked in front of that traffic jam all those years ago. He thinks First Name Judy(?) might remember this unspeakable act of public depravity, and maybe, possibly, all these years later, gone into a store and bought the self-published book unavailable in stores called

Over 200 Proven Ways and Places to PICK UP GIRLS By an Average-

Looking Guy

Over 100 Women Interviewed Tell How They Can Be Picked Up

! This is going to sound nuts, but I doubt Judy did that more than I doubt she exists.

Here's an easy seduction tip anyone can do. Step one is getting a job at a shoe store. Step two is grope ladies. Wait! Wait! Hear average-looking Steve out! As you grope more and more women, you'll start to get a feel for how close you can get to their genitals before there's a problem. And here's a hot tip for you keen-eyed foot-gropers– look for the ones with exposed vulva. In the seduction community, we call these ladies "panty-less." Okay, I'm worried I'm taking average-looking Steve out of context. Here's more of his SHOE SALESMAN tip:

See, with the full context you see he's not a sex criminal. He's simply picking up on the subtle signals given off by the customers who wrap their legs around a shoe salesman's face. Average-looking Steve is dancing the delicate dance of seduction where you ask a Foot Locker if anyone wants to get filled with shoe salesman semen in a closet.

Wait a minute. Hold on. I've only ever seen the advice "try to put your fingers in a hitchhiker" two other places– a Don Diebel book about picking up women and a Don Diebel book about picking up men, which was a near-exact reprint of his first book with the pronouns swapped. So basically only one other place. And Don Diebel does have a history of writing books under fake names. He published How to Pick Up Topless Dancers under the name Derek Evans. Could this be…? No. Ridiculous. This isn't… no. But to make sure, let's check what Don Diebel said about picking up hitchhikers in The Complete Guide to Meeting Women:

Okay, totally different. This can't be Don Diebel. Don would never do this much of a rewrite. And why put together an eleven page biography of sad foot creep and toner salesman, average-looking Steve? Plus, Diebel gives advice like "lure topless dancers into your home with cocaine" or "let your date resuscitate your dog." He wouldn't include a warning like this in his hitchhiker seducing advice:

Average-looking Steve will, reluctantly, turn down the sex being offered by the minor he's transporting across state lines. I don't think that would occur to Don Diebel. So false alarm. This is not Don Diebel. Let's get back to average-looking Steve's advice. Here's a fun one:

For real casanovas only! Follow a girl around the bank until you can get a look at the name and number on her checkbook! Call her up and say something like, "Hi, I'm Steve! I got your number from behind you. I was in the shadows just outside your perception a lot of the day. I'm already in your home if you aren't busy and moist."

"Hi, there was a woman in front of me and I didn't quite catch the name on her deposit slip. Could you give it to me, sweetheart? I did manage to get her phone number, so I could call the two of you to my place tonight for some groping followed by some very dark groping."

This combines every woman's love of junk mail and her passion for lunging middle-aged gropers in one terrific plan! And you can go ahead and leave "the type of guy you are" section blank, because when you're handing out flyers begging for holes, any kind of holes, the woman who finds this under her windshield wiper already knows what kind of guy you are.

H-holy fuck. No. No, average-looking Steve, you can't open the phone book and send fucking form letters to the names that sound like unmarried girls! I promise I'm not setting up a bit when I say, "What's next? Writing 'PLEASE HAVE SEX WITH ME' on a shirt and just walking around in it?"

I lied. It was a bit.

His idea is "an ad on the bus. For you, a human man." You know, now might be a good time to reevaluate average-looking Steve's failure. Picture the lifestyle we were being sold earlier– the expert seduction techniques to get thousands of girls, many of them simultaneous. It's hard not to imagine them as sexy, playful, vibrant women. Now picture the kind of person on a morning bus who really resonates with the message "PLEASE I'M SO ALONE" and calls the number under 70 hand-drawn dicks. At best, at best, that person looks like Battle Damage Mossman. And yes, Battle Damage Mossman deserves love, but not like this.

"Tired of waking up alone? Why not t-turn to me, average-looking Steve. I do not run a dating or escort service. I am a regular man begging for sex. The offer is brief contact with my penis, and it's free. Unattractive? Mossman with missing chunks? I am in no position to be choosy. Nor am I the first person to think of this. It's why only a few radio stations will let you do it. If I start to scream, you'll cut it, right? aaAIIIIEEEe eeeeEEEeeE EEE EE EEeeEEE eee EEEEEEEEE!!"

Okay, I think that's enough legacy media advertising of your loneliness, average-looking Steve.

Read an out-of-town newspaper? What the fuck? Is this why all your ideas are to promote your dick like it's a new Chinese restaurant?

Another goddamn newspaper o– oh fuck. Oh fuck no. I recognize this. I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE!

This is Don Diebel! This has been Don Diebel the whole book! He published this newspaper advice on his blog! And his automated blog software illustrated it with a graphic it pulled from an article I wrote making fun of him! This is glorious. What a day! What a glorious day!

I mean, I'm not crazy. It has to be him, right? He shoved the words around, but no second person would say "here's a tip for picking up chicks: read your local paper to become a better conversationalist!" There's no way this is a completely different horny newspaper fan. Still, I feel like I need more proof. Maybe if I could find a seduction tip where average-looking Steve slips up and reveals he's much older than 39?

Hi, Don.

Ha ha you insane old man did you tell your readers to CHECK THE BATHROOM WALL OF PORNO THEATERS TO PROVE WOMEN GO THERE!? Twenty years after they went extinct!? You fucking deranged maniac!

Always correct and brilliant, Don Diebel has his pervert finger right on the pulse of 1972.

Anyone who's been to a fraternity knows they love it when old men show up in their house at two in the morning to see if they can have any of their girls. This is not how you pick up women. This is how you give some hero the lifelong nickname Creep Stomper.

Don's advice is to tie your name to fifty balloons and cast your virginity upon the wind. And he's done this more than once because he's learned you need helium for the plan to work. It's plans like this that made me change my opinion of him. Because I used to think of him as "horny," but this is not the act of a man with intentions of sex. This is the impulse of a man so beyond lonely he has given up on the idea of ever fucking again. It's not merely hopeless– any woman who sees or hears about these balloons will spend the rest of their life more afraid of the limitless desperation of men. What I'm trying to say is this is a pick up idea so bad it actually removes sex from the world. Again: glorious.

Here's a way to make your next trip to the doctor's office more erotic: imagine there was a girl there who might want to be with you! This pick up tip is nice because there doesn't even need to be a real person. You're fantasizing about there being someone to fantasize about. I'd argue this is as close to nothing as words can be. You came to this man for seduction advice and he told you, "I once wished I saw a woman at the dentist. You could try that."

Have you tried looking up the location of girls' colleges at your local library? Can you hear yourself, Don? When you're this destitute, this alone, why not just hit 0 on your phone and ask the operator for sex?

Oh no, Don. I was kidding.

This is it. This is the worst advice, and the least amount of effort you can make. I promise I'm not doing a bit when I say the only thing sadder than this would be to sit by the phone and offer your penis to wrong numbers.

I lied again. It was a bit! Don tells you to do exactly that!

I don't think it counts as a new sex tip when all you do is change the shape of the paper on which you write "PENIS FOR SALE, NEVER USED. (SEE OTHER SIDE FOR PRICING)

IT'S FREE, THE PENIS IS FREE."

"Some 'novelty advertising' companies may print messages on anything from frisbees to coin purses! If so, you're in luck! Fucking a coin purse counts if it has a woman's name on it! You'll be saying, 'Keep the change, Sherry or maybe Karen!'"

Stop trying to hide from it, ladies. You love miniature golf. And that's all the opening Don Diebel needs.

A lot of guys stare at women from far away. It's a classic mistake. What you want to try is "NEAR WOMEN." It's complicated, but I'll see if I can explain it. Move closer to them in places such as restaurants, and maybe I'm a genius because I've already perfectly explained it. At the time of publication, Don had been thinking about and writing on this subject for over twenty years. He was trying to build a name. This book is embarrassing and depressing, but there's no way he could know that. So why did he decide to create a whole new identity for this book?

Oh my god, what? Is this why? What the fuck, Don. Picking up your sister is a strange, suspicious, troubling way to rate sexual confidence, Don.

Oh no. P-pass!

One of the problems with Diebel's mind is that every location and event causes him to think, "what if there were girls there!?" And there's no second part of his mind to think, "Yeah, probably. That's not a whole idea, though." This is trash. A look inside the mind of a confused beetle bashing itself to death against an alluring beer bottle. The best Don Diebel ideas are when he's scheming. Like hiding by a rack of Playgirl magazines until a girl opens one, and then jumping out to say, "I was asked to pose in that magazine!" I promise that's not a real example, I'm not doing a bit where the next pick up tip is to tell a lady reading Playgirl magazine you were almost in Playgirl magazine.

I lied again. I also couldn't find any flaws in this scheme. This will work. Any mastermind able to set up these dominoes will absolutely get them to fall right on his boner. This rules. Let's do some more old timey scheme ones.

Oh, hell yeah. This requires a pay phone, a stranger immediately willing to be an accessory to murder for free, and a woman with no sense of danger. She picks up the pay phone, presumably 30 or 40 years ago, and you tell her she doesn't know you, but not to worry because your intentions are only sex (for now). Don't say the "for now" part out loud, that's your little secret. Women love mystery, and this one just found out she's being watched!

Most men don't have all these secrets for getting girls, and yet some of them still have girls. If you run into a rare girl like this, she's what's known in the business as "GIRL WITH ANOTHER GUY." Don't worry, you can still pick her up using this simple approach. Wait for her to go to the bathroom and then chase her in and ask her to be with you instead! No commitment is strong enough to resist the lonely guy from all those bus ads and solicitation balloons barging into your stall while you pee.

Here's a cute trick you can try– follow her into an elevator! This approach won't work very often, and that's coming from a guy who thinks you can lurk in an adult book store waiting for just the right lady to flip through the porno magazines. No, seriously, Don Diebel thinks you might be able to score with the lady connecting your collect call, so if he says something has a low chance of success, believe him.

Don Diebel is a cowardly swindler, but a manly one, so if a scheme is too effeminate, he will attribute it to a friend, or a guy he knows. For instance, going up to a woman in a restaurant and crying louder and louder until she notices– he knows a guy who does that.

If you thought there'd be a limit, there isn't. Don Diebel's scheme here, I'm sorry, a-guy-he-knows' scheme, is to successfully pick up a woman, then tell her he's gay, then tell her the only way she can cure his gay is to have sex with him. A seventh grader could have told him this wouldn't work. Someone generating AI art could have told him this was pretty gross. It's like he thinks we're all living with him in a Saved by the Bell porn parody he wrote. He's a small boy whispering to a smaller boy, "Pretend to pass out and maybe a lifeguard will give you mouth-to-mouth!"

Of course that was a real one! And yet despite all this, I'm worried you're not going to believe me when I say his other tips include…

… just fucking trailing a woman in the park…

… sitting by women on the bus…

… waiting for women at the bus stop…

… waiting for women at the bus station…

… asking truckers if they know anyone who does mouth stuff…

… hoping you beat the other murderers to the ladies at the rest stop…

… asking if you can upgrade from a hatchback to fucking when you rent a car…

… dog show or cat show, but mostly cat show…

… and waiting for women at the bus stop (From Your Car). Don says you can drive around to different spots and "try this approach as many as 20 times in an hour." Diebel's advice is almost always to be the man all women are trained from childhood to fear, and for the exact reason they fear him. In fact, a lot of his advice is to invade female spaces and ask if anyone there is missing a creepy old man's dick. You're not going to believe this, but I have some examples.

I guess when you've already seen his advice to cruise abortion clinics for loose babes, crashing a women's lib march to crush ass isn't as shocking. And now you have a tough decision to make. If I was to say he told readers to sneak into ladies rooms and put up stickers with his dick length and address, would you believe me?

Of course you would? You assumed he did this in every bathroom? Okay, fine. Then I guess "hang out in the lobby of a YWCA to pick up girls between the ages of 18 and 25" won't shock you either.

Honestly, I knew this one was coming and I was still a little shocked. Waiting in the lobby of a YWCA for unattended teens is a lazy joke about Don Diebel I would backspace. It is fucking crazy that it's real. It's one thing to deliver a bad pick up line or reduce human behavior down to body language like an idiot, but every single entry in

Over 200 Proven Ways and Places to PICK UP GIRLS By an Average-

Looking Guy

Over 100 Women Interviewed Tell How They Can Be Picked Up

is beyond any conceivable limit of creepy or wretched. Like, with so little to lose and so little hope, why not knock on random doors and see if anyone there wants to pork? That's a real question, not a bit!

I know I got you with that one. And I can do this all day. I could say, "Don Diebel thinks it's a seduction technique to run at a woman and shriek your best guess at her name," and you would have no idea if I was kidding.

I wasn't, maybe Sherry or Karen! Of course I wasn't!

Okay, bye. Nothing will top tha–

Holy fucking shit. THE END.

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Oh no, I thought it was over. What is this? There are still more of these? Is this, like, a bonus Diebel section? Why!?

Stop. People don't do this, Don. For so many reasons.

Don.

God damn it, Don. Okay, I need to find a way to stop this. I need the perfect Don Diebel sex tip. Which I guess would be "jerk off by yourself" mixed with "the newspaper".

Oh, there it is. Look at it. Glorious.

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