Fucking Day: Girl-Kart

I keep hearing folks talk about hi brow this and lo brow that which as far as I can tell means: feel bad if you don't like it and feel bad if you do, respectavely, and I guess I'm here to say that I couldent tell you which one is which this one is:

I only know that we'll all of us feel some kinda shame before we're done today but thats ok thats what were payin for. And this one is going to be a very straightforward review of a music video with NO DISTRACTIONS OR GETTING SIDETRACKED.

If you want to just listen to the song first, here ya go. I heard it alot on the radio and supposably the video was very popular but I dont ever remember seeing it. Which is confusion because as we will see it is not exactly forgettable. I have polled my various kiths and kins and only one of the older folks claims he saw it, which doesnt exactly unconvince me that a mischiefous but good-hearted deity somehow retroactively inserted it into the timeline to both befuddle and delight me.

Nobody I talked to would admit to ever hearin the b-side:

You might remember but probably not that we already introduced the Shes a Beauty video just a little while ago when we were learning about the cinema film Miracle Beach, and my brain just kept going back to thinking about it and wondering what exactly is going on here so I’m glad that we get to give it its do today, and especially that your with me today to hold my hand on this scary and bewilderness amusement park ride. Let’s Begin.

That is our guide and barker, he is the singer of the Tubes and his name his Fee Waybill. I dident believe it either but I can find no evidence that he is a alien even though my whole heart is telling me this is a Ford Prefect situation. One of my favorite sister-in-laws told me he has a radio show and I said what are you his biggest fan or something and then I felt bad because whos the one writing a whole thing about him?

There is the sign art for the “Ride The Beauty” carnival ride Fee is invitin us to all aboard which: that is just hectacres of creamy flesh and pretty allurin even by carnival art standards. Look, you can just see her oreolas out there in front of god and everybody! Its kinda a weird picture because it seems to suggest that somehow we’re actually going to be riding the beauty herself, like a woman is the cart for the ride haw ahahaw!

Oh i guess that wasent a hyperbully they made a black stallion pony woman into a cart with more than a hint of the vulval about it and then rode it between a giantesses legs what just SNAPPED shut before Fee could follow. But who is the fortunate fully-grown adult riding her into…

Oh it is a child actor who is doin a pretty good job of not looking at the director (who is probably hollerin “Keepdancinkeepdancin smile SMILE KEEP DANCIN!”) while sitting on a young actresses lap who: I wonder what she maybe felt and thought when was in bed falling asleep after this day of work.

But not just ANY child actor, that is Alexis Arquette! Yes those Arquettes, the super-group of entertainment siblings second only to the Baldwinses:

I know were not supposed to have favorite Arquettes but I think we can all agree that we’d put Alexis above Richmond. I mentioned last time that Alexis considered herself “gender suspicious” which I am just a big fan of that concept and Alexis was pretty fluid in the roles she took. Here’s one we probably all remember fondly:

Alexis it is important to know did not book this desirable music video role because of nepobabytism no she got it the ol’ fashion way:

Which honestly if I was a parent I might tell people that too after I saw the finished video. But maybe not! It seems likely the arquette family was purty accustomed to their kids having a weird day at work:

Now I wanted to maybe communicate this next part sort of subtly and indirectly but it turns out Im not smart enough to do that so I’ll just come out and say it direct so theres no misunderstandin: I am not suggestin bein this video was somehow like a causation factor about Alexis’ identity. All the lovely queer and trans and fluid and questionin folks i’ve talked with have helped me understand it just doesnt work like that. I thought of a perfect analogy: its like when LaRene thinks she could pin my lifetimes of toilet troubles on a single gas station deli item instead of a rich and varied combination of inputs and experiences and a whole lot of Born This Way. Why, that would be just super reductave and not very humble about the complexity of the mortal experience! You think i never had diarrheoa before they had Maveriks, LaRene!? So, it’s like that, but in a beautiful humanistic contexct.

Anyway, its sort of weird to think about now that MTV is just a wasteland of nothin, but this video makes me realize that there was once upon a time when it was a actual creative platform and people with some level of music fame could use it as such. And in some cases the rockstars apparently thought: this is the perfect venue for me to make a short film where I sing the story of my personal sexual development to a captive Arquette child.

You may recall the lyrics about how you can talk to a pretty girl and look but not touch but it will cost you a dollar first and this is because the song was based on Fee’s own real life experience:

And then he gets a little defensive:

Hm I dunno if the public will buy this Fee, maybe if you had a convincing story about why you WERE down in the underbelly that day?

That’s much better lets go with that.

Anyway its time to introduce you to the rest of the band:

We have a fancy sailor/cowboy who is realy good at ducking and then a Seargent Peppers, a drummer with no arms whose drums are boobs and then a organ fella with a pretty sweet fadeaway jumper. And then of course its Fee Waybill all up in your situation. If these fellas look familiar that is because they have also already been baptized into the 1900HOTDOG congregation, back when Lydia taught us how magical is Xanadu, The Tubes were the hard rock band that merged seamlessly into the big band band in a dazzlin demonstration of how pop music is pop music lets not let the decades or subgenres divide our hearts and minds. You remember the part, it’s when one man plays a zebra woman as a synthesizer and a woman plays drums piggyback on the drummer and another man plays a woman (possibly Mary Lou Retton?) like a guitar.

A stately pleasure-dome indeed. Folks, if you knew how i curst and wept that the universe and patreon allotts me a mere and only 10 seconds for a Xanadu edit. Honestly and quite possibly the most painful cuts Ive ever had to make. But then also here I am with a gig that pays me some money to do my favorite thing so thanks again for that.

Anway, not for nothin, but I kinda appreciate the recent evolution of colloquiale american english where we now say stuff is horny instead of sexy. “Sexy” implicationed me, the perceiver, as the source of the shameful uncleanliness, but “Horny” tells us that all of the lustsome energy is there in the object itself…

…and I remain a innocent looker-on…

…blameless…

…my chastity intact.

Whoa never mind that part did resonate with something internal. I cannot tell a lie, it’s sexy again.

Who’s behind this one anyway?

Holy shit it’s another hotdog meritus alumnae, the Canadian Quincy Jones; Mr. Northern-Lights-Tears-Are-Not-Enough himself, David Foster!

Uhn Doo Twa AND CAT!

Hold on Did you all feel that!? That kinda soulquake feeling!? Of delicious unease and destiny unfoldin? Thats because this The Tubes video just completed a energy connection with three other Hot Dog artifacts and powered up! Dont get too excited, i dont think its THE ur cursed artifact, the one that binds and connects all others across time and worlds, the towering dark weiner at the center of all worlds under which we all toil and struggle whether we know it or not. But it probly is one of the major guardians. Possibly on the level of a Shardik.

Anyway, focus up people, back to the Tubes film: were gonna skip past the mermaid who we caught masturbatin and she seemed a lil irritated but went right back to it and ask: how did this carnival and carnal comin-of-age journey end for our young dominatrix-jockey? I hope its like Black Stallion where child and mount form a bond that lets them achieve their dream of ultimate full speed freedom!

Ah,so its hibrow after all.

In the name of jesus christ amen.

This article was brought to you by our fine sponsor and Hot Dog Supreme: Ken Paisley.

You can read this article and every other one on the much better in every way 1900HOTDOG.COM