Fucking Day: Bagged by the Groceries

Listen, I think one of the great things about the Internet is whatever your extremely specific thing is, you can find erotica for it. I won’t ever say we’ve gone too far with our erotica because it’s amazing to see what the human mind will do. However, I feel like erotica writers have been at their breaking point recently. America is facing a water crisis, and sure, that’s important, but a more important resource we might have run out of is weird things to write about fucking.

This is a case study of one average erotica author, Fannie Tucker, who started out with pretty standard titles like First Time With A Circus Carney, Sex Crazed Werewolves, and of course, The Ghost Fucker Chronicles. These are all so normal one isn’t supernatural at all. It’s a regular profession. She might as well have written My First Time With Stan, Who Works For The State Of Iowa Parks Department In The Forestry Services Division. At some point, though, she ran out of normal mythical creatures and park department employees to bang, and this happened:

Now you might be wondering why the puppet on the cover is so weird looking, and I have to tell you that's definitely part of it. One of the reviews mentions the puppet's googly eyes rolling around as they fuck. Realism is a standard feature of a Fannie Tucker book. Take, for instance, her classic Garden Gnome Sex Party:

The woman has a gift for naming her books and her garden gnomes. You would think she would give the gnomes sexy names like Lucien Bonerhonk, or Chip Bonertown, but no, those aren't gnome names. These gnomes are named Bimpo, Fudwick, and Loopwyn, and yes, they utilize their hats in the exact way you would imagine. Fannie Tucker has a singular talent for seeing a thing and asking that age old question, "you know where that would fit?" Which is probably what began her journey to writing her most unique work, Bagged By The Groceries!.

It's not just the creativity of Bagged By The Groceries! that drew me to it. There is some genuinely good world building. Most erotic novels would shy away from mentioning Hurricane Katrina. Very few people get horny when they think about Hurricane Katrina, but it's a necessary topic of discussion to introduce this erotic novel about a woman who gets fucked by her groceries.

Ashley is a bored housewife who spent the afternoon buying groceries for her lawyer husband, Blake Dubois, a reasonably hot name, though Blake Duboner would be better. Ashley has a run in with a mysterious homeless woman outside of the grocery store who asks her for some of her groceries. Anyone who's read a Grimm's fairy tale knows not to deny a creepy old woman's request, but Ashley is uneducated. When she doesn't give the old woman any of her groceries, the book gives us this fantastic foreshadowing.

She already has the groceries, so at first, I wasn't sure what the mystical old woman could possibly mean. How could she have the groceries more? A deeper, more intimate knowledge of groceries didn't seem possible to me until the groceries became a hot man, and then I was like, oooooooh, right. This is an erotic novel about groceries. I get it.

Every woman dreams of the slap of ground beef against her torso. The weird little baby carrot fingers working through her hair. It's also got to have stubby little T. rex arms to hold her in because she can't have bought that many ears of corn. The groceries were supposed to be a meal for just two people, but as the description continues, you'll find yourself wondering exactly what this woman was planning to make for her husband because it seems like she bought almost exclusively cylindrical foods. "A tube boil," is probably the name for it.

She only specifies she was planning on making a bleu cheese wedge salad, the ingredients for which became the head of the grocery monster. Also, his tongue is deli ham, so she bought both hamburgers and ham? The mystery of this dinner may never be solved, but we quickly learn how the grocery monster came to be. He's actually Zaka, the loa of the harvest in the voodoo religion.

So, I guess the old woman has rewarded her for not sharing by sending a demi-god to have sex with her? Grimm's Fairy Tales taught me nothing? I'm the uneducated one? I guess it's time to go wander into the woods at night, disobey our elders, and be mean to our stepsisters, everyone! No birds are coming to peck our eyes out! It was all a lie! The penalty for betraying witches is ham sex! Like anyone, Ashley is psyched as hell to see this development in her sexy groceries, and we get an amazing call back to the foreshadowing from earlier.

In order to describe what happens next tastefully, I'll give you some carefully censored snippets of the hot vegetable actions. This is a classy website. I could say let your imagination run wild. You know what happens when a woman and a grocery monster fall in love, but I hope your imagination isn't this good. Fannie Tucker should be the only person allowed to bring these stories into our world.

Oh my, that's some graphic stuff. I wasn't expecting pelvic muscles to get brought into it. That's a pretty good knowledge of anatomy for a woman who's about to describe a cucumber cumming in a couple of pages. Fannie is not pulling any punches here.

I love that she can weave the produce into the sex in both a literal and metaphorical sense. Not only is Ashley having sex with a vegetable man but a lot of his movements are vegetable-like. It might not be sexy, but it's poetic, damn it. It's the most poetic ode to vegetables I've ever read. If Emily Dickinson were a little more freaky, she could have written this. It flows like Ralph Waldo Emerson if he fucked just a little bit more corn on the cob.

As the big finish approaches, you know we must revisit what I guess is the moral of this story? Yes, this is a sex book with the moral of "always be mean to homeless people." Ashley is rewarded for her brave disregard for human life by the ham-tongue of a god.

He does give her the groceries, and somehow that's not the end of the story or even the weirdest part! After they finish, Ashley and the grocery monster cuddle, and he tells her that she's fertile now and "the next man's seed will find purchase." So this whole thing was a fertility ritual of some kind? Serious question, guys. Is this how babies are made? Do you have to fuck the vegetable man and then your partner for it to work? Because the version of the stork I heard about growing up did not have nectarine balls.

Zaka then slowly dissolves back into a pile of groceries on the bed. This is pretty upsetting if you've formed an emotional bond with the grocery monster. He melts like the Wicked Witch Of The West as soon as he cums as if he's the one being punished. Justice for the grocery, man!

Ashley's flaky finance, Blake, returns home to find their bedroom covered in food debris. This shocks him at first, but some sort of leftover magic then instantly makes him horny. So Ashley prepares for round two, this time with her husband and on top of the remaining bits of her former lover.

At first, I thought it was weird that a pretty liberal erotic novel would end with an archaic idea like, "this woman had no meaning, for she was not yet a Mother, you see. Now she can be happy because she will be pregnant!" Then I realized this baby might be the punishment Ashley should have coming to her thematically. This story is a Rosemary's Baby, but instead of being the antichrist in nine months, Ashley's giving birth to an eggplant.

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