Fucking Day: 269 Amazing Sex Tips & Tricks For Her

269 Amazing SEX TIPS & TRICKS FOR HER by "happily unmarried" Anne Hooper and Phillip Hodson is a 2001 answer to the question, "Sehks? Where am sehks?" It's terrible at everything it goes for. When it tries to be a practical sex manual, it's more of a dildo catalog. And when it tries to be a beginner's guide for curious children, it has maybe 3000% too much erotic photography. And when it tries to be your life coach, it's more of a dildo catalog again.

More than ever this statement will seem ridiculous and impossible, but I have not edited or changed the order of these Amazing, EXPERT sex TIPS & TRICKS in any way.

You want to calibrate things as early as possible in a sex book. The act of making love can range from writing your wife poetry to sliding a pizza under her and legally dying from a chokehold. Here, the authors waste no time establishing their kink zone. Like everyone in 2001, they like gross sexual misconduct and pedestrian softcore scenes.

The authors started listing fantasies at #5 and only two entries later one of them suggested, "Would it be hot to you if your doctor fisted you during a pap smea-- no never mind, I don't know why I asked, of course that one is going in the book. Oh! What if you got passed around by a biker gang! Oh my god, I just thought of another: an evening with John Travolta, but ladies. I love this. Writing a sex book is so easy!"

There's no real barrier-to-entry when it comes to being a sex therapist, so it's also good to establish how fucking stupid the author is as early as possible in an erotic advice book. This entry, #10: sneak onto your partner's computer to mess with their settings and add pornography to it, is good at calibrating that. All you have to do is rate how sarcastic the next sentence sounds. Whenever I learn the person I'm dating got on my computer without asking, the first thing I think is, "Oh fuck yeah, our relationship is in a great place."

"Oh, sweetheart, you're brushing your tongue?"

- Some guy about to get his dick fucked off

Girls, keep an eye out for half of all time-- these are the best eras in which to have sex. Lovers in equatorial regions may want to use calendars or rainfall patterns as sexual aids. Don't let low temperature change trick you into missing these erotic seasonal windows.

Another very important thing to establish with a sex book is who the author thinks you are as a reader. Are you a confused veal cow seeing its genitals for the first time? A bored elderly wife? A corpse who died from virginity? Well, we are only at entry #35 and we've established the authors think you fuck by season, need help brushing your teeth, and want to get groped by your doctor. Now they assume you're the kind of person who buys sex books and also thinks blowjobs are yucky. And their idea on how to help you is covering that disgusting dick in ice cream. "You like ice cream," they tell you, word-for-word. Because you do. "Play around; eat an entire meal on that dick," they suggest. "Stack onion rings on it and try to finish before I do," I take them to mean.

In a book written by normal people this would go without saying, but the first rule of kissing is not to close your husband's throat with your tongue. And if you pee after you fall asleep, try to make sure there's no blood in it. In other words, hats are great as head tents, but don't hold as many penguins as submarines.

"#38: Breathe pure garlic," suggested Phillip, the sex book author, to his life partner Anne, the sex book author.

"Breathe pure garlic? I'm going to put that in just to show everyone how goddamn stupid you are," she replied.

"W-well, it's on the DON'T page," he offered as a limp defense.

Her fingers were already tapping it into the manuscript. "Everyone's going to see you don't know how to fuck," she carped.

He had one last ace to play. "Check the calendar, Anne. It's winter. It won't be fucking season for months." She slumped. She knew she was beaten, but it was too late. She had already emailed the pages to their publisher, AAA Books and Personalized Flying Discs by No Questions Frank.

I'm not leaving out an erotic list of foods that smell good when they're evacuated. Anne and Phillip's 45th sex tip really did begin and end with, "Try for smell good?"

This is an idea they revisit often. I'm not a psychotherapist like the authors of this book, but if you were listing sexual ideas with your lover and every fifth one was "stop smelling so fucking bad," I think I know what it reveals about you.

Every good book needs a plot twist. Let's forget about the personal hygiene, girls. Let him suck the ice cream and fungal infection out of your holes like you're an 18th century widow.

The section called GROOM HIS genitals spans two entries. One is about how shaving near a penis makes it, giggle, erect. The next one is about how shaving a penis removes the hair from it. We're only at entry #51, and already I feel like I'm watching a marathon runner get dragged the last 20 yards of a race after diarrhea shattered his legs. It's pathetic, but the right music might convince me it's inspirational. Knowing only the stale touch of their aging bodies, this couple sat down to write broad sex advice together. They each thought they invented the idea of shaving dicks, yet even after discovering that wasn't true, they printed both the ideas together on the same page. I think I'm proud of them for trying. In any other context, this struggle to overcome so many incapacities would be heroic. Why can't it be just as inspirational when the less fortunate tell us how to fuck?

You've learned the basics. You can kiss without any suffocation side effects and you know the secrets of grooming your genitals but also keeping them a little bit filthy. You're ready for some advanced techniques. Like predicting when your husband is about to cum and halting it by mashing his taint pressure points with a karate blow. It's great advice, and I have no notes, except this: if you do this to me, it's going to make me the opposite of not climax, my once and always favorite sex partner.

"Anne? Should we tell them what to do after they drink the hot tea? I mean, it's implied right? At this point, they don't need it all spelled out, do they? Okay, but I can't put it like that. It has to be fun and sexy, right? I can't just wri-- yes, I know the deadline is tonight and we have two hundred and one to g-- fine. Fine. APPLY MOUTH TO PENIS."

I mostly included this one for everyone curious about what the 69th sex tip was. It was "apply mouth to penis again." Treat your lover's penis like a back injury. At the risk of bringing you to full orgasm, rest that dick in your cold mouth, dirty girl.

"Phillip, honey? I'm working on the section we talked about called THE sensuous PENIS BATH? You liked it that time I scraped bacteria from your foreskin, right? It what? The soap hurt? Okay, I'll add that part in, thanks!"

If you're too focused on erotically cleaning underneath the foreskin, it's easy to forget the perineum and anal passage. Delicately lance his hemorrhoids using playful horse shears. If he can't breathe, you're kissing too deeply.

"I'm supposed to come up with an 84th thing about sex? I don't know, f-fill a condom with jelly? Just fill it up with sloppy jelly and... and squeeze it out with his dick? What? N-no, that's not the whole idea. You could... you could use warm jellies and also cold jellies! Oh, that's actually good. Let's call this section PhD IN penis pulling."

We're about a third through this book on amazing sex tricks, so let's talk about what you should do when they don't work. A woman from Bernadette has this idea-- when you're wrestling an orgasm out of a limp penis, try switching hands or giving up!

Earlier this book was explaining what kissing and toothbrushes were and now it assumes you've already heard the old adage "stick a finger up his butt" a million times.

Does this mean when a woman takes a crap on you she was having a terrible time? Wow, it's amazing how a great piece of writing can cause you to rethink everything you know.

Anne. Phillip. Authors of 269 Amazing SEX TIPS & TRICKS FOR HER. Let's assume for a minute I'm a woman in the market for second-hand racist sex advice. Let's also assume I am having a garlic-free scrotum shave with a man who has dated Eastern women and is expecting this dryer, "better experience of intercourse." Let's assume I don't know you're two clumsy prude hacks transcribing each other's flatlines. Assuming I'm on board for all of that, how -the fuck- am I supposed to apply this advice? Do I de-lubricate my vagina with dry thoughts? Some kind of abrasive chamois? This is like telling me, "Puerto Rican lads prefer a tilted uterus." Everyone fucking knows, but some things you don't say out loud!

Holy fuck, they've lost their minds. Get naked in the grass, cover yourself in syrup, blindfold yourself, and guess whether your erogenous zones are being stroked by human or insect!? Chastise your blind partner with increasing toughness as they become more wrong? ARE YOU FUCKING HEARING YOURSELVES, PHILLIP AND ANNE?

"Close your eyes. Was that me or an insect?"

"Oh my god, what? Why would it be an insect? Did you put an insect on me?"

"No, fool."

"Then why did you bring it up? Are some of these going to be insects?"

"No! You goddamn dumbshit!"

"How did I agree to this? I filled my asshole with honey where ants live! This is insane!"

"NO!!! LETTING BUTTERFLIES FUCK YOU IS THE SANEST THING OF ALL! YOU SON OF A BITCH! YOU WASTE OF SYRUP! YOU'RE NOTHING! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT IS TO LOVE!"

"Darling, you are asking me to remember ten of the constellations we observed earlier? Heh, a mere ten? Why, I can do that without leaving the second galactic quadrant, and no, I assure you this is not the first time my passion for astronomy has kept me from getting laid."

Again, I'm not personally a psychotherapist like Anne Hooper, co-author of 269 Amazing SEX TIPS & TRICKS FOR HER, but an uncomfortable amount of this book was dedicated to overcoming her boyfriend's erectile dysfunction. And, Anne, it's weird that same guy's dick shoots straight up when he's on the phone to his mother.

Most list authors like this obviously run out of ideas before they finish. But what makes this book special is you can pinpoint the precise spot where it happened. At #186, Anne and Phillip just type "Enjoy, enjoy!" and leave the bottom third of the page blank. For the next 45 entries, they abandon their premise and just list adult products you can buy, exactly as described by an adult catalog they found. It's nothing but dildo and lube ad copy for 36 pages. The point is, if someone handed you a toothbrush on your way into an adult bookstore and then jammed their thumb up your ass on the way out, you would have the exact same knowledge as someone who studied this book for years.

With only a few pages to go, Anne and Phillip finally stop listing vibrator warranty policies to get back to real advice. Like how if you find your vagina is dry, don't worry. Eastern women say this means your partner is really enjoying it. Also, it's a sign your relationship is bad. I guess in the end, you knew this book wasn't going to fix your problems...

... maybe try laying down and pretending the ground cares about you?

The authors end the book the same way they end sex... with Anne going off by herself to mechanically mark off a list of masturbation gestures. "Each step counts as a whole entry," she tells her publisher.

"The deal was 269 amazing sex tips and tricks, lady. If you're going to count every poke and direction you rotate your hoo ha, I'm going to need all 140 bucks of that advance back," replies No Questions Frank. "If I'm makin' four dozen high quality personalized flying discs for the Knucklefuck family picnic, I don't cut one Frisbee into 48 parts and call it a day. You understand me? You and that butterfly molestin' husband of yours need to take some pride in your work."

After delineating the procedure for realigning your clitoral hood to meet emissions standards, Anne realized she hadn't told you what to think about about while you were masturbating alone, away from your lover in her amazing sex tricks book. Most of it's pretty standard stuff... a juicy movie star, tearing apart a boy in the woods, getting forcibly impregnated by a wizard... all great advice. But I want to talk about the very last amazing sex trick of the book, and I want to talk directly to Phillip Hodson when I do it.

Phillip, hi. I've mentioned how I'm not a psychotherapist like yourself and your lovely partner, but I do pick up on some things. For example, I can tell from her decision to end your couple's sex tip book with a long description of how to jerk off alone in the tub to the idea of sitting by yourself on a warm motorcycle that things are really going great for you guys. I'm sincerely very proud of you.

...

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