Teamworking Day: WorldWatch 2

Art can sometimes be so bad it goes beyond failure and becomes more like a confession inadvertently made by the creator. Worldwatch is that type of art. It's a childlike comic with cruel, nude, horny superheroes, but what it says about the creator Chuck Austen is so much more than "I suck at everything." It says, "I am a man who truly hates women and how their boobs taunt my lonely boner." Chuck Austen is the kind of guy who uses the word "females" in a sentence such as "we wouldn't even need females if real men gave CPR dummies more fuckable holes."

If you haven't read our coverage of Issue #1, now's your chance. Or, if you like your recaps written in derangedly punctuated gibberish, you can read the one written by Chuck himself here:

Seanbaby: That "text" is, insane

and I don't, understand

why eighty per-

cent,

of those commas, or, in addition those page breaks

were include-

d.

Brockway: I’ve taunted enough policemen to know a Murderer’s Cipher when I see one. I can crack this.

Let’s see, we’ve got 8 words on the first line, 13 on the second but WAIT… “tell-all” is hyphenated and needlessly quoted. That’s telling us NOT to include it in the total.

Two words on the third line, six on the fourth. I see... this is a basic transposition code that decrypts to the chord progression to “Sally in the Toilet,” a long lost blues recording about a woman murdered in a bathroom, just like-

GASP

Just like Sally McGinnis was murdered in Chuck Austen’s hometown on August 11th, 2006! 8/11/2-6! I’ve solved it! My god, this was published two years before the murder. He was trying to warn us! Anyway, according to Murderer’s Code I get to ask of Chuck Austen one boon and it is this:

Pay your fucking ty

pesetter.

Brockway: So wait, the premise of this conflict is that the hero forgot he fucked a 12 foot tall, 800 pound skull-faced monster in Grind City?

Or is it that he fucks so many Spawn villains that they all blur together like unproductive meetings-that-could-have-been-an-email in a Cincinatti accounting office? Ask any of the 5-foot tall Asian women that fucked Shaq if they ever forgot that experience. They’re easy to spot - they look like they’re riding an invisible horse all the time.

Seanbaby: Chuck Austen writes dialog like a 12-year-old boy making his first prank call. He uses naughty words like he's never been allowed to before. Like his mom said he could get anything on his pizza and he went, "Anything!? Even... diarrhea and ice cream!? Mom, mom, mom! Ha, ha, did you hear what I said? Diarr-- mom, I said diarrhea and ice cream! Mom! On the pizza, mom! Because you said 'anything,' mom!"

These three panels are more of a sputtering stream of hate crimes than exposition, so I'll try to explain what's happening. Chuck "created" his own Shazam character, a superhero who is a normal guy until he screams a magic word and transforms. The Chuck Austen twist is that his normal guy really hates gay people and when he screams the magic word "RAMROD!" he becomes HighLord, the gay superhero.

Brockway: That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. All of those words are illegal in anything like that order. That would get a bus full of rowdy 8th graders to call you a homophobe. That’s the worst thing to happen to gay people since Cocktails got shitcanned. Jesus, that’s hateful. Calling somebody a “HighLord” on Twitter will get you fired from a Chuck Lorre show.

Seanbaby: To be fair, "How dare you fuck me and run in Memphis," is a pretty amazing thing to say during a fist fight. It's like SteelSkull is checking to see if his super power is starting a country music number. Imagine if Reba McEntire knocked on your door and said, "How dare you fuck me and run in Memphis!" You would move closer and tell her, "♫Girl, you knew from the start this heart's restless!♫" You wouldn't even have a choice. Your voices would join an unseen guitar, "♫Broken promises, broken tail light... Soul-crossed lovers, only for one night.♫" I'm 100% certain this is both true and also how Reba McEntire meets everyone.

Brockway:

Brockway: I’m going to do something nobody in history has ever done before and I’m going to give some credit to the artist of WorldWatch. In 2004, that guy with that haircut would definitely have that exact tribal bicep tattoo. And look at HighLord’s expression in that first panel. If you could pull a dude’s arm straight off in front of your friends, that’s absolutely the “you guys, check this out, ‘bout to pull an arm straight off” face you would make.

Seanbaby: Chuck Austen had full creative control here. He had two men with fantastic powers and a romantic history battling to the death, and when one of them tears the other's arm off all he says is, "YOUR ARM!" Not "YOU DISARMED HIM-- NOW IT'S MY TURN!" or "YOU LOSE SOMETHING, PAL?" or even "THIS REMINDS ME OF A HANDJOB I GOT IN MEMPHIS!" Just fucking "YOUR ARM." If you hate this so much, why are you doing it, Chuck? This is the lowest effort I've ever seen from a writer and I used to edit lists at Cracked.

Brockway: Heyoooo! That’ll teach you to give us gainful employment for a decade, you buncha fuckin’ HighLords.

What? I can say it, some of my best friends are HighLo-

Well, okay, I’m sorry that you got offended at-

Fine! Fuck you! I’m not sorry, then! There are plenty of opportunities for a man brave enough to fuck up an apology! I’ll go make movies with Ben Shapiro!

Seanbaby: Chuck Austen understands human relationships like someone kicked off an incel image board for not understanding human relationships. He had a magic gay man get his arm ripped off by another magic gay man and, in a way, isn't that what love is? Also, there are three women watching and each of them has most or all of her tits out. I'm saying this: hey, anyone, I dare you to write something worse. I dare you to write a parody of Chuck Austen and top "three topless chicks watch a gay couple dismember each other in an emotional breakup while they shriek homophobic slurs."

Brockway: I really appreciate how much thought went into novel ways for the women to have their tits out. No woman gets their tits out in the same way, you ever notice that?

You ever notice this, folks?

It’s like, some women get golden claws to cover the bottom 17% of their boobs, but some women? Some women will do anything to expose the whole bottomtitty while covering only the very top! And some gals - clap if this is you, ladies, you know who you are - some gals will get their whole tit out, but they turn to metal so you can’t touch ‘em! It’s like, make a decision, gals. You know what I mean? I’m over here putting boob ogles together like a mental jigsaw puzzle - is this a nipple? It could be a nipple! It could be a button! I don’t want to yank it to a button!

Ahh, I’m just talking about life, you know. It’s crazy! These modern times are crazy. You folks hear about Pop Tarts calling themselves toaster pastries now? It’s like-

Brockway: “Get it? You probably don’t get it. It’s because he’s heartbroken!” - Chuck Austen, to the dent he can’t bring himself to fluff out of his ex-wife’s pillow.

Seanbaby: I guess in addition to being powered by a magic sphere, SteelSkull was also powered by an atomic reactor? It feels like a lot of backstory for a character we've only known for two pages. In five panels Chuck Austen seems to think it's reasonable for him to have two unexplained power sets, take on the world's mightiest heroes, beg for his one-night-stand to take him back, and also be a suicide bomber. The crazy thing is, it's all so cliche I think I can follow it. All Chuck Austen did was mash Juggernaut and Metallo together along with his utter contempt of what it must be like when two lady-brained homosexuals argue. If you handed this comic book to a psychologist and asked them what was wrong with the author they would say, "This is the easiest day at work I've ever had and I currently work at Cracked."

Brockway doing a huge shithead Bob Hope-style golf swing: Hole in one! Haha, but seriously folks, this is what it feels like to watch a decade of your work flushed down the toilet for $8 in ad revenue from confused grandmas clicking on the wrong box on Facebook.

Seanbaby: These three panels suggest somewhere there was a room where a human brain thought, "The porno Wonder Woman girl goes 'Shut it OFF!' but SteelSkull says something like 'Eat me.' No, wait. He says exactly 'Eat me.' And the severed arm he was freaking out about is actually still under his control and -AND- it can shoot Venom tentacles now. In fact, it's tougher now. Okay, so the big finish. What would a homo say to a cute boy he liked if he had a nuclear bomb? Come on... think, Chuck."

Brockway: “Maybe ‘You can’t FALLOUT of love with me!’ Nah, too cute. This isn’t a cute moment. Wait: ‘I may be the Fat Man, but inside, you’ll always be a Little Boy.’ Stupid! Big emotions don’t come from big references. I’ve got it! ‘Don’t hiroshimake me nagasaki you off agai-’ Augh! Chuck! Keep it simple, you HighLord!”

Seanbaby: At the last second, the superheroes are saved from the bomb by a mysterious Superman character who likes when you mash your naked titties together, ladies. I read the bio for this character in the back of the comic and he is described as charming by the woman he said this to. This fact alone lets us conclude that Chuck Austen has stood in front of a mirror practicing, "What is your moniker, m'lady? I go by Chuck, and mayhaps I could perchance slide a finger into your vulva hole? With permission, of course."

Brockway: Nothing reveals how smart a writer really is like when they try to write a genius character. And nothing reveals how grossly unwelcome a writer’s probing fingernails are like when they try to write a charming character.

Seanbaby: WorldWatch discusses whether or not they should trust the new guy and he continues charming War Woman by interrupting her to tell her she's more naked than everyone else. Again, this is Chuck Austen writing as seductively as he can. From this alone, I can give you my guarantee he has said the words, "Okay, fine, these are your panties in my mouth! I thought you females liked it whe-- oh yeah? What are you going to tell the police? That some nice guy paid you a compliment!?"

Seanbaby: Gush! How is this honey-tongued sweet talker still single? Seriously, though; you can't fake this type of authentic dialog. It takes 45 years of intense virginity training to write like this.

Brockway: Chuck is clearly the kind of guy who leaves long Instagram comments about how he would take so much better care of you than the shithead men you probably prefer even though you’re just trying to show off what a good job you did on your mascara today.

Seanbaby: Everyone is pretty sure War Woman is going to have sex with the new guy except for HighLord who thinks he might have a shot with him. Unfortunately, in the middle of his flirting he transforms back into his alter ego, normal human Jason. He appears in a puff of smoke and screams the longest monologue in the issue-- a deranged rant at God for allowing gay. Jason is what is known in literature as an "authorial insert."

Seanbaby: Elsewhere, in something almost resembling a comic book, Intercessor is rescuing a girl from a mugger. But like all Chuck Austen characters, he suddenly and cartoonishly loses his mind. He chunch, smunch, and thucks the man to death. Now, just for fun, try to guess what happens next. Don't overcomplicate it-- take what you know about this man and guess where the story goes.

Brockway: I believe in ranked voting, so I guess:

1. Chuck uses Intercessor to deliver a thinly-veiled speech about the importance of blowjobs to a woman with the same first name as his ex-wife and last name as his current divorce attorney.

2. Intercessor screams to the sky about how the gays are ruining America’s alleyways

3. The victim fucks Intercessor because a man did a thing and that should always be repaid with sex.

Seanbaby: You were right! Intercessor takes the lady to a church filled with the women whose muggings he foiled, and they are all nude, working as his full-time Christian sex slaves. He gets naked and tells her, "You are safe to defrock, here." To use a sports metaphor, this is like hitting a double and walking straight to the dugout to tell your coach, "I have hit, the tiny ball an unfathomable, distance. You may, now defrock and, service, me. As I have, earned."

Brockway: That is not what I guessed at all.

Seanbaby: So Intercessor has the unlimited power sphere they took from HighLord's casual hook-up from Memphis, and he's entrusted it to one of his sex prisoners to recruit more sex prisoners? I don't know why I'm asking. It's very clear from the well-written line, "Use the Sphere to wish her Back among us, naked."

Anyway, he's one of the most powerful heroes on the planet with the most powerful thing on the planet and he's using it to force sad girls to fuck him. Chuck Austen can't go more than half a page without accidentally writing, "Hi, this is who I am and the limitless darkness inside me. I, Chuck Austen, already know what I would do if I was left alone in a morgue, no question." Then the story sort of just ends with Intercessor announcing he will destroy War Woman while the new guy secretly eavesdrops.

Brockway: Attentive readers will remember that, in WorldWatch #1, the plot only moved forward because a Superman stand-in overheard a secret while somebody was fucking irresponsibly. This is the only move Chuck Austen has - every single comic ends with an Ubermensch spying on pillow talk. It’s kind of like how Stephen King always goes back to Maine, or how Tom Clancy included an argument for hunting the homeless in every book. Store-Brand Superman Knows Your Fuck Secrets is the motif that lets you know you’re reading a Chuck Austen work. That, and Impossible Titties.

Seanbaby: The hook of HighLord is that he's a god who likes to take it in the ass and was nice to exactly 72 people. Were they the same 72 people he had sex with? Maybe! These are details too pointless to think about! It's a Shazam knockoff no one will ever see again. Writing a backstory for it is like a Pakistani toy designer imagining an ancient war spawning the Elemental Shards of Klaar quested for by heroes representing the five realities in an effort to undo The Great Shattering and bring about peace while he prints the words "Best Value Sporder Boy."

Brockway: I am keeping score but I don’t know how many points to award for Bottoming.

-1, I guess?

Because you’re taking one for-

I’ll just mark it par.

Seanbaby: The conceit of WorldWatch is that it's a comic adapted from War Woman's autobiography. So this whining about Monarch's shitty jeans is from her point of view. This nonsense about his shirt and balls is how Chuck Austen thinks a woman would write a biography, only not a regular woman-- an extraordinary woman employed as a professional author.

Brockway: “Fuck yeah! I nailed this passage! You can tell this chick needs it, right Chuckleheads? She’s just dying for a man to do her a minor personal favor so she has an excuse to jerk him off, right? Ah, you know I’m right. Chucklefucks.”

Seanbaby: Satyr's biography is mostly about how he doesn't cover his dick and War Woman is always staring at it. Again, this is Chuck Austen writing as not just a woman, but the best woman. The greatest, most powerful feminine mind he can picture can't help looking at that sweet flopping cock, that giant cock.

Brockway:

Goat!

Dick!

Goat! Dick!

Goat dick!

I called it. Okay, I thought it was a dick-pocket but you know I called it! Don’t try to take this away from me!

Everybody knows you can’t slip a goat dick by ol’ Brockway! I know how that sounds! I regret it! I hope something distracts from it right now!

Seanbaby: After the character bios there's a nude Archie spoof.

Brockway: Archie porn! That’ll do! Hey, fun fact - you gotta be careful with fanfiction! None of those characters are over 18! Did somebody dare Chuck Austen to qualify for arrest in every US State in one three-issue comic? Because I’ll tell you, none of this stuff is over the line in Mississippi, Chuck. Even the gay stuff - there’s a subclause that says you can show it as long as they die from a nuclear explosion within three panels.

Seanbaby: Chuck Austen was so proud of his idea of naked Archie he devoted six pages to a fake interview with the fictional writer of it. No, listen-- 25% of WorldWatch #2 is an article about a flopping dong teenager comic that doesn't exist. He thinks this is world building! The story of these kids living at a nudist colony is called Nekkid Bottoms USA, which Chuck thought was so clever he used the same title for a novel six years later. And speaking of six years later, this article is going to be so dark in the future after Chuck Austen gets caught for whatever sex crimes he was obviously planning here in our time. Sorry, the future! We tried to warn you!