~Dream Daddy: Robert Small X Listener SFW: Sasquatch Hunter~ {Patreon Exclusive}

It’s not exactly the most orthodox date, but with Robert, were you really expecting that?

Contains: Drinking, Story Telling, Robert’s Sense of Humor, Date Night

The more I wrote this script, the more the story really didn't turn out to be too funny, but that's Robert's style isn't it? Weird, slightly scary and macabre stories turn out to be him joking?  So I hope you all enjoy this sort of scary, sort of fluffy, slightly drunk story telling from Robert! Thank you all so much for your input on this audio!

~Audio Transcript Below~

Robert: You know, I’ve never really thought of myself as much of a ‘dater’, but really, this is nice.

*takes a drink*

I think it’s because you’re not expecting me to be *pauses to find words* normal, I guess? You don’t expect to get up, get dressed all fancy, go out to a dinner and pretend we’re having a good time, eating and talking about nonsense bullshit. You’re content to do this….just sit and drink. You don’t try to fill the silence with nothing. It’s, refreshing, you know?

*pause*

I mean, maybe not a fancy dinner….but this is more fun, right? I mean, it’s nicer….don’t have to pretend to be anything we’re not. We can just hang out, drink, look at the stars….

*takes a drink*

You ever think about the fact that those, ‘Professional Big Foot Hunters’ on TV are always doing ‘mating’ calls when it comes to trying to lure out and/or hear if there are Sasquatches nearby? I mean, think about it, if they were really using mating calls, are they fully prepared for what the consequences might be if the mating call works?

*starts to chuckle* No, but think about it! They’re supposedly mating calls, so, are those guys even prepared for the possibility of it working? And for the possibility for a Big Foot to come out of the brush, boner a blazin’, lookin’ for some hot Lady Sasquatch and all it finds is like three or four really unattractive ‘scientists’ huddled together defenseless? *laughing* Like what the fuck are they expecting? Regardless on whether or not they actually find one without the mating call, do they even have a fucking plan? Like, a Sasquatch is still a wild fucking animal, despite the fact that it might have more intelligence than the average one. None of them have any protection or any plan.

*pause* Oh no, I definitely believe that Sasquatch is real. I just hate how unrealistic those shows are. They don’t take any precautions for protection and just tromp around in the woods with their ‘science equipment’ and scream into the woods hoping to hear or see something.

*pause*

Have I told you about the time I went Sasquatch hunting?

Oh yeah, no mistake, I was hunting them, had a gun and everything. I figure, it’s a wild animal, despite the fact that people seem to think they’re special. The only way we’re going to get proof of one is if we kill one yeah?

*takes a drink* 

I mean, I wouldn’t do it for sport or anything, and I would want to make sure that like….every part of it was used, yeah?

Anyway, that’s not the point, I don’t do that anymore anyways.

So, it was me and Betsy, on our own, travelling and camping through the vast forests of the Pacific Northwest.

*takes a drink*

*chuckles*  Yes there are vast forests up there. Not like around here. There, one wrong turn, one moment where you go off a path or lose your way and you’re done. They’d be lucky to ever even find your bones. 

So, those Big Foot scientists have one thing right, the best time to go searching for Sasquatch is at night, since they’re more or less nocturnal through necessity. It’s like they can sense when humans are looking for them, so they use the cover of forests and darkness to move around in.

I had done the most extensive research I had ever done for anything for this trip. I looked up folklore, triangulated sightings, set up hunting cameras, jumped through about every hoop I could think of because I was determined to be the guy to take on of those mother fuckers down and bring it back and prove that they were real.

The first few nights had been fairly lackluster, didn’t see hide nor tail of anything unusual, then on the third night, I decided on a whim to explore a little further North than my triangulations had led me, just in case they had moved further than I thought they would.

And through all the footwork and through all the science and everything, it didn’t even matter. I literally stumbled upon a little clearing, and Betsy barked once, and only once, and that’s when I saw it.

It was like the very air itself had come to a standstill, there, standing in the clearing, a shape, with bright, terrifying eyes far too tall to be anything human. Vague enough yet distinct enough, even Betsy beside me had gone completely still, like if anything in the universe moved, nothing would ever be the same.

In all actuality, the silence and the standstill only really happened for a few breaths, but I swear, it almost felt like an entire life-time. 

Then, the hulking shadow moved, and I knew, in that split second, that I had to get out of there. It didn’t matter that I had a gun, it didn’t matter one damn bit. I knew that even if I tried to fire every bit of ammo I had into that thing that the most it would do was just make it even angrier with me. So I did the only thing I think I could so. I dropped the gun, picked up Betsy as quickly as I could, shoved her under my arm, turned tail and ran.

Now it would be one of those moments where you scream in your head not to look back, don’t ever look back, and intrinsically I knew I shouldn’t, with the fact that it was night and I was ass deep in a forest that could at any moment swallow me up, maybe even worse than the Sasquatch, but something in me had to, had to look, had to know that what I saw was real and not just some fucked up part of my imagination. So I did, I looked….*takes a drink* And I almost wish I didn’t.

It was closer to me than I ever thought it could be, which makes sense. It knew the forest, and it was so big, so much bigger than me that of course it made sense that it could cover ground faster than I could without even breaking a sweat if it really wanted.

*takes a drink* Would you believe me if I told you that the thing was indescribable? I mean with the way that it looked, so familiar and yet so strange and my mind just couldn’t comprehend it, couldn’t comprehend that this thing existed, so I just continued to run, dodging through trees, holding onto Betsy for dear life, not even caring where I was running now because all I knew was that I needed to get away from it.

I almost didn’t. I legitimately almost didn’t make it out of there alive. But I managed somehow, not without being marked though.

*takes a drink*

*clothes shuffle*

See these scars right here? *chuckles* look an awful lot like claw marks, don’t they?

I hardly even realized that it had swiped and tore into me until I practically collapsed from running do far for so long. I couldn’t tell you how long I ran, and I didn’t even know if I was safe, but I got out of there, I was alive.

I almost didn’t make it out of there even after that. Like I said, you go off the path or don’t know where you’re going, you’ll get swallowed up by the trees, by everything. I had been running aimlessly, in the dead of night, just trying to get away, how in the hell was I supposed to get out of there.

It took almost five days for me to get out of there, and the only reason that I did was because some experienced deep forest explorers had found me and Betsy, huddled up against a tree. I had hardly slept for fear of the Sasquatch finding me again, and I held onto Betsy practically the entire time so she wouldn’t wander off and become food.

So yeah, I messed with a Sasquatch once, and I ain’t doin’ it again.

*long pause*

*Starts laughing*

I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Jesus, you should see your face. Enraptured the entire time like I was tellin’ you the secret to life itself.

Ow! *chuckles* Hey careful, you’ll make me spill my drink!

*pause* 

Oh, these scars are old, they’re from when I was younger and I was trying to learn how to do knife tricks. Needless to say, learning knife tricks with actual sharp knives probably isn’t the smartest thing in the world.

I could tell you more about that if you wanted.

*pause*

*chuckles* But you like my stories.

And I like you. I’ve told you that, haven’t I? How much I like you, how…..nice it is to have someone like you around? Someone who…..I don’t know….

*pause*

Yeah….I guess….someone who likes me back……

*takes a drink* Aaaand someone who puts up with my stories……

*chuckles*

That being said, I do still believe in Sasquatch…..