dev log #16, september 25th, 2023

It looks like gold coins have spilled over the entire forest floor. The weather is brooding and dark. I love it so much I might explode.

I feel it returning to me- the joy of creating. I can see it, approaching, gently, softly. It's sensitive and fickle, a wild animal. When I turn my back on it and just breathe, taking a moment to appreciate the horizon, it approaches cautiously.

It cannot be chased, or captured. So I do my daily routines, trying to incorporate the joy in them. I code, and I feel its breath washing over my shoulder when I figure out something exciting. I paint, and it sits beside me, trilling. I write, and it shivers in fear a few yards away. This is progress; it isn't bolting away like it used to. I'm trying to be tender, to allow myself to be the woman with delicate constitution and low tolerance for stress that I have become. It is new and it is strange, but I'm learning, because it's not going away, even years and years after my initial burnout. Promise me you'll try not to work yourself to the point of total exhaustion. The price is so steep.

With coding, I'm working on the gender selection cards for the RO's, and their POV/Introductions. :> There's a sort of mischievous motivation that comes from making ouro a treat to look at and play. A growing need to show it off. I know once I do, the dopamine rush will swallow that motivation, so I keep it to myself, for a little while more.

In writing, I am mostly revising; fitting the story around this new format, and simplifying the plot in the ways that I can, without detracting from the intricate web I want to weave. It's a lot of fun, especially since I get to work with knowledge I have gained since starting this project. Some plot, like the blood oath and the clergy, needs to be refined to fit the story instead of being plucked out of my worldbuilding, and I'm still working on what that means. It's hard to kill your darlings.

Writing sentences that feel like deliberate brush strokes still feels far away, but occasionally, one will appear, and the joy sparkles and preens in my peripheral.

I will keep at it, still staying far away from the forum and the tags, protecting my joy and gently, gently, redirecting my curiosity. I might log on Tumblr some day and hold a ask-answering session, because I feel like it. We will see. It's a slow process of poking and prodding and seeing what works, but perhaps unsurprisingly, more work is getting done than before. 

I hope you have a lovely week, and I'll see you on Friday<3