The reason I've been away for longer than I wanted to.

I really wanted to make this post a long time ago, but my mind wasn't really in a good place and even now it's still not, but I'm actually feeling bad for leaving people in the dark for so long and who knows, maybe finally talking about it might make me feel better.

I'll try to resume this as much as possible because I don't know how much I can take before I end up a mess.

For most of my life I can resume my family as me, my mother and my youngest aunt (who lives in another country), that's it. My life was full of really harsh turns but my mother always did her best to take good care of me as a single mom.

As I mentioned before, my mother's health was never the best. In 2011 she found out she had breast cancer, and that's when I started showing signs of depression and anxiety. It hit me so hard I just broke right then and there. But she was strong, she actually handled it a lot better than I did. We struggled a lot during this period because she couldn't work and I could get was a part-time job. But we got through it with the help of some friends and part of the family that's not really close to us but, I'm forever grateful for what they did.

My mother did the treatment and eventually the surgery, removing completely her right breast.

After that things got better, I got a full-time job (had to give up on college/uni for fincancial reasons), after a while my mother got one too and things started to get better, even knowing that it would never be the same again.

Cutting to last year, I was having a rough year emotionally. Things were okay most of the time but I just couldn't help but feel awful during longs periods of time, so that's when I decided to step back and take a break to put my thoughts in place.

But then october happened.

At the beginning of october, my mother started to feel a lot of pain on her back and she went to the doctor 3 or 4 times in the period of 20ish days, nothing they did helped her, and, since our public health sucks, she had to wait 3 months to make an exam. Well, on the 27th I had to take her to the hospital because of how much pain she was in. She stayed there for 9 days and they did a bunch of exams.

The exams confirmed that her cancer was back, and she also had a fracture on her spine. And that's how my world fell apart, again.

The hospital decided they wouldn't make a surgery on her back because she needed oncological monitoring first and they didn't have that on that hospital in particular, so they sent her home. 

She couldn't get out of bed, she was in pain 24/7, she was under the effect of a lot of strong medication, I have never been more scared in my life. Suddenly I realized how alone we were again. And here I was having to quit my job to take care of my mother and do everything by myself which scared the life out of me, because after all, I'm an introverted person with social anxiety. 

We do have some friends helping, mostly offering to bring food because I am not great in the kitchen, but as of taking care of my mom, that was all on me. During the entirety of november and most of december I had the worst time of my life. I did everything I could to get my mom to start her treatment as soon as possible and she started around mid november.

I was a mess. I wasn't eating well, I wasn't sleeping well, I wasn't feeling well, but I had to "stay strong", I remember having to say that to myself a lot. Since I tend to bottle things up, most of my anxiety/panic/stress attacks happened at night so I could go on the next day fooling myself that I was holding my shit together.

I honestly don't know how am I still holding myself at this point, I feel like I'm on auto-pilot, idk how to explain.

Well, as for today, mom is getting better, slowly. She did 10 sessions of radiotherapy that helped heal her fracture and she now can take a couple of steps by herself, which is probably the moment I was unconsciously waiting to sit down and "turn off" all the pressure I've been feeling these last months. "Things are getting better".

I'm not sure how I am feeling now. I've been so on edge lately that it's weird to sit down andnot feel like you're going to explode at any minute.

Anyways, I know it's long but like I said in the beginning, I was starting to feel bad about leaving people in the dark. I'll probably post this on tumblr later too.

Thank you to everyone that is still here even after all these months without me posting anything, I'll try to get back as soon as possible, still waiting for my mom to get a bit better, as for me, I honestly have no idea. But I'll figure it out.

Red