Blurry

I tend to use my patreon as a hugbox. In the past I’ve told my patrons about Silv and what he turned out to be and all the other effed up shit. I feel more comfortable bitching to a smaller audience. 

I guess its not really bitching though. Whining? Oh well. Whining is still bitching. 

Anyway, so here I am at work, feeling like shit. I’ve neve been great at social things except for when I was a youngin. I was a social butterfly in school and a constant center of attention but due to internet “fame” I’ve shirked away from people and also realized..most people fucking suck.

what this has to do with my current state of mind is unfortunately everything. I have a small group of friends, then people I refer to as “friends” which aren’t friends they’re acquaintences..then there’s everyone else. I’ve been trying to not whine or bitch at my close friends recently, about my life or what’s going on or how I’m feeling. 

and I have been avoiding doing the same to my bf as well. 

and everything has taken a dip. I basically feel like shit because I feel like no one cares and there’s no point in opening up— so I stopped. That leaves me feeling quite alone. Moreso when I sit in a room of people and no one (I won’t mention who) talks to me at all. That really depresses me. And I can’t help it. As it is I’m very stressed, I wasn’t ready to date again and here I am doing it. I haven’t had time to build the emotional walls back up after Silv mangled me. I have come to depend on my bf “too much” in my mind, and same of my close friends. This leads me to stop talking to all of them because “oh no. Weakness detected. Scrub it out. “ and it seems they’re all fine because no ones having me fuss at them. 

But the truth is im really upset and I’m tired and I don’t want to work on art. I want to go home to Florida. I don’t even care if my bf was with me I just want to go to the beach and recharge. But being far apart does drain me, and there’s nothing that can be done so why bitch about it right? I’ve already complained so why complain further? And I don’t plan to, not to him or to my friends. But that doesn’t mean I feel any different. It doesn’t mean I don’t want those things. Don’t want that closeness. Fucking hell, I actually was able to fall asleep next to another human being. WHILE TOUCHING THEM. That’s unheard of for me. And now I’ve had it, and it was fantastic, now I want it. Constantly. And I’m tired of feeling that way. I wish I could just put all the bad feelings in a box and duct tape it shut and bury it in a hole and fill the hole with cement. :/ I want to be happy so much but I can’t just be a happy go lucky person when what I want is so far out of reach.  

And then he says he’s proud of me, becaus eim “trying” to be nicer and gentler and all this and not kill everyone I meet and Not complain constantly or nitpick him. And I just feel worse. youre proud of me tying myself in knots and restraining myself. And I get it, I do. People who are miserable suck ass to be around. And as of late I am definitely, absolutely, unequivocally that person.  

Just blows. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to draw. I hardly can stand being in voice chat. I want to curl up in bed alone away from everyone I know and love because I’m a wounded dog. I don’t want to lash out or hurt anyone so I want to go away and yet at the same time the things that would/could make everything better are things I can’t have. 

Theres a lot weighing this old husk down. A lot. I thought and honestly believed that by the time I was 30 I’d own a house by the beach and be married and own like 50 dogs. 

But all I have is a handful of sand.