Chapter 2 Revamp

Gods, am I really going to do this now, of all times? I know I was all moody and depressing just moments ago, but now that I'm finally done with my frankly gratuitous internal monologue, the reality of my situation is starting to hit home.

With a disappointed sigh, I lift the shabby knife up and hold it out before my eyes, giving it a thorough once over using my analytical prowess.

This dagger definitely won’t get me very far, but it's not like I have any other options lying around. I made sure of that just a few years back when I sold all the leftover scraps in my storage rooms. With no adventurers staying at the Guild, I had no reason to keep what little there was taking up my shelf space.

It's not like their owners were ever going to come back and ask me what happened to their cheap-ass weapons and armors, anyway. They left them here to rust, and I needed some gold. A victimless crime.

This old thing I hold in my hands is the last weapon I have left in the Guild.

It must’ve belonged to a Halfling, or maybe even a Gnome. Calling it a short sword would be more than generous. It’s little more than a butter knife. I kept it around for self-defense purposes, but I must have been drunk to think this little blade would be suitable to protect me from any thugs that tried jumping me.

I can't imagine why I didn't keep one of the swords instead. Maybe my drunken past self thought it wouldn't be worth much? To his credit, he was probably right.

“Will this dull thing even cut?” I can’t help thinking aloud even as my eyes tell me no. Out of morbid curiosity, I press the blade up against the palm of my hand. I wasn't about to put it anywhere lethal. I’m not that depressed, but being alone in a dark room tends to push one's thoughts towards the macabre.

As the knife's edge slides up closer to my skin, I shut my eyes and exhale deeply through my nose.

I don’t want to become an adventurer. I never did. I’m a washed-up sack of shit who spends most of his time day drinking and reading erotic fiction, a failure of a man.

Somehow, I’m in decent shape, sure. But it’s not like I can just pack it all up and go register myself as an adventurer at some other Guild. Training has to start when you're young, and I'm far too old to ever hope of becoming a warrior even if I did want to be one.

I mean, it's not impossible... but it's not very damned likely, either.

Still, I said I'd do it, and I'm not backing down.

If becoming an adventurer, or even a Hero of Light or whatever is my destiny, then so be it...

But... on the off chance it's not, then now's your last chance to show it, Goddess above. Go on and give me some sort of sign that I was meant to be a Guild Master.

Please?

All I want is one last chance... I'm begging you.

You, of all people... of all Gods? Yes. You, of all Gods, should know that I don't beg so easily. Beyond that, not once have I ever asked you for something, your Holiness. Do me this one solid, and I'll...

I'll what, become a devout worshipper of Lux Ultima?

Yeah, right...

The Twin Goddesses have never done a thing for me my entire life, and they’re not about to start now. These depressing prayers are falling on deaf ears. All I'm doing is just delaying the inevitable.

It's not like I can stop myself from imagining what I would do differently if I had even a single adventurer left here with me, though... all it would take is one. I’d work myself to the bone all over again if it meant one final shot at proving to everyone that I was cut out for this.

But real life isn’t so convenient. A massive turnaround like that only happens in stupid stories written for stupid children. In reality, you have to play the cards you’re dealt. If you fuck it up, you’re done...

Take it from me, there are no second chan-

The deafening sound of wood collapsing under tremendous pressure resounds throughout the nearly empty entrance hall.

The front door splits into hundreds of pieces of wooden shrapnel as a crimson book breaks it down with one swift kick. Clouds of dust billow outward from the impact, and I shield myself less any flecks get caught in my eyes. Once the air settles, I lower my arms and take a proper glance at the figure which now stands threateningly in my doorway.

The shimmering sun pours into the Guild from behind them, momentarily shrouding the mysterious stranger behind a veil of light. The intruder takes a single step forward, dispelling the glow around them as they enter the building.

Only now do I realize that the trespasser is without a doubt one of the most beautiful girls I've ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on.

The girl has a full head of bright hair the color of warm sunlight, tied haphazardly into long, flowing twin-tails. Despite the inherent girliness of that style, the quality of her locks gives the impression that she rarely, if ever, brushes her hair. Rather than making her look sloppy or off-putting, this provides the girl with a boyish charm that can't be denied.

Her eyes are determined pieces of sparkling, youthful emeralds, piercing straight through me when we lock sights with each other. I notice that this girl seems young, by the looks of her. She has a beautiful round face, a sharp nose, full lips, and a healthy pink glow to her skin that makes her look almost otherworldly. The only blemishes I can see are a small collection of freckles on each cheek and a small bandage applied to the tip of her nose.

This girl's attire, though... is somewhat questionable, even if I've known several adventurers who wore this style of 'armor' before.

She's wearing a set of red gloves and boots with gold trim, black arm socks, and black thigh-highs ending in brown and gold belt buckles around the top. A similar belt is swung across her wide hips, drawing immediate attention to the embarrassing amount of skin she has on display. The only things keeping this girl’s extremities from bouncing all over the place are a heart-shaped metal plate for panties and a skimpy red breastplate covering her sizable breasts connected via straps to a pair of red shoulder pauldrons.

She’s wearing bikini armor.

The ultimate fashion statement on the feminine field of battle and the death sentence of many an overconfident female adventurer. The only women who march into battle clad in steel thongs and iron brassieres are either those who are stupid beyond belief or those who have such mastery over their physical condition that attacks bounce off of their Steel Soul-infused skin with ease.

Judging by that massive, iron slab of a sword strapped to her back, I'm inclined to believe that this girl just might belong to the latter camp.

I stare at her from across the room.

The distance from the front desk to the door is broad, but she starts strutting her way down the central aisle towards me with an exaggerated swagger and a smile on her face. A brief thought crosses my mind, and I wonder if perhaps someone on high was listening to my desperate prayers after all?

Fat chance of that. I'm sure this girl is just stopping by on her way to Perlshaw, knowing my luck.

The intruder finally speaks. Her voice is youthful, energetic, and boyish. "Sup, Boss? You're the Guild Master here, right?"

She comes on up to the desk, the wooden floor buckling under the weight of her sword so hard that I worry it'll break. “I'm gonna be in your care for a while, hope ya don't mind! I’m already itchin' to go on some Quests, so would ya mind showing me if there are any good ones on... the... board...?” She stops in her tracks as soon as she gets a better look at me, her eyes opening wide from shock.

Ah... right, I can see why this would look bad.

This girl doesn’t understand the context, so when she looks at me, all she sees is a sad, disheveled man wearing shades while sitting alone in a room of total darkness, pressing a knife up against his skin like he were about to end it all.

Before I can explain that this isn’t what it looks like, the girl stomps the rest of the way to my desk, her cute face contorting into an expression of protective rage. With inhuman strength, she rips the knife away from me with one hand and slaps me across the face with the other.

I have to act fast to keep my glasses from falling off my face as I nearly tumble out of my seat. My cheek swells and throbs, almost like she slapped the soul straight out of me. With such inhuman strength, it's clear that huge sword of hers isn't just for show.

My guest starts crying angry tears as she stares into my eyes with her emerald glare. "Boss, don't even think about it! You have so much to live for, damn it!"

While rubbing my cheek, I try and explain myself. "Wait, wait, wait... I appreciate your concern, but-"

Cutting me off, she throws the knife over her shoulder, and it falls flat on the dusty floor. “Look... I know this place is super shitty and all, but... that’s no reason to kill yourself! Stay with me here, and we'll work on it, I promise!”

I blink awkwardly, rendered speechless from the strange situation this girl is putting me through. “If you would just let me finish, I could explain this misunder-"

Without any warning whatsoever, the blonde adventurer suddenly leans over the desk. She wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me up so she can bury my face in her deep cleavage.

Her breasts are large, full, and hefty, so it was hard not to notice that even before she shoved me into them. They're also unbelievably soft and warm, but I can't fully enjoy the sudden sensation seeing as how her metal breastplate is very uncomfortably pressing against the side of my cheek, which she just slapped to hell and back.

Still, being comforted like this is as relaxing as it is nostalgic. Miss Hart used to take care of me in the same way when I was little, and it's been so long since I've felt this womanly sensation...

This strange adventurer snaps me out of my boob-induced bliss as she continues rambling. "It's not worth it, I'm telling you! We can work on this, Boss. Once I get properly moved in and get some quest money coming in, we can fix the place up. I mean, we gotta do that anyway because this Guild really does look like ass. We need, like... weapons and shit hung all over the place, and badass trophies gathered from defeated monsters should be on display everywhere you look! Fuck, dude. You know what would be a REALLY good idea is it-"

"Cease your incessant chattering!" I forcibly push myself away from the girl's bosom and raise my hand in objection, pulling her attention to me. "There was a lot to unpack amid all the things you just said, but let's start from the basics. You are mistaken in thinking I was about to kill myself. I assure you, that was not the case."

“Wait, really? But... the knife... and...” The strange girl blushes as she becomes flustered.

"All I was doing was inspecting the knife while considering a change in careers, that's all. It's the only weapon I have. While lost in thought, I pressed it up against my skin, wondering if it was sharp enough to suit my needs should I become an adventurer."

The girl looks at me like she's unsure if she heard me correctly. Then, her cheeks puff out from trying to hold back an immense outburst of laughter until she can no longer hold herself back. Erupting into an obnoxious fit of downright uproarious amusement, she bends over while holding her exposed stomach for support.

I give her ample time to finish up with her fit and move along, but as soon as it sounds like she's about to stop, she just takes another look at me and laughs harder still. Right as I decide that this annoying git is starting to seriously irk me, she slams her fist down on my reception desk, causing a decent chunk of the wood to break off and fall down to the dusty floor below.

“Ah man, that's funny! You? An adventurer?! Boss, ya gotta stop fucking with me...!" She sighs, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "What are you, like... forty?”

I indulge in a nervous habit, adjusting my shades out of my growing sense of irritation. “I'm only thirty-two, thank you very much."

“Oh, really? Huh. Guess you’re not THAT much older than me...” She holds back a playful, slightly bitchy laugh.

“Are you this rude to everyone you meet, or am I just lucky?”

“I wasn’t trying to be rude! I’m just saying, ain't that a bit too old to shake things up and become an adventurer?"

"Typically speaking, yes. If you hadn't noticed, though, this place isn't doing so well. I am the Guild Master of an empty Guild." I look at the girl, and seeing that she seems invested in what I have to say, I open up to her and continue to talk. "My savings are low, I tire of what I have become, and there's not much else I can do with my life..."

"Hold up, I'm kinda confused. I thought Dewhurst was supposed to be the best adventuring town there ever was? How come the Guild ended up like this?"

I'm not about to grace the adventurer with my life story, not after I just recapped it to myself for inexplicable reasons during my depression. I simply shrug my shoulders and sit back down at my desk. "Are you new at this?"

"Yeah," She tilts her head. "Just got registered a couple of weeks ago. Why?”

"Because you're roughly twenty years too late. These days, you'll want to head to Perlshaw if you want the capital of adventuring. Didn't they tell you that when you registered?"

"Nah, man. I registered in Perlshaw and asked to be stationed at Dewhurst."

"You... wanted to come to Dewhurst?" I ask incredulously. I can't fathom the idea that someone could see all the fantastic luxuries that the Perlshaw Guild offers and then ask to be transferred elsewhere. Especially not here.

"I mean, yeah? I heard how badass Dewhurst was, and I thought it'd be the best place in the Realm for me! Plus, the Guild Master back at Perlshaw was a major sleazebag. We're talking like super creep vibes, ya know? And... uh..." The girl pauses, sweat trickling down her brow. "Perlshaw's a little too close to the royal city for my tastes." She mutters under her breath.

Maybe she didn't expect me to hear that, but it raises a red flag. I raise an eyebrow, asking, "And why would that matter? Are you some sort of criminal on the run?"

"What?!" She panics, slamming her fists into my desk once more. Even more of it breaks, raising my irritation higher than it's been in years. "Of course I ain't some kinda criminal! Trust me!"

Well, she's not lying. I would've picked it up with my eyes if she was. It's none of my business, but I get to thinking about why else she would possibly not want to be around the royal city of Imperalis. She's quite pretty, so an amusing idea comes to mind.

I jest, "Then if you're not a criminal, I suppose that would make you a runaway noblewoman who got tired of her stuffy life. Let me guess. You were never allowed to play with swords like you always dreamed of, and you yearned for a life of adventure. One day, things became too much to bear, and you set off into the night when no one was watching. Does that sound about right?"

The adventurer's jaw drops, and she starts blushing after blurting. "Gods, where have you been all my life...? You totally get it, holy-" She stops talking abruptly, realizing she admitted to my sarcastic hypothesis. "Ah... ahahaha!"

Turning away, the blonde starts scratching the back of her head and avoiding eye contact. "Forget being an adventurer, Boss. If this Guild Master junk doesn't work out, then ya should try out being a jester! I-I mean, look at me- I'm just a tomboy with a big sword! It ain't like I'm a Princess or anything..."

"...Right. Of course, you’re not."

I didn’t say anything about this girl being a Princess, but she may have just let something very worrying slip. Now that I take another look at her, something comes to mind. Aren’t the members of House Lundreame known for having bright blonde hair and striking green eyes?

Not only that, but the current Crown Princess wouldn't be much older than this girl right here if I recall correctly. There were festivities all across the Realm celebrating her eighteenth birthday just a few weeks ago.

Even a shut-in like me heard about it, so you know it was a big deal. I believe her name was Samantha?

Not that it matters, since this girl isn't the Crown Princess. That would be laughable. She’s probably just the daughter of some minor Lord, or what have you. Adventurers with backstories like hers are common, and it's not my duty to pry into her personal history.

I don't know if this strange girl was sent by the Goddess to be my one last shot or whatever, but I need to figure out what I'm doing with her.

"Moving on, we have a lot to discuss. How about you hand over your license so that I can inspect it?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure thing," Still avoiding me, the girl fumbles with her hand after shoving it inside her breastplate, pulling out a wonderful-smelling card that she then hands to me.

"Gods damn it all," I feel a stress headache coming on the second I read the license and discover not only that my guest is a Great Blader named 'Sam' but that she turned eighteen years old only a few weeks ago.

"Uh, s-something wrong...?" Her sweat increases as she shifts around in place.

"No, no. Everything is fine. Is Sam short for anything, by chance?"

She picks up on my implication and laughs a nervous laugh. "Yes! I mean, nope! It's... uh..." Grasping at straws as best she can, Sam covers her ass with the poorest lie she can pull out of it. "It's short for Samilda!"

"Of course it is. And do you have a last name, 'Samilda'?"

"Lu-" She starts to answer on reflex but stops herself. "L... lucky for me, I don't!"

Lucky indeed.

"Not very good with fake names, are you?" I ask, almost feeling sorry for the girl at this rate.

The blonde groans and grits her teeth. "Fake names are hard, ok? I've never done this shit before!" Then, she realizes what she just said before trying to frantically cover it up. "...Is what I would be saying if Samilda was a fake name and not my real one. Which it is."

I don't even know what to say at this point. I'm tempted to slam my head into my desk, but she's roughed it up so much that I'm afraid it will break if I do.

Sam yanks her license out of my hands and deposits it back in her breastplate, then tries to move us past her embarrassing slip-ups by saying, "Look, just tell me what all living here is gonna be like or set me up with a quest, alright? Don't worry about my name, or where I come from, or all that junk. Just do what you gotta do, and I'll do what I gotta do."

I sigh and stand up from the desk, adjusting my clothes so I look just a bit more presentable and less like I'm on the precipice of the abyss. Just do what I gotta do, huh? I'm not even sure what that is anymore.

I was ready to give up on everything not even ten minutes ago, but assuming that this young Princess here isn't a feverish delusion I'm suffering through, my plans have been thrown for a loop. Whether or not this will amount to anything remains to be seen, but I suppose I'm going to have to play the role of a Guild Master at least until this girl moves on to better pastures.

"If you're really planning on staying here, Sam, then I have things which I must see to. While I do, we can start you on a small quest as you desire. How much experience do you have?" Barring notable exceptions, the Association doesn't certify humans unless they're eighteen.

She's undoubtedly a rookie, but I need to know how much she's capable of handling if I'm going to oversee her. For Sam’s sake, I sure as hell hope she’s strong enough that she can justify that set of bikini armor.

"None. I got registered right after my eighteenth birthday, and then it was straight to Dewhurst, so I haven't actually been on a quest yet!"

"Is that so?" I'm not proud of it, but my eyes wander as soon as she reminds me of her age. Gods, she really shouldn't be wearing bikini armor with a body like that, especially not when she's so young.

It might give the vile ruffians of this town the wrong idea, myself included.

I swallow nervously and look away from the barely-legal blonde only for a moment, but when I turn around, she's leaning across the table and staring at me with a smug grin spread across her youthful face.

"Ohoho...? Is something the matter?" Her eyes narrow, almost sadistically so.

Before I can say a word, Sam continues to speak while delighting in my uncomfortable reaction. "C'mon, Boss. Get it together!" She places her pointer finger against my pectoral muscle, beginning to draw little shapes through my shirt. "You're a professional Guild Master, aren't ya? Surely you wouldn't go drooling over an innocent young adventurer staying under your care now, would you?"

This girl is dangerous. I feel like being around such a shameless flirt will not go well for me, especially considering my status as a virgin.

Pathetic, I know, but I also don't care.

For most of my life, I was too busy with work to ever consider pursuing relationships. I never had that many candidates in the first place, either. Not only does this town hate me, but they make sure to remind me of that fact at any chance they get.

While it's true that Dewhurst has brothels aplenty, the delights of a cheap thrill don’t overpower my desire to remain free of pelvic misfortune. Goddesses know I don't want to have to visit Miss Hart's clinic over something like that. She'd sooner cut it off than heal it.

All I'm trying to say is that I don't have the mental capacity to be ashamed of my virginity, not when there's already so much weighing me down.

I have my erotica, and I have my right hand. That's enough for me in theory, but that apathy won't do me much good when a ceaseless nymphet is intentionally playing with my buttons.

I swat Sam's hand away and sharply exhale through my nose. "That's enough sexual harassment out of you,"

"Aw, c'mon!" She laughs. "I barely did anything."

"And let's keep it that way."

The girl's smirk becomes more extensive, and she ends up punching me in the shoulder a lot harder than she meant to. Gods, she's strong, but I ignore it because I take it as her trying to be playful.

"Not gonna lie, you're legit kind of adorable.” The girl laughs, and I look away yet again. “I was just trying to mess with ya a little bit, but... man, if a pretty little thing with daddy issues walked in, I bet she'd barely be able to keep her hands off of you!"

Sam's words are half in jest, but I can tell she’s also somewhat sincere. You don't have to have excellent eyes like mine to pick up on the fact that this girl has a not-so-subtle thing for older men.

Her teasing makes me blush, and I scowl uncomfortably while retorting, "Daddy issues? You? I would have never guessed." That armor set of hers just screams, 'I want my father to be proud of me', but I keep that comment to myself lest I inadvertently invite more of Sam's attention.

"You’re hilarious, asshole." Sam rolls her eyes, laughing off my insult as she plays with her hair. The expression on her face tells me she's a bit embarrassed, but if that's the case, she shouldn't have been so flirty in the first place.

I swear...

I really need to get her out of here to work on cleaning up a room for her, and after that, I've got to see what I can manage for supper.

Unfortunately for me, someone else has other plans.

The girl stops in her tracks, her face deep in thought as she stares at me without saying a word. Her cheeks blush the longer she does so until she finally speaks up, her smile widening into a playful grin once more. "Ya know, Daddy-"

"Do not call me that," I grumble as firmly as I can.

"I'll call you whatever I want, Daddy," Sam repeats herself, the word reaching into my core and doing unspeakable things to me. Full of mischief, the bratty blond reaches out to my glasses and impishly rubs the golden rim with her gloved finger.

"I just thought ya might look a bit nicer without these things. They're kinda cool, but this place is almost pitch black. Who're you trying to impress?" She continues laughing before making a huge mistake as she innocently grabs my glasses, pulling them off of my nose.

"SHIT-!" I stumble backward, covering my eyes behind my hand reflexively. In my sudden state of shock, I stumble onto the ground beside the desk.

Sam's devilish face contorts into one of sincere, heartfelt concern. She couldn't have known this would happen, and my reaction terrifies the girl who only wanted to be a shameless flirt.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" She hurriedly tries to hand me back my glasses. "Boss, what did I do?! Are you alright?! Gah! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!!" In her frenzied, apologetic state, she accidentally drops my shades instead of giving them back. "Fuck!"

"It's fine, it's-" I reach around for them with my free hand. I'm not worried about them breaking. They’re virtually indestructible, as far as I'm aware.

Sam, however, doesn't know that. She panics, dropping to her knees to help pick them up. In the process, she accidentally headbutts me with great force.

Both of us call out from the pain, and Sam ends up toppling over on my body. In any other scenario, I might be happy to feel this girl pressed up against me, but not when she has a gigantic sword strapped to her back. It must weigh over a hundred pounds, maybe two, and all of it crashes against my body.

The sudden pain makes me open my eyes, and I couldn't prepare myself for what I was about to see. My heart races, beating faster than it's ever done before in my life as I stare, mouth agape.

I can look at her.

Without my glasses, I can actually look straight at Sam, and there isn't an ounce of pain. My eyes don't even zero in on all of her features, no. They just act as a regular pair of eyes, letting me take in all of this girl's natural beauty for myself at my own pace.

How?

How can this be possible? This has never happened before. Granted, it's not like I've intentionally taken off my glasses on a whim or anything just to see if maybe I could look at this one specific person normally, but... I don't understand.

Sam... is she special, somehow? She would have to be, as I can't think of another reason this would possibly be happening.

While I'm having this profound, life-changing experience, Sam just stares down at me awkwardly. Her cheeks are red once again, but for the most part, her expression is genuinely concerned even as I glare up at the girl like an absolute creep.

Even as she lays across my body, though, not a single impure thought crosses my mind. I just want to look at her, maybe even cry a little bit. She's beautiful. Everything about her is gorgeous. Those emerald eyes, her pink skin, that boyishly unkempt hair, I-

"Boss? Are ya, uh... ya doin' ok down there?" She looks down, biting her lower lip from worry.

"Sam..." Damn it, she's so innocent and kind. I need to stop being a complete weirdo. I just met this girl. She’s obviously a Princess. She’s barely legal. Damn it, there's a fourteen-year age gap! Stop making this worse on yourself, man, and pull out while you still can!

"You're beautiful." I thoughtlessly whisper, my lips disobeying every warning sign my brain tried giving them. To make matters all the more awkward, small tears run down my cheeks as I gaze into her emerald eyes.

Gods damn it all. Really followed through on the whole 'needing to stop being a complete weirdo' bit, didn't I?

"...W-What?!" Sam stares back at me, though to my surprise, it's not out of revulsion, but confusion. Her entire face burns bright red.

Finally, some measure of my willpower comes back, and I'm able to wrestle away my eyes long enough to cover them up with my hand. "It... it was nothing, ignore it. Glasses, please. Hand them to me, and I can explain..."

"Oh, uh, yeah..." The girl puts them in my palm, and I snap them back into place on my nose. "Are... are you ok, Boss?"

"I will be once you get off of me,"

"R-Right..." She awkwardly frowns, then gets up. Sam leans over to extend her hand to me, her face suddenly scared. "I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were gonna freak out like that. Please don't be mad at me... I... I don't have anywhere else to go, and I really wanted to stay here..."

Seeing the girl like this after everything that just happened, well, I can't possibly be mad at her. Only confused. I take Sam's hand, allowing her to pull me up with all her strength.

"I'm not mad. I just need you to know that my glasses are for medical reasons. They're magic."

"Shit, really?" She blinks, tilting her head as she looks closer at my Dwarven-made specs. "Wait... are the glasses magic, or are your eyes?"

"Both. The long and short of it is whenever I'm not wearing my glasses, my eyes explode with pain because of just how good I can see things."

"Ohhhh... is that why you keep it so dark in here?"

"No. All the lights are off because before you came along, I was brooding. Are you happy?" I raise an eyebrow sarcastically, watching a hint of Sam's playfulness return to her face as she weakly smiles back.

"Do that sorta thing often, do ya?"

"More than I'd like to admit." I get caught up in the moment and end up giving her a grin of my own.

Her happiness fades, and once again, the girl is overtaken with concern. Sam takes a step forward, invading my personal space as she grabs hold of both my hands. I'd try to pull away, but my heart just about explodes when she touches me so brazenly, even though her thick gloves are in the way.

"Are ya really ok, Boss? You were staring at me just fine a minute ago... and ya even said... um..." As her nervousness starts increasing, she squeezes my hands harder until they begin to hurt. "Gah, what I'm trying to say is that if ya need to go chill for a bit, then I understand. I'll just fuck off for a bit, and ya can hook me up with a quest when you're feeling all better."

"Thank you for the concern, but I assure you I'm totally fine... this sort of thing happens from time to time," After the initial shock fades, I manage to wrench my hands away from hers and step away. Wiping some sweat off of my brow with a handkerchief I keep in my pocket, and I walk away from the desk. "If you'll just follow me for a moment, then I'll get you set up and ready to go."

Sam is wary, but she follows me past four dining tables to reach the right-hand corner of the entrance hall where I keep the quest board. "We may not get any local work from the townspeople these days, but there are plenty of Association-issued bounties for culling monsters in the area. Like this one, always a classic for young adventurers looking to take on their first foe."

I take one of the bounty posters off the board. Naturally, the one I choose for Sam is the poster depicting a basic Slime. I try to hand it to the girl, but at this point, Sam is crossing her arms, and a severe look rests on her face.

She refuses to take the poster.

"Seriously, you're freaking me out a bit. Your face is red, you're covered in sweat, and you're getting all worked up the more you talk to me. I don't really wanna leave you alone right now, Boss. What if you're coming down with something?"

Her concern warms my heart, but the thought of Sam staying here sends my mind into overdrive. I need her to leave for a bit because I can't handle this for much longer.

Taking in a deep breath, I calm myself as best I can before straightening my posture and once again handing her the bounty. "This is completely normal," I lie, and she knows it. "I'll be fine if you just leave me alone for long enough that I can sort my thoughts out. Take the eastern gate and head out into the plains, and come back after you've killed five or so Slimes. Please?"

Sam stares at me in silence for a few moments before eventually taking the poster in her hand and frowning at me. "Fine, if that'll really help ya out, I guess. I still don't feel good about leaving you on your own, but whatever..." She sighs. "Promise me you'll be alright, though? Please?"

Gods, hearing just how concerned this girl is over someone like me comforts me far more than it reasonably should. In a way, it anchors me amid all these messed-up emotions and helps me get through this bizarre situation.

"Yes, Sam. I promise I'll be fine. And you know what? I'll feel even better once you get out there and earn the both of us some gold."

Sam doesn't quite believe me but smiles nonetheless. "Good enough for me," She shrugs her shoulders, turning around so she can walk toward the door. Like a total creep, I find myself disappointed that the view of her bikini-armored behind is obscured by her massive sword.

Wait... why am I even trying to look at this girl's ass so blatantly? I would never do such a thing if I were in my right mind. What the hell is wrong with me? Sam is right. Ever since she knocked my glasses off, I've been out of sorts.

"See ya in a bit, Boss?" On her way out, Sam turns over her shoulder to face me. She's still very concerned, at least until, for whatever reason, her eyes travel downwards. That's when her face lights up, and her eyes become pinpricks. "Holy SHIT, that is a big-ass boner!" The Princess blurts out the most surreal sentence I've ever heard in my life.

Reluctantly, my eyes look down to see what the fuck she's talking about. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this.

Jutting out from my pants is the most enormous erection I've ever had. I'm not just hard. I’m supernaturally hard. This can't be happening to me. Did I accidentally kill myself when I placed that dagger against my skin? Is all this stuff with Sam just my brain hallucinating as it slowly fades into whatever comes next?

That has to be the case because I can't imagine how I would get so gigantically hard and not even notice. For fuck's sake, it looks like I magically gained six fucking inches out of nowhere.

"This is... I... Oh, Gods... it's..."

Sam averts her eyes, laughing. "It's a boner, Daddy, and uh... ya might wanna take care of it while I'm out. I'm no genius or nothing, but I feel like you'll probably calm the fuck down if ya bust a nut or two." The girl manages to take another look at my erection, then looks up at my eyes and winks. "Guess I shouldn’t be too surprised since ya said I’m beautiful and all that..." She smirks one last time before darting off to take on some Slimes for her first adventure.

As soon as she's gone, I somehow manage to haul my ass back over to my reception desk and sit down in the chair. Sam is right... something is wrong with me.

Maybe I caught some sort of magical plague that sends adults into a second puberty where their emotions are jumbled up, and their dicks grow twice as big. What the fuck do I know?

I'll tell you what I do know- nothing, absolutely nothing... aside from one simple fact, that is.

I should probably follow Sam's advice.