RotGM Chapter 76 - Alone

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I’m facing my destiny now, apparently. I have no choice but to step up to the plate.

So many things are running through my head, and the adrenaline of my intellectual victory over the Goddess of Last Light herself has long since faded. Just an hour ago I felt like I could take on the Demon Lord and his entire army myself.

Now?

Now I just feel like shit.

But hey, at least I can fuck better now, right.

Glad I got my priorities straight...

I left a note in the entrance hall saying that I had a hell of a day and that I don’t think I’ll be leaving the bedroom any time soon, and that the girls should head over to Opal’s if they want to be fed tonight. For some reason I just don’t feel much like cooking.

I strip down and put on my pajama pants, close the blinds, make the room as dark as I can and then take my glasses off, replacing them with my sleeping mask. Then I crawl the fuck back into bed so I can be alone with my thoughts...

Alone... yeah, right.

As bad as I feel, I feel even worse knowing that that bratty little bitch is probably completely aware of my thoughts and feelings this very second... she’s probably laughing her ass off at how I’ve become a nervous wreck despite how I acted in her presence.

The note wasn’t really to tell them I wouldn’t cook for them, not really.

I just want attention but don’t feel mentally at home enough to ask for it. I knew if I put something to that effect then those three will drop whatever they’re doing and try to come comfort me...

And they will. They’re good girls...

Girls that I’m in love with.

Girls that I have to lead into battle against the greatest threat the realms have ever known.

Girls that could die because of me and my oncoming war against the encroaching darkness.

...

No.

I’m not a failure, I never failed Grandpa.

I thought I did, but it wasn’t my fault. I really did do my best all those years after all, didn’t I...?

I won’t fail Sam, Zutiria, Meri, Opal, or even Gwin and Nikita.

I’m not going to fall into depression again. This isn’t like when Perlshaw happened. I’m not alone. I have options. I have weapons... My mind... my semen... the ability to fall in love and be loved by a myriad of young adventurers, and...

My eyes.

They have to be the key to everything- she said that the true power is exactly what I’ve been wishing for.

Only one thing comes to mind...

How do I do it?

How?

HOW?

Can’t tell me that one, can you Luxy?

Huh?

“HUH?!” I look up at the ceiling and scream, reaching behind me for a pillow. When I find one I lob it upwards with all of my strength and scream even louder before falling to my knees and holding back an angry sob.

I... fucking... just...

‘Coo. Coooooo.’

...?

I hear the fluttering of wings and the telltale cooing of a dove coming from my left over on the nightstand. After donning my glasses I look over to see one of Luxy’s servants sitting next to a big, tall mug of Grandpa’s favorite beer...

I...

Mmmn.

Even on the third glass it’s just as amazing as the first sip...

The dove flies away through the hole Nikita made in the bedroom door and I’m alone with my thoughts once again. Only I guess I’m never truly alone, am I?

It doesn’t HAVE to be bad.

Where even was I...? Ah, yes. I believe I was dwelling on my eyes...

If there was only a single thing that I wanted above all else right now... something that I’ve been dwelling on for about three weeks... it’d be THAT. Wouldn’t it?

A way to accompany my girls without actually leaving the Guild, exposing myself to danger and getting in their way. I’m an intellectual, and Luxy said it herself best when she told me she sculpted my heart.

I’m a lover, not a fighter.

I’m the brains, and she has some sort of purpose for me... for all of this.

And if she wanted me to be a Hero who faces down the darkness with a magic sword in tow then she wouldn’t have had to tell Grandpa off. She specifically wanted me to be a Guild Master- a bureaucratic pencil pusher.

And my eyes tie into that.

I have ideas on how it might be implemented, but... unlocking it? What did she even say about the topic... She compared it to one of those Dwarven tabletop games and said my blessing’s still at level one.

Me? I’m thirty two. Why would the blessing I’ve had since I was level one still be so weak?

...

Gears turn in my head. Information is sorted, ideas brought up, discarded and re-evaluated... as if a clockwork machination I do my best to calculate the only possibility. Have I always been able to think so clearly and efficiently? It doesn’t matter. Worrying about it is unnecessary information.

What IS necessary is a certain thing that Luxy said.

She messed up the initial blessing because she’d been out of practice... my eyes were never supposed to hurt.

From the age of five to ten I gradually became unable to open my eyes more and more until I couldn’t do it at all without searing pain. I’ll assume that the pain was worse because they were fully done developing at that point and my mortal mind wasn’t able to handle all that magical nonsense so it was processed as a sensory overload.

But what if the overload of information was the point?

In that case, the only thing I can imagine is-

“Fuckin’ yikes, lad. The darkest pits’a the Obsidian Abyss ain’t got nothin’ on this shitehole. An what th’ fuck’s with ya drinkin in bed in the afternoon like me da’ when the Elven brother’s closed fer disinfecting’? Ya look like some sorta topless, alcoholic vampire.”

I turn to Gwin and sigh. “I feel like a topless, alcoholic vampire.”

“Ye, well... um... nice pecs tho.” She smiles and gives me a teasing thumbs up, only to get worried when she realizes I don’t smile back or retort with any of my usual wit and charm. “...Ah saw yer note. Was comin’ on up to fix up th’ latest casualty if th’ Grekkan’s ongoin’ war with yer Guild’s structural integrity. Ya wan’ ah should come back later?”

“Yes.”

Gwin sours her face and after unbuckling her tool belt and setting it down outside the room, the Dwarf girl walks toward me and closes the door behind her. She sits down at the edge of the massive bed and I can see the slight light in her bright, green eyes. They have an almost shimmering look to them which if I remember right helps her species see better when deep in the mountains and caves of their Home-realm.

If I were feeling more like myself, I’d tell her how beautiful I found them.

“Ya wanna fuck? Cave ain’t been mined before.”

“Not really. It’s not you, it’s just...”

“S’fine. Jus thought ah’d offer. Wouldn’ mind n’ all that... if it were you...”

“What makes me so special? We’ve known each other for what... eight days? Nine?”

Gwin’s shimmering eyes glow with a quiet anger. “Yer special cause I think yer cute, ya make me laugh, an ya happen to be th’ only decent man in this whole town who ain’t a member of mah own kin. Fuck’s it matter?”

I look down and start thinking aloud. “I know you wouldn’t be on that ‘app’ since you’re not an adventurer, but... I wonder how high our compatibility is? What number are you?”

“Ah ain’t a fuckin’ number. Dunno shite about what yer ass is on about an I get yer goin’ through some... shite with a Goddess or summin’... but lad come th’ fuck off it for I slap ya.” Gwin tries to hold back some small, angry tears, and it makes me hang my head in response.

“Sorry. I was just thinking to myself.”

“No ya weren’. Ya were thinkin’ to me. Ah was there an’ ah heard it. Stop that shit.”

“Stop thinking?”

“Ye. Yer clearly doin’ too much’ve the damn thing.”

I laugh a little laugh. “You’re probably right.”

“Ah... can leave ye alone if ye want that.” Gwin starts to scoot off the bed but I reach over to grab her wrist before that happens and shake my head.

“I don’t want that.”

“Righ’. Ya darn men and yer complicated emotions.” She mockingly shrugs and moves closer.

“If I put my blindfold on will you lay with me, Gwin?” I ask her sincerely and quietly.

“A-Ah... if that’s what yer into, ah guess?” She blushes and looks around the room awkwardly. “Fuck, ya don’ know how to start slow now do ya?”

“No,” I laugh. “No. I meant this. It helps me sleep without accidentally opening my eyes and... you know.”

“O-Oh. Righ’, course it does.” The Dwarf laughs nervously and scratches her head. “So... ye want I should just... um... fuck do ya Humans call it again?”

“Cuddle with me.”

“Mmm. That’s it. Ah believe in Dwarvish we call it ‘bein’ a fuckin’ pussy’ but that’s yet prerogative, Lad. C’mon, scoot an’ lemme on under there ah s’pose.”

I put on my sleep mask and lift up the covers for her to join me under them. She blushes and quickly follows my lead, and I wrap my arms around my newest, littlest spoon. While I can’t see her I’m entirely certain that she’s blushing like mad.

“Everyone still training?” I ask.

“...Why, am ah not good enough for ya? Ya want me to go get’m so they can cheer ya up instead?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“...Sorry. Yer feeling arse enough on yer own, ye don’t need me an mah shit righ’ now. Ah’m just gonna-”

I hug the busty Dwarf even tighter and she makes an embarrassed grunt, but doesn’t struggle.

“Um... Ya wanna talk about th’ fuck happened, Lad? Yer kinda sendin’ some mixed messages...”

I sigh. “Not yet... Maybe later on.”

I do want to talk about it but I also don’t. Eventually I’m going to gather all my current allies in one room and just... talk about everything. Maybe tonight or tomorrow after I’ve had a chance to calm down a bit.

Part of me is worried what they’ll all think... Sam will be excited most likely, as she wants to bring down the Demon Lord and sees my Guild and my power as a way to do that. Zutiria will support any decision I make... Meri’s made a lot of steps forward with her courage but I can only imagine what sort of reaction she’ll have when I announce my intention to aim at the greatest of evils.

Opalina, though? I’ve never even told Opalina about my destiny before, always clamming up whenever she asked me what disappointed Grandpa so much that his heart gave out. I’m afraid she might be upset that I never told the truth to her.

Probably not, but my negativity is coloring my thoughts with unnecessary darkness.

“What’re ya thinkin’ bout?” Gwin asks quietly.

“Too many things.” I respond somberly and continue to cuddle the Dwarf. “Way too many things...”

“Didn’ ah tell ya to knock that shit off? Gonna have to pull out mah ultimate weapon here if ya don’t listen to mah advice, ah’m warning ya.” Her voice becomes serious.

“And what would that entail? And for that matter, would you mind if we borrowed it? The Guild could use more powerful weapons at our disposal.” I unintentionally lay thick a little humor, perhaps inspired by Gwin’s can-do attitude.

Gwin in turn lets out a soft yet deep laugh and shakes her head.

“Ain’t that kinda weapon. Ahm talkin’ bout mah woman’s intuition.”

“Is that so...? Well, I won’t deny it’s a mighty force to be reckoned with so you may as well whip it out for me and I’ll be the judge of whether we can use it to slay monsters or not.”