Road Dog Diaries, rebooooooot!

Welcome back to Road Dog Diaries!

We’ve come a long way baby!

As you may know, Oct 25 I had my hysterectomy, which came with some serious surprises and obstacles.

I’ve posted extensively on my PATREON about this harrowing journey and my rocky recovery, so if you haven’t read about it, feel free to scroll back to September. The month it all hit me and I ended up on bed rest to avoid emergency surgery. As I think back and write about it, the tears inevitably rise and that’s ok. Through the last 6 months I have deeply reflected on how fragile life is. What a gift I have been given to experience all the beauty and harshness of it and all the textures in between.

Today I find myself making the 3 hour car journey from West PR to San Juan to board a flight to Kansas City to visit Jeremys family. Sadly my health kept me from visiting after the Surgery. I stayed house bound much of my time in Illinois. Much of that time on bed rest. Between my compromised immune system and health issues with his family we had to stay separated and never got to visit them before we traveled back home to PR, our full time home.

Today we celebrate the fact that my health is better and immune system is much stronger.

It will feel good to wrap our arms around his family before we make the 5 hour drive to Illinois to spend time with my family before my return to Pickers for work.

My son Miles is a welder for John Deere. He works very long hours normally and is balancing a lot right now between home and work so I anticipate that I won’t get to see him as much as either of us would like but I know we will make the time together count. We always do. Miles works to strengthen his Union at work and is a safety inspector. It fits his personality so well! After my surgery he was the first to chime in if I was doing too much or not being as careful as he thought I should. “Mom, remember that the Dr. Said only 3lbs and your purse is at least 10. Let’s reorganize your beg to a safer weight”. “Mom, doc says no bending, it looks like you are trying to bend. Please ask for help”, etc. he has always been the voice of reason in my life. He was taxed with being “the man of the house” at a very young age. Men and women would come and go as role models but he was the one always holding it down as they fluttered in and out. He takes responsibility very seriously when it comes to his family, because family is incredibly important to him. I often regret that I instilled those gender roles on him but I’m happy that he has found a way to even out and prioritize his mental health. Men get stuck with bullshit stereotypical gender roles like women do. They can be difficult to work through. He is driven to provide for his household and that makes me proud on one hand but also causes me concern for his overall health as factory work can be an exhausting grind. Thank the Gods he has the union to help keep him protected from working himself into the ground. But, even so, factory work is tough and pay is not what it should be considering Deere’s recent record profits. I’m proud of him for making the equipment the farmers need to feed America and the world. I’ll speak more in this at a later time but I can’t wait to hug my boy again. He is an incredible young man.

I speak more often about Memphis, my daughter because she has a more public persona. Miles tends to be more private.

As I return home to Illinois/Iowa I’m thrilled to teachMemphis more about burlesque. I believe her introduction into the world at large was quite harsh with fame circling her and predators howling at the door. She was very young when I started on TV and I did not understand the dangers this entertainment would pose in her life. I simply thought my kids would benefit from having some sense of financial stability. Little did I know how easy it would be for predatory men to find her through social media, and at such a tender age (and how financially unstable the entertainment industry is) It has greatly effected her mental health and choices in life. I’m so proud of how she took ownership of her body and mind to work through these abuses that were heaped on her by child predators through social media by way of my TV job. I’m thankful that she always had the ultimate respect from my TV crew. She is learning so much about the grooming she experienced by these predatory (social media) men and how to take her power back. Working in Burlesque with momma has been a chance for us to continue our bonding and another outlet for her to curate the life she wants. It’s a long process, learning one’s voice. I’m lucky to be alive to help in her process the pain of her past and embrace her future as she feels appropriate. We have chosen to share a large part of this process with the world to help folks understand the complexities of our chosen careers in striptease and sex work adjacent industries. The layers are deep! We are processing everything mentally together. There are feelings of pride, security, insecurity, power, loss of power, guilt, accountability and on and on…. Soon you will be able to join us on our journey. It will be emotionally raw and at times shocking, make no mistake, but it is our healing process. We hope it help you heal as well.

Lastly, I will be making my return to American Pickers after 7 long months of recovery. I’m feeling stronger than I have in over a year. The entire year before my surgery was taxing, depressing, triggering and terrifying at work and home as I maneuvered the health care system in Puerto Rico and Illinois to find out what was the source of my lack of mobility and chronic pain. I was so scared to share it publicly at first.

I felt absolutely helpless and hopeless. Often times unable to effectively work in antiques and striptease because of my lack of mobility and pain level. I’m excited to go back to work and feel capable of performing my tasks again. I would even go so far as to say I’m happy to perform my tasks again. I’ve learned that the hustle and grind no longer serves me so I am returning to pickers and Burlesque on new terms. Constantly reminding myself that I deserve peace and moments of silence when I feel overwhelmed with work. For years I operated with a deep cutting fear that I had to work twice as hard as the men around me to make the same pay. I now realize that I will never make the same pay or get the same respect from the public so I refuse to hustle and grind for an ideal that does not exist in my reality. I am going back to do the job I was hired for and not one thing more unless it ultimately serves me, my family and mental health. Im happy to have the support of my peers in production on this journey. I’ve seen and learned a lot through the last 14 years in this business and my take away is this, I only have one family, mind and one body, I won’t waste them for anything. Nothing is worth it. Not fame. Not money. Not love. Folks who truly love me would rather have my time and attention than a pile of money that eventually blows away. In addition, I can never get back those moments that defined the lives of myself and my children. I’ve missed too much by being always on my grind. I refuse to waste another moment working for anything that does not fill my heart with compassion, joy, warmth and comfort. The grind kills my compassion, joy, warmth and comfort at every turn.

I’m joyful to return to work with a healthier mindset. I’m thankful to be welcomed back by the compassionate the arms of my team. Onward and upward!

Stay tuned as my road journey unfolds through the end of this month.