Road Dog Diaries, Perfection and the Loneliness

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

Brené Brown,

This photo is an oldie but a goodie.

Since the time I started traveling for American pickers, antique archaeology, 10 years ago, I have struggled with 2 things, loneliness and the fear of imperfection.

I love to be by myself, maybe to avoid the judgement of others, maybe just because I’m not social. I feel that I am my own best company most of the time because of the way that my brain, body, life and heart work. But that can be a dangerous place, being your own best company. It can become a dark and lonesome place before you know it.

Loving your own company means that you would rather be around yourself than anyone else. That means that you probably struggle with socialization and often times underestimate the importance of it or how negative the impact upon the lack of it.

When I’m on the road for one week, it’s easy for me to get in, do my work, get out and go home. No sweat. Easy Peasy.

However... When I’m on the road for two weeks or a month it becomes more problematic. I start daydreaming of the things I left behind. I have my beautiful fur babies back home, my wonderful loving life partner, sunsets on the roof of the car, the comfort of my house and the smells and sights and sounds of it, my trusted tribe of friends and loved ones, and of course the endless ocean.

All of these things very much make up who I am and how I identify myself. When I find myself on the road for two weeks at a time like I am right now, I feel stripped of everything that makes me, me. It tears me down to bare bones. All of my attachments, loves, interests are all of a sudden scattered and gone, save one, vintage. I throw myself into and obsess over vintage.

Because the missing of all of these people and things can be so terrible sometimes I have to completely shut it all out of my mind. I would rather feel numb than feel that incredible loneliness and the missing of everything and everyone I love back home.

I’m thankful that I have Haley, Mike and production to rely on when the distance gets too much. They are all personally understanding of that pain. I am blessed to have an incredible crew of people around me should I need or want them.

This trip was spent in Iowa, Davenport, working on AP for the first week and working on my other projects for the second week on the road. This means that I am physically close to my blood family and part of my burlesque family which is a beautiful feeling. So I’m thankful for that, but still quite disconnected from my current home.

So, what does one do when they are feeling stretched apart, distanced, lonely, so far away… This is an important question folks. Especially considering all of the tabloid fodder about Pickers lately.

“So-and-so has an addiction. The other guy’s going through a divorce. That one girl is doing weird things”. Etc., etc., etc.

I’m learning that the world likes to watch while people light themselves on fire. But there’s something important to remember in all of that. There is humanity behind those humans. Even if all those humans are in disagreement, there is humanity behind those humans and all they are doing is acting human. Sometimes they’re acting human all over each other, in the best way, the worst way, sometimes they’re acting human despite one another, sometimes they’re acting human to love and embrace one another. It’s a mixed bag...

But the tabloids are only there for one piece of the conversation. Usually the most disturbing, distracting, negative, embarrassing or problematic pieces of a persons life. Often times those disturbing, problematic pieces of a persons life happen on the road when they are feeling the most distressed, depressed and disconnected. The most brokenhearted. The most unsure of themselves.

When I’m feeling these kind of feelings I have to work extra hard to find a level of emotional sobriety to keep me healthy both physically and mentally while road doggin it. As you can imagine I have watched many friends fall into the depths of despair while out here on the road. A lot of Road Dogs I know are generally wonderful people and incredible partners. Often, when they are there next to their families things fit together, but as soon as they go on the road for two weeks or a month they have to emotionally disconnect in order to go out and do the job. To emotionally disconnect on that level leaves a gaping hole in your life that must be filled with something.

I try really hard to fill that hole with exercise, vintage shopping, trying new foods, lots of baths, learning Spanish, spending as much time as I can muster up with loved ones, etc. If I don’t take the time to strategize on how to maintain my peace and sanity on the road I will fall into a deep and dark place.

In the past I have found myself trying to climb out of that deep dark place through all kinds of unhealthy means. Sometimes I still do, but that’s my humanity showing. And that’s why I have my therapist on speed dial.

The show that we make is a really fun show to watch, it’s a fun show to produce and be a part of. But please do remember that everybody involved in this show are imperfect humans that were plucked out of obscurity from very scattered places in our lives. We are far from perfect. We are a bunch of vulnerable folks who are just understanding our vulnerability. We are all people who do not desire nor do we understand how to look perfect. We are people that embrace imperfection, rust, patina, backstories etc.

Often, I watch people in this industry fight tooth and nail to look perfectly pleasing to the viewer. We want to skip the hard work of digging into our trauma and emotional baggage, looking at that for what it is, which at times is very ugly. We want to skip that part and just move straight to the look of perfection. That just doesn’t work.

This is incredibly problematic because it gives the world outside of the TV industry the impression that money, power, opportunity can buy us a new life, a new personality, a new partner or a look of perfection. I am here to tell you right now, it cannot fix anything inside us, it can only temporarily fix the outward appearance but that temporary fix only further adds to the destabilization of our lives as we wait for the other shoe to drop. And trying to keep up with other peoples ideal is a gateway to depression, addiction, heartbreak, loneliness just plain hell. Emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, financial hell.

It was told to me once that the only way to avoid the scathing reviews of loved ones or the general public is to never get out of bed, never do anything, never become anything, never try anything, never feel anything.

So with that in mind, I choose to get out of bed, do things, become things, try things, fail at things and feel things. All the things... It’s messy at best but messy is a place I’m ok with as long as I can be myself. And messy as a place I understand in my friends, the loyal ones, the good ones, the trusted ones. I see your messiness, I understand your messiness, I accept it and I thank you for accepting mine. I promise you I will always come to you in a pure state of messiness. It’s the only authentic thing I have to share.

It’s ok to be messy. It’s OK to not know what direction you’re going. It’s OK to not be OK. It’s OK to have feelings of depression, confusion, imperfection.

There are two or more sides to every story and it is possible for two opposing things to be true at the same time. And those opposing things can live in the same existence together for a lifetime or even longer. And it’s possible for both of those truths to be absolute bullshit, twisted by the media, taking gossip for gospel, taken out of context, pushed and driven into a new narrative, tweaked and pinched to fit into any story you like.

So what do we do? Who do we trust?

Just trust the process... even the ugly parts, especially the ugly parts. Remember there is a lot of beauty in that imperfection and ugliness. And there is a heap of truth in a big old lie.

It’s wild how we convince ourselves every day that we are doing it for the right reasons, whatever it is. We are just humans being human. I have no dirt to smear on anyone’s name. I have a lot of heartache that we were not prepared for everything that lie ahead of us back then but We each have handled it the best we know how. All of our cracks, fissures and imperfections are showing, glowing and growing because we are gloriously human for better or for worse.