Today I gave up

I write this while in my hospital bed for my 8th chemo therapy session. 

I haven't eaten or drank in days and was fed this time through artificial nutrition in my veins.
I couldn't speak for 4 days, vomitted so often you could not count it and cried myself to sleep too many times.

All of this in the biggest heatwave (30°C room temperature) with no air conditioning, when you sweat out your poison and am forced to smell it again.

I am soo done

I made it through 8 of 9 planned chemos and radiotherapy. I just can't handle it anymore, ever.
This is a true fight for life nobody can and hopefully never has to imagine.
Since November 2022 I live in constant pain and fear of death.

These are my reasons to give up on chemo therapy. Giving up on poisoning myself.
Giving up on fighting for longer.

I am so incredibly thankful for everybody supporting me. Even with cancer I am a lucky bastard to have so many caring people around me.

What's next?

First I go home in 12h and take the loongest shower in my life. While sitting in a chair of course. I can barely walk yet. 

And then I'll have a chat with my doctors about me saying no to chemo.
9 chemos were planned and I've made it through 8.
Hopefully one chemo to less doesn't kill me.
In about 2 to 4 weeks we will do a PET scan and full body MRI.
I'm then radioactive for 2 days and am not allowed to go near children or pregnant mothers.

The results then are going to decide, if I will die within a year or maybe live till 90 years.
You're invited to pray with me for good results!

On the 31. August I am celebrating my 21. birthday! It would mean a lot to me if a few of you all read and remember that date 🎈

I am working again!

You might have seen that I am busy working on my passion again.

Now that I am on antidepressants, I have the strength to do what I love again! No matter the results of my cancer: I am going to create beauty and art for you all and I'll do it for the rest of my life.

Brickcraft Update incoming

Yes, I changed, fixed, and added a lot! Stay tuned for the next update :brick_heart:

Thank you all soo much

Thanks everyone for being here and especially thanks to you my Patrons who kept my back financially. Without you I could not have afforded some of my special care treatments and a short vacation to my most loved place: the Austrian Alps.
This picture was taken there on 2.500 meters 🗻