Rakshasa Boyfriend: Naveen (rough draft)

I never expected to meet anyone like Naveen, I actually never expected to meet anyone willing to tolerate me. My anxiety can kind of be a lot, some people aren’t patient, others aren’t willing, but Naveen was both those things. I never wanted to be a burden on anyone, silly to think, I know, but my anxiety pushed thoughts onto me that made me feel as though it made me invaluable or worse. The thoughts kept spinning and spinning like food in a blender until it was all one chaotic swirl and it was hard to tell one apart from the other.

It was hard finding work, retail and food were not an option for me, too much chaos and hurry all at once, too many people. Luckily, I got a job at the local library, it was small and quiet, perfect for me. Also, they allowed my therapy dog, Milo, to join me as well. I got Milo when I was a teenager, so he’s getting up in age. He’s my best friend, my constant companion, he aids me when I have anxiety attacks, and he knows how to find my medication. He’s been a life saver more than once for me. 

Naveen was already working at the library when I started. Actually, he was just a volunteer, and he came to work at the library every weekend. He was a kindergarten teacher at the school, and at the library, he did weekly readings for the kids, as well as related crafts. Sometimes he did puppet shows or played the guitar. 

I would help him set up on Saturday mornings, getting the kid’s corner of the library set with chairs and tables for whatever he had planned. At first, I was a bit shy to talk to him. He was quite handsome and dashing, it would be the usual rehearsed things I had ready in my head when I did speak to him. Until one day, when he looked at me with a smile.

“I have a joke for you.”

My tail bristled a bit but I smiled and nodded. “Ok.”

His eyes lit up in the cutest way. “Can a snow leopard change his spots?” 

Naveen was a snow leopard Rakshasa, so this was probably something he had on hand for anything. “Can he?” I asked.

Naveen seemed fit to burst to give the punchline to his joke. “Only when he’s a cheetah!”  His grin was wide open as he watched me expectantly.

I am a cheetah Rakshasa, so this joke was purposeful from him. I was only surprised he said it to me. It would take me awhile to realize that he was trying to break the ice with me. He was using the joke as a way to get me to warm up and talk with him beyond my rehearsed lines.

I giggled, smiling up at him as he joined to laugh along. “One of the kids taught me that! Funny, right? I thought that since, well, I’m a snow leopard and you’re a cheetah-” He chuckled to himself, hesitating a moment as I’m sure the embarrassment was welling up. “I thought it suited. Silly, I know.”

This was just the start to Naveen and I getting closer. He knew I was a nervous sort, and with Milo being around, it wasn’t something to hide. After all, two minutes with me and people would realize I was as jumpy as a goldfish out of water. 

One day, as I helped Naveen clean up after the kids had left, he had a strange expression on his face, almost troubled. He kept looking to me as if he wanted to ask something, then he would stop himself and look away. It was driving me crazy! I kept thinking worst possible scenarios in my head. Was he going to tell me I stacked papers wrong? Did I smell bad? Did he hate me and he wanted to stop coming to the library?

“Can I ask you something?” He asks gently. One of the key phrases that is sure to set my nerves to stun. “Nothing bad at all, and I know it can be a bit personal.” Another key phrase! “I have a kid in my class who is dealing with some bad anxiety. I was wondering if you could help me figure out how to help him.”

I was caught off guard, unprepared for such a sentimental turn.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand,” Naveen quickly added on. “But, I don’t really know where to begin. And I thought, someone who deals with it too could provide some insight that websites just won’t.”

“I don’t hide it well, do I?” I chuckled nervously. “Well, uhm, I’d like to help if I could. If he’s that young then surely his parents are already aware.”

“They’re doing their best,” he nodded. “But I want to know what I can do as a teacher to help. He’s a sweet boy and I don’t want him to feel like he’s a burden or a nuisance while he’s in my class. What are things that helped you? Things people did, or even do, that make you feel safe?”

“Well,” I swallow my nerves as best I can. “I don’t want to keep you too long, and I’m about to leave for the day. Would you like to talk over coffee?”

His smile was bright and enthusiastic. “Is that ok with you?”

I nodded shyly. “There’s a cafe around the corner where my sister works. We can go there and I can try to help you with your student.”

He had been really nervous about asking me. He didn’t want to offend me with anything, so he had been trying to get to know me better before asking. We started going to lunch together each Saturday at the cafe, I felt comfortable being there and having my sister nearby, so I felt more relaxed around Naveen. Bit by bit, I was able to open up to him more and feel less anxious around him. He told me he became a teacher because of watching Mr. Rogers as a kid. He handmade his puppets, but they were getting old and starting to fall apart. So, I invited him over for dinner with my sister and I one evening, and I would help him fix the puppets.

It was small steps like that, having him come around to places I felt comfortable, making sure someone was closeby I knew. I was lucky my sister was eager to help. It made me wonder if she liked Naveen, so I decided to ask her and if she wanted to get set up, I could.

“What do you mean?” She looked at me strangely and Milo chuffed beside me.

“Do you like Naveen?” I asked her again. “You’re always so eager to help when he’s involved so-”

“Nadia,” Izzy said with a disbelieving tone. “Don’t you like him?”

“I-” I stopped right then and there. “That isn’t what I asked.”

Izzy cocked her brow up and sighed. “I was helping you because I thought you liked him. I know dating is hard for you, so I wanted to see my baby sister be happy.”

“You thought-” It hadn’t occurred to me, I mean, I did like Naveen, how could I not? He was handsome, sweet, and charming, completely the opposite of what I was! I never thought about Naveen and I dating at all, it seemed impossble.

“I mean, it’s obvious he likes you,” Izzy scoffed.

“No!” I nearly shouted and Milo stood to attention beside me. “I mean, uh-” I shook my head as I tried to fit those very strange pieces together. “You know me, who would ever be interested in me?”

“This again?” Izzy’s smile then was soft and gentle. “Nadia, you’re very cute, anxious, of course, but you’re sweet, you’re thoughtful, and Naveen is all touchy feely like that.” She smirks at me. “He’s been trying to take care of his student who is like you. I mean, the guy must have an entire bloodstream made of gold.”

“No,” I laughed. “Really?”

Izzy nodded her head. “Your anxiety is in your ear, telling you all sorts of lies. When you hear them long enough, you tend to start believing them. You know this, why do you keep falling for those lies?”

I was making dinner for Naveen and I that evening, which is why I wanted to offer Izzy having the meal alone with him. Now, I was fully aware of the situation and how very date like it was. I had to get Izzy to help me cook, because I was so nervous now about Naveen coming over that my hands were shaking.

By the time Naveen arrived, Milo was on full alert, but I had gathered up my courage. Izzy was right, I couldn’t keep listening to those voices and believing them. I had to shut them out in order to do what was best for me.

Naveen was cute, dressed in a sweater that complimented his golden green eyes. I let him in and he showed me a bottle of wine.

“I’m not sure if you drink, but this is one of my favorites.” He set the bottle down on the table then looked around. “Where’s Izzy, is she not joining us?”

I fidgeted in place, wringing my fingers together as I gathered up the nerve. “I thought it could just be the two of us tonight.” Thankfully, the words came out easily. “If that’s ok?”

“Aren’t you forgetting someone?” Naveen’s eyes widened.

My stomach turned into knots until Milo chuffed by my side. “Oh, yes, Milo.” I chuckled. “He’ll be with us still.”

Naveen’s smile made me realize how much I really did like him. I had been mistaking the pitter patter of my silly heart as nerves all that time. “As long as you’re ok with it, I would love to have dinner, just the three of us.”

More and more, we spent time alone together. He started offering to take me places, introducing me to new restaurants and places. He would help me by showing me the menus before we went, that way, I wouldn’t be so anxious when ordering. I would be prepared right from the start.

One evening, he took hold of my hand and my heart leapt up into my throat. Milo seemed calm, so I remained calm. 

“Is this alright?” 

“Yes, it’s fine.” I inched a bit closer to him. “I mean, after all, you’re kind of my boyfriend now.” My heart begins pounding after the word came out. I looked up to him expectantly and the blender cranked on. What if he didn’t see me as his girlfriend? What if he thought I was too clingy and needy? Was it annoying? I should have played it more cool, right?

Naveen squeezed my hand. “What’s a kind of boyfriend?” He chuckled. “Are you my kind of girlfriend?”

Milo chuffed and turned his head towards me.

“Is that what you think?” I sounded so timid I was sure it must be annoying.

“I think I would like to be your boyfriend, not kind of.” His smile made my heart bounce all the way up to the top of my head. 

“Me too!” I blurted it out then had to step back and laugh. I took his hand back into mine and squeezed it. “Are you ok with that?”

“Perfectly. He grinned, showing off the crooked fang in his mouth. “I like being a boyfriend.”

“I'm not sure how I like being a girlfriend. I’ve never really-” I wondered if he knew I had never dated before he would think I was weird or strange. “Just give me time, ok?” I decided not to think about that. He wanted to be here and with me, if there were any deal breakers, I’m sure they would have come up by now.

“For you, I have all the time in the world.”

The first time we kissed came so easily, I wasn’t too nervous about it, in fact, Milo didn’t even pay attention as it happened. Naveen was gentle, and his hands rested around my waist. I laid my hands on his chest, feeling how warm he was. It felt nice to be so close to him, to have this affection laid upon me. 

There came a night, though, where the kisses were starting to get heavier than normal. They started to grow deeper and harder, and moans came from Naveen’s throat. His hands brushed up my sides, pulling my shirt with them.

“Wait, stop.” I pulled myself away, forcing myself to the corner of the couch where I felt farthest away from him while still being with him. 

“Sorry, was I getting ahead of myself?” He rubbed his cheek bashfully. “Guess I did get excited. You ok?”

“It’s not that, it’s-” I wasn’t sure how to put it into words. I didn’t want to scare Naveen off with how I felt, and I had been hoping I could push this back as much as possible. I had never been sure about sex, or the fact that if I wanted it. The urge had never arisen in me, and I was perfectly happy never thinking about it. But Naveen was sexual, he had told me about his past relationships, he even told me about the circumstances of his first time. I was really falling in love with Naveen, I didn’t want to lose him because of this. 

“It’s fine, really. But it’s just that I wanted to wait for marriage.” I fibbed, just a little. I did want to wait, maybe forever, but then again, marriage could be the end of the world, so it felt like a safe fib.

“That’s fine,” Naveen kissed my cheek. “We can cuddle. I wish you had told me sooner. Were you nervous about that?”

“A little,” I murmured. “It must seem silly.”

Naveen shook his head. “Not at all. If it’s what’s right for you, then it’s rational to me.” He put his arm around me as I inched back close to him. We watched movies the rest of the night and it was never brought up again. After that, if kissing started to get too heavy, he would know when to stop and pull away.

It was about a week later, I was helping him clean up from another Saturday at the library. The craft he had done required glitter, and one exuberant kid had thrown it everywhere. There was chunky gold glitter all over the tables, the chairs, the books, and the shelves, Naveen himself had even gotten a good splash of it to the face.

I was helping him when I noticed some gold glitter precariously close to his eye. “Hold still.” I stood in front of him, reaching up to grab the gold flake before it crashed into his vulnerable eye. “Don’t blink, keep still and-” I caught the glitter on my finger and showed it to him. “Ta-da! I saved your life. You owe me a life debt.”

His eyes became starry and he looked at me in such a way I’d never seen before. 

“You don’t really owe me anything. It’s just glitter.” I tried to cover the tension I was feeling. My heart was fluttering at a hummingbird pace, his gaze wasn’t threatening, just all new.

He chuckled and let his smile blossom even wider. His licks the corner of his mouth then catches the tip of his tongue between his teeth. “No, it’s not that. I just realized something is all.”

I dusted the glitter off my hand. “What’s that? Glitter never really goes away?”

His eyes were alight and he seemed to glow from within. My heart continued to pitter patter wildly, waiting for whatever it was he had to say.

“I love you.”

Milo shot up beside me and his tail started wagging furiously. I blinked and tears fell down my cheeks. I bowed my head down as I started to cry.

“Nadia,” Naveen said tenderly. “Don’t cry. I didn’t want to make you cry. I just knew and I couldn’t hold back.” He rubbed my arms comfortingly as Milo pranced and padded his feet in excitement.

I shook my head, blubbering like a baby. “It isn’t that. I’m happy you said it! But it’s a lot for three words, so give me a minute!” 

Naveen put his arms around me, hugging me close while I cried onto his sweater. Milo was grinning, his tongue hanging out from his mouth as he watched us with glee. His two favorite people were so happy, how could he not be happy too?

I nodded my head furiously and slowly raised it up to look Naveen in the eyes. “I really love you too! I love you so much.”

I had never said those words outside my family or Milo, but it felt like such a relief to get them out into the world. Knowing that he loved me, returning something I feared would be one sided, it felt like a weight lifted from me. But there was still the matter of the little fib I told. I knew eventually I would have to tell him my feelings on sex, but that scared me more than anything. Now that we said those three little words that weighed as much as elephants, what if he stopped loving me when I told him? What if I said, ‘I don’t want sex at all’ and he said, ‘then I don’t love you’? It made the blender turn on, blurring my thoughts into a big pink slurry of chaos and uncertainty. 

I was able to calm down by reminding myself that my little fib could last for a while. ‘Until marriage’ was an undetermined length of time. It could mean months, maybe years, maybe even a lifetime. There was no set date because the date hadn’t even been chosen. Naveen was understanding too, he respected my wishes on the matter, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t help but think he was growing impatient with me.