Is the grass greener? Depends on the grass.

Is the grass always greener on the other side? How does one take a vacation from what most would consider an endless vacation? Is everything better in moderation? These are a few of the many questions I have been asking myself the last few weeks since my last update. It’s been hard to find the motivation to write. Truth is, it has been hard to find motivation at all. There comes a point in winter van life where one is just trying to maintain sanity and survive. For me, right now, that time is now.

I haven’t taken a photograph that speaks to me in weeks. I've taken a few I care about, but nothing screams to my soul. With the changing of the seasons coming soon, I can feel that is about to change as well. 

When I first took off on the road in September, the heat in the southeast was just beginning to break. Making my way west, I first headed towards New Mexico and then into the Rockies. Over the course of the last 8 months, what feels like an endless winter, has only gotten colder and colder with a dash of heat in various locations I stayed. Along with many different tasks that strayed me away from focusing on my work of photography, I also found myself trying to outrun the bitter cold of a western winter. Truth is, that’s not possible. With spring about to break any day now, I’m ready for it more than ever. It will breathe life back into this shell that has felt hollowed by frost and chill.

Alongside this, I have been coming to terms with my restlessness and ADHD. The few times I have found a location that suits me with decent weather, at least 2 bars of reception, and somewhat of a view, I become tired of it within 2 days and rush off. I’ve been so conditioned to chasing sunsets that I have yet to learn how to sit still and embrace this experience.

I also miss my friends.

Is the grass always greener on the other side? Yes, but I’d be a brat to pretend this isn’t what I’ve always wanted. 2014 Ryan would be kicking 2021 Ryan for writing that first part.

As I write this, I am currently taking refuge in the Mammoth campground of Yellowstone National Park. Everything south of here is shut down for a couple more weeks. Nearly all sites are blocked off by feet of snow or signage, but life is slowly starting to take shape again. Rangers are out and about, the stores are starting to get stocked and you can feel it in the air. A change of pace is just around the bend.

I have had some observations the last few weeks, cutting through the west. From Utah to Arizona for vaccine shots, from Arizona back to Utah. From Utah to North Dakota for a funeral of a beloved Water Protector, now in Montana.

Through the valleys of the west, a place where few airwaves reach, one always does. Christian radio. I often wonder if this is how religion holds such a strong grasp in rural communities. When the days are dark and the world is lonely, there is always some God Rock band there to tell you the lord cares. 24/7/365 these songs and sermons somehow pierce through canyons and valleys to small communities often unattached to larger collectives of thinking. With the occasional scattering of Fox radio, these are all some of these towns ever hear, it seems.

This country is still so drastically divided politically. There is no shortage of Trump 2020 hats in every western town along with the occasional closed business blaming Covid-19 and/or the “Democratic hoax”. Entire towns of handshakes, not a mask in sight, and what I imagine would be many packed bars with seething republicans, infuriated with the current state of our country. I’m very thankful I am now fully vaccinated thanks to the Navajo Nation because some of these communities feel like bear traps for the virus. Just my opinion. Other than Standing Rock for the funeral, I think I’ve only seen white people for the last few weeks. Uncomfortable, honestly. The snow ain’t the whitest thing out here. It’s the people.

A week or so ago I found myself at a gas station preparing to fill up. It was yet another one of those small towns where my reception doesn’t reach to access streaming music, I was listening to a rock station when Oasis came across the radio waves. As I pulled up to the pump, the best part of ‘Champagne Supernova’ began to blast. It was one of those moments where you just quietly sit in your car and let the song finish its beat before going about your day. It was a reminder that I was relying on my smartphone and technology too much. So much time staring at my screen, I wasn’t truly embracing the journey. It wasn’t long after that I scooped up a trusty road atlas and decided from this point on, I was going to make some changes about how I approach this project. With winter on its tail end, this is giving me the perfect opportunity to breathe and focus on my work without just focusing on staying sane and warm. After all, a break from social media was a huge goal in this project, however, I haven’t quite figured out how to kick that addition yet.

1 - No more interstates:

William Least Heat-Moon once wrote a book entitled “Blue Highways”. The book was a written documentation of his journeys across state roads and smaller travel ways through the United States. If interstates are the arteries of our nation, smaller community roads are certainly the nerve endings. They connect us all as opposed to just rushing from destination to destination. It’s the path less traveled, and a path worth learning.

2: 30 Minutes of writing daily:

Whether is writing about a location I have visited to share with photographs, writing about tips on van life, or just writing out my experience, 30 minutes of each day need to be dedicated to putting words to life. I need to do a better job at sharing with you all, and I apologize. It is becoming a priority.

3 - No more than 2 hours of driving per day, where possible:

It’s easy to rush from location to location, tourist attraction to tourist attraction, but that is not why I set out on this project in the first place. My original intent was to try and attempt to discover what the heart of this nation is. Recognizing this country indeed has many different hearts, most of them are not found flying by the seat of my pants, but by taking my time and sitting still. So many great photo opportunities I have missed by rushing for no logical reason other than to keep myself busy.

4- No more google/apple maps:

Upon making my way from Utah to North Dakota, I noticed smartphone maps just give a general and quickest path to reach the final destination. While cross-examining my road atlas, I discovered a series of backroads and pathways to reach Bismarck, often cutting through interesting and historical landscapes that don’t make a blip on these electronic maps.

5- More dog parks:

Freedom has been such an amazing companion along this trip. Not only for mental health, but also for physical. It's easy to just loathe away in the van during cold days, but with him, he forces me to take him on walks and be more active. Besides, there is another benefit to local dog parks. Locals. Taking Freedom to local dog parks not only gives him social time but also me. It provides a chance to easily meet people within communities and possibly find hidden gems and things or people worth learning about in the area.

6- More people:

I’ve become more and more introverted on the road, using the never-ending landscape as an excuse to not focus my lens on the people of this nation. No more excuses as to why I am not fulfilling this part of the project.

7 - Build a routine:

Whoever said “If you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life” is a straight-up liar. Everyone gets burnt out, and everyone needs time to breathe. Going to form a workweek, 5 days on, 2 days off. Those 5 days will be focused on inching my way across the state, photographing, editing, writing, and sharing. The additional 2 days will be focused on learning patience, sitting still, cooking, self-care, and enjoying what the hell I’m doing.

8- Find a hobby:

There is a lot of downtime while traveling. When the sun goes down, there are few options of activities to keep your mind busy besides staring at social media or sleeping. Looking to find a hobby, something I can create with my hands, to keep my mind busy during the quiet hours between sunset and sunrise. Any input is welcomed here.

8- Make time to cook:

pretty simple explanation here.

So as I sit here in Mammoth, a week without a shower and days without changing anything but my undies, I am finally catching up to sharing with you what has been happening in my life. Truth is, not a lot besides asphalt, a couple dull memories and a few thousand miles. I still have all the video equipment I bought a few weeks back and plan on learning how to use it to provide better content. I finally reached a point where I can learn. That will take a little time. In the meantime, I hope this update reaches you well. Where I am currently at has little to no reception, so I am only sharing this text update now, but will be heading to a nearby town tomorrow to upload photographs and descriptions.

Expect more updates on a regular basis from this point forward, and if I slack, please reach out. I can use the encouragement.

I appreciate your patience with me. 

Thanks y’all, love you.

-Ryan