Venting and pickin’ flowers 🌸

This feels like a safe place for all of these words.

Being on lockdown with someone who has a drinking problem has not been easy. I don’t want to say too much about it because addiction is intensely complex and intensely personal, but I can speak to my experience trying to stay positive through this.

Part of me feels guilty for taking issue with it, I’ve been smoking hella weed since lockdown started, my consumption has increased to cope with stress. Who am I to criticize anyone’s habits? Part of me feels exhausted, I don’t have the energy to hold someone else accountable right now. I am tired of being the responsible one, now more than ever. Part of me wants to set the whole city on fire because my mother dropped by, and when I tried to vent a little about how difficult it’s been she launched into a tirade about how hard it’s been home with my grumpy alcoholic father. I feel foolish for repeating this cycle in my own marriage, but we can’t help our emotional inheritance. Part of me just doesn’t want this job, I don’t want to be the “adult” in this situation. I don’t want to have to be the heavy, and be understanding, and be patient while someone else works through their demons. This is selfish but it’s honest. I’ve done more than my fair share. I would like to be the one who gets to lose their shit for once. It’s hard holding space for someone’s battle, even when they’re trying hard and doing the best they can.

It was easier when I had distractions, and freedom, and a busy life outside of this house. And easier when we had opportunities to talk about such heavy things without little ears around that can overhear even private words. It was easier for both of us when we had time alone to recharge and re-energize. His addiction was easier for him to manage when he had more coping skills available. I know all of these things, but still, it’s become intolerable, and there’s no end in sight, no plans for a return to normal.

I have a session with my therapist coming up, I’m proud of myself for calling her, it’s a start at least. It’s been a few years since I’ve needed her but lockdown is stressful, and I have too much time to think about every misstep. I’m not sure what’s coming next. So I take long walks and pick little flowers I see growing, I play lots of old timey jazz songs and snuggle the dog. I do my best to keep my own light glowing in the mean time.