So here’s the thing...

A week ago I woke up, rubbed my eyes and checked my phone. Instantly panic set in.

It had been 58 days since I’d had any contact with my ex. We’d agreed it was best for both of us to break communication habits so we could work on healing and moving on. For 58 days I worked hard to fight that impulse to reach out. I built new self-care habits to help with the change, I journaled every day. I didn’t slip up once. Joie and I focused on release during our time together in the woods, I could feel it starting to work. And then a week ago I woke up and saw that my ex signed up for my Patreon. Surprise!

Fuck.

Immediately my mind went to the petty post I wrote when his other ex trashed him on social media. It felt like a harmless vent sharing that here, but knowing he read it made my heart sink. Even if he deserved my vitriol, the things I’ve been writing have not been for him. It irked me that he’d seen all of my cheeky selfies too. That’s a privilege he doesn’t deserve anymore.

Before I could slow my pulse and figure out what to do next I got an email. It was from him. He was apologetic. He explained that he was missing me, and found himself thinking if he took a peek on Patreon he could hear my voice in my writing and check in on me. He said he realized his mistake when he got to the post about his other ex. He said he couldn’t blame me for feeling that way, but those sharp words made him realize he was not a welcome audience, and that he’d infringed on my privacy. His message was kind and he held himself accountable, he signed off saying I didn’t need to respond, and assured me he had cancelled his Patreon support and wouldn’t be looking again. He reminded me he loved me, which I have to admit, felt really good to hear.

I felt like an alcoholic falling off the wagon, those 58 days were so hard-won, starting again at day 1 seemed useless. It truly felt like a failure. We talked briefly. He’s doing really well, made some positive changes at work, lost weight, and was accepted into a school program in the Fall to further his career. I was genuinely happy to hear his good news. I don’t hate him, you know? I love him. That’s what makes all of this so hard.

For the past few years it’s become super apparent to my therapist and myself that I’m loyal to a fault. I forgive anything. I empathize and understand and I hurt, but I forgive even the biggest transgressions. It’s really hard for me to flex that self respect muscle, which is something I’m always ashamed to admit. It feels like a weakness. I know where it comes from, I understand it’s a family pattern, but I want to have more backbone. I want to be the kind of person who says “I deserve better” and believes it. I’ve been working on that in my marriage, and I’m working on that now with establishing better boundaries with my ex. It’s fucking hard.

Progress isn’t linear though, I’m learning from every mistake. (And I’ve blocked his email from my Patreon now, just to be sure. See? I’m learning.)