Slump - March Update

Woah, I apologize for being quiet all month. I have been drawing, but so far all of that has been chipping away at commissions - I kept wanting to make something original for Patreon, but the days slipped away from me.  Because this post is kind of an important one, I'm gonna skip early access on it. 

This art is Ereviim, my monster sona. I've been meaning to explore his design more, and use him for emotional pieces like this, so I can feel more connected to him. The skull is a mule deer. There's a smidgen of symbolism in this sketch, which I'll get into. 

My mental health has been a sight for sore eyes, both in recent weeks and the past few months and years, so, in lieu of (much) original art, I wanted to actually open up about that. It's not something I normally get into, but  part of my goal with Patreon was to get to know people better.

This is a super long post, whoops! 

I have been dealing with a mixture of depression, anxiety, and, more recently, hormonal problems. The first two have been here for a lot of my life, to be honest, but have gotten much worse in the past few years. The hormonal problems are all new. 

For those that don't know, I'm trans, and last year in June I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (testosterone). It's been a wild ride, haha. Emotionally it was definitely a good thing - seeing the changes in my mind and body, getting more confidence, just really growing, it's all been amazing - but psychologically there have been some issues.

In December, the testosterone levels in my blood spiked way above what they should have been, unbeknownst to me. I was scheduled to see my doctor that month, but she was suddenly unavailable, so I was transferred to another doctor instead. It took another month or two before I could actually see her, and once I did, there was a lot of frustration due to poor communication and a lack of experience on her part. Only last month did I find out about my levels; my first doctor noticed in December, but since I didn't get to see her, it wasn't addressed until now. At this point, both my testosterone and estrogen levels are high - because the body turns excess testosterone into estrogen - when they should be mid-range and very low, respectively. It's been wrecking my mental health. 

I think the past few months have been the hardest of my life, to be honest. In the broad strokes, like physical health and my living situation, I'm "okay," but everything has been a struggle, and everything has fallen behind. From simple things like taking care of the house and myself, to maintaining relationships with friends and family, to art, my commissions, communicating with clients, my business as a whole, and, of course, Patreon. I've been dealing with almost constant anxiety and dread, fatigue, disinterest, and difficulty with focus and concentration. All of this and more have also been causing financial trouble, even with my beloved Namiin helping me. I have not really been okay. 

... Man, this is a tough post for to make. 

I've dealt with all of these things in some form or another for most of my life, but they've been getting worse as time goes on, and the hormonal imbalance has made it even harder. I make this post just as much to update everyone about my situation, as I do to stop myself from running from it.

I tried hard not to be "too open" about these issues, both because it's just been hard to accept how much of a problem it really is, and because, up until this month, I didn't want to look as though I was making excuses for not producing more. Especially regarding my commissions; I used to always hear stories about artists using their personal problems as excuses to not work or communicate, and, while I know that does happen, I apparently became so afraid of "being like that" that I never let myself open up about anything. I am realizing now how much damage that has actually been doing. It's why I've been so quiet both publicly and privately, it's why I haven't been drawing or posting much, it's why I haven't been communicating with anyone.

It wasn't until late last year that I even told my closest family about a lot of what I was dealing with, and while I don't think that doing so sooner would have prevented much, exactly, it sure would have made it easier for me to navigate and get through. And of course, the amazing people who have been supporting me by commissioning me would have gotten a fairer shake.

No one should have to suffer alone, honestly. That's what I want to remind myself of, and maybe remind anyone who can relate to this. No matter how light or heavy your problems are, or if you think others have it worse, or if you think it's not important - there is no harm in opening up. Especially if you are one of "those" artists, whose works suffers because of your health. Being open about what you're going through can be the first step in removing some of the barriers to being better about what you do! It's hard, but if I have learned anything, it's that trying to trudge through it by yourself is a lot harder. 

The only reason I have been managing as well as I have been is because I allowed people in my life to help me and support me. I owe so much to my beautiful Namiin, and to my best friends Skott and AJ, who have been there for me when I needed it, and especially when I was reluctant to accept it <3 I am working with my psychologist as well, to get through the worst of these hormonal issues, and then to work on my mental health in general, going forward. 

If you're one of my clients, reading this, thank you, too. Your support has kept food in our fridge and lights on in our apartment, and meant the world to me. I'll be doing everything I can to get you guys what I owe you! I haven't forgotten about anyone.

About the art (finally, god): This sketch of Ereviim wasn't originally meant to mean anything, tbh. I just wanted an image to post all of this with, since I knew it would be more interesting. As I drew though, it just kind of came out meaning more and more. The skull is a mule deer, Skott's favorite, and the antlers are coming out of its eye sockets intentionally, as a nod to his character, Sir, who I drew once (and need to again).

Sir and Ereviim have quite the history, haha. Early in Ereviim's story, he's purchased by Sir to be one of his servants, whisked away to another realm, and works under him for several years. A lot happens, most of it questionable by most standards, in no small part because Sir is very chaotic and dark-minded, and Ereviim is very loyal and amoral. At the end of Ereviim's time with Sir, he's gained countless scars and trophies, and I believe we decided that Sir has this skull crafted as a gift. Later, when Ereviim leaves Sir's realm, the nature of it means that he forgets almost everything about the time he spent there. Sir sells him again, but allows him to keep the skull, charming it just enough that it always feels familiar, and brings those memories of his service a little closer to the surface of his mind; a forget-me-not, for someone you have forgotten. 

I also attached the sketch to this post, since I thought that was neat! Trying to learn to work from looser beginnings, rather than refining like crazy all the time.

Skott has done so much to be there for me the past few months. He is a beautiful person, and I am so blessed that I'm alive at the same time as him, and that I get to know him. Developing the story between our characters has been one of the few things that really gives me joy ♥ Thank you buddy. 

And no small amount of thanks to Namiin, for helping me design Ereviim in the first place - without them I wouldn't be able to do much of anything! Namiin and I have been building an entire world around Ereviim and Namiin (the character), Ila and Idris, and a ton of other characters, and being able to escape into those stories has been another important part of my life.

If you made it this far, holy shit haha. Thank you for reading everything! Your support here means the world to me. 

In a few days I'll be out of town (Namiin is taking me to see Nightwish on tour!), but I'll see if I can't figure out some kind of update for Patreon this month. If not, April should go a lot nicer. I have some text posts in mind so that I don't feel so like I can only draw.