Script for a video that I don't feel comfortable producing

Hi, gang:

As my Patrons, I try to give you an insider look into my life and process.

This is a script for a video that I wrote two weeks ago. When I approached shooting it, however, I realized I am not ready yet to talk about this publicly.

Accepting that I am cognitively different than the average Joe is something of a second coming out for me.  I'm not yet ready to publicly share my narrative around it.

I hope that you, my Patrons, can love and accept me for where I am at in this process. And hopefully these ideas will be helpful for some of you!

Big hugs, Kaelan :)

Video idea: Taylor Swift Helped Me Accept My Neurodivergence

So, earlier this week, I —like millions of others around the world — went to go see the Taylor Swift Eras Tour Movie in theaters. It was an exultant experience for me, singing along with other Swifties in the row beside me. You know, it’s funny that she really is the only pop singer whose entire catalogue I know, and I follow details of her personal life pretty closely. I enjoy other singers like Duo Lipa, Carly Rae, Betty Who — Yes, they are all gay icons, that is not lost on me — but, as it is so with so many others of her fans, there’s something about Taylor that just feels so familiar and relatable.

And that got me thinking about something that a group of people on Reddit have been commenting on: might Taylor Swift be neurodivergent? Now, this question shouldn’t be too much of a shocker: nearly anyone who is highly talented and successful in the arenas of art and science exhibits some signs of neurodivergence. And for those who are unfamiliar with the term, neurodivergence encompass differences in brain functioning that include (but are not limited to) OCD, ADHD, and Autism.

These fans on reddit, many of whom identify as neurodivergent and/or autistic themeless expressed a sense of familiarity and knowing with Taylor — a familiarity similar to which some of you have DM’d me and said things like, “As a person on the Autism spectrum, thank you for your videos…they’re so meaningful to me.” The people on this subreddit broke down some of the qualities of Taylor that suggest that she too might be autistic. Such things include her hyper fixation as a kid with playing guider and writing music. In the words of her mother, “We could never get her to put it down. Quite literally, we would have to force her to stop to eat or go to bed.” Watch her in Jimmy Fallon listing her knowledge of cat breeds. Check out the clips looking at her “Mastermind” level of detail when it comes to plotting release dates, easter eggs, and strategizing. In the words of one Redditor: Make her a boy and change her obsession from cats and music to trains, and there’s no question she’d be recognized as autistic in a heartbeat.

I have a huge amount of respect and love for Taylor: I think she’s iconic, supremely talented, and compassionate and caring role model. And in this instance, she is helping me —intentionally or not — with accepting my own neurodivergence, something I have been loathe to do for sometime. Probably for a similar reason that Taylor has never publicly come out or addressed this topic: We both want to be seen as the best boy/girl we can and we are relentlessly striving for an idea of being perfect.

[ Intro ]

This exploration for me about being neurodivergent started around 2019 when my husband and I traveled to New York to see a live performance of the comedian Hannah Gadsby’s new show. We first fell in love with her from her Netflix smash hit: Nanette. If you somehow missed Nanette, I highly recommend checking it out; it is a tour de force and one of the best pieces of artwork I’ve seen in a long time. In it, she explores homophobia, the patriarchy, gender differences, art history, and sexual abuse — all within the context of a stand up comedy special. It’s hard-hitting and perspective altering. When we saw she’d be performing live in the US, we didn’t hesitate to get tickets. The themes of her subsequent show were vert different. In it, she explores her recent diagnosis of autism and how it vastly improved her life, putting many things into place for her. Suddenly, so much of her history and how she operates in the world made sense. As we digested the show an d walked around the city, my husband exclaimed, “I understand you so much better, now! You’re just like her." I’ll be honest: I was deeply offended. How dare he — or anyone — make those assumptions about be! I am a highly functioning person! I get a lot done in the world! I am not… not… neurodivergent or autistic.

Like many people with cognitive differences, I balked at the label. You see, I didn’t want to see myself as being broken or less-than in any way. I grew up being told that autism was an insult. It was a person who would have to be cared for for the rest of his life. It was someone with “special needs” (was the term I think was used back in the day), who rode a special bus to school, and was sequestered to a special classroom that no one ever saw.

So I did what any sensible person would do: I went to the Internet to confirm or deny his diagnosis. And here’s the interesting thing…it’s a spectrum. It isn’t necessarily that you are or you aren’t. It’s not like strep throat: Oops! Your throat culture came back positive; you’ve got it! It’s a range of experiences, and the more you have, the further you fall along the spectrum.

So I did a couple online tests.

Would you rather fixate on things rather than people?  No.

Do you have highly repetitious behavior? No.

Do you have difficulty finding interest in things that interest other people? No.

Do you have repetitive motions or gestures that you find soothing? No.

Do you prefer doing things the same way - for instance: morning routine or trip to the supermarket? No.

Sometimes people say you am being rude, even though you think you are being polite? Sometimes.

The list went on, and the results kept coming back: You are most likely not autistic.

But…here’s the thing. I am taking this test now. Had you asked me these same questions when I was twenty one years old…I think we’d have gotten very different results.

It’s something that I have talked quite a bit about on this YouTube channel: how much I have changed and evolved as a person throughout my twenties and into my thirties. A big reason for that is my meditation practice. Over the years, I have watched my perception of the world and my ability to navigate through it change significantly. Over years of consistent practice, I have watched my brain rewire itself in different ways — watch me respond to stimuli differently, pick up on different things in the world, process differently. Now, I am not here to say that meditation will change people who are experiencing autism or neurodivergence’s experiences …but as a personal anecdote, it has changed much for me.

And as I look at how I interact with the world now, and the traces o things that used to be much more prominent — or even things that are very much still a part of the tapestry of me… there are quite a few things that I can flag that still suggest I am cognitively different from others, even if they don’t make it onto the list of traditional attributes… they’re close enough that we can see a pattern developing.

Here’s some of them:

• Strong soothing quality and connection to animals.
• Strong dislike for overloud noises
• Easily overstimulated in body (clothing, exposed skin, sexual touch).
• Easiness of burnout/limited energy stores
• Difficulty reading social cues: Anthony’s parents ex, growing up, walking into rooms at ashram
• (Formerly) difficulty reading other people’s emotions
• Dead face when people are talking about things I have no interest in
• Intense interest in certain areas
• Necessity of routine (meditation, walks, working out)
• Feeling like an outsider constantly as a kid
• Being socially ostracized as a kid because something was a little off
• Longtime taking to understand sexuality — had to be become very literal and make a list to understand
• Lack of interest in “normal” social behaviors like sex, small talk, parties, social mingling
• Obsessed with creating perfect body to fit in (eating fixation, penis enlargement)/ feel good enough.
• Difficulty maintaining friendships
• Can work exceedingly hard and be productive when engaged.
• Family history of autism (both brothers)
• Good boy/obedient mindset
• Inability to manipulate or lie
• Social masking
• Connection with other ND people
• No difficulty saying uncomfortable things/too often go ahead and share them even when not asked for (better now)
• Needing to know about situations in order to relax (reading a summary before movie ex)
• Pursuing an acting career to better understand self, how to be normal, how to fit in.
• Difficulty with empathy when younger/emotional connection

Just as when I was coming out, and I had to get very literal in order to get my brain to accept my orientation, so too did I need to create a list of my qualities that set me apart from neurotypical people. The biggest thing that held me back from doing this for so long was shame. I didn’t want to see myself as being broken or less-than. But as I examined how my celebrity friend, Taylor Swift, exhibited several of these qualities … a person who I looked up to and respected… it gave me the permission to say, “If someone this successful and talented can be like this, then I can accept that about myself too.”

In the queer community, we often comment on how we, as young people, often find one another even before we understand our sexual or gender differences. There’s something simpatico — a resonance between us — that makes us feel drawn to one another. Why is Taylor Swift the only pop singer I listen to? I mostly listen to soothing, coral music, ambient world music, things that make me feel quiet, safe, and soothed. Why is she the one exception? Because I feel like I can relate to her. She feels like someone whose life experience in some way mirror’s my own. We feel simpatico.

I look back at my closest friends throughout my life — my best friend who no longer speaks to me, for example — many of them clearly demonstrate signs of neurodivergence.

This is something new and unfolding for me. It is something I am still working to accept and explore. But I want to leave you with this idea:

Almost every person who has explored the frontiers of art, science, or philosophy has not had a neurotypically structured mind. They have thought outside the box and innovated because that’s the only way they could function. Some believe that neuroatypicality is a next stage I human development. I wouldn’t trade my way of thinking, processing, or experiencing the world because I realize that it is my gift. It is my strength. I am able to do what I do because of how I am structured and made. Without these gifts, I wouldn’t be able to be here with you all or offer what small contribution I have to make to the world.

And this comes back to the idea that I often reflect on in this channel: We are all perfectly imperfect. None of us are the same. All of us have our wonky bits, our broken areas, our oddities. And that is what makes us beautiful. That is what should be celebrated.

I invite you to join me in exploring your atypicality, however it manifests. To see your whole self as beautiful and a manifestation of divine consciousness. We are all starlight wrapped in skin. You are beautiful, and perfect, and I love you.

Namaste and blessings. Kaelan