Captains Log 08/21/25

Hey all! I apologize for going awol for a bit, my retail job ended last Thursday and right after I got caught up in some very short but crunchy animation freelance, but I'm back now and ready to finish up commissions and get back to the g r i n d.

On a more personal note, I've been wrestling with a couple big things recently, mainly an identity crisis that's been brewing since I lost my cushy studio animation job back in 2022, and just general anxiety around my moving to a different city. I’m not going to get super doom and gloom about things, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't waking up terrified at the understanding that I need to make some MAJOR changes to shock myself back into myself. 

I remember being fresh out of college working at Disney making borderline six figures thinking this was just the beginning of things, that I would have a tv show at twenty-seven and naturally twelve oscars, four beefcake husbands and thirty million dollars in my checking account by twenty-eight. Unfortunately, at twenty-eight I’m seeing how many meals I can stretch out of a pound of spaghetti and some oil. This isn't a woe is me because I’ve become a starving artist though, as I know times are fucked for a majority of us right now (which by the way, if you’re a paying patron, I’m forever grateful for you guys, THANK YOU!!). I'm mourning a future I was sure since I was in my teens I would make happen. One that for a while, when I was working for these big studios, seemed possible. I'm caught holding onto my “better” past and time pushing me forward to a rougher, scarier, unknown future. 

Given the current entertainment industry climate, I feel the only path forward is the independent one, but with that road comes an understanding that there won’t be financial stability for a while. To be blunt, I'm drowning in stress. I’ve experienced how rough things get trying to hold the fort down with retail work and what I make from patreon/shop/commissions. It’s not enough, and I hate the fact that I’m stumbling so visibly in front of people. My self doubt is at an all time high, and the anxiety of putting myself out there to be judged and critiqued makes me want to run into a cave and hide. But I can’t be taking months and months for single illustrations anymore. Things need to be out of my head, imperfect and real if I want any shot at making art my career again. 

I’m aware a lot of these roadblocks are self imposed. I’m holding on to an image of myself I had as a teenager, and it’s at odds with reality. I see a new path forward, but I’ve never thought about it before. It’s not in the city I’d thought I’d be in and it’s not doing what I’d thought I’d do. In a way, it feels like giving up, but maybe it’s better to look at it as an evolution. I remember reading that all John Carpenter wanted to do was make westerns. Maybe it’ll be the same for me. I wanted to be a director in animation, but life took me elsewhere. Regardless, I don't think of this as me losing my ambition, I have faith that if I keep telling the stories I want to tell, and pushing myself to be a better artist, the financial side of things will even out. It's accepting that the timeline I wanted is not the timeline I'm getting, and to let myself grow in a way that's natural, instead of fighting it tooth and nail, prolonging the inevitable because it’s not as pretty. Besides, Hollywood isn’t going anywhere, and I’ve missed the coziness of east coast fall for the last 10 years. 

So all in all, if this new indie artist path doesn’t work out, I can change course. It’s not a death sentence. If I decide the beast that is the animation industry is worth it, I’ll find a way back in. The only thing I can possibly do at this moment in my life to make it worse is to continue stagnating. Shake off the dust, take a leap of faith, and prove to yourself you're capable of more than you thought.