How my body feels

I've been getting bigger and bigger. Can you tell? It's starting to get really obvious to me. The look of my body, but also the feel. The tug of my hang is getting noticeably heavier. The dough that flops over my waistband is really starting to pull.

It's feeling more solid, but also softer. I've always gained soft fat. But now that soft fat is turning into a big, bouncing, jostling gut. A really exciting combination of tender wobbles running through a big, dense stomach pushing out and hanging down.

The hang has always been my favourite. I can't describe why exactly, but I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with the way all this soft heavy fat just hangs, so vulnerable.

I've noticed lately my bellybutton has dropped lower than the line of my waistband. That's never been a marker of obesity that I'd given much thought to, but now that I've noticed it, I can't stop thinking about it. It just shows how all my fat is falling forward and downwards - so, so low, just how I want it.

I keep telling myself I should slow down. By all logical standards, I need to. Look at me. Yes, I gained even more than this last time, but that doesn't prepare me at all. I'm carrying the fat in a completely different way this time. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea how I'll end up looking... though with the shape I've already started taking on, I can make some very nervous guesses.

I love the feeling of my hand underneath my overhang. The underside is so sensitive, and the feeling of needing to gently lift it makes me so conscious of how much blubber I've grown, all spilling over my waistband, wobbling and getting in the way.

How it gets in the way is such a thrill. My belly when I try to reach across it, my thighs when I try to cross my legs, my double chin when I try to look down. I'm already starting to feel what it would be like to be truly limited by my own body. By the actions I took to change it. I feel my fat wobbling arms against my side-rolls where my arms used to be able to hang straight down. The insidious thing about putting on so much weight is that your body never lets you forget it. You have to feel it all the time. The result of my decisions is constantly taunting me, teasing me, working me higher with every press and heft and flop and pull. It can be so uncomfortable, this thing I did to myself on purpose. And I'm really into that.

My hips and side-rolls are a thrill as well. I feel the rolls shifting and bumping against each other constantly. Fat against fat feels so incredibly hot. It makes me feel like I'm made of nothing but dough.

My lean body is gone. Even typing that gives me a shiver of exhilarating panic. My heart lurches. I've really done this to myself. I really let the secret desires that lived only in my fantasies creep out and transform me. 

How does it look?