Vent - What you chose to ignore --

I opened up to people when it first happened, I trusted them, to help me, to do something, it took so much courage to fight through my fear and reach out to the people that I thought could help and they didn't.

His mother, who I went to in tears and shaking with fear did nothing, didn't even try to contact my own mother who didn't know at all what I had been through. Instead she ignored it.

Mutual friends I thought I could trust, who told me, to my face as I held back tears, never to tell anyone and who actively made sure I was never alone with other friends I might open up to.

And when I left, even when that rapist ex of mine tried to keep me there as he dated a friend of mine I confided in, the police talked me out of pressing charges, because what he had done happened, at the time, seven years ago they asked me why I never told anyone or tried to leave.

I was raped, I was bruised and bent by a man who claimed to love me, who told me he loved me so much that I needed to be punished for his paranoia. A man who read my emails without my consent, who kept me from my family, who kept me locked up and isolated, but continued to abuse me. 

He knew what he was doing, I was never allowed my own phone and the house didn't have one, I wasn't allowed to see my family, even after my father's surgery and tumor removal, I wasn't left alone with other woman or allowed my own friends.

He told me what he did to me was my fault, that I deserved it. I was living in terror, even after he did this to me he still demanded why I would interact with other men, told me I was cheating on him, threatened to slit my wrists, I shut down and thought I was going to die.

I believed I had nowhere else to go, that my family wouldn't want me, that no one else could ever love me, so I stayed.

He continued to mentally, emotionally, and physically abuse me. He demanded sex and I developed a repulsion to it, even having panic attacks when he initiated it. He is a monster, used me, abused me, and threw me away when there was nothing left to take. 

John Ely raped me, a predator who groomed me from the age of 16, he never loved me and used me for anything and everything.

People knew and they did nothing to help me. So excuse me if I'm bitter about it.

I'm sorry for this, a friend suggested it may help to draw out how I feel, since at the time I was terrified to even remember what had been done to me. A lot of people chose to ignore me when I went to them for help, now my rapist is telling everyone I lied about what happened as a way to control him.

I really really REALLY want to hurt him. 

I want to stop the emotional pain but I'm still working through so much and it hurts so bad, sometimes I still want to die just so I can truly stop feeling. But I'm too stubborn to let these monsters win in watching me falter.

If this is too heavy I'll make it private.  For now I'll make it public. ;A;