Episode 766: The Parents Who Regret Having Children [VIDEO]
Added 2024-05-16 00:09:37 +0000 UTCShow Notes
R.O. Kwon on the Parents Who Regret Having Children | TIME
Why some parents regret having children. - kids
The Two Reasons Parents Regret Having Kids
Comments
Great episode. I want to thank every for sharing their experience. I think a significant part of a our "drive" to have kids is social conditioning, between seeing "everyone" around us having kids which then get reinforced through actual social pressure, no matter how gentle. I didn't want kids when I was younger. I went through one marriage (16 years) without having any. Long after the divorce, the unplanned happened. Fortunately, I was already planning to ask her hand in marriage. I was also well-off enough to afford a child, even though I hadn't finished my "me time." And I was mature enough to do what was necessary. (Mature is lifting a lot of in that sentence.) I have one, and I'm able to provide well for her. If I had two, not so much. I sometimes think about how things could have been different, but I don't lament the "loss." I absolutely love my child. Given a choice, I don't know if the unplanned would have occurred at all. Being a parent was never on my radar. I've always been a "take life as it comes" sort of person. But that's me. I can only apply my standards to me. Reading the other stories shows a real diverse set of outcomes that can be very bad when someone isn't ready, or doesn't want one, or is forced to be a parent, and even stuck in a bad situation. They show the importance of not having social pressure of any type, be it through tacit observation, or the constant prodding of "just asking." Even worse, being forced against your will to have a child with someone that is detrimental to your life. I have several friends (DINKs) that don't have children, never will. They don't have anything against children, just don't want any of their own. They never ask, "So, do you regret having children?" They are as happy with their choice as I am with having a child. Children aren't for everyone, and we need to accept that reality. We should stop looking down on people who don't have children, like they're lesser, incomplete, unfulfilled, or selfish. We also need to stop telling people who don't like being parents or struggle with parenthood, "You should have kept your legs closed" or "You should have kept it in your pants." Sex is natural (even the kinky stuff). Telling people to avoid it like telling them to avoid all food. When people don't want children, they are well within their rights not to have them. It's called self-determination. Supposedly, we all have that. But in practice, every time congress and courts are in session, we become less the captain of our soul. I'll finish with this. I once had a young republican consplain to me that parentless couple were flouting the law. Tax laws were written to encourage people to have kids. He told me that couples that didn't have kids should be heavily taxed and fined. Yes, a conservative republican who is anti-tax said childless couples should be taxed. Heavily. Communist dicatator, Nicolae Ceaușescu, did the same thing in Romania. Conservatives aren't only fascists, they're communists. They are everything they hate, aka Self-loathers.
Asymetra
2024-05-17 21:28:56 +0000 UTCThis is such a good conversation. Growing up I always thought I'd probably have kids when I got married but never really felt a connection to have kids, I just assumed that if my wife wanted kids then I would just 'go' along with. When I met my now wife, she just flat out said, that she didn't want kids. I thought to myself 'that's an option', and we're going on 20 years together and she's now had her tubes removed. We do get a bit of push back and in some situations we feel like we can't comment or offer our opinion because the response will be, "well how do you know, you don't have kids" so at times it is difficult. But we enjoy being an aunt and uncle. When you say that you don't want kids, so many people think you're attacking them and their decisions, but we have also have some people in our life that is supportive of a decision. Having kids is not for everyone and everyone has the choice if they want to or not and society should just but out :-)
Jeremy Kerwin
2024-05-17 04:47:30 +0000 UTCI loved this episode. Having kids ruined my life. It anchored me to a broken relationship with the wrong person. It caused me to lose a wonderful career and struggle to find decent work for a decade afterward. And it's one of those things that you just can't talk about in most situations. Thank you for discussing this.
HurricaneDane
2024-05-16 23:20:52 +0000 UTCThanks for discussing this out in the open. I'm 44 and I grew up in Nigeria and I didn't realise having children was optional until I moved to Australia 10 years ago. In Nigeria, any grown-up that doesn't have kids, couldn't have them. While I love my 2 kids (obligatory declaration, done😁), there's a 0% chance I would have kids if I'd grown up in Australia.
Kay Adewusi
2024-05-16 22:22:32 +0000 UTCI think I subconsciously stayed so overweight in my 20s-40s was so that I would be so unattractive no one would want to have kids with me. There were concurrent medical and psychological problems as well, but in my religion, marriage = as many kids as "God gives you." And I did not want kids. Loved my nephews and nieces and my friends' kids, but I didn't want my own. So, I think I subconsciously said, "If I'm morbidly obese, no one will want to marry me, and therefore, I don't have to have kids."
Claire Nollet
2024-05-16 18:01:21 +0000 UTCAs a 41-yr old mom of 2, I really appreciated this discussion. Parenting is hard and sometimes I can sit and cry over the life I gave up when I got pregnant and felt pressured to keep the pregnancy. I wish more people felt ok to tell it how it is - it's fucking hard. My 3rd grader has debilitating anxiety which requires me to stop and always be 10 steps ahead thinking of possible outcomes and worrying about her and trying to make sure she can live her life. And that's with professional help for her and my background as a social worker. It's fucking hard and knowing I'm not alone in sometimes crying over what could have been, helps
Victoria
2024-05-16 12:43:07 +0000 UTC
