From the Desk of Dr Toni Lodge #054

Welcome to blog 54, and episode #24 of A,Blog,C’s! The blog where I write about the first word that comes into my brain based on this weeks’ letter!

Today we’re working with the letter X.

X? What the fuck.

I’ll begin with an apology for being lax on the blogs. To be completely honest I’ve got no idea what time, timezone, date or day it is right now so….. Please forgive me.

What word starts with X though? Xylophone? I can’t write about a xylophone, or an x-ray. Or an ‘x’ boyfriend…? (That’s a stretch)

Instead I think I’ll share something really personal I wrote in the light of my 30th birthday (which was yesterday). This is pretty vulnerable lol so I feel a bit cringe but I have VOWED to be a bit more silly and a bit more honest and so I’d like to share this.

(TW - body image chat)

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I have hated my body for the full 30 years I’ve had it.

I remember in year 4 opening my lunchbox to find a jelly snake and a handwritten note that said ‘you have been so good! Love you, love Mum’ which was a treat for not eating as many treats.

In year 4 you’re only 8 years old.

I remember being dangled rewards like new Roxy jeans and billabong tshirts by my Dad to lose weight.

I remember eating tinned salmon at lunchtime while the other girls had sausage rolls, because that’s what the CSIRO diet told me to eat.

I remember saying no to birthday cake, to cinema popcorn and to Friday night fish and chips because nothing tastes better than being skinny feels.

I have hated my body for the full 30 years I’ve had it. And it hasn’t made it smaller.

It hasn’t made me happier.

It hasn’t made taunts about my body easier. When I was a kid on the playground or now, as an adult online.

If you hate something, change it. The thing I hated was my body, so I wanted to change it.

Now the thing I hate is the way I feel about my body.

The thing I hate is the energy and time I have wasted hating something.

The thing I hate is the tears that would stream down my face as I picked myself apart in the mirror for whatever red, splotchy, hairy, flaky, fat part of me was the enemy that day.

I don't want to do that anymore. And I want to change it.

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Thanks for reading my self indulgent ramblings!! And thanks to every single person who came to a meet and greet and made us feel so welcome during our time in the USA. We’re so so grateful. Now it’s time to get back to work! Hehehhee

Love you! Toni xxx