A Prequel To - So Full of Love I can Barely Eat

Bloating 

The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with me. My parents don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, if there even is anything wrong with me. But, I am starting to notice a pattern. 

I can feel their disappointment when they look at me. A kind of quiet shame and dismay. Don’t get me wrong, mom and dad loved me. But I was never what they wanted, I could tell. I graduated High School a few years ago without ever joining the football team, to my father’s chagrin. 

“Eli! You’re so strong! You could be great!” He would say, slapping my back. But I cringed at the idea. The guys on the team were so cruel, their behavior was disgusting to me. I heard the way they talked about the smaller students, and the nerds; it always struck so deep in me that I felt sick. And that’s not even mentioning what they would say and think about me. 

They’d never insulted me to my face, but it was like I could hear them anyway. “Fat-ass, bubble-butt, titty-boy”, the names I didn’t mind so much but the feeling behind them was like poison. My stomach turns just thinking about it.

Mom was a little different than dad, but there was so much worry in it that it was almost worse than the disappointment I felt from dad. The feelings just knock the appetite right out of me. Which gets me back to the part about no one knowing “what was wrong” with me. 

It started around puberty I guess, hormones and bodily changes and all that. At first nothing seemed too strange, apart from how quickly I started gaining weight. The teasing started up after that, but didn’t continue overtly for too long because I kept getting taller almost as fast as I got wider. Soon enough it was all whispered comments and nasty looks, but that was enough to make me feel ill. 

I started to get sick more often, usually after bad days at school. Once, a bully had cornered me in the boy’s room. He was the only one in my year bigger than me…at the time anyway. The feelings were so confusing, he was angry…and afraid…and jealous? The experience made my head spin, or maybe it was the punch in the face. 

I stayed out of school for a week after that one, feeling like I would vomit every time I remembered it. But through the whole thing, I continued to feel bloated. Sick, and bloated, and slow. I barely ate, but I still gained weight. And my classmates got crueler. I withdrew, and tried to avoid attention however I could. This worried mother even more, but it helped me avoid feeling so ill at school so I stuck to it. 

Eventually I found other friends at the fringe, and it helped the school situation and my home situation. I started to feel better and have a little more confidence, I wasn’t sick as often. And things seemed to be going well. I would wonder sometimes why they gravitated to me, but I could tell that they were as tired of the popular kids’ behavior as I was. 

My appetite came back then, and the…feelings didn’t seem to affect me quite as much after I made my friends. But even though I was still careful with what I ate, mostly to please my parents, I continued to gain weight faster than I could account for. 

By the time I was a high school graduate I weighed a little over 350 pounds. I remember trying on the first graduation gown I ordered and finding it too tight. It’s hard to describe how I felt when I realized that I would have to order another one. Or at the very least send it back and claim that I was sent the wrong size or ordered the wrong size by accident. I was embarrassed, and I could tell that my parents were concerned that I would take it hard, but I almost felt proud as well. 

After graduation I didn’t notice much more “bloating”, at least for a while. I slowly began to realize I could kind of…block the bad feelings, I’d still feel them. Just not quite as acutely, which was nice. 

I took the summer off, figuring it’d probably be the last time I had the chance to. I didn’t do much, played table top with some of my friends from school. I liked the way I felt with my friends, but I definitely seemed to gain more weight when I spent more time around them. Despite keeping a pretty strict diet journal. It wasn’t as much as I gained during that last year of school, but at least it didn’t also come with mystery stomach pains and nausea like that had. 

But, as June wore on into July, everyone was looking at colleges…which I was too. And it didn’t look like I would be going to the same school as any of my friends. Finally I got my acceptance letter, things were starting to change and I didn’t quite feel ready for it all but I knew that I had to start getting ready for the future. Packing up and moving out that August was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. 

I was terrified that college would be a repeat of high school, but…no one cared? I guess everyone was too busy freaking out over their own classes to worry about other people’s appearances. It turned out to be a good time for me. My stress went away, for the most part…outside of class stress. But then, that’s college isn’t it? My appetite came back, and I don’t actually remember getting sick much the first year or so. Of course, with my appetite returning I started to put on weight a lot faster. Which, that I didn’t mind. It made keeping clothes hard, and my parents were really worried when I came back for Christmas almost 75 pounds heavier. But when I went to the doctor, and the test results came back showing I was healthier than I’d ever really been they dropped it. 

The fact that I fed them some bull about it being muscle bulking probably helped too, granted I do feel stronger than normal. But it’s not like I’ve been hitting the gym or anything. I dunno, nothing about my body…or how I put on weight so easy…or my health has ever really made sense to me so why should this? 

***

Turns out I’m really good at Biology, who knew huh? Anyway I started tutoring in that as a way to make extra money. Most of the other students that I help seem really grateful, I dunno it just kinda fills me with warm fuzzy feelings. Especially since I’ve also been able to help them deal with some of the pricklier teachers. I might apply to be a TA after this, the Botany professor was especially impressed with how much I’ve been able to help the new students. 

The bloating is back though, but it’s different now than it was in high school. Even when I haven’t been eating a lot, which…honestly isn’t super common now that I’ve been feeling so much better, my stomach feels kinda firm at the top. Especially after a few hours tutoring, or talking to friends. I’ve kinda realized why that happens. You ever heard someone talk about how doing something is “fulfilling” because of how others feel after you’ve done it for them? It’s like that, but literal for me. Yeah, even back in high school. I’m pretty sure that’s what was going on back then too. It’s probably why I got sick so much, all those nasty feelings…makes me shudder just thinking about it. Anyway, I think it’s also what makes me gain weight so fast. 

To test it one day I measured around my belly before doing tutoring for a 5 hour shift, and then measured again after I got back to my apartment. There was an inch and a half difference, and I was very bloated. Might have been because for the last two hours of it I was tutoring Olivia. I always feel so stuffed after I tutor her. Vibe check on her? Flawless, and at the risk of sounding like a creep…delicious.

Anyway, so cut back to me checking my waistline measurement (which is actually right now). I can’t believe it, not only do I feel super full…like stuffed beyond normal, but…I poke a finger into my lower belly and it feels softer. My mind flashes over how she’d put her hand on mine before leaving, the giggle as she tucked a bit of her tightly curled hair behind one ear. I lick my lips and pace around nervously. My old insecurities tell me that it can’t have meant what I think it felt like it meant. I try to push away the memory of senior year when one of the popular girls asked me to prom as a joke, I feel a wave of nausea at the mere thought. 

That’s not how this felt earlier though. I stop in front of the mirror and rub one pudgy hand over my belly. I weigh over 450 pounds now, maybe closer to 500 pounds. Olivia, she’s gorgeous and funny and smart…wait, she got a perfect score on the last bio test, why is she coming to me for tutoring? I shake my head rapidly to clear it and start to leave my bedroom but trip. 

I just barely manage to catch myself on the door frame, which creaks and pops from my weight, and turn back to see what I’d caught my foot on. It’s my backpack. It wasn’t zipped up when I tripped over it, and now the books and notes and papers are everywhere. I swear under my breath and kneel down to start cleaning it up. 

When I finally pick up the last thing, the notebook I use to draw simple diagrams or write out short explanations when I’m tutoring, a piece of paper falls out. It’s pink and orange and yellow and black. I stare at it puzzled for a moment then pick it up. 

A sweet taste fills my mouth when I touch it, accompanied by a little more bloating in my stomach, and I know where it came from immediately; Liv must have slipped this into my notebook when I wasn’t paying attention. My heart is fluttering as much as it ever had when walking the mile or so to campus or when I’m lifting weights. I unfold the paper and see that it’s an invitation to a Halloween party. 

You’re invited to the Kappa Delta Gamma Halloween Spooktacular Bash! B.Y.O.B. Costumes are encouraged! Be there, or be scared!

There’s a hand written post script. ‘I know you don’t like parties…but I think it would be a treat to meet you there.’ With Olivia signed underneath in her tidy, delicate writing. There’s even a lipstick mark where she’d sealed her invitation with a kiss. I trace my finger around the mark of her lipstick, a rich deep burgundy shade that smells almost like chocolate, and feel my stomach bloating just a little more. 

I both feel like I’m floating, and like I’m weighed down by the bloating in my midsection. A thin skein of sweat breaks out over my forehead and my pants feel tight, the waistband digging into the soft flab just above my navel. I think about just throwing the invitation in the trash and trying to “meditate” away my bloating, if I go to a party I’ll be too full to move in no time…and I’m already feeling like I’ve put away a whole large pizza and an order of breadsticks. 

But then I think about how…genuine the “vibes” on the card feel, and how genuine Liv always feels. And then I think about how disappointed and hurt she might be if I don’t show up, for a moment my fullness curdles and I feel queasy but then I shake it off. I give myself a little bit of a once over, looking in the mirror the expression peering back out at me is dubious. I don’t have a costume per se, but I’ve cobbled a decent “Little John” together using a lace-front long-sleeve t-shirt I have, and a pair of green slacks. I even have the little feathered archer’s cap (okay, I might have been Little John a couple times in the past, and yes I have a toy bow and arrow to go with it). 

I rinse myself off in the shower, despite already having taken one that morning, and then gather the clothes for the costume. Holding up the shirt I can tell it will be too small, I grimace. But there’s never been too much judgement in college, and besides it’s the best I have on such short notice. I pull the shirt over my head, it’s even tighter than I thought it would be. My belly doesn’t hang out, but the fabric clings to every curve on me. There’s even a little dimple in it over my navel. I sigh and then pull up the slacks, thankfully they’re not too tight though they do fit a little snugly over my thighs. I tug them up over my belly and belt them…on the last hole. I try not to worry about how stretched the leather is at the buckle as I start to look around for the quiver and suction-cup arrow. 

About 20 minutes later I have the whole costume together, looking at myself in the mirror I have to admit…I’m kinda cute. My mind wanders back to Liv and I blush furiously, hoping she thinks so too. I pick up the invitation again and look it over, BYOB. There’s a bottle of spiced rum in the kitchen that’s more than half full, I go and get it out of the freezer and walk out the door. My belly brushes against the doorframe as I turn to lock it. I feel a stab of worry, though I’ve never felt anything from Liv that made me think she found my weight off-putting the idea won’t go away for a moment. I look at the dark window to my living room, at my reflection, and suck in my gut. It makes almost no difference. I groan and shake my head, almost wanting to go back in side and forget about the party, but I make myself go to the car and crank up. 

The Kappa Delta Gamma house isn’t far from where I live, and it’s impossible to miss most of the time. Even more so on Halloween. There are orange, purple, and green floodlights in the lawn bathing the front of the house in a mish-mash of colored light. B-movie monster cutouts occupy every window and there’s a bass-boosted EDM cover of “This is Halloween” from Nightmare before Christmas blaring inside when I roll up. Despite KDG being one of the “popular” sororities, there aren’t as many people here as I had expected, I breathe a small sigh of relief and try not to focus too much on how my shirt creaks softly as I inhale. 

I park on the curb, and slide out of my vehicle. Someone on the porch calls out when I walk around to the sidewalk, “LITTLE JOHN!!!” I jump a little, but then see the one who called out is dressed as Robin Hood, I recognize him as being on the school football team…and from the tutoring center, and I don’t feel any judgment from him so I smile and tip my feathered archer’s cap at him. As I pass him at the door he throws a high-five, which I impress myself by being able to match in time and not miss. 

“Happy Halloween man! Drinks are set up in the kitchen,” He says, noticing the handle of rum in my hand. I thank him and enter the house. 

I waddle through the dimly lit smoky sitting room. Either this is going to be a more low key party than the invitation suggested or the real party would be starting significantly later. As I entered the kitchen, hyperaware of how much space I took up, I decided it had to be the latter option. Several of the sorority sisters were there filling snack bowls and arranging bottles on a counter, there were at least nine large vessels of party fuel in varying degrees of fullness. 

I start to hold up my bottle and ask where I should put it when I feel a flush of warmth race over me, and recognize the sensation. Liv is in the room, and with that realization my voice catches in my throat, and the only sound I manage to make is a kind of strangled wheeze. 

The kitchen is small, and there are only five women in here (though all are in costume) so I’m surprised I didn’t notice her first thing. I still have to look around for her for a moment though. When I finally spot her I’m not as surprised I hadn’t noticed her immediately. Her back was to me for one, and for another her hair, normally tied up in a neat bun or braided and tied back, was loose tonight. It formed a wavy black cascade that covered her shoulders. Below that I recognized the patterning of Wonder Woman’s cloak. 

Feeling like a little bit of a sleaze I kept looking her over; ever the pragmatist Liv had elected for the cloaked and Greco-Roman style leather strip skirt version of the outfit due no doubt to the chilly temperature outside. She was standing a few feet away from me talking animatedly to one of her friends who was by the drink counter, her dark slender hands gesticulating as she related some bit of amusing news to the sorority girl arranging the bottles of liquor and chaser. 

For a moment I thought I was going to be sick, my stomach felt so full all of a sudden. But the queasy feeling showed up to join with that bloated sensation, and finally a few minutes later I realized I knew this feeling. My face feels very warm as I notice that the girl Liv was talking to is pointing at me, Liv looks rigid for a moment and the connection between this situation and every other time I’ve felt this fullness comes to me. It’s happened any time I “surprised” Liv, whether at the tutoring center or the library or somewhere else. Whenever she’s not fully expecting to see me and I show up, there’s a pulse of warmth and I feel like I’ve just downed a large and very satisfying meal. 

I snap back to the present moment as Liv turns around, a wide grin dimpling her flushed cheeks. She’s blushing almost as much as I am, I realize, making her face go a warm shade of dark magenta. 

“Oh my god, Elijah! I was hoping you’d come.” She rushed forward, and apparently emboldened by the informality of the situation she wrapped her arms around my midsection as far as they would reach and hugged me tightly. I didn’t think it possible, but I blushed even more. The sorority sisters in the kitchen had stopped what they were doing, and were now watching the two of us. 

I finally find my voice and manage to laugh nervously, she hadn’t released me from her embrace yet but I didn’t mind despite my flustered state. Having her so close felt nice, it felt right. I put my free hand around her. “Heh, how could I not come, it’s the Spooktacular!” Several of the KDG members present laugh, but not unkindly.

After a few more moments Liv steps back, her fingertips lingering on the soft bulge of my lovehandles. “I love your costume, Little John.” She said with a wide smile as she took the bottle from me and passed it to her friend. “You know, I actually considered dressing up as Maid Marian. But I heard Chelsea’s boyfriend was coming as Robin Hood, so I went with this instead.” 

Just like that, it was easy to talk to her again, almost like another tutoring session, almost. “Well you look great, one might even say…Wonderful.” I quip, she scoffs and bumps my belly with her elbow. 

“Boo, bad pun.” She sticks her tongue out at me, but she’s laughing, and I feel lighter than I had at any point that evening despite the fullness in my stomach. She takes my hand and leads me through the back door toward a seating area with a fire pit and a picnic table. 

“I’m so glad you came.” She says, leaning forward as she sits down, I notice that most of the chairs have arm rests and would be much too narrow for me. But there’s a chair that doesn’t match the rest of the set which looks sturdy and comfortable. It’s set up right across from Liv’s, I sit down. With another rush of warmth I realize she must have brought this chair for me specifically.

“I almost didn’t, I uh…haven’t had the best luck with parties.” I chuckle, feeling a little lame and abashed saying it out loud. 

Liv smiles kindly and puts her hand on my knee, another flush of warmth runs over me. “I get that,” and then adds, “I do, really,” when she notices my slightly skeptical look. “I had a hard time growing up, I was…pretty different than most of the girls at my High School.” 

I could feel another sensation I recognized welling up in Olivia then; worry and the ghost of humiliation, it broke my heart. It was my turn to put my hand on hers comfortingly. “Hey, I didn’t mean to…I believe you, I mean.” 

She looked up at me, her wide brown eyes reflecting the stars above us. And then, I’m not sure who leaned in first and if you asked Olivia about it she’d probably say the same thing, a moment later my lips were on hers. Her hand came up when I started to move back, curved around the plump contour of my cheek, and gently held me there. And it was the best treat I ever got on Halloween. 

“Do you wanna get out of here before the party gets too rowdy?” She asked, her voice a little hesitant. “Maybe get a bite to eat?”

“I’d really like that.” I said, feeling like I was grinning way too much, but unable to stop myself.

To Be Continued