UPPER TIERS BLOG: A DIFFICULT POST

Ep 1 of Digi Level 2 has done well. I wasn’t sure, what with it being on a new channel, but as I write this we’re heading to about 7,000 views in less than a week. That’s not earth-shaking by the standards of many, but for us it’s a lot.

More importantly, the reception to the first episode has been overwhelmingly positive. I hadn’t expected that. Digitiser The Show was well loved, but as many people hated it as liked it. I expected much the same for Level 2. Maybe more so, given that it changed so much of the previous format – and so much is resting on my shoulders this time around. Still… early days! Perhaps they’re biding their time.

It’s weird. On the one hand, I’m pleased – obviously - that our hard work is being seen and enjoyed by so many, but it also makes me a bit anxious.

Digitiser has existed in this lovely sort of bubble for years now, where we’ve sailed under the radar, doing our own thing with your support. I’m always slightly. uncomfortable when our profile gets elevated, and we’re seen by new people. It feels like I’m braced for the crash back to earth.

Don’t get me wrong – I want the show to be as big as it can be. I want an audience that loves it. But… yeah. Dunno. It’s a weird feeling having it out in the world, after so long where the footage has just existed on our hard drives. It makes me a bit nervous, I guess.

But thank you for watching, and thank you for all the lovely comments. You’ve been SO nice about it, and it really does make a difference. We seemingly got this right, and so we’re definitely entertaining the notion of more at some future point, after we’ve gone back to our out-and-about videos for a good while.

ISSUE 2

We’ve got a slight issue around Level 2 though – more an issue for me, to be honest - that I’m going to dance around a bit for reasons that, I hope, will become obvious. I’m sure you’ll be able to read between the lines.

Basically, we’ve been receiving comments regarding alleged less-than-exemplary behaviour from one of our guests.  To wit: gossiping, gaslighting, trolling, lying, and stirring up drama regarding other figures in the retrogaming community… I’ve read more than one comment that this person, quite literally, tries to “ruin lives”.

I’m not one to wield a pitchfork. I think there should absolutely be accountability, but people are complicated beasts. You can be a decent person, and also have done some absolutely shitty things. We all go through times where we might’ve not been our best selves, for one reason or another. I try not to listen to hearsay unless I have had first-hand experience of somebody’s actions.

But… this isn’t hearsay alas. It’s someone whose behaviour I’ve been on the receiving end of and witnessed, and I’m concerned that maybe I should’ve commented on my experience before as a warning to others, or made different choices instead of platforming this person. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t, because I’m conflict-avoidant at the best of times, and wanted to prevent it becoming a whole public thing. I'd always choose a drama-free life.

ME ALSO

I’m in a difficult position though, because some of the things I’m reading, that said person is accused of doing, were also done to me. I’ve been vague about this in the past, but in short… some years back we had a major troll on the Digitiser2000 site. One who very much resented my choice to continue on YouTube with Gannon and Sanja as my main collaborators.

After weeks of pretty unpleasant comments to this effect, my alarm bells started ringing, and I traced the IP address; the troll was someone I had thought was an acquaintance, who had been heavily involved in Digitiser The Show.

I’ve never spoken about any of this outright, but it’s again a big reason why that series ended up with a cloud over it for me. It’s partly why I struggle to watch it back. It’s a major, major reason why I moved away from covering games on Digitiser. It might also explain some other things for you.

When I confronted this person, I got fulsome apologies, I was told it was due to them going through ‘a rough patch’ – and I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I chose to believe that they could change, and I tried to be compassionate.

I mean, I’m not a complete fool. I kept my distance, but I accepted the apologies, and 18 months ago I invited him to be a guest on Digi Level 2 as a gesture of goodwill.

NOT JUST ME

Unfortunately, I’ve been told that I wasn’t the only one on the receiving end of all this.  I even had to juggle the filming schedule of Digi Level 2 because there were other former friends of his who didn’t want to be there on the same day as him. I had to drop him from the Digi Live line-up for the same reason.

It was alleged to me that stuff that he had been told in confidence – and only he could know - had been passed onto some of the retrogaming community’s most vociferous critics, ending up online in the mouths of others. Consequently, they no longer trusted or felt safe around him.

I’d even seen this individual say absolutely awful things about peers that, in the next breath, he was being very chummy with online. On the one hand stabbing them in the back, and with the other acting like they’re best mates.

This should’ve been enough red flags, and I feel stupid for not connecting the dots, and for turning a blind eye for the sake of a quiet life. I also didn’t want to kick over a hornets’ nest, given the underhand anonymous tactics he had used. I didn't want it coming back to bite me. And yet, because of turning a blind eye - and involving him in Digi Level 2 - it kind of is.

As a result of all this, I’m left to wonder just how much retrogaming drama he’s secretly been orchestrating behind the scenes. Has he been enjoying that sense of power, targeting other creators by sitting at the centre of a web, doing just enough that others take the bait?

I’m even left to wonder if a troll we got in our comments the other day was him – certainly there were a few tells, but equally I might just be being paranoid. 

That’s what happens when somebody breaks your trust.

RUBBISH

I really didn’t want to have to write any of this. I don’t really want to go public with it. I would rather move on. I don’t want to find myself in any shape or form revealing stuff that happened to me which might be used as a weapon to attack somebody else – even if they have done me and others wrong in the past.

But… I’m in a position where we are getting comments and messages about this person regarding his involvement in Digi Level 2, which has put me in an impossible situation; that his presence in the show somehow spoils it, because he’s the proverbial bad egg.

Over the past year, others have begun speaking out about his alleged actions – all of which chime with what I’ve witnessed and experienced. I have read stuff and thought "He hasn't changed a bit - I gave him a chance, and he just carried on".

At the same time, I'm finding it hard seeing others defending his supposed "good guy" character online… when my experience has suggested that perhaps this is somebody we should all be more wary of taking at face value. He's seemingly an expert at gaining the trust of people, while secretly working to damage them in some way. It's pretty messed up.

As it stands, he’s due to appear in two further episodes, and I’m now faced with removing him, and losing a big chunk of the show we worked so bloody hard on, because I don’t want to be seen as condoning his alleged behaviour.

At the same time, I don’t want a pile-on. Even the worst behaviour is driven by emotional pain, and I don’t want to inflict more upon somebody who is clearly already hurting, who feels lonely and left out, and living a permanently online existence. Someone whose alleged actions – while malicious – are driven by a need to make themselves feel better.

Nobody is “all bad” same as nobody is “all good”… but, unfortunately, bad patches – if they’re not addressed at the root – can poison a person’s entirety. I just find it incredibly sad.

Nevertheless.... I sort of feel a weight lifted for talking about this. I’ve bottled it up for years now – and I know it has leaked out on occasion. As it stands, I’m going to have to do what I can to minimise this person’s presence in Digi Level 2 from Ep 3 onwards - I doubt I can erase them entirely - and in future try to perhaps be a little less quick to hand out second chances.

I'm only making this available to upper tiers, and obviously ask that you don't share this anywhere. Thanks, you lot.