THANKYOU, ALL OF YOU

Thought I’d give you all an update on how our week has gone after the other day. I’m sharing this with everyone, as the previous blog was just for upper tiers, but I know some of you were concerned after I did a bit of an emotion-dump on Twitter yesterday. 

So, the short of it is, which you’ve probably picked up from our videos and podcast episodes… I am struggling to find work, for a number of reasons out of my control, have been for a while, and we’re finally broke. We’ve used up all our rainy day options, Patreon/Digi/BYAMPOD has become our only real income, and it doesn’t cover everything.

So.

This week has been the weirdest mix of life-affirming an utterly awful and bleak.

Two of the jobs that I’ve been holding out for, which both looked really promising, were a no for different reasons. One was a no yesterday, one was a no this morning. 

I’ve still got a couple of things in the pipeline, one’s TV gig, one’s a freelance game writing thing, I have spec scripts circulating and a couple of meetings lined up. There’s still a tiny shard of hope, even if I’m struggling to hold onto it.

I’ve also applied for a whole bunch of other day jobs that I’ve yet to hear about. I’m continuing to apply for multiple jobs every day, not all of which make use of my skills and experience. It’s pretty exhausting.

Some of them are teaching jobs; screenwriting lecturer, that sort of thing. A lot of them are in the games industry – I’d *love* to find work on game scripts, or as a narrative designer, but obviously it’s an area where I lack experience. Despite a lot of other experience that, you would think, would make it a relatively easy segue. 

I’m holding out hope, but the games industry is famously a bit ageist, and… as I type this I’ve literally just been turned down for another one, due to not having experience working on AAA games.

So that’s another avenue seemingly shut down. 

So now I’m here, a BAFTA-nominated screenwriter, looking up Tesco delivery driver jobs… I’ve basically become Geoffrey from Rainbow.

RETRO GEOFFREY

Talking of the games industry… I am at least waiting for a chunky, very, very overdue, payment from Retro Gamer (basically, I get paid next to nothing from them per column, so I wait until the end of the year so that it feels like a decent amount), but it’s like pulling teeth dealing with the Future accounts department. I remember this from the 90s, when all the Future freelancers would complain. Would’ve thought it would have improved by now.

I’ve also signed up to Fiverr to hawk my wares as a writer. As is the nature of that site, I’m having to price myself absurdly cheaply, which is galling given my track record, but if clients come to me with an idea then that’s half the battle won. I’m quick, so we’ll see. If any of you want me to do some writing work for you... details are here. And yes, I do appreciate the irony that I, of all people, would start selling on Fiverr.

Oddly, I was inspired to do that after researching the Digi video I’m editing at the minute, because I stumbled upon a video of a writer claiming she makes $370,000 a year from it! I mean, it’d be nice…

People, however, have been universally kind and generous. I had a total meltdown in front of my mum yesterday, after I got the news that it was a no on the kids show I’d been developing (unpaid) with the BBC, and sent her into a spiral of panic, bless her. My family have been lovely.

And then there’s you lot.

GRANTED

More and more of you very, very kindly signed up for a year of Patreon access, or have upped your monthly donation. A number of you have commissioned me to do work, some of it is graphic design, some are art commissions. All are things I can do, and will enjoy doing because it feels like it’s making use of my abilities.

We didn’t expect it or feel like we deserve it. That wasn’t my intention. I’m pleased to be able to give something in return though for those of you who have commissioned me. I’m much more comfortable with that, even if I still regret that we’re in this position. My pride is in the gutter, but my gratitude is stratospheric. 

Sanja and I are utterly humbled by this, and we’ve sworn to ourselves that we’re going to pay it forwards in some way. We don’t know when or how we’ll do it, but you’ve given us a little bit of a safety net when things felt like they were at their most perilous, and we’ll never forget it. Your kindness has made the world overall that little bit kinder.

I also posted on my personal Facebook about the situation. I had a ton of lovely messages from people, and also a few work leads. Sanja too. None of them are concrete, or things that we really want to do, or that make the most of our skills, but we can’t be choosy right now.

One thing became very clear from the messages I got from friends and colleagues is that due to my age and other things… I’m not what the TV industry wants right now. This is obviously demoralising, because there’s literally nothing I can do about any of that, or who I am. 

It also sucks that the thing I suspected and feared about my job has absolutely come to pass: that sooner or later I'd reach my expiry date. 

Yet instead of being able to understand it, I just feel terrified. 

I realise that has been making me panicked, like trying to hang onto a crumbling cliff, but it’s settling into a sort of resignation. I'm sure I'll get there once I deal with the frustration and anger I have simmering. 

I feel like I’ve given 20+ years to a relationship with the industry, never put a foot wrong, never strayed, been a bit of a catch, and it has still ditched me for someone younger and prettier. 

Nevertheless, a lot of my industry friends just assumed that – because of my experience – I’d always have loads of work on. Well, I used to. Not sure I ever will again, based upon the current climate. What a waste.

DUNNO

So, I dunno what we’re going to do. You’ve bought us a bit of time, but I feel like we’re running out of options. In career terms, it’s like having been in a party, and one by one the other guests have turned their back on me and left, and now all the lights are being switched off one by one. I’m just stood in the middle of the room, alone, waiting for the lights to go out completely.

It's heartbreaking that I know there’s so much I can do, that I’m good at, with a proven track record, but nobody seems to want to give me a chance anymore. I’m just about keeping it in check, but I get moments where I feel like I want to explode. Instead we just keep having little blubs.

I wish I'd never become a writer. 

So, we do still have you lot, and we don’t take that for granted. At all.

Next month, we’re going to hopefully put tickets on sale for Digi Live 2023. As we said in this week’s video, part of wanting to pay it forwards is holding some sort of Patreon-only get together on the Friday night, for those of you who’ll be there. No cost. Providing we can afford to, and we’re back on our feet (he says, fumbling around for a shred of optimism) we’ll cover it to say thank you.

We have to get Digi Level 2 finished – it has been on hold while we’ve been dealing with this crisis. But once that is done, at some point next year I will likely do a crowdfunder for the Digi book, if Sanja and I can fit it in around our Tesco deliveries. 

If any of you have any other suggestions for ways we could make the most of our audience – in ways that a) Don’t feel like we’re fleecing you, and b) Don’t cost a lot up-front – please let us know. We're open to anything right now.

Oh, and amid it all... last night, Marillion’s keyboard player followed BYAMPOD on Facebook. What a bizarre life.

Thank you again, from both of us.

Paul