Antibiotics
Added 2023-11-14 01:02:22 +0000 UTCThe word biota comes from the Latin word for life. Anti-biotics therefore means anti-life. That feels about right today. A couple of weeks ago I started a what will be 4 month long course of combination antibiotics to take care of chronic infections my immune system has been unable to fight by itself.
The side effect? Mostly bone crushing fatigue, the kind that doesn't go away with sleep. Infact I'm sleeping better now than ever, but feel so exhausted. In the past I'd self medicate and reach for a little lift with nicotene, a conveyor belt of endless cigarettes, because they'd dampen the autoimmune symptoms and keep my mind awake and with a semblance of life, but this time I'm going at it without a pack full of oxymorons - self destructive bandaids.
Man, I feel so tired.
The older I've gotten the more I've learnt to let go of the bitter disappointment of waking up and knowing today, that 24 hour token I get to fill my life up with new and wonderful experiences is probably going to be mostly spent horizontal in bed. That used to break me, now I'm strangley at peace with it. It takes up more energy feeling sad anyway. I rarely feel sad about my condition these days. I'm not sure if it's because I'm numb to it or if it's cause I've realised its just a waste of energy. I don't feel victimized any more.
The first year I got sick I remember thinking I'd hack off my own leg with a saw if my symptoms would vanish as soon as it was severed because the uncertainty of not knowing if id ever get better was more painful than metal teeth chewing through bone. I probably still would, but I'd do so calmly whistling a tune.
