Red and White

Created a huge set of these. I didn't realize I'd taken so many, but great! I might sell a set of these on my website. Eventually. 

I am spending a bit of time at home on break. I wouldn't call it a vacation. It is a lot of rest, hanging out with family, and a bit of catch up. Mostly rest, and I mean mental rest. I've been taking a break from thinking about anything. As a model I noticed I have three parts to myself, my physical, my rational, and my emotional. My emotional self could model non stop. The other two started to die out. I love being on tour. It's the traveling, modeling, and people. My body and my calculating side started getting tired of working. Emotionally I felt so free. It was so strange. My last two trips home were chaotic, so this time I planned a lot of down time. I said no to various projects, and didn't chase others. I still have some time the next few days to start emails and pack. Most of my trip for October is calculated. I need to confirm shoots, solidify where I'm staying, and then plan my trip in November to get back home. I've been waiting on my friend to let me know our plans. She intends to meet me the beginning of November to go hiking and shoot around the deserts. I'm excited to have this opportunity. I've been hiking around here with friends, but not like this. I realized today I have no idea how to plan that at all.

While I have been resting, I also haven't. I stay up late and think about art, modeling, etc. Typically I also get into editing. I have years of editing to catch up on. I'm disappointed with my own photography, modeling, and retouching work. I know that I can or should be able to do better. I know it seems perfectionistic,  but that's the point. Why not? I guess I shouldn't be disappointed. That's the problem. I'm not really disappointed. I'm impatient to get better. But it is slow. Now that I have a break I can practice and think about what getting better means to me. 

I find there are a lot of directions to go in. I feel like a jack of all trades but not a master of anything. I always thought I'd be okay with that. I find that I am many things and not one thing defines me to myself. In my art, I think I can project many things. Although it is easy to flal into various roles or typecasts. I'm not sure how comfortable I am being typecasted though, so every time I feel myself more emersed in any one genre, I feel the need to jump to the next.

I often trust and flow along with my instincts, so you might see a few personalities and faces through this set. I think it is typically sutble.

I saw this wig in my closet and thought if I was going to do self portraits, I might as well do them blonde. I have so much inspiration for blonde hair. I always wanted hair like this, but this hair is almost impossible to acheive in real life. People have no idea how tricky blonde can be. It is a delicate process if you're not born with it. I really like this aesthetic of all white, although I'm not as pale as normal. I have tanned this summer more than I thought I could. Still fairly pale, but maybe that's why this wig looks better on my now than when I tried it on back in winter lol. I follow a lot of white and red art. I love the contrast of it, which is why I go with red hair, I think. There are a few images I got from this set that inspire me to create an art piece with one day. Another thing I have wanted to do is really learn photoshop. A group of friends recently talked to me about spreading myself too thin. It's true. Not only among art genres, but especially among artistic endeavors. In some ways photography, self portraits, editing, sewing, etc are all my hobbies. But it is too many things. I realize I really can't expect to become great at modleing or any particular art when I spread myself among so many things. 

 I have to only juggle modeling and remember that these other things are hobbies, even if I enjoy them. Sometimes they'll have to wait. Modeling is a career, but a passion and hobby as well. I think I could give up everything and only focus on the modeling, but I enjoy trying a little of everything because of the feedback they give me to modeling and, most of all, the sense of control to be able to do everything. Sometimes I have a vision. If I work on the vision all myself, I can control how it'll turn out. Like they say with multitasking, it is difficult and harder to make sure to do every part well.  

2021 I had a goal to build a comfortable savings and model as much as I can. I feel like I acheived that. I really appreciate being able to acheive that. How often does nayone acheive their goals or New Year's goals? I feel more lucky than anything. Now that I've learned some of the skills that it took me to acheive those goals, I want to work towards a next goal. To be determined. Financial goals are easily measurable, and finding another goal that is isn't as easy. Life is more than money. Obviously I need money, but I don't want every my goals to always be financial. I love modeling to find myself, meet people, and explore the world. I think I'd be happy enough if my goal next year was to visit every state, meet more artists, etc.

As an artist do you think about these things? How do you set up goals or measure your capabilities? How do you find inspiration or relaxation? I wish I could make my goal next year be to establish balance, but I have to spend some time, figuring out what that means first.