The Bahamas

Back from the Bahamas. I know they're not the most inspiring photos, but I put my phone up and never looked at it for a week. I don't think of taking photos. So these were the few selfies I had taken.
The Bahamas were quite a trip. If you saw on my IG, I've been going without my anxiety medication. Again, unfortunately. During tour I've been having quite a lot of difficulty with my insurance and doctor. I thought is finally prepared well this time, but I am meeting with the same issue again. I had a few occasions this trip when I wished I could easily access Urgent Care but couldn't figure it out with my health insurance. Luckily I ended up fine. I have a bunch of doctor's appointments set up for when I get home.
Going to the Bahamas made me really anxious. I was nervous being around that many people on a small boat. I know the ocean makes me insecure about modeling because I float so much. Some of the last times I spent modeling in the ocean, I had to explain that I'm not as skinny and muscular as his other models so I don't sink as readily. Besides the possibility the my body might be an issue or that I might be surrounded by people that dislike me, I found out as I was getting on the boat there would be no wifi. I wouldn't at least be able to work and take my mind off things. Obviously everything was better than expected. Everyone was so kind and I enjoyed every person there! I did struggle to model well the first few days, but when my anxiety calmed down, I could be a fish again. Most of my time in the Bahamas was spent on the boat. We did see a few cool places, but had a lot of issues with the current being too strong in most places. They were saying that global warming was making the currents more unpredictable. I believe it.
I'm glad I got to see a grotto and coral reefs that have so much color and life still. I'm still entranced despite my weird mental state.
The people I met were all really great. I liked every single person. It felt so good to get to know them all. There were a few professional mermaids, a professional freediver from Greece, professional performers, etc.
I had brought my new camera and underwater housing to test out. I got a lot of practice shooting many of them there in the Bahamas. There is still much I need to figure out and learn when it comes to photography. But in my heart I'm not a photographer. I'm not very interested in becoming a better photographer unless it is easy. I would like to take better photographs but I'm not sure I care enough to when I ask myself about it. If I ever quit modeling I'd likely quit photography I think. I learn a lot about modeling from photography though.
I didn't model much at all in the Bahamas, and I came home feeling a bit numb. Editing is very calming. I enjoy playing with the colors and watching Netflix until I burn out from staring at a computer screen. I know it sounds weird when I already model so much, but I want to dedicate myself to it more. I want to improve myself more. Figuring out how to cross this latest plateau has mentally grated me. Hopefully after this season I'll have figured something out. The photos I took of other women are beautiful. They're such beautiful people and the lighting and water were in my favor. I could shoot with water forever. With water, it is always a different image.
I have people asking me to shoot them, and I'm not sure how to say no. I photographer at the Bahamas because I had little to do else.
That is why I say I am not a photographer though. I think when you say you're a photographer, you feel it in your heart. Maybe one day I will, but instead I feel this rage of control rise through me. Like I'm disconnected and unable to capture something as I'm taking the photo.
I worry that, despite my best efforts, someone will mistake everything I've said. It always happens from a few people unfortunately. And I unfortunately don't know how to speak clearer than how I am trying to.
Hopefully in the next post, I can focus on what modeling means to me rather than what photographing doesn't mean to me.
Sorry for the lack of selfies from the Bahamas
One photo is me on the boat in my hat to protect my skin
The second is the right a hole made on my butt and my new friend, Stacia photo bombing it.
The third is a photo of my bunk I stayed in and rested with a hot chocolate on the first day.