Start from the beginning
Added 2020-01-01 08:26:03 +0000 UTCThis is one of my first ever self portraits (which is why I look a bit different). I think this was the end of 2016. A photographer had cancelled on me last minute, after also having made me feel inadequate. I've since learned that some people will use various manipulation tactics to get me to lower my rates. For instance suggesting I might not be worth the money so he wanted to pay only half my rate and he might give me the rest if I'm a good model. I'm so naive. And back then I was super easy to manipulate. I've since grown a backbone. Partly I remind myself that if I don't then I don't make money and then I don't model. That helps influence me to at least try to stand up for myself in these occasions. So after all that, he cancels. I can't remember why to be honest, but whatever. I'd gotten in the head space to model already so I took out my camera to give it a whirl. I was so angry at how grainy these came out and the focus was not great. I still knew very little about cameras, but that part wasn't important. It was just about me getting to be me. I miss that. Now, I get so sucked into the camera part of it. The lighting, lens, settings, focus. Admittedly it does make the photo look better, but I want to get back to not worrying about that sometimes. I want to get back to the posing. So much more complicated than just posing. Thinking about posing is a great way to get the yips and look unnatural. I wonder if I can bring in the technical with the expression, like bring them together in a whole new way. Well it's 2020, time to make it work.
